Something Lost

Vala was numb as she stared mindlessly at the wall of her quarters. It was a sensation she'd grown accustomed to over the last 5 months and she was well aware that it was a coping mechanism she'd used from a very young age to keep herself sane throughout everything she'd survived. And it was the only reason she was able to go on after this latest loss. Cameron had gone missing on a supposedly uninhabited planet and every attempt to locate him had been unsuccessful. Today was just the final blow. The IOA was insisting that they declare him dead and return their attention toward their 'real' purpose for travelling through the 'gate. Whatever the hell that was. The official search was over. Oh, Vala knew all of the SG teams, starship crews, and Earth's allies would continue their own searches but she wasn't hopeful that they'd find him. Why should she be when no one else was? At first, she'd been bombarded by people offering her assurances that they'd find him. But, little by little, each promise sounded less confident until they'd finally stopped altogether. Even her own team had become defeated with each passing day. They simply went about their jobs, barely even mentioning their lost teammate. And when his name did come up, the air became rife with discouragement.

A light tapping on Vala's door got her attention and she sighed in resignation. She'd known it was only a matter of time before one of her teammates came looking for her.

"Come in," she called, not even bothering to look at the door.

"Hey, you okay?" Daniel asked as he slipped slowly into the room.

"I'm fine, Daniel." Still, she refused to look at him.

"No, you're not," he said after a moment, grabbing her vanity chair and taking a seat in front of her.

"You're right, I'm not. But there doesn't seem to be a damn thing I can do about it, so what's the point?" She knew she sounded bitter but didn't care. She was so tired of losing everything and everyone she cared about.

"Hey, you know we're not giving up, right? We never leave a man behind."

"But we did leave him behind, didn't we?" Vala shouted and stood, anger finally washing away her daze. "We left him on that bloody planet all alone!"

"We didn't have a choice." Daniel stood and grabbed her arm, forcing her to stop pacing. "You know that."

"Didn't have a choice? There's always a choice. We could have stayed, could have figured out what happened before it was too late..." Vala felt a sob tear through her but she steadfastly held it back. She wasn't going to break. She couldn't.

"Don't talk like that. He might still be alive somewhere, annoying the hell out of his captors."

"Why? Because our history doesn't prove otherwise?" she spat out. "I should never have come to this fucking planet."

"Yeah, because your life before Earth was so fulfilling."

"At least it was safe."

"Safe from what?"

"From losing the people I love!"

Vala's eyes widened at the admission, her legs collapsing as she sagged to the bed. She'd never acknowledged this emotion before, not even to herself, and now it was too late. Before she could stop them, tears started flowing down her cheeks. She felt the mattress dip next to her and Daniel's arms enfolded her in a hug. She wept with careless abandon, unconcerned with the vulnerability she was showing. She hadn't allowed herself to feel anything for months and now she couldn't stop the torrent even if she'd wanted to. She was so angry. With the team, with the SGC, with the IOA. But mostly she was angry with herself. She should have stayed, should have kept looking for him. The only emotion stronger than her anger was despair. She'd finally found someone she could open up to, someone who saw who she was and not what she'd done, and she'd lost him. She'd tried telling herself that it was just one more loss in a lifetime of them, but this one was different. She wasn't sure if she could survive it.

"I miss him so much," she whispered when her sobs started to subside.

"I know." Daniel rubbed a hand up and down her back. "I don't care what the IOA says, we're not going to stop looking for him. Ever."

Vala nodded against his chest before pulling back and offering up a watery smile. "Thank you, Daniel. For being here. It's nice to have a shoulder to cry on."

"That's what family is for, Vala." Daniel smiled back. "And you have plenty of it here, don't forget that."

"I'll try not to."

"Good. Now, why don't we grab Sam and Teal'c and go out somewhere? I'm sure we can all use a break from the base."

"Sure, just let me get cleaned up a bit. I'm sure I look an absolute fright."

"Well, you've looked better."

Vala slapped Daniel on the arm as they stood but was grateful for the joke. The loss of Cameron was still heavy on her heart, and would be for a very long time, but at least she didn't have to carry the burden alone.

The End