Title: Blue-eyed Angel, 13/?
Author: Goddess Evie
Date: May8, 2015
Category: JJHR, Angst
Summary: Making progress.
Disclaimer: I do not own JQ. I make no money off this story. I am only using the characters for my own unique story. I also do not own "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. I merely use the lyrics to enhance my humble writing.
Author's Note: So, it's been awhile. You all know how that is. But as I assure you every time, I'm not giving up on this fic. It's gonna get finished. At some point.
To all who reviewed, followed and favorited in the last year +, thank you. Every little notification warms my heart. And reminds me not to give up. And thank you all for the patience. This chapter came out longer than usual and I'm glad to provide you with a lengthier offering. And I can say that the end is near, even if it takes another two years to get there.
Chapter 13 If I lay here—if I just lay here—would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Jessie could tell her parents were dying to know what had transpired in Dr. Goodwyn's office. Hell, they and Hadji and Dr. Quest hadn't been able to hide the questions in their faces, even if they hadn't spoken them, when she and Jonny had immerged from Dr. Goodwyn's office. And now riding in the backseat of her father's car, Jessie watched Race and Estella both fidget. And try to make small talk—with each other, with her. Her family didn't do small talk.
But they wouldn't ask the questions they wanted to and Jessie was grateful. She wasn't ready to talk about what had transpired between her and Jonny. Partly because it felt sacred. The way Jonny had looked at her, his blue eyes shining and intense. And though all he'd done was shake his head at her, she'd known what the gesture had meant. And the weight of the unease she'd carried around with her had just blown away.
But also because, well, how could she explain to her parents, or Hadji and Dr. Quest? They could only understand if they'd been in that room that day, with Jonny and Zach. She was glad they hadn't been. And she wasn't ready to tell them about it. And if she couldn't do that, they wouldn't understand the gravity of what Dr. Goodwyn had helped her and Jonny to accomplish.
The car slowed as they reached the gates of the compound, just ahead of Dr. Quest and Jonny and Hadji in the vehicle behind them.
Maybe we won't have to take separate vehicles to these appointments anymore.
It seemed an odd thought to her. But even odder was the tiny bit of joy it brought to her. Almost enough for a smile.
Race eased the car into its spot in the garage at the compound and shut off the engine. He pulled the key from the ignition, but then the three of them just sat in the quiet car. Jessie could hear the car doors slamming as the Quests exited their vehicle. She turned for a moment to look out the back window. Dr. Quest was already heading for the front door. Hadji had followed him, but stopped when he'd realized his brother wasn't following.
Jonny still stood by the car. Watching her. Or watching for her. His face was tight, unsure. Hadji's mouth moved as he spoke to Jonny, but Jonny didn't respond.
"Jessie," Race said quietly.
She turned to look at her father, meeting his eyes in the rearview mirror. "You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. Don't push yourself too hard."
"I know," Jessie responded.
She pulled on the door handle and exited the car. She stood in the garage for a moment, looking at Jonny looking at her while she waited for the too familiar feelings of unease and discomfort to return. And they did, but not to the degree she'd felt it before.
Jonny is a good person. The best person.
And she knew now she could push past that discomfort to help him. It was a small triumph, she knew, compared to all they still had to face. But it was a step in the right direction.
Thank you, Dr. Goodwyn.
She stepped from the garage and walked to Jonny as she heard her parents exiting the car. He watched her, chewing on his lip, still uncertain even after their talk in Dr. Goodwyn's office—if you could call it that. Only Jessie had said anything.
He didn't say anything, but I still got his message loud and clear.
When she stood next to him, Jessie touched his arm. She watched as his gaze slowly moved down to her hand on his elbow and then back up at her face, questioning and unsure.
"It's a little warm standing out here in the sun. Let's go inside."
Jonny nodded. He began walking toward the house and Hadji standing halfway there. Jessie fell into step beside him, and when they reached him, Hadji walked along on his other side.
"I think Dr. Goodwyn is a good doctor," Hadji commented as they entered through the front door.
Jonny didn't say anything as he watched Jessie from the corner of his eyes.
"I think so too," Jessie agreed.
The three sat together on the couch in the rec room, Jonny in the middle between Hadji and Jessie. He wouldn't stop looking at Jessie, but whenever the feeling of insecurity started feeling like too much, Jessie took a deep breath and reimagined the look in his eyes in Dr. Goodwyn's office. And that was enough.
For a moment Jessie wondered how many days it had been since her movie night with her best friends. She couldn't remember and trying to count back the days proved futile. They were all mixed together in the jumble of eventful days and sleepless nights. Not that it mattered. The memory itself was nice.
Sitting on the couch in silence, with Jonny just staring at her and Hadji trying to appear unobtrusive, made Jessie want for something other than silence. She found it a little daunting how even a few days of difficult communication made finding any sort of topic of conversation difficult to come up with.
So she just went with the first thing to come to mind.
"Jonny, you gotta promise me you'll eat regularly."
He looked at her blankly, like he didn't understand her. Hadji leaned forward to watch her as well.
Jessie forged forward. "I mean it. None of this stupid skipping meals deal. Besides, you love food way too much to not eat it."
She'd meant it as a joke, but it came out flat. And Jonny was still staring blankly at her. Was she even getting through to him?
"You got it?"
It was a long moment before he nodded at her. But it was something.
"Perhaps tonight we could all sit down to dinner together," Hadji suggested.
Jessie nodded. "Yeah. Sounds like a good idea."
Hadji stood. "I will go talk to Dr. Quest and make the arrangements."
"Thanks Hadji," Jessie said quietly.
When Hadji left the room, leaving Jessie alone with Jonny, the awkward silence returned. Jonny watched for a little bit longer, his blue eyes darker than Jessie had ever seen them, but when she said nothing more, he leaned back into the couch once more.
Jessie bit her lip and took her turn studying him from the corner of her eyes. She'd wanted to say so much to him before he'd come home from the police station. And the last few days she'd spent hiding from him as well. But now that she was here with him, all those things disappeared, leaving her mind blank.
But she did want to talk to him. Because she wanted him to talk. So that they'd all know he was going to be okay. No matter what else happened, nothing would really be okay if Jonny wasn't okay.
"I meant what I said about not hating you," Jessie said softly. "I know how you tend to get this complex about being at fault for things that you can't control. And I'm sorry for the way I acted. You needed me and I wasn't there for you."
Jonny's hand rested on the couch between them. Jessie moved her own so the back of her hand touched the back of his. Like he'd done outside, Jonny looked at their touching hands and then up at her. And Jessie tried to decide if his eyes were maybe a hint lighter than they'd been before.
"You were there when I needed you, but when you needed me I abandoned you. I'm so sorry."
His fingers moved, brushing against hers. A much less deliberate sign than his head shake in Dr. Goodwyn's office, but Jessie got the message just as clearly.
I'm not mad.
She squinted her eyes to hold back the tears. Usually she'd turn away until she felt more under control, but she didn't want to give Jonny any wrong or confusing signals.
With a sigh Jessie laid her head against the back of the couch. And suddenly all the fatigue of the last few days came crashing down on her. The extreme emotions buzzing through the compound, the adrenaline of the stupid lawyer's office, the nights of sleeplessness, days of hiding from Jonny, from everyone. She was so tired.
But sleep meant nightmares and she couldn't face them. Or put Jonny in the position of having to deal with her reactions when she woke up from them. She remembered the way he'd looked his first night home after responding to her terrified screams and she didn't want to put him through it again.
But her body could only take so much, and it was winning the fight she was trying to put up against it. Her eyelids weighed too heavily to keep open. Her head lolled to the side. And just before she lost consciousness completely, and without realizing it, she slipped her hand into Jonny's.
"Jessie. … Jessie. … Wake up Jessie."
Jessie moaned and stirred to the sound of her father's voice. Her eyes didn't want to open, like they were glued shut. She was comfortable and warm. And still so very tired.
"C'mon, Jess. Dinner was your suggestion. You don't wanna sleep through it," her father said.
Jessie managed to peep one eye open and look at Race. He crouched in front of her, one hand behind him on the coffee table for support, the other resting on the couch. Jessie rubbed at her eyes to unstick them. She blinked as she lifted her head.
From Jonny's shoulder. He was looking at her in a way that said he was afraid he'd done something wrong. She squeezed his hand.
How long had she been holding that?
Jessie looked to her dad. "How long was I out?"
"About three hours. Hadji said you'd fallen asleep in the time it took him to find Benton and I to tell us you wanted a family dinner." He paused for a minute while she stretched her free arm. "I kept waiting for you to wake up, but you slept through."
Kept waiting for me to scream.
Jessie looked at Jonny again, who was still watching her, waiting for her to be upset for some reason. She couldn't imagine why he would think so. She'd been the one to fall asleep on him.
"Guess I got tired enough to sleep without dreaming," Jessie said.
But looking at Jonny, she didn't think it had to do with just being exhausted.
In a lower voice she said to him, "Hey, I know you gotta be starving."
The worry left his eyes. That was good. But now they were just empty. Emotionless. That was bad.
Race stood. "Let's eat."
He didn't wait for them, and Jessie knew her father was doing them a courtesy. No pressure, his actions said. Join us when you're ready.
Her mother must have cooked. The smells drifting into the rec room were spicy and warm. Jessie's stomach grumbled. For the first time she felt a little hungry.
Jessie shifted to the edge of the couch, then turned to look at Jonny. "I don't care if you're not hungry, you've never had my mom's cooking and you've gotta try it."
It was the closest to normal as she could get under the circumstances. Five days ago she would have made that statement with enthusiasm and happiness. Now it came out flat and emotionless, but that was better than sad or terrified.
Jessie stood. She still held onto Jonny's hand. She pulled to get him to stand. He did so before she had to put any strain into it. And when she began to walk he came with her willingly.
Jessie followed the aromas from the hallway through the kitchen and into the formal dining room. With all of their varied schedules, the combined Quest and Bannon family didn't sit down together for a formal meal more than twice a week. Tonight, Race, Estella, Hadji and Benton all sat around the circle table already digging into the meal Estella had prepared. They'd left two seats empty right next to each other.
Other than a few glances, the four continued to talk amongst themselves while they dished up the food. Jessie led Jonny to the empty chairs and together they sat.
Hadji passed her one of the dishes. She served herself some and then spooned a little onto Jonny's plate. He should have been grabbing the dish from her before she was done serving herself, heaping his plate with food, telling Estella how good it all smelled.
Instead he just stared.
The others were still talking. Jessie leaned in to say softly to Jonny, "I mean it about eating. If you don't start soon, I'll feed you like a baby."
His eyes flicked to her, locked onto her, wide with surprise. Jessie raised her eyebrows at him to assure him she was serious. Jonny picked up his fork and took a small bite. Then another.
Jessie served them both more food from the dishes Hadji casually handed to her until she and Jonny had plenty to eat. Then Jessie made herself do what she'd made Jonny do: she ate.
The conversation died down as everyone began to eat. It had been merely small talk anyways. Compliments on her mother's food, mostly. The silence was worse than the small talk. Jessie felt like everyone was staring at her, waiting for signs the she wouldn't be able to handle this.
"Mom, what were you working on before you flew out here?" Jessie asked. Anything to break the silence.
"The dig you helped me on this summer. In Peru. I was working at the university that hired me to catalogue all the items for study and begin creating the museum display."
"Museum display?" Hadji asked, picking up on the conversation thread to keep it moving. Jessie sighed with relief inwardly. She didn't think she could have kept it going on her own. "I did not realize this dig would be supplying a museum as well."
"Yes, it's connected to the university. I was working with the curators to choose the pieces, write up the descriptions and make sure they were accurate, and plan out the display."
Jessie tuned out the conversation while Estella discussed the details with Hadji and Benton. Even Race offered a few comments, asked a few questions. They all seemed to instinctively know that the conversation helped Jessie feel comfortable.
She turned her attention back to Jonny. He was eating, slowly, methodically. Not looking at anyone. Nowhere near to being a part of the conversation. Every once in a while he'd look at Jessie out of the corner of his eye. She wanted so badly to give him some encouraging smile, but she was as far from smiling as he was from the dinner conversation.
But this was progress and progress was good.
Too soon the talking died down again. But Estella didn't let more than a few silent, awkward moments pass before asking Benton, "What have you been working on? I only ever get to hear snips and tidbits from Jessie when she visits."
Benton blinked at Estella. It had only been about a week since he'd been in his lab last to work on his projects, but that week had been a whirlwind and it took him a moment to make the shift back.
"I'm working with the Danish government to create materials that will make solar panel roads tenable. Sturdier and more efficient. The Danes would like to make such roadways a reality all over their country to add to their green efforts. I've only just started on that one. Haven't had a chance to make much progress."
"If you can accomplish that, it'll make a big splash in more than just Denmark," Estella commented.
"That's what we're hoping, the Danes and I," Benton agreed.
"You were almost finished with the new guidance system for the New Zealand space probe," Hadji suggested.
"Yes. I hate that I'm causing their launch to be pushed back, but well…" Benton glanced at Jessie and Jonny.
Jessie looked away as the other gazes started to look her way. The point of conversation was to keep the attention away from her and Jonny.
"Remind me what it is the New Zealand government wants to study out there in the cosmos," Race said, interrupting the domino effect.
Jessie released the breath she was holding and silently thanked her father.
"Not the government," Benton answered, "one of the universities. They're interested in collecting more concrete data on Pluto and possibly even confirm or deny the existence of other planets in our solar system even further out."
"That sounds like a big step for them," Estella said.
Benton nodded as he swallowed a bite of his food. "Indeed, but as it's for furthering the education of the students there, I'm more than happy to help. A lot of the work on the satellite has been completed by students from all fields, not just astronomy. Engineering and physics, for example."
"What a great opportunity for them all," Estella commented.
"Indeed."
"What's that personal project you've been working on? The one with the lasers?" Race asked.
Benton nodded. "I'm working on an automated guidance system. I suppose all the media attention for driverless cars has piqued my interest. I'm starting from the ground up. It's really just a hobby."
"You have come a long way, Dr. Quest," Hadji stated.
Benton shook his head. "I'm not even anywhere near a prototype stage. There's still a lot of kinks to work out." Benton paused a moment then looked at his elder son. "You've been a great help. I'll miss having your input when you're away at college."
Nobody noticed the way Jonny's eyes flicked up for the first time to look at the rest of the occupants at the table. Only Jessie, who was keeping an eye on Jonny, making sure he was eating, monitoring him for signs of distress. Actually, she would have been happy to see signs of distress. Or any emotion. It would have been an improvement over this flat, guarded Jonny.
Everybody did notice the way Hadji went still, and the tones of his dark complexion paled.
"What is it?" Benton asked gently.
"I-" Hadji paused. Hesitated, and he rarely did that. "I have decided to delay my departure to college."
"What?" Benton exclaimed. "Hadji, no-"
Next to her, Jonny was tense. His fork hovered over his plate as he listened to the conversation. The first thing outside of herself that caught and held his attention. A part of her wanted to cut in, stop the conversation. Save Jonny the distress. But another part of her was simply happy to see any reaction at all from him.
Hadji placed his silverware carefully on either side of his plate and looked at his father. "I will not leave my family in such a time of distress. We stick together. That is always how it has been. Delaying college for a semester or even a year will not detract from my education. Especially since I will be able to continue to work with and learn from you. Which is the better education."
"But Hadji, the experience you'll gain at college outside of the academic side-"
The iron in Hadji came to the surface once more. "Will also not be affected by a year's delay. Dr. Quest, you cannot change my mind. I will not leave them. I know I may not have much of an effect on their healing, but-"
Race interrupted Hadji with a hand on the younger man's shoulder. "You're a big help, Hadji. Don't you dare go thinking you aren't."
Hadji nodded his appreciation. "Nor do I believe I would do very well constantly worrying about them. I would be too distracted from my studies. And I would spend too much time traveling back and forth from home. To check on them. To be near them. This is as much for my own peace of mind as it is for them."
Benton sighed and rubbed at his beard. "Can we at least discuss it together?" Benton glanced at Jonny, finally noticing his tense state. "Privately?"
Hadji nodded. "I will allow it. But I promise, you will not change my mind."
Jonny finally relaxed. His fork made a small clink as it came to rest on his plate. In the silence in the wake of Hadji's revelation, the small sound was magnified. Jessie had lost her appetite and she guessed she wouldn't get Jonny to eat anymore no matter how she threatened him.
And though it was only marginally connected to their situation, the tension in the room was just too much for both of them. A tiny tinge of guilt pricked at Jessie's heart. Hadji should be going to college. He should be looking forward to it.
Just as Estella started to say something, start a new conversation to cover up the tension left over from the previous, Jessie rose and left the dining room. Even though they weren't currently tethered at the hands, Jonny followed her.
Everyone else let them be.
Jessie led Jonny to his father's private study. The rec room was too public, and with all the time she'd been spending there since the incident, she knew anyone coming to look for her—and consequently Jonny—would find them easily.
Of course, if they wanted to find her and Jonny, all any of them had to do was ask IRIS. The computer program that ran the house would give them away without a second thought.
Jessie just wanted a little more time to herself after the tension of dinner. To decompress, and work through the day, and not have any pressure put on them. She knew her family didn't mean to, but she felt like every time they were around, they were looking for some sign that she would be okay. That Jonny would come out of his stupor. That they'd be their own selves again.
But they never would be the same again.
Jessie plopped down on the couch with a loud sigh. Jonny stood next to her until she pulled on his arm to get him to sit. He fidgeted a little, like he couldn't get comfortable, until Jessie placed her hand on his shoulder. He looked her and just settled.
And that was that.
"Thanks for letting me nap on you," Jessie said, even though she knew she wouldn't get a response.
The corner of Jonny's mouth tightened and relaxed. She'd take that as a "you're welcome".
"Do you think anything will ever go back to normal?" Jessie asked softly.
No response from Jonny. Not even the tiniest quirk.
"I don't think I remember what normal even feels like anymore."
Still nothing.
Jessie shook her head. And then she leaned over until she was resting on Jonny's shoulder. Her fatigue hit her with a gargantuan yawn.
"I need to figure out how to convince our dads to let us fall sleep together," she muttered.
Jonny turned his head to look at her. There was something in his eyes that said he agreed.
Jessie guessed he'd come to the same conclusion as her: having him near helped her sleep better.
"Jessie?"
She lifted her head from Jonny's shoulder and looked to the door. Her mother stood halfway in the entrance.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine mom," Jessie replied shortly, then regretted her shortness. "It was just getting to be too much."
Estella nodded. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay."
"We're okay."
The moment her mother disappeared, Jessie let her head fall back to Jonny's shoulder. After a moment she put her hand in his. He tightened his grip immediately.
Jessie yawned again and she was struggling to keep her eyes open.
"Y'know," she said drowsily, "you're better than tryptophan."