My Yearning Heart

Chapter 4

I Need a Break

It was Friday and that morning started off pretty similar to the previous one. I was dead on my bed and Blake had to come in and wake me up. Unfortunately, I felt like shit so I told her that I was going to call in sick. At first, she checked to see if I was sick, but it wasn't like that at all. I just couldn't go to school today. I did my best to walk her to the door and then I watched her head off to school. I called the school immediately after and they cleared me for the day. I was actually kind of surprised I got off so easily since I was the only nurse on campus. When I returned to my room, I knew it was going to happen. I was no longer tired and couldn't spend my day in bed any longer. I got ready and decided to head into town.

I didn't really have set goal so I just wandered aimlessly until something caught my attention. Right from the start, I wanted to find some place to eat breakfast since I skipped out on dinner last night. I also kind of felt bad for making Blake wait for me even when I didn't even eat with her. After I found an eatery and did my best to finish up the food, I returned to my purposeless journey to clear my mind.

I eventually found myself wander into the city mall. There wasn't anything else to do so I just decided to go with it. Since it was a week day, there wasn't a lot of people there so I just decided to find a bench and think about nothing. However, the things that caught my eye were a displeasing sight. Everyone there was a couple and I'm not even exaggerating. All of the girls were in their boyfriend's arms and the guys all had smiles on their faces. I even saw some same sex couples and they still looked happy.

It was impossible to keep looking. The reminder about my own life was too much. I was getting too old for love and I knew that there wasn't anyone out there for me. I know it might sound pessimistic, but it's very realistic.

"Excuse me, miss, are you here all by yourself?" I turned my head to see an older gentleman. I couldn't help but stereotype him on the spot. He was definitely older by some years and he carried a suitcase like some high-class rich person. Also, the way he approached me made it seem like he wanted something "special." Unfortunately, I didn't have time for him. I told him I was waiting for my friend and he sadly walked off.

Why couldn't that happen to me with a younger man who was handsome? All of a sudden, a strange thought infiltrated my mind.

Am I even completely straight? I mean I like guys, but I've never thought woman are disgusting when it comes to love. Is that the reason why I'm like this? I'm only thinking about guys? No, it can't be. I can say that I'm bi-sexual, but I know that only a man can make me happy. Again, another thought came to mind that made me think even more, more than I intended.

A man was the one that made me sad for so long. A man was the one who made me raise my daughter all by myself. Is that what I call happiness? I know I can't stereotype men just because one of them abandoned me, but I don't know if I can handle something like that again. When it comes to love, men aren't as compassionate as women. Women show love more than anything. If they truly love someone, they'll give them everything. I was like that when we were married, but then things happened and now I'm all alone. What can I possibly do now? Is there anything for me to do?

I was thinking too much and it was all because I was at the mall. I quickly left and tried to find something else. When I looked at the clock, I was shocked that it was already 3pm. School was about to end and I still didn't feel rested. I'm sure Blake will be fine without me. I set my mind on one thing and did not turn back. I found the first bar I could and tried to have a good time. Before I started to indulge myself, I texted Blake and told her that I was going out for the night and for her to be safe and smart. After that, I did everything in my power to not have a care in the world.

Now, I'm not a drinker in any way so for me to lose track of society is pretty easy. I ordered the first thing I saw and it immediately punched me in the face. It was so strong that I barely even knew where I was. Thankfully, that bar a policy where they would keep everyone inside until it was obvious that they had at least 75% mental awareness. I didn't really know what that meant, but I did know that I could trust them.

When I took my first drink, a girl came up next to me and said that I was quite ambitious. I was confused, but she quickly told me that it was the strongest drink in the bar. Unfortunately, it was too late to take it back, but I had a great time after that.

"So what brings you here today?"

"Oh, I've been feeling kind of down so I thought I'd try something new."

"Haha, well, you picked the right place. I'm Cinder."

"I'm Alexandra. You can just call me Alex."

"So what do you do, Alex?"

"I'm a school nurse."

"Haha! You're setting a great example by doing this."

"What's the worry? It's not like my students would see me. I nurse at a high school so there's nothing to worry about." I finished the drink and ordered another one. When I took that next sip, that's when I started to feel a little woozy.

"Dang, you know how to drink."

"Are you kidding me? This stuff's like water to me." I raised my hand and another one came sliding towards me. Now, I was starting to lose track of everything around me. I looked around and saw some people dancing over at the other side of the room. I kicked out my chair and decided to join the fun. I didn't know what I was doing, but I was having a great time. Everyone there was having fun and cheering as more and more people joined dance floor. "Hey Cinder, would you mind getting me another one of those drinks?"

"Heh, you want another one?"

"Of course, it's party time." She smiled and shook her head.

"Jeez, you are one crazy lady." She walked back to the counter and got my drink. When she walked back to me, I quickly took it from her hand and gulped the entire thing.

"Wooo! Let's party!"

"Yyeeeaaahhh!" The entire bar exploded with cheers and loud music. For me, it didn't seem like time passed at all, but eventually, Cinder walked over to me and said that she was heading out for the night. I don't know why, but I sprawled out towards her and hugged her like an idiot.

"I'll see you… again sometime."

"Okay. Enjoy yourself." She walked out and I was left alone again. However, it didn't feel like it at all. The people around me were keeping me company. This was exactly what I've been wanting. I never knew adults could feel like this. Since this was probably going to be the last day I could ever do this, I wasn't going to waste it.

I danced, I talked, and I drank. No one cared about the other. All they wanted to do was have a good time until it was no longer possible for them. Personally, I was surprised I was lasting this long. Apparently my not being a drinker was just a false idea about myself.

After some time, time was nothing to me, but a nuisance. The only thing that was left inside my head was: Should I have another drink? The only reason why I asked this question was because I was quickly starting to lose balance. I could barely stand up and my vision was starting to get a little fuzzy. However, I heard someone yell "bottom's up" which caught my attention. I turned my head to see a group of people toasting about something and then drinking three swigs in total. I couldn't let them beat me which made me go all in. I walked back to the counter and asked for another drink and gulped it just like the last ones. Right as I did, I hit my wall. Everything started to shake, my legs wobbled, and I absolutely had no idea of what was going on. The last thing I remember was me falling to the ground.

What… a… night.

End of Chapter 4