Hurriedly, Merlin wiped away his tears. Arthur could never know the truth. He had to be strong and get through this and everything would go back to normal in the next few days.

But how could he when every time Arthur spoke, he thought about his strong lips upon his own? How could he when every time Arthur moved, he thought about the rippling muscles that had been pressed up against his body? How could he when every time he so much as looked at Arthur, his heart broke just a little bit more?

But Merlin couldn't help but find some kind of sadistic comfort in the fact that Arthur was obviously upset by the fact that the mysterious lady was gone. Maybe, just maybe, there was still hope?

"Sire?" he asked again.

Arthur finally seemed to jolt back to reality. "What is it, Merlin?" he snapped and Merlin's heart snapped too.

Of course not. He had been stupid to think that Arthur would ever think of Merlin in any way other than his simple manservant. If Arthur knew who the girl from last night really was, he would be disgusted and appalled.

"Hello?" Arthur pressed. "Earth to Merlin? This is just typical. You bug me, and when I reply, you disappear off to fairyland." Arthur knew that it wasn't Merlin's fault the wonderful girl of his dreams had left and had taken Arthur's heart with her, but he had never been good at controlling his feelings – especially around Merlin – wait what? – focus! – and no time more so than now.

"Sorry, sire." Merlin tried to keep his voice steady.

"What was it you wanted?" Arthur spoke, although his heart wasn't really in it.

"I was just wondering if you were ok." Merlin asked tentatively.

"Yes. I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" Arthur returned hurriedly. Was it really that obvious how besotted he was?

"I don't know, sire. You just look a little down." Merlin prompted gently.

"Well… That's just… Maybe… But… It's none of your business, Merlin. Where's my breakfast?" Arthur demanded. Perhaps he was just feeling this way because of his growling empty stomach.

"Right here, my lord." Merlin sighed. Nope. There was no hope at all.

Arthur sat down. It was true indeed that his stomach was rumbling, but for some reason, he didn't feel hungry. He picked at the bread, but barely ate anything.

Merlin was using all of his self-control not to say something, or do something, that he might later regret. It was just so difficult. So instead he stood in silence, begging that Arthur didn't do anything else to make his heart break any more.

The silence hung thickly in the air.

Eventually, Arthur pushed his plate away. "Come on, Merlin, where's the usual mindless nattering that I hate so much?"

Merlin had to cough down a constantly choked sob before he spoke. "I thought you wouldn't appreciate it today, sire."

"And why is that?" Arthur demanded angrily. He couldn't deal with it if Merlin realised how upset he was.

"I don't know." Merlin shrugged and fell silent yet again.

He picked up the plate and cleared it away. He pulled the bedclothes up and made the bed. He got Arthur's clothes out of the cupboard for the day and laid them over the screen.

Suddenly, Arthur cleared his throat. "Where were you last night, Merlin?"

Merlin face reddened and he had to turn away from Arthur to hide this fact. "What do you mean, sire? You dismissed me early because you had the ladies banquet?" Had he figured it out? Did he recognise him? What did this mean? What was Arthur going to do?

"Yes, I know. So where did you go? It's not that I needed you or anything, I was just wondering." Arthur continued, trying to make the questions sound off hand and vague.

Merlin's pulse raced. "I spent most of the evening with Gaius and then I went to the tavern."

"Which tavern?" Arthur continued.

Merlin's breathing picked up. He must know. Otherwise he wouldn't be asking all these questions. "Oh, just the one nearest the castle in the town."

"Wow, Merlin. How specific." Arthur sneered.

There was a beat of silence.

"Why?" Merlin asked, palms sweating.

"Oh, it's just there was someone at the banquet last night who, er, left early and I was just wondering if you bumped into her." Arthur shrugged, praying that by some unlikely miracle Merlin had seen the girl and knew where she went.

Merlin released a breath he didn't realise he'd been holding. Arthur didn't know. It was all ok. He was ok.

Then why did he now feel so let down?

"I'm afraid I saw many women last night. Would you care to specify what she looked like?" Merlin questioned, deciding that he might as well play around a bit while he could.

"Er, well." Arthur's face flushed. "She had this long, dark hair. And pale skin. Eyes the lightest blue you will ever see. And she… she had a nice smile. I mean, it was stunning. Everyone thought so. It was… it was a true smile, you know. Like when she smiled, she actually meant it. She was beautiful. Properly. An honest beauty. Pure. Er, yeh."

Merlin stared, eyes wide. He knew that it wasn't really him, but… still. He had never been called beautiful. Or have somebody describe him with such… was that really… love? In his eyes?

"Shut up, Merlin." Arthur glared, when he saw Merlin's facial expression. "Stop fooling around."

Merlin tried to rearrange his face back into a normal, functioning face. By Arthur's raised eyebrow, he guessed it didn't work.

"I, er, I didn't say anything." Merlin tried.

"Whatever." Arthur grunted.

There was yet another pause. Then, slowly, Merlin spoke.

"She sounds like someone special?" It came out as more of a question. He knew this was a bad idea, whatever this even was, but he just couldn't help himself.

"She was." Arthur muttered bluntly. He took a breath. Then: "I don't suppose you could go and, you know, try and find her?"

Well… Merlin had not seen that coming. "Er…" Merlin gaped.

"What, Merlin?" Arthur narrowed his eyes angrily. He did not need Merlin taunting him.

"Nothing." Merlin shook himself, trying to recover. "It's just, er, where did she go?"

"She left." Arthur grunted.

"I figured out so much." Merlin teased. "I meant, more specifically?"

Arthur paused. "I have no idea."

"So you want me to go on a search for a woman with long, dark hair, pale skin, blue eyes and a nice smile, who could be anywhere in the kingdom? Wow." Merlin raised an eyebrow.

"Just… try. And find her. Would you?" Arthur demanded. Or at least, tried to sound commanding and in control, but failed.

"You really like her, huh?" Merlin's voice whispered the words before his brain gave him permission.

Arthur simply fixed him with an irritated glare. "Just do it, Merlin."

"Prat." Merlin returned without thinking then froze.

Arthur, however, appeared not to even notice. Of course he didn't. The ignorant fool. Merlin bet he wouldn't realise the girl was him even if he transformed back into her right before his eyes.

"But… Arthur… Seriously… You haven't really given me much to go off…" Merlin protested. Not only would his searching be a wasted day, but it would also give other people that were somewhat smarter than Arthur the chance to realise the similarities between the woman Merlin would be going round describing and Merlin himself.

Arthur was still focused on the one word he had heard uttered from his servant's lips. 'Prat'. She had called him that. In very much the same way as Merlin had just then. It brought back so many memories. Such as watching her across the banquet hall. And her kissing him up against a corridor wall. And her killing a sorceress and saving them all. Slowly, his thoughts came back around to the situation at hand, just as Merlin was getting impatient.

"Arthur? Arthur? Any more help here? I'm just meant to go around knocking on all the doors of the kingdom describing what is pretty much one quarter of the women and then find the one that left you last night? I don't suppose she gave you her name? Oh no, that would be far too helpful." Merlin was rolling his eyes.

Arthur's brain whirred. Something wasn't right. "How did you know that?"

"What?" Merlin blinked.

"How did you know that she didn't give me her name?" Arthur furrowed his eyebrows.

Merlin stalled. "Er." Oops. He had really messed up. "Well, you haven't said it yet, so I just assumed..."

Arthur tilted his head and considered this. "Did you… did you read the note or something?"

"What note?" Merlin feigned innocence.

"This one." Arthur held up the crumpled parchment from its place on his bedside table.

Merlin couldn't help but feel a slight glow of pleasure when he realised how well read the letter was, judging by the tattered edges. And that there were definitely more tear marks on the page than he had left last night.

"No." Merlin denied. Then realised he should probably have just said yes. Damn.

Arthur gave him another questioning look, and put the parchment carefully back down. "Ok…" he said, still slightly confused. "Anyway, Merlin, if you don't do it, then I'll just have to get the guards to search for her. I could pretend that I think that she's stolen from me. They'll definitely find her. There's no way she could outrun them, unless she's been running all night. But she has to live somewhere too, right? So they'll find her. Excellent plan. No need for you, Merlin." Arthur grinned triumphantly, and started towards the door.

"No!" Merlin broke out and jumped in the way.

Everything Arthur had just said was absolutely true. There was no way that this 'girl' could have gotten that far outside of Camelot that the knights couldn't find her in an instant. And Arthur was bound to realise something was up when he simply couldn't find her anywhere.

"Merlin? What are you doing?" Arthur questioned, thoroughly confused. "I'm so sorry if I hurt your sensitive pride by discarding you as a searching tool, but…"

"It's not that." Merlin protested.

"Then what is it?" Arthur insisted through gritted teeth.

"It's just… er… maybe… I don't mean to be… but… Arthur… she ran away… maybe she, er… maybe she did that because she doesn't want to be found… she doesn't want to… er… be with you…?" Merlin stuttered, his heart finally fully shattering into a thousand scattered shards.

"No. She… she left because she felt she had to for the sake of the kingdom… Not because she wanted to." Arthur finished defiantly, trying to ignore the fact that it felt like his very soul was hurting at the mere thought.

"Are you sure?" Merlin prompted, buying for time.

"Yes. Now move out my way." Arthur pushed past.

"Er! Wait! No!" Merlin grabbed onto his sleeve, before letting go hurriedly. All contact was a reminder of what he couldn't have.

"What is it, Merlin?" Arthur asked irritably.

"It's just… Er... Well… I don't know… Maybe we should…" Merlin blethered.

Anger took over Arthur and before he had realised what he was doing, he had grabbed Merlin by the front of the shirt and pulled him right up close to his face.

"Merlin, if you do not shut up and get out of my way and let me go after the person I love, I swear to the Gods that I will…" He broke off when Merlin's jaw dropped and his eyes widened. "What?" Merlin never usually cared about his threats.

"You…" Merlin's voice broke as he breathed out the words. "You love m… er, her?"

"What?" Arthur asked, thoroughly confused. At first, it had sounded like… never mind.

They both just stopped and stared at each other. Merlin couldn't help but feel déjà vu from this proximity. He tried to stop himself thinking about it, knowing that he really couldn't, but he also could not help himself. And he also could not help fixating on the words that had just been uttered from the prince's mouth. It was just like there was a new found flicker of electricity between them, which was not helped by Arthur's strong form and handsome face being so very close to Merlin's.

Arthur felt… weird. There was… something… like a spark… between him and his manservant. It was very familiar… almost like… But it couldn't be. Because Arthur wasn't in love with Merlin. But still. His beautiful, big, blue eyes blinking so close to his own did not help at all. In fact, those eyes held something that he almost… recognised? In a way more than just…

Merlin coughed and stepped away. Automatically, Arthur's hand gripped his waist to stop him.

There it was again. A lightning bolt shooting between them.

Arthur blinked, confused. What was going on? He removed his hand.

Merlin coughed again. "So. You love her?"

Arthur glared. "It's none of your business."

Merlin raised an eyebrow trying to hide his laughter. He had no idea how wrong that was. But "You've only known her one night!"

"And yet it feels like I've known her for years. We… understand each other. We get along. How could I not love her?"

Merlin felt like he was melting. It took all of his strength just to stay upright. And yet, it wasn't him that Arthur was talking about. It was the girl form of himself – the beautiful, seductive girl form. Arthur wouldn't give a second glance at the real, ugly, clumsy monstrosity that was the boy form.

"She does indeed sound beautiful." Merlin sighed, resigned.

Arthur took a breath and gave in to the torrent of words that were desperate to escape. "Yes." He shrugged. "Yes I guess she is absolutely beautiful." Merlin's heart sunk. "But that's not why I love her." Merlin looked back up from underneath his eyelashes. "I love her because… I love her because she's… funny. And smart. With witty comebacks. She's… unique. She insults me. And isn't afraid of me. She treats me like a normal person and to hell with being proper. She's clumsy and adorable and genuine. And she has… strength… to her. She's not scared of the normal things that people are scared off. Like crazy sorceresses or meeting the prince or… kissing the prince. She doesn't mind taking the lead and she doesn't care about the consequences. She's fun and light hearted and free. But she's also serious… there's something to her that holds a weight beyond her years and beyond her mind; I can just feel it. And it makes me so in awe of her. And yet she's still so happy and alive. And also, she can actually fight and, when she does, she has a fire in her that burns so brightly I could swear that she is glowing. I mean, she knocked out a sorceress with a shoe. I've never heard of anyone do that, let alone a young peasant. And… well… she saved my life. And my father's. And the kingdom. And for some reason I find that incredibly beautiful – that and just the way that she is – more so than any physical feature. So yes, Merlin. I guess I do love her."

Arthur finished speaking and an absolute silence descended upon the room.

"Arthur…" Merlin breathed without thinking. "I love you too."

.

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Don't worry, this is not the end! (Again). Also, sorry for the cliffhanger (again). And I know, I know, I'm sorry, I know that I just need to finish this really but this chapter turned into a really, really long one and I wrote a short ending to it when I realised how ridiculously long it was, but then I decided that I hated that ending and that it was shit and if I've made you all trek through such a long fanfic, I had better at least give it a bloody good ending. So give me a little while longer, but I thought that I had better give you something to fill the time.