AN: Sooooo…..I really do love y'all. I know I haven't shown it but I do. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update but, it's summer again so hopefully I'll keep updating faster. I was doing really good, I did two chapters in like a week! Now I just have to do it again. :) I do have a good reason for not updating but I feel like I keep just giving y'all excuses so I'm just going to say sorry and I promise I'll try to do better! :D

I went to the bathroom and turned the water on letting it heat up. Then I headed towards the counter. I saw a speaker system and plugged my phone in. I just pressed play on the first music I saw not paying attention to what it was. I took my hoodie off then my shirt and paused looking into the mirror. What I saw made my stomach roll. Yet amidst the shallow scars one stood out. It had faded drastically but was still the on that always took my attention. It ran across my lower abdomen right above my pants and was about 5 inches. As the I was running a lone finger over it trying not to get caught up in the emotions, the song that was playing hit me and I almost lost it.

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you every where I go,

But I'm doing it

Hard to force that smile on my face when I see our old friends and I'm alone

Still harder

Getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret

But I know if I could do it over

I would trade, give away, all the words, that I left unspoken

What hurts the most is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

Never knowing what could have been

I stood there for a moment listening and trying not to get consumed by the raw emotion this song brings standing here looking at the results of my past mistakes and regrets. As I stood there a single tear ran down my cheek. I hastily wiped at it as a knock sounded on the door.

"Yea?" I called out sniffling, hoping he didn't just hear that sniffle.

"You left your bag and I figured you'd want it. Everything ok?" Dimitri asked.

"Yea I'm fine. Just put it by the door and I'll grab it when I get in. I'm just about to get in now."

"Ok. Need anything else?"

"No I'm good. Just trying to hurry so I can get back to the hospital." I told him. "Thanks for the bag.

"You're welcome," he said a little hesitant as if he wasn't sure what to do. After a minute or two of silence I assumed he had walked away. I turned away from the mirror and finished undressing for the shower.

As I climbed in the shower the end of the song was playing and I suddenly felt crushed. I curled my legs up to my chest and sat there not caring about the water running over me. It wasn't hitting my face so I didn't care, even if it was I don't think I would have noticed. I sat there for seconds, minute's, hours who knew and just tried to numb myself. I eventually started feeling the water turn cold and came back to reality. Slowly I heard the song in the back round and figured out what it was. I smiled and before I knew it I was chuckilng at the memories this song brought. I stood up and started singing with it.

You thought that I'd be sad without you

I laugh harder

You thought I wouldn't grow without you

Now I'm wiser

Though that I'd be helpless without you

But I'm smarter

You thought that I'd be stressed without you

But I'm chillin'

You thought I wouldn't sell without you

Sold 9 million

I'm a survivor (What?)

I'm not gon give up (What?)

I'm not gon stop (What?)

I'm gon work harder (What?)

I'm a survivor (What?)

I'm gonna make it (What?)

I will survive (What?)

Keep on survivin' (What?)

A few weeks after Dimitri had left I was all down and out so Mason and Vika came over to cheer me up. Dimitri's band had just released their first single. We had a full on pity party we ate ice cream and junk food, and before I knew it we were blasting the radio singing along when "Survivor" by Destiny's child came on. We all got up dancing and singing and ended up giving Mason hell cause he knew more words than we did. He defended himself by saying "What it's a good song!" which made us laugh harder. That was the night I told them everything from Dimitri to my parents to all my hidden secrets. That night with their help I decided that I was going to move on and make the best of things and I would (pun intended) be a survivor no matter what. As happy as hearing this song made me it also crushed me. I have no idea what I will do if Mason doesn't pull out of this.

I pushed those thoughts away and cleared my head. Mason was going to make it and no matter what I will not break down again. I will not be weak and I will not break to Dimitri.

Hopefully.

Dpov:

After Rose got out of the shower she insisted I either go lay down myself or go back to talk to my sister. Knowing there was no way I would get to sleep with my mind running like it was I decided to bite the bullet and go to the hospital.

On the drive back I reflected on everything that's happened today. I was more confused than ever and more conflicted than I have been since I left. After everything that happened I thought my dropping all contact with rose would be the best for her. She didn't need me and my guilt holding her back. I didn't know something would happen that would make her give up on her dreams and crush her. I can see that the lively optimistic rose is gone and I can't help but wonder if I would have stayed maybe she would have been better off. How was I supposed to know that though? At the time I hated myself and hated how I'd become and I thought she deserved so much more. She still does. While the rose I once knew is gone so is the Dimitri she once knew. Though it hurt worse than anything to hear her talking about why she hates me. I don't blame her.

Once I got to the hospital I braced myself for Vika's reaction. I knew she wouldn't be happy and I expected her to be upset but I never expected her to slap me. Hopefully that got it out of her system. Doubt it.

"Did you leave rose?" she immediately asked as I walked in pulling me out into the hallway.

"Yea she wouldn't lay down until I left," I told her confused in her reaction.

"That stubborn bitch," she muttered. I admonished her and she just smirked. "I'm just joking Dimka. We call each other that all the time it's a running joke with us. She has nightmares and obviously didn't want you to see which is why she made you leave. She knew that it would be extra bad with everything going on so she sent you away. C'mon I need to be there when she wakes up and you're coming with me" she said as she walked back into the hospital room.

"I'm gonna go check on rose and Dimitri is taking me to give you some alone time. Will you call me if anything changes?" she asked Mrs. Ashford.

"Yes dear. Tell rose I'm sorry again. I can't believe I snapped at her like that. That poor girls already been through so much she didn't need me to add guilt to it. I feel horrible."

"It's fine Mrs. Ashford. She understands you were upset. Once Mason wakes up she'll be ok again or at least as good as she was. Don't worry about her. But I will tell her again if it makes you feel better. Do you need anything while I'm out?"

"No dear. Just go help rose out. I'll call if anything changes."

"Ok we'll be back soon." She smiled walking out pulling me with her.

"Are you sure I shouldn't stay with her? I don't want her to be alone plus rose didn't want me there." I asked Vika hoping she'd say yes but hoping she'd also say no. As much as I love my sister I was scared to be around her right now because I can't give her the answers she wants. But I also want to spend more time catching up with her and I wanted to check on Rose. I should have known there was was a reason she insisted I should leave. As we got to the car the questioning began. Only not what I was expecting.

"What all has Rose told you?" she said softly sounding slightly worried.

"That wasn't what I was expecting," I said softly, surprised.

"Expecting me to bombard you with questions?" she smirked I nodded. "I'm not stupid. If you haven't told Rose you're definitely not going to tell me. It may be five years later but you and Rose will never change."

"Well thank you for not bombarding me but, you're wrong about Rose and me. It has been five years and she's changed, I've changed. She has her secrets and I have mine. It's definitely not like before." I said softly.

"Keep telling yourself that big brother. You and Rose, you're it for each other. You may not see it now and it's going to take a lot of work on your part but you both will see it again."

"Have you told Rose this theory?" I chuckled not knowing how to respond to that. I didn't want to crush her optimism but I couldn't just agree with her either.

"No. she's delicate. I have to be careful with what I say around her."

"Rose? Delicate?" I laughed but then thought about it. I realized she might not be too far off.

"Rose hasn't had it easy the last five years. She's been torn apart and put together so many times that I don't know how she's still as tough as she is but that's Rose. Which brings me back to my question, what all has she told you?"

"Just bits and pieces. She told me her parents kicked her out on her 18th birthday, she had an abusive boyfriend? She didn't say if they were dating or not,"

"Which one?" she scoffed. My jaw dropped.

"There's been more than one?" I asked astounded. "What the hell?"

"There's more than one type of abuse Dimka. Unfortunately Rose was in a bad way for a while so she allowed things she never would have normally allowed. Fortunately she's better now and too headstrong to let assholes like them back in her life."

"She just told me about one who physically abused her."

"Oh yea. That didn't last long at all. No he wasn't her boyfriend. She moved in with him after her parents kicked her out. Don't tell her I'm telling you all this by the way. I'm only telling you little tid bits. She needs to tell you the important stuff."

"This isn't important?" I asked. We had pulled up to the hotel by now. We both climbed out and headed in. when we got to the elevator she answered.

"It is but it's little compared to the other stuff….that doesn't make sense but I can't explain it right since you have no idea what I'm talking about and I can't tell you," she said sounding frustrated. "Honestly right now you don't deserve to know any more than I'm telling you. You really crushed Rose when you left, you crushed all of us, and if you just would have answered your damn phone a lot of this could have been avoided."

"I had my reasons," I said stiffly.

"Better be some damn good ones," she said angrily. Walking out of the elevator. I stopped outside the door and turned to her.

"Look I know you don't understand why I dropped all contact but at the time I thought it was for the best and honestly I still kind of do. I'm sorry Rose went through all of this but, it kind of proves my point that she was better off because I just would have made things worse. Plus she had Mason and you and Mia and the whole family."

"You just don't get it do you? If you were there all of it could have been prevented. Or at least most of it. She's my best friend but, I'm not enough. We weren't enough. She needed YOU. WE needed you. One day you'll understand." She said before walking through the door. "Where's Rose?"

I pointed to the back room and she walked back there. She came back a minute or two later and sat on the couch.

"Who's Connor?" I asked Viktoria, my curiosity getting the best of me. She looked shocked.

"She told you about Connor?"

"Kind of. She told me Connor was someone she loved a lot and that he died in a car crash that they were in."

"Well that's improvement I hope," she muttered. I gave her a suspicious look. "Nothing. Connor is her story to tell, I can't tell you too much or she'd never forgive me but, it's not what you think. I promise. Actually it's probably the complete opposite of what you think. He died of complications that may or may not have been from the car crash. The doctors said it was too hard to tell if that was why or not. Rose has never forgiven herself or really gotten over it so she doesn't talk about it much."

"Why do I feel like you're leaving a lot out? And why does she blame herself?"

"Because I am. Like I said it's her story to tell." About that time we started hearing noises coming from the back room. Vika jumped up and ran to the back room. When I got to the doorway Rose was thrashing around the bed with tears streaming down her face. Vika jumped on the bed and grabbed Rose, Rose clung to her as she started murmuring soft reassurances to Rose. Rose was sobbing in her sleep but occasionally a few words would slip out.

"Blood…..so much…murderer" as Vika was softly running her hands through Rose's hair whispering to her, her sobs got softer so more words were coming out. "I killed them…my fault….Dimitri…Hate me"

"Dimitri doesn't hate you he never could, and you didn't kill them. Calm down honey. I'm right here. Mason is still alive. He's gonna kick your ass when he wakes up," she laughed softly still trying to calm Rose down. What the hell are her nightmares about? Murder? Who does she think she killed? She said them, not him? And why does she think I hate her? I looked back up at her and she was looking right at me though I couldn't tell if she was still pretty unconscious or if she had started waking up. All I know is the girl in that bed was a broken version of the invincible Roza I used to know. Guilt ate at me and as she closed her eyes again and leaned into Vika, I quietly turned and headed back towards the living room, not bothering to wipe the tear that had started to fall.

RPOV:

I was lying in a bed with Dimitri curled into his side as my hand was on his chin playing with his scruff. He hadn't shaved in a few days because I told him I liked a man with a beard as a joke so he decided to carry it out. He was laughing at something I had said.

"I love you, you know that right?" I asked and he looked down at me seriously and his face turned cold and harsh. Before he stood up.

"Why would I want your love? You're a murderer. You kill everyone you care about."

"No, it was an accident," I defended sitting up shocked.

"Keep telling yourself that. You killed him just like you killed Mason. How can you even look at his mother in the eyes? Stay far away from me, I have Tasha now" he spat before storming out of the room. I jumped up and ran after him but when I opened the door I wasn't in a room anymore I was in a car, I looked up and screamed as I saw a car heading right towards me. I grabbed my stomach and slouched down trying to protect as much as I could. I felt the crash in slow motion, I heard glass shatter and felt it hit me before I felt pain. When I opened my eyes again I was on the ground. There was blood everywhere and all I could feel was pain I screamed for help but nobody could hear me. Nobody was around. I screamed until I blacked out. I opened my eyes again and found myself back in the hospital, I was sitting in a chair beside the bed that Mason was lying in. he opened his eyes and glared at me.

"What are you doing here?" he said angrily. "Come to see your handiwork?"

"Me? I didn't do this?" I asked scared. I didn't even bother wiping the tears that had been falling down. Distantly I felt somebody saying something but I couldn't focus on it. I realized I was dreaming but I couldn't wake up.

"Yes you did. It's your fault I'm here." He spat. "You killed me."

"But you're not dead. You're gonna wake up," I said softly.

"Is that what you think? I was dead the day I met you. You're nothing but a murderer."

"No. NO I'M Not!" I yelled running out of the room. Behind me I could hear a distinctly female voice laughing in the background.

"calm…right here…" I heard a voice saying softly. I opened my eyes and saw Dimitri, my mind jumped straight to him yelling at me. I closed my eyes again hoping it was just the dream continuing. I opened them again and he was gone. I closed my eyes again and tried to focus on calming down. I realized then that someone was holding onto me and I was clinging to them. I looked up and Viktoria was looking down at me.

"Hey there, you better?" she asked softly. I just shook my head as the tears started coming back.

"Did I kill him Vika? Did I kill two people?" I asked softly. Allowing this momentary break down.

"No! They were both accidents and besides Mason isn't dead."

"His brain is swelling, that's not a good sign." I said softly.

"Yea well it will go down. You have to stay hopeful."

"Ok." I said not believing it but not wanting to argue.

"Sorry bout that," I told her softly referring to my nightmare. "I should have known you'd make him bring you back. Oh shit is he here?"

I asked shooting up. I had thought when I saw him earlier it was a reminiscent of my dream but now I'm not so sure.

"yea he's out in the living room." She said cautiously.

"How bad did it get? What did he hear?" I asked panicking.

"Calm down," she said putting a hand on my shoulder. "It didn't get that bad. You were crying as you can probably tell and you talked a little but nothing too revealing. Besides I don't think he could hear you from the living room. This place is pretty big."

"Are you still mad at me?" I asked hesitantly.

"Girl, you know I could never stay mad at you but, were you planning on telling me?" she asked. Even though she was the one that was just comforting me I reached out and pulled her into a hug. She might be tough as nails, after all she's my best friend and Dimitri's sister but deep down she's one of the most sensitive people I know and she won't ever admit it but Dimitri leaving cut her deep.

"You know I would have. It had only been two days and I was trying to protect you. I didn't want to get your hopes up in case he disappeared again. I needed more information. Only the asshole wouldn't tell me anything," I half joked half grumbled. "You need to brace yourself though. He's not the same as he was when he left. I don't know what happened the last five years but he's different now."

"Yea I kind of got that on the ride over here. He'll come around though. I can't wait to tell mama you found him." She said hopeful. But hearing her talk about telling Olena made me think of his remark about me stealing his family. He was right. I did steal his family and now that he's back in the picture I'm going to have to start distancing myself out. I can't do it all at once, it would kill me plus I couldn't do that to them after all they've done for me but, once he's back in their lives I need to leave. I couldn't stand to be around him at holidays, birthdays, Sunday dinners. Plus it wouldn't be fair to him. Plus once he's back they won't need me, they'd actually be better off, not having to take care of me or wonder if I'm having a good day, even though before Dimitri and Mason's accident I've been dealing really well. I had…not moved on, but became more accepting I was happier than I had been in a while but I've had a setback and I don't know how long it will take to bounce back, if ever….

That's settled. I'll stick around for Mason then I'll head back to LA, find another producer, if I can't I'll quit and stick with my job, if I still have it and figure something else out. There plan made. Now to see what's gonna happen with Mason.