Disclaimer: Alright, let's get this over with- no, I don't own Wicked, yes I am sorry for not updating (not that it was my fault), no, I don't agree with a certain bitter footman's opinion of Miss Holtzman, yes, I reference at least one other musical every chapter except the first one (so far Cats, RENT, Sweeney Todd, Lion King, Wicked, Little Shop of Horrors, and just pushing it with Seusical/RENT again, respectively), no I don't own Fergie, thank Oz, yes I suck at song parodying, and NO, I DID NOT EAT GRASS AS A CHILD (more than once).
Oh, Oz. What a nightmare. Why had she even brought it up in the first place? She was such an idiot. What had she been thinking? She ought to have known it would never work out, but she didn't understand what the problem was!
Maybe the lip gloss tube was too big?
Elphaba took a step backward, studying her work and trying not to wince. Only one thought came to mind:
Boq had actually looked a lot better than this.
Shizkin, she thought anxiously, dabbing her sister's lips with a handkerchief. At least she had had the good sense to make Nessarose face away from the mirror before she started this mascara-massacre.
She leaned in again intently, nearly squinting her eyes with concentration-
-and then the door flew open and thrust backwards with a deafening SLAM as Galinda entered.
"IhaveneverbeensohumiliatedinallmylifehowcouldtheydothistomesomeonefetchmemysmellingsaltsIswearIcouldfai-WHAT THE FRUGAL HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR SISTER?!"
Fortunately for Elphaba, Nessarose didn't seem to pick up on the fact that Galinda considered 'frugal' to be her version of the F-word, and therefore was too busy trying to decipher why she had just been called cheap to suspect anything amiss with her make-up.
Hastily, Elphaba grabbed Galinda by the crook of her elbow and steered her to the other side of the room.
"She hasn't caught sight of it yet," the green girl whispered urgently. "She did that blasted Tragically Beautiful trap on me, I couldn't say no- and don't raise a fuss with me, I could press charges, I swear your eyeshadow wand tried to accost me-"
"Red powder against a china-doll complexion? I'd say the wand was well within its rights," retorted Galinda. She rubbed her temples with her hand. "Oh, but I'm too tired for this," she sighed. "Just- wipe up the carnage once your through, I don't need to wake up to that in the morning."
Elphaba blinked at her roommate's oddly reasonable attitude. "What exactly happened tonight, Galinda?"
The blonde threw her hair arms into the air. "I became a conservative, that's what happened!" she cried dramatically.
Elphie blinked.
"Um, okay," she said slowly, in the manner might use to address a five-year-old. "But how-?"
"I went mad! I don't know what happened, he was just so cute with this oddly panicked yet determined look on his face and I-" she paused, remembering Nessa's presence and whispered audibly, "I told him that secret I told you about after that night at the Ozdust!"
Elphaba struggled to remember if it was physically possible for a person's lungs to deflate. "And what did he say?" she squeaked (Nessarose looked quite bewildered at the foreign sound coming out of her sister's mouth).
"I don't know!" Galinda wailed. "That horrible Tibbett and Crope interrupted us the second I got the words out of my mouth! And they wouldn't leave, no matter what we did- poor Fiyero even offered to by them drinks, just to get them out of our hair, the poor darling- but to no avail! And then they scared him away so fast I never got an answer out of him!"
Elphie nodded, stone-faced.
"To top it all off," the blonde sniffled, "Biq saw me crying when I went past his room and insisted on walking me home!" She hiccupped, then tossed her handbag to the floor carelessly and announced, "I'm going to get my bath beads and soak in the tub for the rest of the evening- don't disturb me unless there's a fire or something. Or if Shenshen says she finally found that knockoff from Ozercrombie."
And with that she sauntered off without another word, slamming the bathroom door behind her.
Elphaba slowly turned back towards her little sister, an excuse already formulating on her tongue.
She needn't have bothered. Nessa was staring incredulously after the blonde, clearly off in her own little world.
"Boq," she whispered, hands twitching as if she were about to throttle something. "It's Boq. Three Quoxing letters! Is it so hard to remember?!"
"Well they are both vowels," her sister replied absently. "I'm going for a walk."
Rosie made no reply, still muttering to herself. Elphaba slipped out unnoticed, catching only the faintest beginning of a scream as her sister must have turned and saw her reflection in the mirror.
"Fiyero! Fiyero, open up in there! FIYERO!"
Her knuckles were starting to ache- this did not help to improve her livid mood.
"FIYERO TIGGULAR!" Elphaba shouted, rapping harder still on the door of his dorm room, "I HAVE BEEN STANDING OUT HERE FOR NEARLY A QUARTER OF AN HOUR AND IF YOU HONESTLY THINK I'M GOING ANYWHERE YOU CAN JUST-"
"Do I want to know?" a voice asked as the door finally swung open.
"Hello, Minoroscar-Celebus," Elphie greeted him curtly. "Is Fiyero here?"
"No- though I'm surprised he didn't hear you yelling across campus and come running," he replied coolly.
Elphaba realized he was probably within his rights to be snippy but at the moment simply couldn't care less. "Well have you any idea when he'll be back?" she pressed.
OC shrugged. "He hasn't been back since he went to br-since he went to meet Galinda."
"Right," Elphaba said tersely- this bit of information did not serve to calm her temper any. "Well would you mind if I waited inside for him?"
"Uh, yes," Minororscar replied contemptuously.
Elphie narrowed her eyes. "It'll only be until he returns, I assure you I'm not carrying any sort of flu virus or anything- I've always been this color."
Minor OC opened the door fully, revealing that one of his arms was draped around a girl with her hair (and lipstick) pointedly mussed.
"Oh, um, hi Mary Sue!" Elphaba addressed her, flushing.
The petite exchange student glared at her. "It Marisu!" she snapped in her thick Evian accent.
"Of course," Elphaba replied hastily, deeply embarrassed but still determined. She turned back to Minor OC. "Could I just, um, wait in his room till he gets back? With the door locked and the stereo cranked really, really loudly to drown out any- er, conversations you two might be having?"
He glanced questioningly towards Marisu, who wrinkled her button nose but shrugged consentingly.
"Whatever," OC agreed gruffly, holding the door open and ushering her brusquely inside.
Elphaba ignored his ungracious tone and hurriedly darted into Fiyero's room, which his roommate indicated to be the first on the left before quickly rejoining Marisu on the couch. It was surprisingly undecorated for such a large suite- he needed the extra space to practice his idiotic dance moves, she supposed frostily. His bureau was practically buried with trophies from dance competitions; tap, jazz, waltzing, salsa…the phrase "takes two to tango" randomly popped into her head.
Vain little thing, Elphaba thought suddenly- waspishly. She fought the urge to sweep all the awards off the dresser, sending them crashing to the floor. Instead, she stormed over to his CD player and, as promised, raised the volume to a point where her eardrums nearly bled.
Elphie was, in short, fuming. It was one thing to toy with her emotions, but to hurt Galinda as well? And what, the blonde girl wasn't good enough for Fiyero to marry, was that it? Who else would he get engaged to, Nessarose?
It was all too much- this time, he'd gone too far. She'd show him.
The music pulsed in her ears as she made this vow- Elphaba didn't recognize the artist, but she sounded vaguely familiar. She certainly found her lyrics relatable enough.
I hope you realize, I hope you realize
That this just isn't about you
It's private, for me alone
I wish you'd just go home
And I'm gonna pine for you like a baby whines for its bottle
But I have to care for me and my own self
It's time/ I let this sleeeeeeeeep
And grown women don't weep.
Yes, that was it exactly. She wasn't pining for Fiyero at all- she was nostalgic for romance in general. That was all.
Maybe. All Elphaba knew, she reflected irritably, is that Fiyero had better show up soon or risk more than a trophy being broken.
Shizkin, when did benches get so uncomfortable?
Fiyero massaged his aching neck as he sat up, squinting blearily at the early morning sun. He checked his watch- ten minutes to nine.
Oz, this had better work. After the disastrous dinner date with Galinda, he had managed to sneak off campus and send out a telegram requesting a reply as soon as possible. He received it about five hours after the fact (not unusual, but Fiyero suspected he had waited an extra hour before sending word back purely to torment him) with train number and arrival time enclosed. Too anxious about sleeping in/running into anyone he knew prior to his safety net's arrival, he decided to stay at the train station. Besides, by that time it was nearly three in the morning, and what would have been the point?
The screech of brakes against the tracks jolted Fiyero out of his recollections; finally, he was here. Or ought to be, anyway.
He craned his neck impatiently as people flooded off the train. Finally, after most of the other passengers had dispersed, he spotted a familiar face.
Grinning, he quickly hurried over and smacked him cheerfully on the back. "Hello, Avaric, long time no see," he said pleasantly.
"Master Fiyero." Avaric gave a formal nod of acknowledgement before turning his attention back to the valise in front of him, taking a deep breath, lifted it up and just managed to waddle it off the platform before he was forced to let go, the thing toppling to the ground with an audible thud.
"Sweet Oz, what did he put in that thing, bricks?" Fiyero asked concerned as Avaric went for another suitcase.
The manservant glared. "May I be frank?" he requested, voice cool and professional.
Oh, Oz. "Go ahead."
"Do you really think I'd be stupid enough to fall for that trick twice?" he pressed. "Oz, you act like I haven't gone back over his shoulder every time he's had to pack anything since he was six and a half."
How Avaric always remembered the exact decimal of everything ("you lost your first baby tooth when you were four point seven years old") Fiyero never knew, but he was more interested in the fact that he had more luggage to attend to.
"Didn't you tell him he could only stay with me for the weekend?" he asked incredulously. "My roommate's probably going to skin me alive as it is!"
"Well, perhaps he's bringing one for each day." Avaric was always rather tart after being forced to do manual labor. Or wash the dog.
"Please," a rich, boasting voice drawled, its owner hidden from view by the train compartment, "I'll need that much to survive a weekend in this hovel."
Shizkin, why does common sense only nag me when after it's too late? "I survived this hovel for a good while now, thanks," Fiyero called back cheerily. "Won't you come out? The chemicals from the science lab haven't leaked out onto the townspeople and mutated us all yet, you know."
And there we have the real reason why no matter how many boarding schools I got kicked out of, that whole 'home schooling' thing never came up on the table.
"I can't just walk out," the disembodied voice said, sounding scandalized. "I have to be announced first."
You know what? I take it back. Life is NOT painless for the brainless. Because if I had a brain, I would have realized what a STUPID, EGOTISTICAL, PATHETIC last-ditch effort this was, and all my 'pain' would be about 600 miles away. Or however far away this place is from the Vinkus.
Avaric gave the direction of the voice a withering look. "I'm not even done with the bags yet, could I possibly wait until I get my breath back?" He'd been with the family so long that 'propriety' was really more of a suggestion.
The silhouette on the train wall leaned forward a little. "Well you've got all of my bags, anyway," he said disdainfully. "Just leave the rest for the moment and announce me."
Fiyero didn't like the inflection he made on the word "my". He quickly glanced down at the suitcases Avaric had already stacked; the one on top, he only just realized, was pink with a large, oriental gold "S" across it.
"Oh. My. Oz," he breathed, horrorstruck. He hurriedly climbed up the platform and stuck his head inside, turning it frantically. "Noyoudidn'tnoyoudidn'tnoyoudidn't-"
The boy next to him laughed. "I didn't realize you could turn purple."
Fiyero rounded on him, chest heaving. "You brought SARI here?" he demanded, eyes wild with panic. "Are you freaking OUT OF YOUR MIND why in the world would you bring-"
"Dude!" The boy cried, still laughing, "Relaxify! Sari's back home!" When the look on Fiyero's face remained that of skeptical anxiety, he added, "Dude, I'll prove it." He turned around and shouted at the top of his voice, "YO! ONE! GET DOWN HERE, YOUR MAN IS WAITING!"
Nothing.
"See?" the shouter said confidently, "Totally not here."
Fiyero nodded slowly. "You're right," he drawled, "There is no conceivable way Sarima would not materialize out of nowhere and kill you for calling her 'One' if she was not a safe six hundred miles away."
"I have a name, you hear me, I'm not just one more bloodline in some stupid harem clan! I HAVE AN IDENTITY!" the other boy mimicked nasally. "Oz, she really is a singular sensation, isn't she? I can't believe you almost married into that."
"ARE YOU TWO GOING TO COME OFF THIS DAGGONE TRAIN SOMETIME BEFORE LURLINEMAS?!" Avaric bellowed from below, "BECAUSE I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT SUPERVISING YOUR ROYAL HIDE AND I'D APPRECHIATE THE CHANCE TO FRESHEN UP OR AT LEAST FIND A DECENT PLACE TO HACK OFF THE PROPS OF YOUR LITTLE JOKE OF SCARING YOUR LITLLE BROTHER TO DEATH ABOUT HIS MONSTER EX-FIANCE THAT WEIGHS THREE HUNDRED POUNDS!"
"Do you think he means the bag or Sari weighs-" the boy smirked
"WILLIAM HARRY CHARLES TIGGULAR THE THIRD!"
"Well, I guess I've been announced," Willharry replied dryly, and hopped to the ground. "Aw, buck up, Avy," he said boisterously, wrapping an arm around the manservant's shoulders. "You've been a good sport thus far- tell ya what, tonight, right before we go to bed, you can tell me all about how you were once a rich, egotistical, little snot-rag like us, until you married that Winnie hag and she stole it all away, proving that you should have listened to your mother and stayed with that Gregoria girl."
Avaric scowled. "Gregoria was far too literate for my taste anyway."
"Really? So the fact that she married that Andy fellow who made millions off his paintings- not to mention her with her writing- leaves you absolutely no sense of bitterness at all?"
"Master Willharry, I did not raise you to act like an asshole." Avaric stated mildly.
Willharry sighed dramatically. "Well, practice makes perfect, and more than once I've been called a perfect asshole."
Fiyero wisely stepped between them before Avaric (who, for some reason, had a look on his face as though Will had just stolen something from him) could retort and asked his brother hastily, "So you get why you're here, right?"
The other prince rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah," he griped, "Bail out baby brother using the many natural assets which he, sadly, does not possess to charm his significant other out of his arms." Willharry gave him an intimidating stare. "I'm warning you, Fif, this chick had better be cute. I didn't bail out on Smallton last night just so you could hook me up with some chess club member."
Fif? Oz, he'd forgotten about that one. "She's flaming, trust me," he reassured him quickly. "She's just not my type."
Willharry snorted. "Since when is flaming not your type?"
Fiyero squared his shoulders defiantly. "Well maybe I've had some emotional growth and maturity since the last time I was home, huh?"
His brother stared at him for a clock tick before bursting out laughing. "Come on, Avaric," he said, still chortling, "You're right- I think Fiyero's having some REM issues too. And I need a cheeseburger."
And obviously, this is not the last chapter, as I had previously estimated. It just got TOO LONG. So keep those alerts up! (Review and you get a free Boqie Doll- plus shipping and handling, of course.)