My Yearning Heart
Chapter 8
This Feeling
Note: Just a heads up. The week of April 6th, the times of release for my stories will be a little lax. I will be on vacation that week so I'm not going to be prompt, but they will still come out. Thank you so much for reading and I hope you all enjoy.
"Wait, you're that woman?" I didn't know what to say. It was hard for me to think of anything since she explained what's been going on with Yang for these past few days. "Wow, you're just as beautiful as she says you are."
"I… I don't know what to say. Does she really talk about me like that?"
"Of course. Ever since she met you, you've been the only thing on her mind. I can never get her to talk about anything, but you. If you don't mind me asking, why did you reject her?" It was my worst nightmare. She asked me the one question that I didn't have an answer for her. How was I supposed to answer that question?
"I didn't reject her."
"But she said that you couldn't be with her. Isn't that pretty much the same thing?"
"No, I said that I couldn't give her wanted she wanted.
"And why is that?"
"Because… Because she's a high school student. She can't go out with a teacher like me. She has her whole life ahead of her. All I'd do is hold her back. I can't do that to her without feeling guilty about it."
"But shouldn't love be unrestrained?"
"Why are you asking these questions? It sounds to me that you are totally okay with this. I don't want to judge you since I don't know you very well, but you can't be serious about this."
"I don't know. It's just that she's my friend and I don't like seeing her down like that. Whenever she's happy and full of energy, that's the Yang I love to see. Seeing her down in the dumps and wishing for some miracle to happen isn't like her. Can you just… try talking to her? I'm not saying you should do something you're not comfortable with. Just… try to make her feel better. It would mean the world to me, and her." I slowly stood up and walked to my car.
"I'll think about it." I got in my car and headed back home.
Originally, my plan was to clear my mind, but again, that didn't happen. I ended up flooding my mind with more things than I could possibly hold. The question I kept asking myself was why. I wasn't asking for these things to happen to me, yet they were happening anyway. For something to small as this, it's turning out to be a major problem. I can't accept this sort of thing, but I can't let one of students suffer because of something I did. Should I talk to her or let things go and see where it leads? No, that's the irresponsible thing to do. I have to take responsibility for this… But I'm afraid to talk to her. I don't know why. Whenever I see her, I lose my words and can't think straight. Why is this happening?
When I got home, I immediately walked into the living room and crashed onto the couch. It's been a while since I've used the couch. Usually, I got to my bed and relax. For some reason, being out here it somewhat working. However, I immediately shook out of my little trance. I knew to be productive. That's how I can get over this little problem. I ran to my room and changed. I decided to go on a little jog. Maybe that could be the thing I've needed all of this time. When I finished getting ready, I ran to the door and opened it up. When the door swung open, Yang was standing there, ready to knock.
"Yang? What are you doing here? I thought Blake was at your house."
"No, I just called her and she said she was spending the weekend at another one of her friend's house. Unfortunately, I called her on the way here because I thought we could hang out." Suddenly, Yang's eyes scanned my body and saw that I was in my workout clothes. "So what are you up to?"
"Um, I… I was about to go on a little jog so if you'd excuse me." I tried running by her, but she grabbed my arm before I could get away.
"Ms. Belladonna, please. Can I talk to you? That's the real reason why I'm here." I started to panic. If she was here to talk about that thing, I didn't know if I could handle it. I know I should listen to what she has to say and maybe clear up some things, but something was telling me that this would only lead to more troubling things.
"Okay. Come in." I took a deep breath and walked back into the house with Yang right behind me. I told her to wait in the living while I changed. For some reason, that look she gave me while I was in my workout clothes told me that it was better to be in my normal work clothes. Once I was done with that, I returned to the living room and sat down across from her. "So what did you want to talk to me about?"
"I wanted to talk to you about us." I took a big gulp for I knew this was going to happen.
"What is there to talk about? We're not a thing. We can never be a thing."
"Why not?" Her voice was stern which caught me off guard.
"Can't you tell? You're what, 16? I'm approaching my forties. No matter how you see, it just couldn't be possible. You have your whole life to live. Someone like me would only hold you back."
"I don't care. Happiness is the most important thing in this world, right?" My eyes shot wide open and then a small flashback came into my mind. It was when my husband and I were still together. At that time, I was so happy. I didn't think anything else could get any better. Then the day when Blake was born, everything else went downhill from there. I closed my eyes to stop the tears, but one managed to escape and roll down my face.
"Yes. That is true, but…"
"But what?" Her voice got louder, almost as if she was throwing something on me.
"I can't make you happy!" I opened my eyes and looked right at her, tears rolling down her face. "I could never make you happy. You already have someone so this needs to stop. I'm sorry." I stood up and ran to my room, locking it behind me. After that, I didn't really know what happened. All I could hear was the front door close a few minutes after a retreated to my room.
Why am I crying? I shouldn't be crying. I'm a grown woman stuck in a stupid situation. I need to get over this. I'm a teacher. I need to set a good example for my students, no matter who they are. But… What is this feeling? I felt my chest and it was almost as if someone flipped my on switch on. Why is this happening? The last time I felt like this was when I met my ex-husband. This shouldn't be happening. It can't be.
…
The rest of the weekend was horrible. I was in room, refusing to leave. I laid on my bed and did nothing. For the first time in a long time, my mind was completely empty. Nothing ran through it and I managed to think of nothing. It was like I was trapped in a pitch black box. I didn't know where I was. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to know what to do. There had to be a solution to this feeling of emptiness, this feeling of confusion.
When Blake got home, she filled the house with her cheerful laughs and her positive aura. She knocked on my door, telling me that she was home, but I couldn't respond. That black box had me trapped with no way to escape. I was alone with nowhere to go. For the first time in my life, I didn't know what to do. My eyes wandered the room, but nothing gave me hint at finding peace. Everything felt like a mirror looking right back at me. My face was blank, but on the inside, I was on a boat sailing the treacherous seas. Peace wasn't an option. How could I feel peace? The endless rocking of the boat, the harsh weather, and the mentality of being stuck in the middle of a vast sea was just too much. There was no escape… so how was I going to escape?
End of Chapter 8