So I 've had this done for 3 or 4 days BUT I was waiting on a response from the girl that used to check over my chapters to see if she would read over this and make sure it's nothing but fantastic for all of you but, I got tired of waiting! So here you go!
I decided to try a DPOV but I don't know if it turned out ok or not. Let me know!
Dpov:
As we got to the car I opened the door for her then got in myself. I know she probably didn't want to talk about her past but there was something that had been nagging at me since she showed up in the studio. When I left her plan had been to go to the University of Tennessee for softball and dance.
"What happened to Tennessee?" I asked finally. Oh well, at least it will get her mind off of worrying about Mason for a little bit.
"What are you talking about?" she asked pretending like she didn't know what I was talking about.
"You know what I mean. Softball, Dance, scholarship," I replied referring to the fact that Tennessee had pretty much told her they'd give her a full athletic scholarship.
"I quit softball." She said bluntly.
"Why you loved it?" I asked astounded. She had always loved it. She'd been playing since we were tiny and she watched the softball college world series. Mama later persuaded Janine to let her play the next season saying she would take her to the practices and games for her.
"Things change." She said like it wasn't something she had been planning since she was 7.
"Was this another because I left kind of thing?" I asked hoping not. Honestly I wouldn't think that she would let me leaving stop her but I don't know what else it could be.
"God Could you be more self-centered sometimes? No it would have happened whether you were there or not. You could say it was a cruel twist of fate/ car accident kind of thing. If you believe in fate," she said pissed off. How bad was this car accident? I know she said she had to go to memorial but injuries heal. She may have had to miss a season but she could have gone back. I don't see anything wrong now so I don't think she got any permanent injuries….
"One car accident ruined your softball career?"
"Yes and no. Things happened, I told the coaches I was done, I ended up getting better before the end of the season but I opted to stay away from softball and dance after that." Things happened? What things?
"Why?"
"My heart just wasn't in it anymore," she said. That couldn't be true. Whatever made her quit had to have been really bad to make her give up on her dream. She was definitely not telling me everything, not that I can blame her. It's not like I've told her my life since I left Georgia.
"I don't understand what could have changed so much that you would quit something you had been striving for, for years. You were playing on 3 teams at once and it still wasn't too much for you!" I said curious as to what happened. I know it's none of my business but it doesn't stop me from wondering.
"What can I say? Things happen. Life gets in the way and can make you change your hopes and dreams. Can we not talk about this anymore?" she said. I knew that was all she was going to divulge on that subject. She then hooked up her iPhone and started playing music. I smiled when I heard it start to play one of my songs. She still likes my music.
"Sorry. Pandora." She lied. I pretended to believe her. A song by Avril Lavigne came on but honestly I wasn't paying much attention to it. I was still thinking about the fact she was listening to one of my songs and the story behind that song. I caught something about drunken arms, she said something about giving someone what they like. Hmm…sounds…sexy, seductive.
"This song's kind of slutty if you think about it," I said making conversation hearing something about her giving him a chance to hold her for a cigarette. Well I've done worse.
"I think it's beautiful." She said as I pulled onto a side road.
"Really? "Give me what I want and I'll give you what you like'? how is that not slutty?"
"She's using sex as if it's a form of love. She's saying just tell me you love me and I'll sleep with you. You wouldn't understand because you were never in her situation"
"Oh and you have been?" I asked genuinely curious. Since when was she like that?
"In a way. I've used sex in a similar fashion. Not with anybody I truly loved. I don't really believe true love exists." I never expected her to stay single or not move on but I'm not going to lie it hurts to hear she slept with someone else, maybe even more than one someone else. I'm not one to talk but, it still hurts to hear. As bad as that hurt it hurt even more to hear that she's given up on love. Was it because of me? I know better than to ask but I still can wonder. She used to be the biggest romantic. She believed that there really was someone for everyone. She never was like those girls in the romance movies, she was more realistic but, she always believed in love. So I ask again what happened?
"Since when?" I asked trying to get as much info as I could.
"March 18, 4 years ago. I realized romantic love doesn't exist and never did. Just infatuation." She stated matter-of-factly. Well that's specific. That's almost a year after I left so, it couldn't be something I did could it? We weren't even talking then…or is us not talking what caused those beliefs?
"That's a very bitter thought. Not that I can blame you. I've had some of the same thoughts but it never stuck," I sad honestly. I know love still exists, it just doesn't always conquer all like you see in the movies.
"I'm not bitter. Just honest. If it does exist I've never seen it." She stated. Well, pretty sure that's slap number 3. I always thought what we had was real love, reality just got in the way.
"Shouldn't one of us go see if they have rooms?" she asked changing subjects.
"I'll go you wait here," I told her after a moment of absorbing all this new information. I went in to talk to the concierge. I rang the bell and tried to settle my thoughts. She gave up on college, on her dreams, then stopped believing in love, the self-loathing part of me wants to say it's all because I left but it can't all be because of that, can it?
After talking with the concierge and finally finding a suite I went back out to the car. I found Rose laying back in her seat lost in thoughts while the music played in the background.
"They're surprisingly booked. Apparently some huge rapper, they didn't know who. Had a concert here last night and all the hotels around are booked. But I pulled a few strings and got us a suite in a hotel down the road. It has two rooms. We'll work out who's sleeping where later. It's the only place I could find that wasn't forty five minutes away."
As we started driving I heard a song start playing, I quickly realized it was a recording not an actual single so when she went to change it I stopped her.
"No don't I like it. I want to hear it all."
You're high up on the Tower,
Now don't look down,
I will be OK here on the ground,
And you can always call to say hello from time to time,
When you're no longer mine...
I will be drunk on cheap beer,
Like everyone else around here,
You've got the world at your feet,
There's nothing out there for me,
You don't have to lie,
Saying that you'll try to make it work from a distance,
Just leave me here to die as i watch you climb up to the top of your ambitions,
You're high upon the Tower now don't look down,
I will be okay here on the ground,
And you can always call to say hello from time to time,
When you're no longer mine.
Here in a pale shaded life,
Under the trailer park lights,
There'll be nothing left for you to see,
You won't even recognize me.
You don't have to lie,
Saying that you'll try to make it work from a distance,
Just leave me here to die as i watch you climb up to the top of your ambitions,
You're high upon the Tower now don't look down,
I will be okay here on the ground,
And you can always call to say hello from time to time,
When you're no longer mine.
I always knew (I always knew)
that you would follow your big dreams
what I didn't know
was that your dreams, never did include me
(Piano Interlude)
You're high upon the Tower now don't look down,
I will be okay here on the ground,
And you can always call to say hello from time to time,
When you're no longer mine,
When you're no longer mine.
I listened carefully, wondering what this means. She's acted like she hates me for leaving yet this sounds more like she's hurt but it's ok. Does this mean I really had no part in all that's happened since? If so who is to blame? Who or what broke my Roza?
"Will I get called self-centered again if I ask if that was about me?" I joked hoping she wouldn't get mad.
"Not this time but only because it's pretty self-explanatory and not hard to figure it out." She joked back. Well, that's a good sign.
"What I don't get is in this song you sound like you're sad I left but that you expected it and you're ok with it yet you act like you hate me for leaving?" I asked hoping she would say she doesn't hate me at all.
"I don't hate you for leaving. I really want to say I don't hate you at all but a small part of me does honestly. Did it hurt when you broke up with me as you were leaving? Hell yes but I didn't hate you for it."
"Then if you don't hate me for leaving what do you hate me for?" I know she's upset and hurt but I never wanted her to hate me. Then again what did I expect when I quit all communication with her.
"Honestly?" she asked. I nodded knowing I needed to hear it no matter how bad it hurt.
"I hated you for dropping all contact. For not answering when I called, for not being there when I needed you the most. I hated you because when I felt that my world was crumbling and I couldn't go on anymore, a small part of me thought that if only you were there I would be ok. If I had you by my side even just as my friend I could get through. But you never came. You never answered, you never returned my calls or anyone else's. It was like when you left you quit caring about everyone that loved you. That's what I hated. A part still does but the rest of me says you have your reasons and a part of me is glad you weren't there for all that shit. I just wish I could understand." She said honestly which made me curious all over again. I just wanted to ask 'What the hell happened?' but I know I would never get an answer and I couldn't blame her.
"It wasn't like it was easy staying away. Besides you barely called. You called a few times the first month or two and that was it. I answered those calls or texted you back if I missed them. I didn't start ignoring calls from home until Iv…about a year later" I said almost slipping up. Which even my slip up isn't true, I stopped calling and answering before THAT happened. I didn't tell her that there's no telling what state I would have been in if I would have answered, that she didn't need to know. But she had stopped calling after the first month or so.
"Dimitri I called you for months. I called you about 15 times one day. I kept calling until one day a female who I am now guessing was Tasha answered and smarted off to me. If it wasn't easy why did you do it?" she asked. Tasha? Why would she have answered my phone? What did she say that stopped Roza from calling anymore? Why did I never get those calls?
"I never had any missed calls from you but, I can't guarantee I would have called you back if I had seen them. If they were as frequent as you say I probably would have. That's a long story." I said avoiding her question. She didn't need to know about that time. Plus I can't stand the thought of her looking at me in disgust like I know she will if she ever found out. She didn't need to know that I was so messed up, so mad and ashamed of myself I couldn't bear the thought of facing her, even if it was just over the phone.
"How come you can ask me all these questions but when I try to ask you something as simple as why did you abandon me and your family for 5 years, probably longer if I wouldn't have shown up, you shut down? How is that fair?"
"Because it's not a simple question and it's really not something I like to think about." I said wanting her to quit asking. All of the emotions that she's stirred up were starting to get to me. What happened to her? Who did it? My time in LA without her. It was all starting to be too much. I have always been able to hide my emotions and control them. In the last few years I've learned to separate myself from most of my emotions but, a few days with her and that's all crumbling.
"You see me half break down in an alley way over a song, hear me talk about how I quit something that I loved for 15 years, watch me actually breakdown in the hospital and say something like "It's not something I like to think about"! Do you think any of these things were something I liked to think about? No but I still did and I still told you twice as much as you've told me."
"If you've been so honest with me then tell me who exactly Conner is? What were those two songs about last night that you were so vague about? The one that made you flee from the room and the last one? Were they about the same thing? Different things? What?" I asked my curiosity getting the best of me. When she didn't say anything I smarted off back to her. "See not that easy is it?"
"That's different. Conner doesn't directly involve you and I still told you partially about him. The songs are sort of about the same thing. The first one is about one thing where the second one is a little more complicated. It's kind of about 2 things in one but, one thing was the cause of the second. Those don't involve you either. Besides you could have known about both if you hadn't have cut me out of your life. Don't go try turning this around on me. It's your own fault you don't know the answer to any of those questions! It's not my fault I don't know what changed to make you hate us so much and that actually does involve me!"
"IF I HATE YOU SO MUCH THEN WHY AM I IN TEXAS WITH YOU? I'M NOT HERE CAUSE I FANCIED A TRIP!" I yelled finally breaking. All of this was too much for me after the years of shoving my emotions down.
"If you don't want to be here Dimitri then go! JUST FREAKING LEAVE! I'm a big girl I can find my own way home!" She yelled before getting out of the car and running off.
"DAMN IT!" I yelled hitting the steering wheel. Doesn't she realize I've been literally fighting myself? I don't want to get close to her like we were, she doesn't need me and all of my shit. Yet like always I'm drawn to her. Like I have been my whole life. All I want is to help her. Find out who hurt her and make them pay. But I also want to distance myself as much as possible from her. I'm no good for her and she will never understand everything that happened. She'll never get it and thank God she won't. I don't want her to know about that.
Maybe I should use this fight to maintain my distance from her…I don't want to do that to her with everything going on right now but, Viktoria's here. She can be there for her. Plus she doesn't need me and all my baggage dragging her down while she's dealing with this also. Maybe it would be best if I just stayed around to help but, emotionally keep as far away as I can.
With a new determination I got out of the car and headed into the hotel knowing she would need help checking in.
RPOV:
As I walked into the hotel I realized I had no idea what name he used and didn't have a card for them to use so I would need him to check us in. I went to a couch in front of the desk and sat down Listening to music from my iPhone until I saw him walk in. He went straight to the desk and checked us in. He nodded at me and started towards the elevator. As I walked towards him I realized that even though I couldn't tell him everything I could tell him something. I probably have him so confused from the little bits here and there and that isn't fair. I don't want to do to him what he's been doing to me over the last few years and even more the last few days.
When we got into the hotel suite I sat on the couch and thought for a minute or two on what to tell him. I needed to put an end to the questions about Conner so maybe I could tell him a little bit without revealing everything. Enough to put an end to the questions, at least for now.
"I'm not going to magically tell you everything even though a part of me deep down knows that the truth always ends up coming out. I'm just not ready to face that right now. I moved to LA to escape and I had just finally came to terms with everything when I moved out here and now seeing you it brings it all back up and I literally just CAN NOT go through that again right now. ESPECIALLY not with my best friend on life support in a hospital room. What I will tell you is, that last song was about my parents, and all the hurt that led to them kicking me out. Conner…Conner is a long messy story. He was the light to my darkness. I loved him more than anything in the world. Not in the way you're thinking. Anyways he was my everything. It devastated me and that's why I quit softball and skipped college. I was still grieving," I gave it a minute to sink in but before he could ask any questions I spoke up again. "Now I'm going to go take a shower and hopefully get a small nap in before going back to the hospital."
As I walked into the bathroom I wondered if I just made a huge mistake. Yet a very small part of me felt relieved.