Disclaimer: …This chapter is going to suck. I just know it. It's the last one, of course it's going to be horrible and make no sense and blah blah blah SELF DOUBT FAIRY GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!
Fiyero had been standing in front of the Elphaba/Galinda dorm room in indecision for about ten minutes before he felt a tap on his shoulder.
"The doorknob's that way," Willharry said, pointing.
"How did you find me?" his brother asked blankly.
"I memorized the sign out front that said the girl's dorms were rooms 354-652," he shrugged. "The rest was easy."
Fiyero goggled at him. "You really do have a problem, don't you?" he inquired warily.
"Dude, you're the one pining after a green chick; leave my fetishes alone and I won't point out yours," Will replied archly.
Not wanting to get into an argument about it, as raised voices might make the tenants of the dorm behind him come out to investigate, Fiyero changed the subject. "What are you doing here, anyway? I thought you wanted no part of this."
"I don't," he replied haughtily, "I just figured if you were going to do this thing, it might be easier if that Galinda chick was out of the room. And it might prove some fun for me to, like, mess with her, or whatever."
"Aw," Fiyero said, truly touched. He knew that behind his gruff-talking façade, Willharry had been genuinely worried about him and came to make sure everything was alright. "You care, Wills!"
"Shut up and open the door," the courteous reply he received.
"Say 'please'," goaded Fiyero, now cheered to his usual, mischievous self.
"Please tell me this girl is not nearly as psychotic as you made her out to be, in which case I will kill you," Willharry replied, apparently alluding to Galinda.
"Not really," Fiyero admitted with some reluctance. "But she's got this thing, she's constantly perky and smiley all the time, I think it must be like a disease-"
"Mellitis?"
"You made that up."
"True, but Mother was performing at some scientific benefit the other night, and I somehow got dragged along, and I got stuck sitting next to a man who injects Botoz for a living, so I figure if pressured I could make up a clinical diagnosis for it."
"Can we just get this over with?" Fiyero interjected, gesturing towards the door. Willharry drew an over-exaggerated sigh and stood aside so his brother could knock.
Less than half a clock tick later the door wretched open, seemingly by itself, until a slightly shrill voice cried, "MASTER FIYERO! You've come to distract- I mean, apologize to Miss Galinda! How perfectly marvelous- won't you and you're extremely handsome friend come in?"
In that moment, Fiyero decided he really needed to start paying more attention to his surroundings, brainless or not. His recollection of Miss Nessarose was a timid, socially conscious girl with low-self esteem and an unrequited crush on Boq. In less than three days, however, he'd not only discovered that she and the munchkin were a little more than together, but also that her she fussed with her raven hair using a curling iron, smeared so much mascara over her eyelashes he was surprised she could see, and the prized shoes she was famous for treasuring so laced all the way up her calves, past her knees, and drew his eyes to a place that would not have improved Elphaba's opinion of his vulgarity (not that this was his fault).
He also hadn't noted how wild-eyed she was. Nor could he remember her sharing her sister and Galinda's dormitory.
"GALINDY!" she squawked again in her too-chipper voice. "Lookie who's here!"
The crippled girl wheeled herself behind the younger Prince and nearly ran him over in the effort to usher him in front of the vanity, over which Galinda was slumped over, seemingly mixing together some kind of cream.
"Nessa, I told you not to get that, you're mud mask is almost ready," the blonde replied without looking up, her tone impatient.
Nessarose paled beneath her artificially-rouged cheeks. "B-b-but there's a handsome prince here!" she stammered desperately, looking terrified. "He' s here to kiss and make ou- up with you!"
He leaned down and whispered, "Actually, I'm just delivering something to your sister, I'm not-"
She gave him a look that for the first time made Fiyero believe she and Elphaba could actually be related.
Galinda's head jerked up immediately. "Oh, Fifi," she said breathlessly, looking quite anxious. Her blue eyes traveled just over his shoulder. "Oh- and Fifi's brother!"
In the awkwardness of the moment, "Fifi" had temporarily forgotten about Wills, who he miraculously did not hear suppressing loud guffaws at his pet name. Curious as to what could be wrong with his ears, Fiyero turned to his brother for conformation that he had gone deaf and instead found him slack-jawed, blue eyes slightly out of focus but nonetheless pinned on Galinda.
By Oz, she's Willified Will!!!!
In panic, Fiyero jerked his neck around again and babbled, "Yes, um- Galinda, this is Willharry- you see you threw me for a loop last night, since in the Vinkus while it's customary for the female to propose to her beau, they usually ask their oldest sibling or parent for their permission first, so I couldn't give you an answer. Fortunately I've sent for good Ol' Willz, so you too can have a nice chat out on the grounds. Tootles!"
Praying that once he got over the shock of Galinda's physical perfection Willharry would be back to his usual playboy state, Fiyero basically shoved the pair of them out the door and slammed it behind them.
Nessarose slumped limply in her chair, apparently overwhelmed with relief. "Thank you," she breathed gratefully. "You practically saved my life!"
"Er-no problem," Fiyero replied, not having a clue what she was talking about, "Is your sister in?"
"She all but stormed in here a moment ago, locking herself in her room. I wanted to interrogate her but someone-" she narrowed her heavily lidded eyes "-didn't notice, and concluded the cleansing of my pores was more important."
"Yes, well I'm afraid I've offended her," the Prince admitted bashfully.
Nessarose scoffed. "It's rather hard not to, duckie," she said darkly. "I personally think she's reacting ridiculously to this whole thing-"
"Er, right," Fiyero cut in. He fumbled with his shirttails. "If you could just give her this for me, I'll be on my way-"
Nessa chuckled. "Oh, no," she said, wheeling a bit backward. "I'm not playing message matron for you- you'll have to figure this out yourselves."
"What is that, some kind of annoying sibling trait?!" Fiyero yelled in frustration.
Nessarose's eyes brimmed with tears. "Now that's rather harsh!" she wailed, dabbing her eyes with the cuff of the sleeve. "Really, and I hardly know you!"
"Oh-er-Miss Nessa- dammit!-" Fiyero knelt down, fumbling with his handkerchief. "Please, I didn't mean to upset you- honestly, I just haven't gotten a good night's sleep recently and-"
"WHAT THE QUOX HAVE YOU DONE NOW?!"
Before Fifi the ExperiencelesswithWomenIX of the Vinkus quite knew what was happening, a green blur had shoved him out of the way and onto the floor.
"Now really, it's one thing to take advantage of poor Galinda, but to start in on my poor defenseless sister, uncalled on no less-"
"Oh please," Nessarose said despairingly. "Fabala, do you even hear yourself? It's one thing to go on one of your tangents, but for the love of Oz stop trying to make it about righteous fury- you sound like Morrible."
Elphaba gawked at her. "Nessie…" she said slowly, "Have you be conked on the head recently?"
"No!" she growled. "I'm tired, I'm cranky, I've inhaled far too much Ax! Fragrance by Chopper, and I'm positively sick of you making yourself so unhappy just because you're green or it's raining or you get sick of people accusing me of being skitso!"
"…You're the one that does that," Elphaba pointed out tentatively.
"WHATEVER!" exploded Nessarose. "I'm sick of you sulking because a handsome prince is FREAKING IN LOVE WITH YOU!"
Elphaba was, to say the least, rather taken aback at this statement. "But-but-" she stammered "H-he made you cry!"
Nessa rolled her eyes. "He did not," she said flatly. "Not any more than Father did when he wouldn't buy me that pony- at first."
Elphie blinked. "Wait," she said slowly. "You mean-"
Grinning wickedly, Rosie rolled up to her sister and snatched a key out of her dress pocket, then pushed past her to her bedroom door, which a second later closed with an audible 'click'.
"There, now," she said sweetly once the deed was done. "You'll have to talk this out like little adults now, won't you, while I go outside to guard the front door so neither of you leave?"
Without waiting for answer, she swiveled around and thrust herself out the door, shutting it lightly behind her.
An awkward silence settled frostily over the room. Elphaba, still glaring after her sister, had her arms crossed over her chest in a highly foreboding manner, while Fiyero was still trying to figure out why the Quox Will had forced him to do this instead of leaving him alone to eat ice cream in his pajamas for a week.
"Lousy little…I swear I never knew why Father…gotten the physician tested years ago, bound to have undiagnosed Obstinate Obsessive Craziness…"
Highly tempted to just throw the envelopes at her feet and stalk out, Fiyero took a small breath and then forced himself to say, "Now, accusing her of being OOC is a tad harsh…"
Instantaneously, the green girl hurled him a Death Look. "Just tell me what you want to say, so my asylum-bound sibling will set us free and we can stop breathing the same air."
What I want to say? Fiyero thought incredulously. What I want to say is that you're the one being insane, that I didn't do anything, and would you just shut up and KISS ME already???
"Here, just take these, please," he said, extending the envelopes out to Elphaba, who, in turn, slapped them out of his hands in a highly melodramatic way not unlike a dime novel character might behave.
"Oh, no," she said scathingly, and pointed towards the door. "She said talk it out, not write it out."
"And the difference is…?"
"The difference is," she replied impatiently, "If she's only listening at make sure we're talking, not to what we're actually saying, she won't let you out and I'll have to climb through a window to get away from you, and I don't want to wrinkle my dress."
Fiyero stared at her, agape. "Elphaba…" he said slowly, "Are you quite certain you aren't running a fever? Or having some kind of reaction to the Vinkus spices I keep under my mattress to sooth me to sleep? Because you are, frankly, bypassing ludicrous and heading straight for delirious without passing 'Go' or collecting 200 coin! This is the least rational conversation I've ever heard- and my mother's a pop star, for Oz sake!"
"Oh, can't you ever say anything without making it into a joke?" Elphaba- whose eyes were, in fact, red rimed- wailed. Fiyero stared at her as she continued to rant, focusing on the brown spheres he'd come to savor- the pupils of which undeniably dilated.
Aw, shizkin. It had to be the Winkie Spice. He knew there must be a reason his people introduced the custom of sleeping with therapeutic aromas at such a young age. Undoubtedly Elphie was either allergic to it, or the scent was too strong for foreign nostrils to handle.
"Blah blah blah, Fiyero you suck at life, blah blah blah, Galinda and I go together like good-nut butter and wicked jelly, you have to be nice to her, blah blah" seemed to be the gist of what she was saying. Only in bigger words. This was a comfort, as she couldn't be too out of it if she was still using words longer than her bedpost in conversation. More than likely she was just on a little buzz, and her natural suspiciousness had been enhanced to wild paranoia because of it. Other than a nasty headache in another few hours, she ought to be fine, and since there was no need for medical attention form the younger version of the- what had Wills called it? "love EMT?"- Fiyero was more than ready to get out of there.
"Would you please just take these and shut up?" Fiyero asked tiredly, picking the envelopes off of the floor, where they had remained after Elphie had knocked them out of his hand the first time.
"No," she replied stoutly.
"Fine," Fiyero grumbled, growing more irritated with the stoned girl. "I'll read it out loud, so darling Nessie can hear and you won't have to hoist yourself out of a vent in order to relieve yourself of interacting with my exasperating personality."
Hey, he could use big words too! (Never mind she had taught them to him during their study session…)
Fiyero tore open one of the envelopes with his thumb and managed to read, "Dear Miss-" before Elphaba interrupted.
"Oh, Oz."
There was nothing slurred in her tone now. Glancing up with some concern, Fiyero saw that her green face had frozen into a look of utter terror.
"What?" he asked tentatively.
Elphie slowly pointed a quivering finger. "T-that's marked with the official TOTO examiner seal," she stammered. "T-there's n-no reason or way a professor could hand back results so quickly unless-"
She snatched the paper (rudely) from his hands and began to read aloud, voice trembling as her eyes frantically scanned the passage,
"As your instructor I regret to inform you that as of this moment you have received an-" her voice squeaked out of her neck with difficulty "-incomplete for your Test of Terrible Ominousness for Ozmology. Unless you make an attempt to reconcile this status in the form of a conference with your Headmistress (and, we recommend, much groveling and self-degradation) you will instead be receiving a grade 'F' (that means 'failure', if your too much of a bimbo to ascertain that much) not only for this examination but also as your final semester grade. This, in turn, puts yours entire diploma at Shiz into mortal dang-" at this point, Elphaba's hyperventilation overwhelmed her, and she could no longer coax her vocal cords to move in the proper manner. Clutching her neck, she allowed the paper to waft to the floor and began to curl up into what could only be called a standing version of the fetal position, if such a thing were possible.
"Oh-my-Oz," she panted with difficulty. "I am going to die. T-that's it, it's over. I've got no future. I'll be stuck laying BRICKS forever, while simultaneously polishing Nessa's BOOTS because that's all I'm good for, oddity big sister, spazztastic beanstalk without and education muttering about lettuce prices in the street when I have free time which I won't have because I'll be working minimum wage at the docks and when I get off I still won't have enough money so I'll go into the streets and beg for alms like a lunatic while kicking little terriers out of bitterness for no apparent reason other than the fact that I WAS EATEN ALIVE BY THE EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM AND REGURGITATED OUT LIKE A MOLDY BRUSSEL SPROUT!!!!!!"
Fiyero watched this little display with little interest, briefly wondering whether or not he'd underestimated the amount of Spice she'd inhaled. Nessarose, however, must have made good on her word to wait by the door, for once "Fabala" had gotten to the CAPS LOCK OF PANIC she's opened the door again and quickly rushed to her side.
"Bala?" she pressed tentatively. "Fabala, breath."
"I-am-" she panted.
"Okay," Nessa said soothingly, "but try it through your nose now."
As Elphaba tried to follow this advice, with little success, Fiyero rolled his princely eyes and muttered, "Oz, melodramatic much?"
Elphie, in addition to being as spastic as one at the present moment, must have also have bat hearing, as she jerked up her head and demanded (with quite a lot of aggression, for someone having a panic attack), "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THIS COMPLETELY UNRAVELS MY ENTIRE FU-"
"Do you understand how conceited you are?" Fiyero asked sweetly.
Both girls gaped at him. "How- am-I-" the green girl was back to stammering "conceited when my whole future just shriveled up and DIED?"
"Because, duckie," Fiyero replied, in the same honey coated voice. "If you weren't so caught up in yourself, you might have remembered that while the envelope is addressed to Miss. Thropp, you are not the only Miss Thropp on campus, now are you?"
Elphaba's mouth fell open.
An irritated look on his face, Fiyero bent down and shoved the letter under her green nose. "You were so distracted by the surface appearance you didn't even bother to consider their might be something different on the inside, that would never hurt you."
Okay, so the metaphor for her attitude towards him was a little sketchy. But the way Elphie's eyes bugged out of her head when she saw the name Nessarose F. Thropp scribbled inside the warning notice was certainly satisfying.
Nessa wretched the paper out of his hands. "Oh…my…Oz…" she breathed. "I know I fell asleep-" Fiyero remembered seeing the instructor wheeling her out last while he was still trapped in that infernal closet, and supposed now that was why "-but I could have sworn I finished first, I don't remember I was up too late with B- oh, my OZ!!!" She grabbed the rims of her wheels and flew out as fast as possible, turning in the doorframe in the direction of Morrible's office.
This, of course, left Fiyero and Elphaba alone.
Together.
Which is an oxymoron, but we're ignoring that, for the sake of romance.
Slowly, Elphaba shook her head, like a dog that's got water in its ears- which is an appropriate metaphor animal for her gender, given the way she had been acting recently. "Wait…" she drawled, "Y-you told me I was wrong."
"Funnily enough, you are capable of being wrong, you know," Fiyero commented dryly.
"No, I mean-" she took a step closer (Fiyero physically tensed, but in spite of himself he felt something twinge at his chest) "You told me I was wrong. You could have had your revenge at the expense of my fear, and spite me further by ruining my sister's chance at an education. But you didn't. Even after I treated you like the dirt beneath my feet."
"Contrary to your rather poor foreshadowing skills, I am not the heartless one around here," Fiyero informed her stiffly.
Probably he would have gone on more, about how why couldn't she just listen to him, why did she have to be so self righteous all the time, what had he done to betray her trust so much she refused to be in the same room with him willfully, but at the present moment Elphaba basically- to use a crude term- "glomped" him, flinging herself onto his neck and all but shoving her tongue down his throat.
Electricity shot through him like a clap of lightening, sizzling through his veins as though he had caught fire. His hand curved naturally around her waist, almost reflexively, and it wasn't until what seemed an eternity later he resurfaced for air and said dazedly, "You know, some people would just say thank you."
Elphaba bit her lip, though, not pulling back from his embrace but visibly worried none the less. "But, Yero," she whispered, "What about Galinda?"
Fiyero closed his eyes. Galinda didn't matter right now. All that mattered was that finally, FINALLY, someone had quoxing called him Yero.
Plus, at that particular moment, both Galinda and Willharry burst into the room into the room, the latter with his shirt completely unbuttoned, the former with her pink sundress slightly askew but none the less intact as they stumbled together, lips firmly closed around each other's.
Fiyero wished he could of at least tired to act a little offended, or maybe just a tad surprised, but nonetheless his initial reaction was, in fact, YES! SHE DIDN'T LET HIM GET PAST FIRST BASE EITHER!! ROCK ON!!!
"FIYERO!" Galinda gasped, making a noise not unlike a suction cup as she finally detached her face from Will's. "Oh- Oh Oz- Will said you'd be back to your dorm by now-"
"Sorry, Glinda," Will mumbled, gazing at her with surprisingly sincere admiration.
"It's Galinda," Elphaba interjected frostily.
"But I'll change it, if you want me to," Ga/Glinda said dreamily, clearly wrapped up in the Elder Prince's magically Puppy Eyes of Cuteness.
"Okay, well, clearly you're cheating on me with my much hotter brother, and I can see I can't make you happy anymore, so if you'll just leave me to grieve in your suite with your roommate to comfort me, everything will be peachy keen," Fiyero said with uber subtly.
That, of course, the newly christened Glinda, didn't pick up on. "I'm so sorry, Fifi," she said tearfully, "I'll truly treasure the time we spent together-"
"Glinda-" Elphaba tried to interject.
"I really never meant for this to happen this way, it's so unfair to you-"
"Glinda-" Elphaba tried again.
"I can't believe I'd ever conduct myself in such a manner, but look at him he's just so cute-"
"GLINDA!" Elphaba roared.
The little blonde jumped. "Yes, Elphie?" she questioned.
Elphaba grabbed Yero by the face and mashed her lips against his aggressively. A second later she let go, wiped her mouth of with her hand, and demanded, "Get it?"
Glinda blinked. "Oh," she said faintly. "Okay. Got it."
"Good," Elphaba confirmed
"Got your dorm key?" Will asked his brother.
He tossed it to him
"Bye," he said simply, and then grabbed Glinda out the arm and hurried off to that direction.
Fiyero turned towards his beloved. "Can we make out some more now?" he wanted to know.
Elphaba smiled crookedly. "Now, really, Yero," she said amusedly. "You act as if you've been pining for years- this whole thing's only gone on for about three days.
"I know," he said, pouting, "But for some reason it feels like we've been waiting for this moment for nearly six months."
Elphaba shrugged, then leaned in again, breathing softly on his face for a moment before leaning in, pursing her lips and then-
-letting out a small cry of pain.
"Sorry," Fiyero muttered, embarrassed, "Stupid chain." He fumbled with a linked necklace that dangled all the way down past his shirt tails, which had fallen out of his collar while leaning forward for the lip lock and consequently gotten tangled into Elphie's hair.
"What's that?" she asked, indicating the dingy charm hanging off of the necklace as she winced.
"Some crappy old ring," he muttered, still focused on untangling the curl, "my Mother gave it to me when I was born."
Elphaba inspected it as Yero continued to negotiate with her hair. After chipping at the dirt with her thumbnail for a few minutes (the lock had really gotten tangled) she managed to flake off some of the mildew and glimpse the shimmering color of the gemstone beneath. A vivid color, so green it nearly matched her own skin, but there appeared to be a flaw in the center of the stone.
Curious now, Elphie continued chipping, and a few moments later was able to see that it wasn't a flaw at all, but rather an inscription:
The letter 'B'.
"What is said to have been the most beautiful emerald in all of Oz, set on a solid gold band. It was an engagement ring."
Elphaba sucked in her breath.
"Yero," she said shrilly, "Yero, where did you say you got this?"
"It's a family heirloom, one of my relatives found it in an attic up in Quox and gave it to my mother," he replied, tilting his head at her. "Elphaba, are you alright? You look…peculiar."
"Cervello Arcel, third in line for the current throne of the Vinkus-"
"she supposedly stole away when know one was looking and fled to Quox along with Arcel, living- as the naïve might put it- happily ever after."
"Likelihood of five percent my hide," Elphaba whispered feverently, "They did it, by Oz, they escaped!!! "
"Um, Elphaba?" Fiyero was beginning to wonder whether she was still stoned after all. "What are you saying?"
But a second later he didn't care, for Elphaba Margaret Thropp ended up giving him an impassioned kiss, causing both of their thoughts to fade away as though darkness where any remembrance of past suitors fell away into nothingness.
At a later date, Fiyero supposed as he slipped his fingers through the black satin that was her hair, he ought to correct Willharry. Despite his saying otherwise, obviously man jewelry really did turn chicks on.
END
…There will be an epilogue. No one remembers the Elphaba Margaret thing from Chapter 2, I'm guessing. Did I do good?