"I am just desperate."
Blue met light brown. Smaller hands grabbing harder onto larger hands, revealing how fearful he was feeling. He braced himself for a rejection the one he cared for the most.
-0—0—0—0
It happened again.
He fell real quickly when he saw that brown hair undercut. He was not a stranger to the feelings he is not supposed to feel. It was forbidden by society. Even if he dared to go against society norms, he was not sure he was ready to drag another down because of his feelings. No, he probably loved him so much more that he would not want the other to fall like him. It was the opposite. He rather the person fall in love with another girl and have a normal life while never knowing about his feelings. Just like what he did with Eren.
Falling down like a dead leaf.
-0—0—0—0—0
God was cruel.
He was in the same lecture as the guy he fell for at first sight. He even sat next to him, laughing and joking with his friends. His voice was much more happy and lively than Armin had imagined. That was the day, he found out his crush's name.
Jean.
-0—0—0—0—0
He talked to Marco more now, after numerous occasions where Jean and Eren had started a fight and they both had to stop them. Marco was Jean's best friend and would be normally nearby wherever Jean was. Just like Armin and Eren. Unlike Armin, the freckled boy was kind, endearing and not gay.
But he can't let it show.
He knew that even the kindest person might turn against him if he knew about his orientation. It was so much to gamble on and Armin was going to bring it down to the grave with him.
It was suffocating.
Painful.
Armin smiled and continued chatting with Marco, ignoring his thoughts.
-0—0—0—0
"It's kind of gross how close you are with Eren."
Fear.
"Maybe it's because we were childhood friends?" Armin offered.
It hurts.
"Hmm… But were you close with Mikasa as well?"
Its hurts even more when it's Jean.
"I don't know what you mean by that~" Armin playfully teased Jean. Watching Jean turning bright red was enjoyable but still painful. Knowing about the crush Jean had for Mikasa was great. Jean had a chance of having a normal life unlike him. Yet he felt like crying and dying. Not like he was not already dying inside slowly.
"Yo- you know what I mean!" Jean spluttered.
It's alright.
"I won't know till you tell it to me~" Armin laughed at Jean face.
He was still okay.
"You just want to see me die in embarrassment!" Jean cried out in disbelief. "You are a sadist."
Falling down once more.
"I can tell you that Mikasa do have only eyes for Eren." Armin started after wheezing from the huge laughter fest Jean gave him. "You might want to try someone else." Laughing once more when Jean started his lengthy speech why he can't give up just like this.
No end in sight.
Hiding it all away.
Jean will never know about it.
-0—0—0—0—0
He didn't know how it started.
He only knew the reason why it started.
Running away seemed to be the only thing he knew now. He didn't know how it came from hiding his feelings to hiding from Jean. But feelings are like a wild dog, running and attacking at wrong moments. Not caring about rationality and common sense. It overflowed and threatened to fall out. And it was the last thing that he would rather happen.
The ocean was a new place he found. Around 50 minutes from his place and longer from his school. He always loved the ocean and had wanted to go there one day since young. It was during the dazed walk he often did when skipping school. He did not want to worry his grandfather and went for self study at the library. However, once Mikasa and Eren knew about him heading there instead of going to school, they decided to join in. As Mikasa was there, Jean started to follow them and found Armin. It defeated the whole purpose on why Armin was going there in the first place.
He closed his eyes, breathing in the sea air. Feeling the wind in his hair, Armin felt a little comforted. There was a few older folks walking around for fresh air and since it was mainly rocks around the area, the ocean was unpopular with the younger people. He felt free. Sea crashing in to see who was around, accompanied with the wind, checking up on people and maybe lifting some skirts up. The seagulls that were here for a free meal and the sirens from the boats warning other boats that it was leaving, it felt so calming.
Unlike the feeling he always felt.
Falling.
Suffocating.
Drowning inside.
For now it was alright.
-0—0—0—0
Mikasa found out first. She was worried and demanded a reason from him. He knew he couldn't hide it from her no more and told her everything. He trusted Mikasa would not spread this even if she hated his guts after the truth. What he did not expect was Mikasa hugging him after.
"It is not something you should be ashamed of."
With that sentence, Armin started to cry, bawling even. Mikasa responded by holding him tighter, fearing that he would go off somewhere and disappear. She did care deeply for Armin even if she did not show it. Even if she did not understand why and what Armin was experiencing, she knew that Armin was struggling.
Maybe it was still alright.
He could still go on.
Maybe he could ignore that throbbing pain.
-0—0—0—0
Marco was next.
He caught Armin at his house gate when Armin was going to the ocean, pretending to head to school. There was no escape. Even if Marco looked non-athletic, he could run faster than Armin. There was not much of a choice.
"You like Jean, don't you?" Armin stared at Marco like a gaping fish. Could not believe what came out of Marco mouth. Horror was what was written on his face. Marco could only smile and laugh softly.
"It was my gut feeling. But my guts usually aren't wrong." Armin could not react. He was sure his body language would have given everything away to Marco.
"I am not judging. I just wished that you would have trusted me a little more."
This time, there was no crying, only a sorry and an invite to go out with Marco that day.
He felt he didn't drown that day.
-0—0—0—0
Fate was not kind.
It was kind of an asshole.
"Hey, you are avoiding me aren't you?"
Brown meeting blue once more. Armin's head was tilted back while Jean was standing over him. It was so shocking it felt like the world stopped for a few seconds. The blond was not sure if he was having a delusion or not. Maybe he could just stare and admire it if it was a delusion.
"Hello? You can't be sleeping with your eyes open." Armin jumped up and forehead smashed Jean. This resulted in both of them writhing in pain for a few minutes.
"Why are you here?!" Armin was barely thinking due to the extreme pain he was in.
"Why else would I be here? Of course for the lazy student that skips class everyday!" Jean shouted out the reply. Also bearing the intense pain that was also due to that lazy student. "Marco was worried about you!"
Oh.
Now it made sense. Marco was the one.
He didn't know what he was expecting when Jean replied him. Of course he wasn't all the important for Jean. Mikasa was his top priority as well as Marco. That pervert that prefers names that starts with M. Now Armin felt like crying.
"And it's not the same without you!"
Armin stopped and slowly turned around to Jean. Jean huffed while staring at him. His forehead now sporting a bright red mark caused by Armin.
"I don't know what you are thinking, but why would you go so out of the way to avoid me?" Jean seemed a little frustrated and walked towards Armin. "I would not understand if you do not tell me. I am kind of dense. If your smartass brain realizes that."
Jean's hand was out trying to help him up. They feel like the thread to happiness. The thread of relief. But at the same time, felt like they would break any moment.
Too high a gamble to risk.
Armin was too much of a coward to risk it.
But it felt so suffocating.
So painful if he does not.
So wrong lying to him, when Jean does not deserve it.
That's why Armin doesn't want to.
Maybe the light won't go out yet.
Take a leap. And maybe it won't be so bad after all.
Smaller, paler hands held Jean's hands. But it felt like a cry for help so much that Jean did not know what to do. Blue stared at lighter brown.
"It was out of a desperate means."
All of Armin thoughts and instincts screamed not to. But that one small part of Armin said the truth. If he didn't, he would break. The pain would not go away. He would have to live with the suffering. He had to. Jean did not ask to be lied to. It was not fair to Jean, he didn't deserve this. Part of him also cried out for the help he wanted and craved.
"I was scared."
Jean was paying full attention to Armin. He knew from his gut instinct that he had to. He felt that Armin was screaming out for help now. Even if he was not explicitly saying out loud.
"I was desperate."
"Because I love you."
-000000000-
I hated the previous story so much so I am going to write a new one. Despite having no inspiration, I am going to cry in one corner now. Its still kind of sad I guess. I tried. I don't think I will continue this as a multi chapter so yea.
Review and Favourite if you enjoyed this.