A/N – Hallelujah, my cold is starting to think about going away! Okay, it's another short chapter. I hope you like it. Please review. Thanks!
Disclaimer – Every now and again, I think about looking up the etymology of the word Disclaimer, and then think, what's the point. If I can't figure it out without looking it up, I'm not that bright.
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When Sara woke the next morning, Gil was already awake and sitting at the little desk. Quietly, she watched him flip pages, sometimes smiling and sometimes frowning. Her mother had been correct in saying the good and the bed were contained in the album. Several years before, Laura had run across a box of pictures, and had decided to put together what she called her 'Book of Honesty'.
The book contained pictures of her smiling, frowning, and even sometimes crying. Every picture represented a part of Sara's life – a piece of her own history. Some of the pictures caused her physical pain to look at, while others brought back memories that made her smile.
"I've spent my entire life feeling ashamed," she said quietly, grabbing a robe from the closet and standing next him. As she looked at ten year old Sara very soberly holding up a science fair second place prize, she touched the picture and said, "I used to think I had to be the best at everything just to keep peace."
When he glanced up, she smiled sadly. "I don't know when happiness simply ceased to exist, but it did," she said. Placing her hand over that serious face, she looked at her husband and said something she'd wanted to say for a long time. "I have never felt ashamed of our relationship. I know you've questioned that. It's more like I was afraid of the rumors and whispers." Shaking her head, she concluded, "I've always been so afraid people will see straight through me, I don't want anyone to see me at all. I really didn't want anyone to think I slept with you for the job."
Pulling her onto his lap, he murmured, "Anyone who knows you – really knows you – knows that isn't the case." Smiling ruefully, he continued, "The fact is, neither one of us handled it all that well. Part of me was afraid of what would happen if Ecklie had found out. It turns out, if I'd told him what was going on, he probably would have just shifted you to report to Catherine."
"We don't always know how to read people's intentions, do we?" she asked. At his chuckle, she smiled, and kissed his neck.
His face sobering as he watched hers, he softly asked, "Are you finding what you're looking for?" and saw her smile.
"Yes," she responded. Standing, she approached the closet, grabbed some clothes, and headed into the shower. Before she entered the bathroom, she smiled, and said, "Let me get dressed and we'll go eat."
Walking down the street, Sara grabbed hold of Grissom's hand. "I should have always been holding your hand," she said. When she looked up at him, he grinned. "I should have doing a lot of things, like holding you and kissing you, whenever one of us needed it," she added. Sneaking a peak as they walked, she told him, "I am going to ask you a question, and I want you to think about the answer before you say anything." Pausing, she turned mid-stride and stopped to face him. "Did you ask me to marry you because you thought we were drifting apart?" With the question asked, she turned, and pulled him along to a local diner.
It wasn't until they were seated that Grissom finally answered with, "Yes. I think part of the reason I proposed when I did was because I felt us drifting apart. However, I would have never asked if I didn't feel this way about you." His eyes earnest, he leaned forward, and kissed her cheek.
"Okay. I think that makes us about even, then. Part of me said yes for the same reason. However, I would never have said yes if I didn't love you so much," she responded, her face a picture of earnestness.
"We're a strange pair," he chuckled. When she grinned slyly at him, the grin turned into a chuckle.
"I don't know if I can change who I am and how I feel about people talking about me," Sara said with a frown. Thoughtfully, she added, "I can certainly try to change how I react, though. The fact is, I'm not ashamed of our relationship. What we've built over the last couple of years is the first relationship I've ever had based on honesty. We never talked about a lot of things, and I think that needs to change, but we have always tried to be honest in our reactions with one another."
Considering her comments, Grissom took a sip of his coffee before saying, "You're right on a lot of things. I think we need to start talking about things we never say, though."
After placing their orders, Grissom held Sara's hand and turned her words back on her. "I am going to ask you a question, and I want you to think about the answer before you say anything. Why are you afraid to self-destruct in front of me?"
Sitting back, she contemplated the question. It was something she'd asked herself frequently since she left. At times, she thought herself insane for leaving him behind. At other times, she understood a most basic fear drove her. "I have this deep seated fear in me that is made up of so many pieces and parts – and so overwhelming at times. I think I've been afraid for you to see the worst of me. I know I've been afraid that even I don't know the worst of me. So in the end, I left you behind. After that, I was just a mass of confused emotions. If I'm being honest, part of me felt like I'd been gone for awhile, already, and that I'd lost you."
At his puzzled look, she asked, "Did I ever tell you I don't like whispers? For that matter, did you know that it's a major phobia of mine?" When he squeezed her hand, she saw the puzzled look on his face. Quietly, she added, "Have you ever been frozen in fear? I mean truly frozen – you can't move or breathe. That's what it's like for me at times, and it stems from spending most of my life trying to be an invisible, perfect person."
Feeling the conversation become more and more intense, Grissom began to steer the conversation, until Sara noticed and laughed. Having been caught, that boyish grin she loved to see emerged, and she sighed. Eventually, they finished their meal and made their way back to the apartment.
For several hours, Sara went through each picture in the album. Every now and again, she stopped to make an observation. Time ticked by quickly, as they watched the first twelve years of Sara's life unfold in front of them.
"It's taken me coming back to see this… to know that sometimes the mind of a child traps in terrors that aren't so terrifying as an adult," she murmured. As she flipped the album shut, she smiled sadly, when she said, "I wish I'd done this years before. It's given me a kind of peace I never knew I could feel."
"Let's go down to the wharf," Gil suggested, helping her up from her seat on the bed, where they'd been going through the album.
Smiling, she hugged him tight, and said, "That sounds great. There's a wonderful vegetarian place down there. Plus, it'll help take my mind off of what Laura is going to be telling me tonight."
Holding her hand, he pulled her through the door and said, "Let's go enjoy the day. We'll worry about tonight later."
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A/N – I was nice. I wrote two chapters. Wasn't that nice of me? Really really nice? As in please give me a review because I earned it kind of nice? Please? Please? I'm nice. Click the button and review the nice person's work.