I have returned! I didn't allow myself to write while I had to study, take exams and still had some things to finish at my internship. Now, I passed all my exams with beautiful grades, I'm almost done with my internship (and got an amazing grade fort hat too) so I started writing again two weeks ago.
I hadn't started yet but I was full of ideas. This chapter took me almost three weeks to write, so you're better all enjoying the shit out of it!
I'm still not completely content with my English, grammar, and vocabularly but I'm working on it. For now you'll have to deal with my crappy English, I just hope the message of my fanfic comes across.

Also I fear I might have crossed the lines sometimes— it makes me kind of anxious to publish it, maybe I should change it? But I always like to stick to my original ideas. So I hope people aren't taking it badly, if so, I'll change it. I'm not approving any of the bad things that happen to the both of them, I'm not putting it down as "hot", I just want to raise awareness that in some situations these extreme things happen.

Alright, moving on.

Thank you so much for your supporting reviews, I'm doing my best to write as much as possible and I hope you'll be content with how it turned out. I considered splitting the chapter, but where's the fun in that? I hope your eyes burn while reading it on your screens. Okay not really. Perhaps.

I love you all and thank you, I hope to read your opinions in the reviews!

Fudou is leaning against the wall of an old building, he has been waiting here for over twenty minutes for his appointment. He searches for a crumpled piece of paper in the pocket of his hoodie to check the address again. He puts it back with a sigh, the address and time is correct. He decides to smoke one cigarette and then leave, he waited long enough here. He'll definitely get in trouble with his boss, but it's not his fault if a customer doesn't show up. He doesn't want to waste his evening on a junkie who can't remember their appointment, and leaves Fudou waiting in the pouring rain. Maybe he's somewhere in the gutter, dead, with a needle in his arm, who knows? Good for him, stupid crackhead.

He smoked half of his cigarette when he hears footsteps. Fudou squints his eyes to see who's approaching him in the faint light. A boy of his age, a uniform from some fancy university, and neat shoes. The only thing that's off is the boy's dreadlocks.

Hold up, dreads?

"Fuck." Fudou turns away from the boy and starts to leave. Not here, not now, not him. He can still walk away now, pretend he didn't recognise him. It's not too late yet. He managed to avoid him for a pretty long time, why does he have to show up again?

"Fudou?"

Too late, now he can't pretend that he didn't see him too. Kidou recognised him already. He faces him, pushes his cigarette to the corner of his mouth and grins widely. "Yo, it's been a while."

"A while?" Kidou repeats. "It's been two and a half year since the last time I saw you. Where have you been?"

Fudou grins sheepishly as he rubs his nape. "That long? Sorry mate, don't have any one those fancy watches to keep track of the time. It was nice to see you again, but if you'd excuse me now, I have an appointment with someone and they could arrive any minute. Trust me, you don't want to be seen with me."

"Ah yes, an appointment, of course." Fudou is relieved, at least for a moment. He thought Kidou understood, but instead he keeps standing there underneath his umbrella. Of course he has one. "Eight pm and five milligrams, was it? I'm sorry that I am this late, I am not quite familiar with this neighbourhood." Fudou's staring at his friend in disbelief, taking in slowly what the other just said. The guy he made an appointment with to sell drugs to..."It was you?"

"Yes, aside from my study I did some research about your whereabouts. It took me some time, but eventually I got in touch with the right people, and through the grapevine I managed to make an appointment with you." Fudou shakes his head; Kidou is almost unable to hide his smile of triumph. Apparently it took him a lot of effort to find him, why would he go through all this trouble for someone like him? Unlike Fudou, Kidou looks good, better than before even. The few dreads he still has are tied up like he used to have in Junior High; the rest of his wavy hair almost reaches his shoulders. He's still wearing regular glasses, fortunately, it looks good on him. His crimson eyes are glistening in the faint light. His shoulders are broader, he must have had a growth spurt, he's a lot taller than Fudou is now. There's not much left of Fudou, he's thin and fragile. He stopped shaving and he has a full head of wild and unwashed hair full of knots. He snorts and averts his gaze from his old friend. "That you had the time for that."

Fudou is unable to suppress a shiver when the rain is starting to come down harder, and a cold wind is blowing through Fudou's worn jacket. He's not dressed for this weather. "You should come with me. Put on some dry clothes."

"Yeah, no way. I ain't coming with you. I am nineteen and I can take care of myself. Thank you very much. I don't need your shelter, or your stupid umbrella. I don't need anything from you."

Kidou is quiet for a moment but then nods at his friend. "Alright, well, it was good to see you again, Fudou." Kidou turns away, he's walking away slowly. Too slow. Fudou is watching him as he goes, he can walk as fast or as slow as he wants, there's no way that he's going to follow him. He should leave too; he's already late because of his friend's stupid action. He should report to his boss why he's so late. Then, he realises something. "Oi," He calls after his friend's back. "My money!"

"I thought you said you didn't need anything from me?"

"Bloody hell," Fudou mumbles to himself and chases after his friend, who didn't even bother to turn around. That spoiled brat always gets what he wants.

When they arrive at Kidou's apartment the university students gets a better look on his best friend's condition. He's emaciated underneath those baggy clothes. Kidou assumes that the main reason why he's wearing those because they do not sell anything smaller in his size. Maybe if he'd want some properly fitting clothes, he'd have to look at the children section, but there's no way that Fudou would go through that humiliation, and if Kidou would point it out; he can expect a hard punch in his face, if he's lucky.

"Change your clothes first, then we'll talk." Kidou gestures that Fudou has to follow him to his bedroom. He carefully picked some warmer clothes to replace the dirty and sodden clothing Fudou was wearing. When he wants to leave the room to put Fudou's old clothes in the laundry he takes one last glance at his friend. He's worse off than he thought. His body is covered with bruises and scares, even more than the last time he treated him after a fight. Not surprising of course, two years have passed since the last time they saw each other. Kidou sighs as he closes the door behind him; it's good that he found him on time.

A little while later the both of them are sitting on the sofa together, Kidou made something to eat and Fudou is greedily devouring his meal. "Where have you been all this time?"

"Various places."

"For two years?"

"Yeah, for two bloody years Kidou. What else you wanna know?"

"You could start with the truth?" Kidou nips from his coffee; the warmth of the hot liquid is welcoming after spending over an hour looking for Fudou in the rain. "It doesn't have to be a detailed essay, just how did you end up like this? You suddenly vanished for two years and now I find you dealing on the streets. Are you using too?"

"For someone who said that he didn't need a detailed version you're asking a hell lot of questions. You're like a journalist. What is it that you're studying anyway?"

They are both aware that Fudou is avoiding Kidou's questions on purpose. Kidou knows that it will have to be a fair trade if he wants his friend to open up. If he wants an answer, he'll have to share first.

"Business management."

"Following your father, eh? Suppose you did quit soccer after all."

Kidou furrows his eyebrows. "I had no choice." He says slowly while putting the coffee cup down on the table in front of them. "Bullshit, Kidou." Fudou clicks with his tongue. "You told me that there's always a choice."

"The decision wasn't mine to make." Kidou's voice is sharp. "And I don't think you are in the position to tell me what is right or wrong considering what you have been up to. Dealing drugs, you look like you haven't had proper rest or food in months and you tell me about that I have a choice?"

Fudou remains silent. He can find over a hundred arguments, trying to overrule Kidou but they both know that it's a lost cause. Kidou is right, they can discuss this endlessly but ultimately Fudou will have to tell what happened when he left two years ago. He sighs deeply and throws his head in his neck. "It was really stupid, you know. The reason why I got arrested."

"So that's where you've been?"

"Yeah," he says between bites. "ran into some friends on my way home after our last meet up. We got drunk together, it was real fun." Kidou quirks a brow. "Until we got into a fight with some other gang. Telling us we were walking on their property. Usually we all respect those borders y'know. I wouldn't like them to walk on mine either but fuck it, we were so drunk." Fudou leans forward, his elbows resting on his knees and his gaze focussed on the glasses on the table. Now it's Kidou's turn to be silent, it seems like Fudou has trouble explaining the situation. It makes him wonder why; since it doesn't sound that different from the gang fights he had two years ago. Fudou takes a deep breath and scoffs. "I just couldn't keep my fucking mouth shut. Beat the crap outta their leader. Of course, me fighting was a sign for my gang to join in, and his too. It was a huge fight. Police came and shit. They broke the fight and arrested us all. While being escorted in a bus to the station the youngest one, he was around the age of thirteen or so, broke out in tears." Fudou smiles suddenly. "I got a soft spot for that one. Ran away from home when he was twelve and got involved with the wrong people. I saved him and he followed me 'round since. He's like a little brother to me, you know? Anyhow, in spite of worrying 'bout my own shit I tried to comfort him and we made up a story so he'd be safe. We all got interrogated and as the leader, I took everything on me. Heck, it had been my mistake. But since I had been drinking while still being underage and I beat the crap outta someone I was facing a high penance. Since I couldn't afford that they put me away for a couple of months instead, some youth prison, and that's it. That's the whole story. Couldn't contact you, and didn't know your phone number so couldn't call from in there. Thought you'd be better off without me anyway, so yeah, I never contacted you either when I got out."

Kidou had been listening in silence to Fudou's story. Something about it isn't right, but he can't figure out what's off. Fudou isn't completely honest, but he must have a good reason for it to hide it from him now. Maybe he's trying to protect someone. "And that youngest one, how is he doing?"

A wide grin forms on Fudou's face. "Cops called his parents; they were real mad but also relieved he was safe. They even came to thank me for taking such good care of him. I visited him twice since I got out. He's doing fine, living with his parents and actually listening to what they say. I'm real proud of him."

"Yet you kept living on the streets, even after seeing that it's still possible to have a good life? What about your mother?"

Fudou stiffens. They have been over this. Fudou had forbidden Kidou to talk about his mother. What he is doing is his business. "It's late, I should be going."
Kidou acknowledges his mistakes and holds Fudou's sleeve. "Please stay here, I have enough space!" He realises that it might have been a little too desperate and immediately releases him. "Just for tonight? Tomorrow I'll have your clothes ready too." Fudou is hesitating, but agrees either way. "Just for the night, you've done enough for me already." Kidou nods, not quite reassured, but it's a start. Tomorrow he can still try to persuade Fudou to stay, hopefully.

But the following morning Kidou wakes up in an empty house. His clothes are neatly folded on the table with a thank you note, and Fudou is gone. Absconded again. Kidou decided not to look for him this time, he knows where he lives now and he can always come by to visit. Yet he can't help it that he still looks around as he is heading towards the university, hoping to see Fudou. He didn't need to look out for long however, a week later there's a figure at this doorstep. A cap pulled over his head and hands deeply shoved in the pockets of the oversized vest. He wanted to stay over for one night. That one night became a few nights. Sometimes he's there, more often he's not. Kidou goes to school, and Fudou is managing his own business, but at the end of the day they both return to the same place. They talk, laugh and drink, but never talk about what is going on in their lives.

Fudou extinguishes his cigarette in the ashtray Kidou placed in front of his door. With Fudou being around more often than not these days, and his strict policy of not smoking inside his apartment he came with this solution. Fudou can smoke outside; Kidou doesn't have to complain about the smell, so they are both content with it. When Fudou enters the living he finds Kidou with a glass of wine. He's been doing that a lot lately. His father often takes him to one of those wine tasting events, and Kidou got the hang of it now. Sometimes, a little too much, if you'd ask Fudou. But he knows he's not in the position to question Kidou, yet as a friend, he can make mocking remarks. "If you continue drinking like this, I might assume that you have an alcohol problem." He snickers.

"I do not have a problem." He states, yet he quickly puts the glass down. He sits back on the sofa and looks up at this roommate, if that would be the proper term for it. "I wouldn't have to drink this much if you would not give me reasons to worry about you."

"Whatcha talking about now?" Fudou tosses his jacket over one of the chairs. "I'm fine, there ain't nothing going on."

"Then what is this?" Kidou holds a tiny bag between his fingers, stuffed with green weed. Fudou purses his lips, usually he's not very easy to read, he has a well trained pokerface. But right now the shame and guilt are written all over his face. "I'm trying to kick the habit. I hid it so I couldn't—"

"Do you think I'm buying this load of rubbish?" Kidou rises from his sitting position and approaches the smaller brunette. "Are you dealing again, is that why you disappear all the time?" Fudou's first reaction would be grabbing Kidou by his throat, but he wouldn't want to hurt his friend so instead he balls his fists and keeps his gaze on the ground. "Alright, then, if what you say is true, for how long have you been clean?"

Fudou shifts awkwardly and shrugs then. "Just today."

Kidou exhales deeply while rubbing over his temples with his fingers. At least he's being honest, and that's what counts, right? "Let's make a deal. I will help you with getting over this stuff, and in exchange you can stay here without paying any rent."

"But I'm not—"

"I'll make you if you use again. Until then, I'm keeping hold of this for you."

Kidou gets awakened as result of a rumbling sounds. When he switches on the lamp on his nightstand he's able to see Fudou's figure in the middle of his room. His credenza is pulled open and the once tidy floor is littered with socks, underwear and shirts, that had previously been located, neatly folded in one of the drawers. "You won't find it in there." He remarks drowsily, whereupon he pushes himself up on his elbows. "Did you seriously think that I'd put it somewhere within your reach, or are you this desperate that you'd just had to try?" Fudou does not reply. When Kidou puts his glasses on his nose he's able to see his friend's condition. He is deathly pale, clammy with sweat, and his eyes are anxiously scanning Kidou's bedroom. It doesn't appear that he heard any word of what Kidou just said. He exhales a sigh and rises from the bed. On his way he picks up some socks and boxer shorts, until he finds the right pair. Out of a pair of folded socks he gets a small key. "You were so close. I should be more careful next time." He mutters to himself. From a shoebox, which was placed on the bottom of his closet, along with some other old stuff, he receives a casket. Kidou sits down on the edge of his own bed as he unlocks it. "You don't have to panic, it's still here. I just hoped you'd last a little longer until you'd wreak havoc in my room." Fudou is standing as if he's frozen on his place, his eyes fixated on the tiny bag between Kidou's fingers. "Gimme that." Fudou's tongue brushes impatiently over his dry lips. "I don't want to hurt you, Kidou-kun, so please. Do what is best for the both of us." His eyes are gleaming perilously.

"I am going to make an arrangement with you. I am letting you ask me three times to give you your drugs back. The third time I will, but I hope you will be stronger than that."

"So," he starts hesitantly. "all I have to do is ask twice now and you'll give it back, just like that?"

"You want to be clean, do you not?"

The look in Fudou's eyes changes and he's finally able to avert his gaze from what he's craving for. He shrugs his shoulders indifferently. There's a silence between the two boys. "Would you like to sleep here for the night?" This time Fudou's eyes lift so Kidou can see them again. "I'll put the weed on a different, and maybe safer spot now. Are you sure?" Fudou nods briefly and slowly crosses the room to join Kidou on the bed. He stores away the casket and leaves the room to find a new place to hide this dangerous stuff from his best friend's light-fingered hands. When he returns to his room he finds Fudou in his bed, his eyes intensively studying the ceiling above him. It is in all probability a way to distract himself from what Kidou was doing in the other room, and not be tempted to follow him. He already feels a little proud of his best friend. He has the will to persevere, and Kidou is certain that he has the strength to kick the habit. He crawls into bed beside him. "Goodnight."

After almost listening to Fudou's twisting, turning, moaning and heavy sighing, Kidou has had enough. He turns on his side to face the brunette. In the little light that brightens up the room he can clearly see Fudou's green eyes. Wide open, staring directly back at him. "Can't sleep?" He asks when he finds his voice again. Fudou shakes his head without breaking eye contact. Not because he's uncomfortable, but out of pure curiosity, Kidou's eyes slide down to see what's visible from Fudou's exposed chest. As in a trance Kidou lifts his arm and touches one of the scars. Fudou stiffens; he is tense and taken aback by Kidou's gentle touch. Kidou wonders how long it's been since Fudou has been caressed this affectionately. By his mother, putative partners. His finger follows the line of an old-looking scar. Fudou is unresponsive; it's just his chest moving when he arduously inhales. Slowly, scar after scar, Kidou's fingers caress their way down. The lower he gets, the more difficult Fudou seems to breathe. It reminds him of the time he sat beside his bed as Kidou had another one of his nightmares during the FFI. Fudou had then stroked his hair to reassure him. Kidou brings his hand back up and rest it on Fudou's head. He caresses his rough hairs that still are filled with the hair gel he put in it this morning to get his 'badass' look. Fudou seems surprised, but still says nothing. His breathing is much calmer, however. "Close your eyes." Kidou murmurs. Fudou does as Kidou asks of him and shuts his eyes. Kidou can see him visibly relax as he is brushing his fingers through the rigid hair. After several minutes Fudou is breathing regularly and the tension in his muscles and face decreases. The brunette is finally asleep. Kidou smiles as he shuts his eyes, listening to Fudou's soft breathing until he himself falls asleep too.

Fudou's condition is through trial and error. Kidou has to watch over him constantly. Five days have passed and today the brunette is sitting nervously on the sofa, anxiously scratching over his arms with his sharp nails. Kidou takes a mental note to cut them later, before he does some serious damage to himself, or him, in another one of their fights. It wouldn't be the first time since Fudou decided to quit that they get into some serious argument. It doesn't surprise him; Fudou's entire body must be craving for a draw of a cigarette or joint. He hasn't left the house ever since that one night. As distraction they applied online for a couple of jobs for him. Some have responded, and unfortunately not often very positive. Many employers are not eager to hire someone without a senior high diploma and barely work experience. Yet he has a telephonic job interview this afternoon. The employer of this butchery seemed very interested in Fudou's background story and has said that he might be willing to work with him, on a few conditions, of course.

"I can't do this Kidou." Fudou complains after another heavy sigh. "If I could just have one smoke I'd be able to relax and nail this job interview."

Kidou looks up from his textbook, because he is more at home to watch over Fudou and has to distract him; he lags a bit behind on his schoolwork. "And how would you do it if you get hired, have 'one' smoke before you go to work to 'relax'? You can't give up now, Fudou." Fudou jolts forward, his fingers clutch tightly on the fabric of Kidou's shirt as he yanks him towards his own face. "Goddamn it, Yuuto, stop being such a whiny bitch and give me my bloody drugs back."

Kidou furrows his eyebrows. "That's the second time." He says calmly as he gets hold of his friend's wrists and pushes him away lightly. Fudou doesn't say a word as he glances down to the floor. "How much time is left until he calls?"

"Dunno, forty minutes or so." He shrugs, he understands what he's trying to do, distraction. Sometimes he wonders whether Kidou has secretly stopped studying business management and switched to a psychology education, and Fudou his assignment. A real-life drug addict who needs rehabilitation. His eyes scan the room, Kidou always seem to use cognitive interviewing therapy when he's trying to distract Fudou. His eyes rest on a photo of Kidou and Haruna. It must be a recent one, because he has never seen it before. Haruna's arms are wrapped around her brother's neck, they're both laughing at the camera. They look so happy. If you don't know any better you would think that Haruna is his girlfriend. Their eyes, hair colour and face have almost no similarities. "You don't really look alike." Kidou's eyes follow Fudou's look at the picture on the windowsill. "No." he says softly.

"How come?"

Kidou doesn't reply right away. He gets up from his chair and walks towards the window. He smiles briefly as he looks at the picture and holds the picture frame in his hands. Without saying a word he returns to his chair and sits down again. He seems to be deep in thoughts. "We do not look alike because we don't share the same father." He states simply, as if he just not took him a lot of effort to answer Fudou's question.

"Oh."

This is also new to Fudou. He could have guessed it, maybe, but it never occurred to him that they could be half-siblings. He never thought of Kidou's mother as a woman who would have two children from different fathers. Kidou never speaks about his mother, Fudou has no idea how she used to be and how they must have looked like, but he always took her as a decent woman. This news kind of ruined that image and busted the bubble of Kidou's previous happy family. "Does Haruna know?"

Kidou strokes with his thumb over his sister's face on the photograph. "I haven't told her, but she's a clever girl. I am certain that she's aware, we look alike too little." Kidou smiles sadly.

"We have never discussed it before, I never told anyone either. I think saying these thoughts out loud would make it too real for us. Nothing will change in our relationship, we're siblings by blood, which we have always been, but the security I gave her as an older brother will diminish. She will probably ask questions that I do not know the answer to, or I rather do not want to answer. I'm the only one she has left, which reminds her of how it used to be. Subconsciously, it will not be the same, it doesn't matter how hard we'd try."

"I won't tell her." Kidou looks up and chuckles half heartedly. Fudou realises that in the silence that he dropped when he picked up the picture frame he had already considered whether Fudou would be keeping his mouth shut or not. Fudou smiles back, grateful for the faith Kidou has in him. "Your father, your biological father. Is he still alive?"

Kidou put the frame on the coffee table and pours a glass of wine for himself. Unconsciously Fudou glances at the clock. Twenty to three. "I don't know. I don't even know if he knows he has a son here in Japan."

"Where does he live, then?"

"Jamaica, or something. Mom said he travelled a lot."

"You discussed this with your mother? How'd you find out?"

Kidou scoffs and takes a sip of his wine. "You may not have noticed, but I was pretty clever for my age." Fudou snorts loudly as reply. "As young as I was, I saw the similarities between Haruna, my mother and her father." Kidou interrupts his speech briefly. He never spoke about his father as if he is not his real father. It feels odd. "At first I thought I was adopted. I did not have blue hair, like my sister and her father. I don't have his eyes, and neither the blue eyes of my mother. Only the colour of our hair corresponded, but anyone can have brown hair. Also, my eyes are red. Not one family member has red eyes; I already checked that in our family photo album, we still had it back then. One evening, when Haruna was already asleep, I asked my parents directly if I was adopted. They were terribly shocked by my question. Of course they had expected that I would come with it, but not this soon. Mom pulled me on her lap and spoke of a man in a country far away. They loved each other very much. Love at first sight. Then I didn't understand what she meant, but later, everything fell into place. My mother had had a summer romance. She had gone with some friends to Jamaica. They were love since the moment they met. She said he was very sweet and caring. They had been together for three weeks. Sometime in the last week, just before her departure back to Japan, they had sex, in a tent on a deserted part of the beach." Fudou notices that Kidou finds it difficult to talk about his mother's sex life, and he gets an uncomfortable feelings as well. Fortunately, Kidou continues talking.

"Back in Japan, she got reunited with Haruna's father. They were once together but lost touch after college. She was three or four months pregnant with me when she found out. Instead of leaving her my father remained with her. He cared for her and for me as if I were his own child. He has always done that, even after the birth of my sister. He always treated me as his own child, even though we didn't have much in common. The night mom told me they cried a lot. Dad assured me that he would never love me any less. When I was ready, she had wanted to give me his name and tell me more about him. "There is a certain sadness in Kidou's eyes. "But that never happened."

Both boys are silent. Fudou notices that he refers to Haruna's father as 'dad'; he has never heard him say that before. He always speaks very formally about his adoptive father. Kidou's watch makes a beeping sound, the sign that it is three o'clock. "Thanks for telling me this, and trusting me with it."

Kidou smiles faintly. "It's the first time I've talked to anyone about it. I feel better, I must say."

"Would you like to meet him"

"Even if I would, I know nothing of him."

"You could try a DNA test. There are quite a lot of TV shows about reunited families and all."

"I am not sure if I will ever be ready to meet him. I have a father, and I will always love the man who raised me and my sister until I was five years old. Searching for a man who doesn't even know about my existence would feel disrespectful, like betrayal."

Fudou nods, he understands how he feels. If his mother would have told him that she was not his mother, he doesn't know what he would have done. Probably not much worse than his condition now, however. Fudou wants to say something to his friend, but suddenly the phone rings. Kidou must have seen the panic in his eyes because he puts his hand on his knee and gives him an encouraging squeeze. "You can do this, I have faith in you." He says.

Fudou gets his phone from his pocket. Before, his contact list had been filled with the phone numbers of dealers and customers, now only Kidou and some good friends. "You should tell her, though." He says before he picks up the phone. Kidou nods in agreement. "I know." He mouths. Then Fudou disappears into the bedroom he claimed as his own.

Fudou didn't get the job. When he is completely clean, he may try again, that was the only condition the employer gave him. The man and Kidou had hoped it would work as motivation to quit, but it had just the opposite effect. Fudou sank into depression. He had nothing to do, no drive. He was restless and walked around aimlessly through the apartment. Kidou couldn't stand it anymore and said something about his behaviour. Instead of hopelessly trying to talk to a sack of potatoes he did get a response, but not one he had hoped for. Fudou had gone berserk. He became furious and threw not only numerous accusations to his head, but also some of Kidou's tableware. On his turn, Kidou had become furious too. They had scolded one another and Kidou regrets the things he said. But what he regrets most is that out of pure rage, he evicted Fudou. That had been the stupidest mistake Kidou ever made. It has been three days and there is still no sign of Fudou. As concerned as he is about his friend, Kidou asked around in Fudou's old circuit but as the brunette had promised him, he broke off all of the contact he had with them. At last, someone informed him about an old building on the outskirts of the city where all the addicts live. It is Kidou's last chance of finding him.

Fudou jolts up, gasping for air. He is clammy with sweat that's running in rivulets over his ill-clad body. There is a cold shiver going down his body, between the old newspapers and empty cans of cheap beer that are scattered over the ground, he looks for the shirt and vest which he took off about an hour ago because it had been too hot for him. Now he only feels cold, so extremely cold. Even with his vest and the torn blanket which he has drawn over himself, he can't stop shivering. He feels miserable; he has never felt so atrocious before. Is it still worthwhile to stop using drugs as his life without looks so awful? His head feels like someone is bashing on it with a hammer, non-stop, for two days now, and he feels nauseous. This is worse than a hangover. Another icy chill creeps over his body and he breaks out in sweat. He feels the overproduction of saliva in his mouth, just in time he turns on his side and empties what's left in his stomach on a stack of old newspapers. He hasn't eaten anything in two days, so after the last bit of heartburn leaves his body he only retches. He spasms like he's vomiting, but nothing comes up. It's extremely painful this time, and the motion is aching his chest every time he gags. Completely exhausted, he lets himself fall back on the thin mattress once the urge to vomit is gone and shuts his eyes. Please, let this be over soon.

Fudou is awake again, this time some muffled voices woke him, but since his headache still hasn't diminished yet it feels like they're screaming as if they're attending to a Nivara concert. Someone is holding a bottle with water in front of his face, with trembling hands he fiercely clings on the bottle. Because he doesn't have the strength in his arms to hold it the liquid spills over his face. The vial is withdrawn from him. In blind panic Fudou swings around with his arms, searching for the person who gave him the water. He is extremely thirsty. His mouth and throat feels like sandpaper. "Shh, easy. Here, let's try again. "The voice sounds familiar to Fudou's ears but he doesn't have the time to place it. Again, the bottle is brought to his lips, this time he holds his hands at his sides. The cold water feels good against his dry lips. "Not too much at the same time." Says The Voice, but Fudou won't listen. When the bottle is about to leave his vision again he grabs it once more, and this time with more success. He drinks greedily and with big gulps. It feels so good, he's dehydrated. But soon he the cold water is burning in his throat and oesophagus. He bursts into a severe coughing fit. The Voice helps him up and rubs gently over his back. "I told you so." I told you so, again, that is so familiar to his ears. It can't be, it could not possibly be, he couldn't know. "Y-Yuuto" He groans. He feels some soft fingers ruffling through his wet hair. It's him, he found him again.

Fudou lies sprawled on the ground. The nausea is gone completely, thankfully. The only thing he still feels is the throbbing headache, and there's an awful taste in his mouth, as if he ate a dead animal. He swallows a few times, but the taste doesn't become less. When he opens his eyes, he is greeted by a bright light. He rapidly shuts them again. His eyes and head can't bear with this amount of light. He lays still for several minutes until the headache decreases slightly. It is surprisingly quiet around him, no voices and moans of other junks. No passing trucks or yelling of fighting youngsters or animals on the street. Moreover, the surface is surprisingly soft. He moves with his fingers, this is not the hard mattress of the old office building. He opens his eyes again, slowly and with policy this time. The bright light is burning his eyes, which is not surprising; apparently he's looking straight up at the sun. Above him is a bright, blue sky, and he is lying on a large lawn. He sits up, around him is nothing more than grass and clear sky. Is he dead, has his body given up? If so, he is in heaven or hell? He had imagined hell to be a lot hotter, burning in hell forever, right? That is what his elementary school teacher used to say every time he pulled one of his pranks. This where he is now should therefore be heaven. Heaven with a strange aftertaste, that is. "Akio." A well-known, female voice behind him. He jumps up to his feet and turns abruptly. Nobody. This must be the drugs, has used again? His head feels all fuzzy, he can't remember. The last thing he can recall was a voice that gave him water, and that sounds ridiculous, even to him. "Akio," The female voice speaks, right behind him once more. This time he knows who it is. He turns slowly, prepared for whoever is behind him. When he does, he looks right into the face of his mother. She stares back at him. She is smaller than the last time Fudou saw her, or Fudou has grown in the last two and a half years. "Hey ma," his voice is hoarse. His throat feels dry, and there is still the taste of death in his mouth. "How ... how've you been?" His mother says nothing. Her lips are curved into a smile, but her eyes are not smiling with her. She's just staring at him with an empty and exhausted gaze. "I'm sorry for not visiting for so long. I've been ... busy. "He laughs sceptically. The noise sounds hollow and empty, as if he's standing in an empty room, but there are no walls for the sound to bounce off from. His mother hasn't said a word yet, it gives Fudou an irritated feeling low in his stomach. "I-I missed you, lots. I know I'm not quite what you wanted me to be but you said ... "Fudou is able to hear the quiver in his own voice; the tears are burning behind his eyes."You said you'd always love me, right? No matter what happened and in what kind of trouble I would get myself into." That his mother doesn't answer him frustrates him to the core. "Well, I did it mom, I got myself into a big mess. I'm such a bloody screw up, Ma. I'm so fucking sorry." He rubs angrily over his eyes. "I'll try. I'll try to make it better, not just for me, but for you and ...

GODDAMN IT, TALK TO ME, MA!"

He wants to grab her by the shoulders and shake her body until she finally reacts, but he can't. He would never want to hurt her, not physically and while he's aware of it, at least. "Please ma," his voice is soft now, almost fragile. He has never felt so vulnerable in his entire life. "Please answer me." But she remains silent, when he looks up his mother is gone. "Ma? Mama! "He calls after her. He looks around frantically but there is no sign of his mother. There's a loud thunder sound and everything around him turns dark. The panic grabs him by the throat, presses all the air out of his lungs until he collapses on his knees, gasping for a little bit of air. His whole body hurts and breathing is becoming increasingly difficult. The taste of death and decaying flesh in his mouth is getting stronger. "Ma! Don't go! I need you! "He crawls forward over the grass, desperate, and moaning in pain."Don't leave me here!" Another stab of pain, his head, his stomach, his heart. "MA!"

"FUDOU!"

His eyes open abruptly and he flips forward until he realises that he is able to breathe again. The pain is gone, and the taste in his mouth has disappeared. He is not dead, he's not dead yet. No heaven, no hell, and his mother ...

"Fudou."

His head jolts up. "Ma?" Next to him is not his mother, but Kidou. He looks almost horrifying, the concern is written all over his face and he has dark lines underneath his eyes. But he smiles nonetheless. "You're awake, finally." He sighs. The relief in Kidou's voice breaks Fudou. It is not his mother, but there is someone beside him who is worried about him. Someone who cares. How long has he been here, how long has he been out for? Fudou want to say something but he's unable to utter a word, and instead of saying anything, he bursts out in tears. Kidou draws him close and lets him cry on his shoulder. Laborious, silent sobs. The relief, pain, grief, the absence of his mother, everything comes out. Kidou strokes his back and whispers softly to him. In Kidou's arms he leisurely calms. "You don't have to do this."
"Yeah, I do, actually." Kidou remains at his side, brings him food and water, comforts him after another nightmares until he falls asleep again, and under Kidou's care and support he slowly gets better every passing day.

A week has passed since Kidou found him and he's looking better already. He has more colour on his pale cheeks, and he has more skin down on his bones. He is looking even healthy than when Kidou found him over a month ago.

"Kidou, listen," Kidou turns his face to his friend, when Fudou starts his sentence like this it could never be anything he'd be pleased to hear. "I need to leave for a while, don't know when I'll be back."

"I see." He says leisurely.

"But I'll have to ask you something first." Kidou furrows his eyebrows into a deep frown, he doesn't like where this conversation is heading to. "I need my bag of weed back. Do you still have it?" The disappointment is written all of Kidou's face. "This is your third time."

"I know."

He stands up with a sigh. "I had you pegged stronger, but I'm honest. A deal is a deal, after all. "Fudou follows Kidou with his eyes. He heads over to his guest bedroom, the room where Fudou has been sleeping in, and return with a familiar, transparent bag with a sealing strip. "I figured that if you were going to turn my apartment upside down, your own room would be the last one you'd pick." Fudou, who had been in shock at first because that what he had been craving for all this time had been within reach, laughs heartily. "Clever." Kidou hesitates before he returns the bag; he is visibly hurt that Fudou is giving up after their hours of arduous work and rehabilitation. "Thanks." Fudou spins around, instead of leaving the house; he's heading to the bathroom, empties the bag in the toilet and flushes the content with a determined look in his eyes. "That needed to be done." He grins widely, He grins, his eyes sparkling with mischief, Kidou flashes him a grin back while he punches him proudly and especially encouragingly against his shoulder. This is the Fudou he is familiar with. Now he can let him go with ease in his heart.

About three weeks later Fudou shows up again. Despite Kidou had allowed him to leave, he had still been concerned about the 19-year-old. But that turned out to be unnecessary. Fudou seemed to be doing well, and he couldn't discover any new scratches and scrapes on his friend's body. Now Fudou is back Kidou realises that he missed him. He might not always be the most pleasant company, but he's still his best friend. "Whatever it was that you had to do, did it work out?"

"Yeah," says Fudou, not looking up from the game he is playing on his phone. "There is some kind of party tonight." Now he has Fudou's full attention. "And since I was too occupied studying for the exams," He can hear Fudou snicker. "And with taking care of you, I didn't have time to ask someone. So, I was wondering if you'd like to come with me— just as friends. I thought you could use the distraction. It's nothing big, just some students from the university, so please do not expect too much from it. "

"Yeah, don't worry dude, you already had me at the word 'party'." Fudou flashes him a cocky grin. "I'd love to be your second choice."

The party had turned out slightly exceeds Kidou's expectations. His friends had assured him that it would be just a few people, but when they arrived, the large, decorated garden of the student association was already packed with young students. "Neat." He heard Fudou say before he was drawn into a world full of blasting music and strong liquor. Something he could do without. His classmates were delighted to see him; they didn't think he would show up. And especially Fudou's debauchery seemed to be a hit. Beer and other alcoholic drinks were flowing all night and it must have been somewhere around four in the morning when Fudou pulled on his sleeve and took the sozzled Kidou home with him. He doesn't have the high alcohol tolerance as you might think he has.

He doesn't remember how they arrived home safely, but suddenly he finds himself on his sofa in his own apartment, with Fudou, and a bottle of tequila in their midst. "Hey, I know a fun game." Slurs Fudou. "Never have I ever. It's easy, I ask a question and start my sentence with 'never have I ever ', if you have done it you should drink. If you did not, then I have to drink. Wanna play? "Kidou shrugs indifferently, why not?

They make it unnecessarily easy for each other; they ask questions they already know the answers to, but still think of it as hilarious whenever the other has to drink another glass. "Never have I ever got a full mark on an exam," Kidou had to drink, "Never have I ever gotten a fake tattoo," Fudou had to drink.

"Never have I ever smoked weed." Kidou grins slyly and looks at how Fudou gulps down another shot of tequila. "Alright, now I got one for you," he chuckles. "Never have I ever shared the bed with someone of the same gender." Kidou stares at him and then put his glass down. If Kidou does not drink it is the rule that Fudou to drink. Kidou waits until Fudou finished his glass, in his mind he's already trying to figure out what he should ask next, when he feels two warm hands cup his cheeks, followed by Fudou's dry lips against his. Kidou's eyes dilate, before he has completely taken in what is happening to him, Fudou's weight pushes him flat down on the sofa. Overwhelmed, but too fuddled to fully realise what his friend is doing, he lets him kiss him. It brings him back to that moment four years ago when they were kissing under the tree in Kidou's garden. The last time, on the roof of the school before Fudou was suspended and they didn't see each other in a long time. Kidou doesn't want to miss Fudou any more in his life. He can't describe how it feels, but somehow they are always being drawn back to each other. Fudou's hands caress over Kidou's dreads. It reminds him of the nights Fudou had sat next to him; it reminds him of the day he told Fudou about his father. Fudou knows almost everything about him. He hears a low moan; he doesn't know exactly which of them made that noise honestly. Fudou is rugged, the kiss is intimate, and his hands are surprisingly soft and fondly. This is exactly Fudou. Everything that he feels in this kiss, this passion and aggression, is an accurate description of Fudou. His life will never be stable as long as Fudou is there with his impulsive actions. It is precisely his impulsiveness that brings them in these positions. Secretly, Kidou thinks it's not so bad. Fudou's hands are moving again, roaming over his chest, and eventually; they reach for Kidou's belt. Something in his head, common sense perhaps, reminds him that they shouldn't be doing this; this is not one of their most splendid ideas. If they push this through they will most likely regret it in the future. He doesn't want their friendship, something they have accumulated over the years, get ruined by a foolish mistake they made while they were drunk. He pushes Fudou, who had reached his zipper in the meantime, away from him and tries to sit up straight. "We shouldn't do this." He pants, still out of breath from the intensity with which they kissed.

They're sitting uncomfortably next to each other on the sofa; the atmosphere between them has reached a certain point of awkwardness they have never felt before between the two of them. The only noises in the room are the ticking of the clock, the soft buzzing from the refrigerator, and their panting as they are gradually catching their breath. It seems that they are both stunned because of what happened, still. "I'm going home for the weekend." Says Kidou, in an attempt to break the silence between them. "Oh," Is the other's first reaction.

"You'll have the house for yourself, then." Kidou adds. Fudou ruffles his hand through his chopped hair. "Got stuff to take care of anyway, will not be in town either." Kidou hears in his voice that Fudou is hurt. It was perhaps not so convenient of him to bring this news right after a rejection. It may seem as if he wants to avoid Fudou. Kidou knows that it's a lost cause to defend himself now, Fudou won't listen to reasoning. "I'm going to bed." Fudou gets up, he seems to hesitate, but then heads to the bedroom he has claimed as his own. "Night." Kidou yells against the already been shut door. Perhaps a weekend without each other wouldn't be so bad.

When Kidou has taken off his shoes and brought his weekend bag to his old room, he heads downstairs to drink tea with his father. It's an old ritual, and the tea he used to drink with his father has been replaced for coffee and wine, it depends on the hour. They talk about the progress of his study, but Kidou leaves out that he barely passed his exams because his attention had been on a former drugs addict who has been living with him for the past couple of months. His father was never much in favour of Fudou, if he finds out they are sharing his expensive apartment, he won't approve and will probably force him to make Fudou leave. His father isn't in need for more material to blackmail him. "There is someone waiting for you in the guesthouse." Says his father suddenly. Kidou's expression as something disturbing on it. "It's quite early, father. I had hoped to get some rest after this long drive home."

His father's expression is agitated. "Come on boy, you know that I will not tolerate contradiction. I made this appointment because you were supposed to be coming home yesterday afternoon, but then you suddenly had some 'party' to attend to." His tone and facial expression could not have been more disapproving. "You come here with bags under your eyes as if you've just partied last week rather than spent time on your studies. You're pale, do you have enough meals? Or do you only eat what students eat, that cheap junk food?" Kidou could have expected it; his father had been fairly quiet all this time. He had hoped that he was pleased for once with his son and did not feel the need to make those awful comments. Maybe he'd even hoped that in his time away from home his father had changed, that he actually missed his company. But this turned out to be not remotely true; his father is still the same man. This has been happening since he was in high school, the pressure to perform. Always the highest possible results, he has to be perfect, uphold his family name. One mistake and a severe punishment would follow.

In the past he thought he had to work hard so that his sister could live with them, but when his father wanted to fulfil the arrangement they made he refused. Haruna has a lovely family, with parents who love her. He would never want to deprive her that family and security. If he would make her live here, this big mansion in which you can wander around for days and see no-one, she would have felt miserable growing up here. In addition to it, Kidou does not want that his sister would suffer from the same treatment as he has been living with. Those guests, business partners, his father speak about, started when Kidou reached the age of sixteen. He became more involved in the business; it seemed very inspiring at first. He was able to spend more time with his father, as he taught him the intricacies of the business life. What he didn't know was that his father expected something in return from him. "The world of business is hard; Yuuto, and sometimes we do things we do not fully support. You learn from moments like these." There runs an unpleasant chill over Kidou's body. "Can I please delay it, father? I rather don't want to do this anymore. These methods are old-fashioned, outdated and very unnecessary."

"He has been waiting for you for quite some time, Yuuto." His father's voice is harsh. "This is not how you do business. Are you going to use these methods too when you take over the company, skipping important meetings because you simple do not feel like it?"

"This is no business meeting father, this is anomalistic, and illegal."

"You know nothing about marketing boy. You are my son, have you forgotten what I've done for you? All the effort, the extra costs, and I do not even get a simple 'thank you' in return."

"But I am grateful father, I -"

"Do not dare to interrupt me while I am speaking. This behaviour is unacceptable. Actually, I'd have to punish you." Kidou cringes. He regrets trying to talk reason into his father; he shouldn't have started this argument. "But I forgive you; you have a tough week behind you." His voice is softer now, almost friendly. Unfortunately Kidou know that once his father responds this kindly when he is upset, it could never mean anything good. "I give you another chance. Gainsay me one more time, and be prepared to face the consequences of your own actions. As you know, I could make not only your life, but also that of your sister's extremely difficult. She's doing well at school, I heard, she has a nice family, a lot of friends. It would be unfortunate if it would suddenly come to an end. "Kidou keeps his eyes on his lap, his hands clenched tightly into fists. He has too much power over him, and there's nothing he can do about it without putting his loved ones in danger. "Yes, father. I'm going to freshen myself up and then I will go directly to the guestroom."

His father sits back in his chair and smiles approvingly. "You made a wise decision, my son." He says from behind his newspaper. "While you're at it, wear something entertaining, as apology for our waiting guest."

Without another word, Kidou leaves the room. He can't wait until he can return to his own apartment. He had deliberately chosen a college far from home, so that he could live in the neighbourhood of the university. Fortunately, his father accepted his proposal after Kidou had come up with a concrete plan and stats on the training course, and of course his father wanted the best for his son's future. Kidou wishes he would want the best for him too. His own father would never have treated him like this. He felt a twinge in his heart, treachery, but on the other hand, it feels good too. A different father, his real father. Ever since he discussed the matter with Fudou he finds himself thinking more often about it. Will he ever be able to find him?

Kidou takes a deep breath before entering the guesthouse. Inside there is an elderly man waiting for him. When he gets up to greet him Kidou can see him properly. He is short and overweighed; it makes him look like a giant soccer ball. With his thick, sausage-like fingers, that are decorated with several golden rings, he holds Kidou's hand and presses a kiss on it. "You are even more handsome than your father described." The lust is glistening in his eyes. Kidou thanked him, as he was taught, but inside he felt disgusted. "Let's see if the rest of your body is as he described too." His hand strokes his chest, down to his crotch. Another hour, hopefully, and then it's over. Kidou lets it all come over him. The dirty, poorly maintained moustache of the man tickles his neck and gives him an unpleasant feeling. Subconsciously, he thinks Fudou when he buried his face in the crook of Kidou's neck once. Fudou has a little hair for his age and he has to shave less often than Kidou, but that day he had a subtle stubble. Enough for Kidou to feel it against his skin. That had felt differently than this, it was enjoyable and gave him a pleasant sensation. He wonders what Fudou doing now; he said he would leave the city for the weekend. Kidou hopes he is not getting himself in trouble. They hadn't exchanged a word with each other this morning, the atmosphere was uneasy after last night, and Fudou probably had a hangover. Fudou is able to hold his liquor, but his condition in the morning is always far worse than Kidou's. After a few glasses of water and a cup of strong coffee, he's feeling as fit as a fiddle. Kidou sinks on his knees to unbuckle the belt of the man; his hairy stomach falls over his underwear once the pressure that held his stomach on its place has been removed. Gross. He wonders what the kiss from last night meant. Somehow they only share those kisses when they're under influence of something. Maybe it's just instinct, experimenting, like Fudou said in the first year of Senior High. They were both drunk and in a mellow mood after that stupid game they played. Fudou was just recovering from a tough couple of weeks, and Kidou was releasing the stress caused by his exams and his said best friend. It was human nature to seek an outlet for their tensions after this period in their lives. After all the support they have given each other, they trust each other. What they share is something more than just friendship; they have a special connection they are both aware of. He just doesn't know what it is exactly. They know almost everything about each other, almost everything. Kidou lied to him yesterday, when he asked him if he had ever had sexual intercourse with a man. He feels guilty, and sick about having to lie to Fudou, but he can never find out. No-one ever can.

Kidou managed to escape from the house. While his father was talking to the man who used Kidou to 'seal the deal', he slipped away. He wonders how his father is able to look at man straight in the eye after what he and his son did past one and a half hour. Kidou shakes the thought aside, he has showered for nearly an hour, but he still feels filthy. The feeling of those large, plump hands on his body are hard to wash off. He's walking aimlessly around over the streets, he thinks about giving Sakuma a visit now he is back in town. They have a lot to catch up on. Kidou wants to turn around and take a different direction but he stops in his track when he sees a familiar person walking across the street with a bunch of flowers in his hands. It's Fudou. Of all the places he didn't think he'd run into him here. He should have said that he was returning to their hometown too, he could have given him a ride. In afterthought, their parting hadn't been very comfortable and Fudou probably deliberately chose to keep silent about where he was going. Kidou is curious, where is he going? His mother could live here in the neighbourhood, or he has a girlfriend with whom he has something to make up to. Curiosity gets the better of Kidou's conscience, and he sets off in pursuit.

Kidou follows Fudou from a distance, for someone who grew up living on the streets and always watching his back, he doesn't seem to realise that he's being followed. When they reach the park Kidou smiles, so it's a date. However, he is quite surprised when Fudou passes the entrance and heads to the cemetery instead. A rather strange place to meet up with someone. Still driven by his unusual curiosity, he continues to follow his best friend until he holds still at a deserted grave. He crouches, puts the flowers down and folds his hands together. Kidou is looking at his friend's back from a safe distance. He shouldn't have followed him. Kidou wants to spin on his heel and walk away when a familiar voice calls him back. "I don't mind."

Kidou turns his face to him; Fudou is looking back at him over his shoulder with a crooked smile. "Sorry." He smiles apologetically. "It's alright, I've been aware for a while. You're not really good at following people." Kidou is taken aback; here he thought he had managed pretty well. He kept his distance and made sure he was unseen. "How did you know – and if you realised I was following you then why didn't you change directions? I didn't notice anything." Kidou's voice trails off. "Or is that grave from someone you don't know either?"

"I know because I know when I'm being followed, and I didn't change directions because I don't mind you knowing where I was going." He brings his focus on the grave in front of him. "It's my mother's."

"I-I'm sorry," stammers Kidou. Dumbfounded, shocked and embarrassed. "I didn't know. Sorry, Fudou, I shouldn't have followed you."

Fudou keeps his eyes on the grave. "I wanted to tell you this earlier, but I couldn't do it. It was too painful for me. When you opened up about your father the day of my interview, I wanted to try it, but then the phone rang. After that I didn't get another chance." The tension on Kidou's shoulders lessens. "I see, so this is what you've been hiding." Fudou nods hardly surprised that Kidou was already aware he was keeping something from him.

"I'd like to tell you, 'y'know, the real reason I got arrested, and some other shit. Is not real pleasant, you sure you wanna hear?" When Kidou consents Fudou takes a deep breath, shuts his eyes as he starts talking. "My …" Fudou obviously finds it difficult to get the following word over his lips. "... father was forced to quit his job 'cause he had to take the blame for his boss' mistakes. He left us, me and ma, when I was young. Ma told me to gain strength and not end up like that man. I guess I mistook what she meant and my hunger for power grew. I originally joined Kageyama Reiji to create a strong team; Shin Teikoku, with help from the Aliea Meteorite, but he called me a second rate when our team lost. Said I wasn't good enough, the team I got together was a failure. You know, I could spend my days pushing the blame on those two friends of yours, but as captain, it was my responsibility. I had failed." Fudou unknowingly balls his hands into fists, talking about his own mistakes is difficult, and admitting his own mistakes is not something he does often. Yet here he stands and tells Kidou openly about his past,, that big black hole that has always been a mystery for Kidou because Fudou always gave vague answers when asked about his life. Kidou knows that his youth hasn't been easy, the way he looks at the world is very different from his vision, but he never heard directly from him what his past was like.

"Coach Hibiki approached me, not long after the Aliea shit was over. One thing followed after another. I joined Inazuma Japan; I was able to play alongside with you, and Sakuma. Made some… friends even. We defeated Kageyama, heck he even became a good man before he died, and we won the championship. At home, we had quite a debt and the money we gained from winning the tournament was very welcome. But things took a bad turn from there on, we had so much, I didn't know what to do with all the money. I got involved with some dealers pretty soon, actually. The day of the graduation match I was carrying drugs with me 'cause I had an appointment later. When they suggested that party I decided to stay. At that point, friends were still more important to me than the life I had just gotten into. And after I got expelled things only got worse, although I didn't see it back then. I thought it was going great; I had no school to go to so I could focus on my new job. Carrying drugs 'round and selling them. I became good at this; the whole life seemed to suit me. Smoking, drinking and stealing. I became the leader of my own gang and started my own circuit. I was like a young version of the Godfather to them.I had the time of my life, but in the end, I did it all for her.

Ma had never been the strongest, she always needed protection, my protection, and I happily gave that to her. She was everything I had, and needed." Fudou puts his hand on the tombstone, and then grinds his teeth. "But I wasn't everything' she needed. She thought that once we would be free of our debt that man would return to us." Fudou laughs sceptically, it's a hollow laugh. "And that was when she saw him. Married to another woman with a three year old walking between them." That last sentence feels like a punch in Kidou's stomach, he can hardly imagine the pain his mother has felt. To see the man you loved with someone else, he moved on. "She was broken, she cried day and night. 'Y'know, I never realised how blind I've been. I had no idea how much she still loved that man. How could she even, after everything he did to us?" Unintentionally, he raises his voice. "How could she forget?!"

"Fudou…"

The brunette shakes his head as sign that he is calm again, but his fists remain tightly clenched together. "Sorry, off topic. It went like this for weeks, until one day, I found her. It was the day I last saw you. It was deadly silent in the house, which was strange 'cause the door was unlocked so she should've been home. … I heard her fast breathing coming from the kitchen. I rushed towards her and…" Fudou has to stop, he can't continue speaking. Fudou's voice is on the point of breaking, and Kidou himself thinks that if he would say something, his voice would do the same. The boy in front of him isn't the most robust one for his age, but with his confidence and attitude you still know you rather want to get out of his way, suddenly he seems so small here in front of his mother's grave So tender and fragile. Fudou swallows a few times, when he speaks again his voice sounds hoarse. "There she was, in a puddle of her own blood. Deep cuts carved into her wrists. I kept screaming at her and yelling that she couldn't die. She just couldn't. I called an ambulance and held her in my arms, trying to stop her wrists from bleeding and adding pressure to it with a towel, but it was already too late. She had lost too much blood. By the time the doctors came she was already dead.

I would give my life for hers, but she couldn't stay alive for me" The tears are running down over Fudou's cheeks. It's deadly quiet. Kidou doesn't know what they should do next. Should he walk towards him, but then what? Fudou suddenly continues talking again. "Don't remember much of what happened after. I freaked out, had no-where to go. All the money we had went to alcohol and cigarettes. My home was taken from me so I lived on the streets. I could have called you, I should've, but I didn't. Instead I was hanging 'round with my new 'friends' all day. Friends who didn't ask questions, friends who just pushed another can of lukewarm beer into my hands. And then, after a couple of nights, I got arrested for something so extremely stupid." Fudou begins the laugh, a laugh so painful that Kidou can feel it all over his body. "I was drunk and got in a fight with someone, exactly like I told you. Gave him a good beating and got arrested for both breaking a few of his bones and underage drinking. They locked me up for a couple of months, and that's it." Fudou rises from his crouching position and dusts off his knees with the palms of his hands. "When I got released I still didn't have anywhere to go, that's when I ran into Takanashi Shinobu, you remember her?"

Takanashi Shinobu, a midfielder for Shin Teikoku Gakuen. "Shin Teikoku's genius playmaker is the queen of the midfield", Kidou had teased him with the fact that Fudou wasn't recognised as the genius playmaker, not even in his own team, and if they did they referred to him as a queen. The girl has short, peach hair that is tied in such a way that it covers her left eye like a headband, and is tied on the left side of her head in two spiral curls. He always thought she was a little bit odd.

"Apparently life didn't really work out for her either. We claimed a place to live together in the old building where the junks life, you know, where you found me, and we stayed there. It wasn't so bad actually. Drugs, booze and sex was our life for a long time. I climbed the ladder in my own circuit again, 'y'know, out of sight out of mind. I had to earn my spot back in the drugs dealing. So I started as a simple drug boy, and then some loser made an appointment with me, but he didn't buy my stuff. He didn't give me money either; he blackmailed me into going home with him instead. The rest is history. "He grins."Now you know everything."

Kidou nods approvingly, he is relieved that Fudou dared to tell him everything. It is now easier to understand where Fudou's actions come from, perhaps he can even understand his decisions he made with Kageyama. What he heard shocked him, he had no clue what his best friend had been going through. He would have wanted that Fudou had turned to him when his mother passed, or after his time in prison, but that's not how Fudou works. Fortunately, he is here now, and Kidou can support him when it's needed.

"And when you disappeared all those times when you lived with me, and those three weeks after you ditched the drugs in my toilet, what have you been doing?" Even before Fudou can answer the question his phone goes off, he glances quickly at the caller ID and declines it then. "Been taking care of Shinobu, providing money and shit. While I had a place to crash, she was still living in that building." Again Fudou can feel his phone vibrate in his pocket; he lets out a vexed sigh and presses the red button on his phone. "We both wanted to stop with the drugs, that's why I hid it. But then you found it and we had my whole rehab situation. So, when I was clean I got rid of what was left of my drugs, I went back to her to support her."

"I'm glad that you have been doing something good, but what made you both change your mind? It's a little sudden."

"She's pregnant."

Kidou can't believe what he just heard; he must have stared at him speechlessly for a while because Fudou shrugs suddenly and averts his gaze. "Sorry, I couldn't tell you. It was too much to take in; I guess I kinda suppressed it too. We wanted to quit for the baby, 'cause 'y'know, drugs and alcohol is poison for a 'lil kid, even I know that. And that's why I agreed to look for a job, I need money to take care of my future family, you know. But I became so focussed on how bad my life felt without weed, and how I'd never get a job, that I didn't think of her pregnancy at all anymore. I'm real thankful you found me, Kidou. That you helped me, because of you I was able to help her stop too. You didn't only save my life, but also that of me and my 'lil boy."

For Kidou too it's all a little too much to take in. Fudou's girlfriend is pregnant; they will have a child together. Fudou will soon be a father, at this young age. He has no money, no job, and no official place to live. How will he ever settle all this, or rather, how will he arrange all this for them. He is sure Fudou will come to him for help, and he doesn't mind. He just has absolutely zero knowledge about babies. "You know the gender already?" He asks curiously.

"Nee," answer Fudou, with a hint of pride in his voice. "but Shinobu told me she's certain it's a boy. Probably a good soccer player too." At this point the brunette has a grin on his face from ear to ear. "He kicks a lot." Kidou smiles faintly, he will have to get used to the idea that this guy in front of him will have to take care of a child very soon. "I'm sure you will be a good father. When is she due?"

Fudou shrugs again. "Dunno, she's nine months pregnant. – bloody hell." He curses as his phone rings for the fourth time. "Can't I have some time alone, I told her I'd be visiting my mother's grave."

Kidou is able to link the two situations quickly; he actually doesn't understand why Fudou fails to see it. He is not ready for a child at all. He grabs Fudou's arm before he can end the call again and turn off his phone to have some privacy. "Pick up." He demands. De brunette gives him a confused look. "Takanashi might be in labour."

Fudou slowly exhales the smoke from his cigarette. His girlfriend has just left the comfort of their bed and suddenly ran towards the bathroom without saying a word. Whatever, he thinks; she has been acting weirdly for weeks. He wants to lighten a new cigarette for Takanashi as she renters their room, but she refuses. "Akio, I have to tell you something." She says, almost hesitantly. Fudou sit upright. She has someone else is the first thought he can think of. "I'm pregnant."

The cigarette falls out Fudou's mouth and leaves behind a scorch mark on the old duvet. "You're kidding, right? You can't be pregnant. "He says stiffly."We use condoms, and I made a deal for those birth control pills for you. You must have enough for another six months. "

"How am I supposed to know how it happened? I am seriously pregnant. I have all the symptoms; abdominal pain, nausea, I no longer menstruate, and I know you've noticed that I gained weight."

"That doesn't mean shit. Gastroenteritis, or something, and a lot of junkies stop menstruating because of the drugs. That's a thing, right? "He brushes the grim off the bed with an uninterested expression and puts the cigarette back between his lips. "And you've probably had too much space cake, or something."

"I did a test yesterday, Akio. It's positive. "She throws the stick in his direction. Fudou studied the test in his hands. "What are these two lines?"

"One means that the test is working, the other confirms that I'm pregnant."

"Fuck. Where did you get this, is it reliable? "

"Your friend who works at the drugstore and provides my birth control pills, and your cigarettes."

"That son of a bitch." Fudou throws the pregnancy test bitterly across the room. "Last week we were smoking a joint outside, and he said nothing."

"I asked him to."

"Friends don't keep secrets from each other." He snaps back. "Is that really the point here, Akio? I'm pregnant! "Fudou searches among the mess for his underwear to cover the lower half on his body and gets up."And how am I certain the kid is mine?"

Takanashi moans. "I knew it, I knew you'd say this, why did I even try. What, are you going to ask me for an abortion next? "

"Do you mean that you're not considering it?"

Takanashi looks away from him. "It's too late. I'm five months pregnant. "Fudou slams his fist against the wall and starts to pace through the room."Five months, how can you be five months pregnant without either of us realising? Five months ago— shit, the festival." He groans and puts his hand to his forehead. About five months ago, there was a three-day festival just outside the city. The second night they had no condoms left; they had used them for their own good, and borrowed the rest to every pair in need. They share everything, alcohol, cigarettes, and condoms. He trusts his girlfriend, and he wants to believe her. She is not cheating, it was his own fault. "What should we do now? Adoption, is that an option?" He's thinking out loud, still nervously pacing around the room.

"I'd like to keep it." Fudou stops in his track, the look on his girlfriend's face is determined.

"I need a cigarette."

"You are thinking of smoking now? Akio, I don't think you realise but there's a child growing inside of me! We can't smoke, drink or do drugs, all of that has to stop, now." Fudou puts his cigarette back in the pack. "You're right." He says as he walks towards the window. He gives a hard pull on the towel which serves as curtain for the window. When he rolls up the window he hesitates for a moment, but then throws his pack of cigarettes out. "We need to stop all of this." Takanashi finds it difficult to assess whether her boyfriend is sceptical or not, but when the alcohol bottles are being thrown out too she understands that he is serious. He takes the entire room upside down, their whole stock of cigarettes and liquor are flying through the window and make a loud cracking noise once the glass hits the ground. Eventually all that they are left with are a few bags of weed. "Aren't you going to throw those out too?"

"I was thinking, maybe we could sell them. You know, as my last deal. We can make some money out of it. We need money, I need a job, we need a house, we can't take care of a kid with the two of us! We're fucking nineteen and I know nothing about babies and shit! I can't be a father Shinobu!"

"It's not like you can decide you can or can't, or don't want to be one now, you already got me pregnant."

"So you're saying it is my fault that I – " He stops midsentence. "Babe, you alright?" He gives a concerned look to his girlfriend who suddenly reaches with both hands to her stomach. "It— I can feel it kicking! Akio, come here!" She grabs her confused boyfriend's hand and presses his palm against the small bulge. "Whaddya doing?" Fudou is feeling highly uncomfortable. "I ain't feeling nothing." But then he's able to feel it, a soft movement in Takanashi's belly. "He's going to be a great football player, just like his father." Fudou is flabbergasted. "How'd you know it's a boy?" There's a quiver in his voice.

"I can just feel it!"

"Holy shit, Shinobu. That's a real something growing inside of you! It's like a little alien. We're going to be parents, for real." He holds her face firmly between his hands and kisses her on the lips. He used to say that he doesn't want any children. They're troublesome, cry a lot, smell horribly, and cost a lot of money. But now that his girlfriend is pregnant and there's a little living creature growing inside of her, it's different. This is something they have created together, and he will take care of it. Get his act together. He will be much better than his own father. He will be there for his son to play with him, teach him how to play football, help with his homework. He will show that he can handle the responsibility. "I'm going to be an amazing dad." He whispers whilst kissing her forehead. "I promise."

Fudou is pacing nervously down the hall. Kidou has dropped him off at the hospital two hours ago and there are still no developments. Apparently she had been feeling contractions since last night, but didn't want to disturb Fudou. He almost feels bad for cursing at her. Behind the door he is able to hear her moaning. Almost, because there's a lot more he regrets right now.

He has no idea what to do. The nurse said she is in the third phase now, the transition phase or whatsoever. The contractions take 1 to 1.5 minutes and arrive every 2 to 3 minutes, he doesn't know what that means, but Takanashi has been moaning a lot more since she said that. She also mentioned something about an opening of eight to ten centimetres, He has no idea what that is supposed to mean either, but the thought that the part of the head is visible makes him feel happy, scared, sick and very nervous at the same time.

"Young man?" The door swings open. "She can start pushing now. The mother would like you to be in here." On the background, he is able to hear her moan loudly. "Where is that motherfucker? I'll make him regret that he ever was born!" The beams a kind smile. "Don't worry; she's just in a lot of pain. It's quite something, giving birth at this young age. She doesn't mean what she is saying." She tries to reassure him. Fudou passes her, his face paler than usual. "She means every word of it, believe me." He murmurs while passing her.

The next forty-five minutes are a traumatic experience for Fudou. The room is filled with beeping devices that Takanashi is connected to. Doctors and nurses are walking in and out and then there are his girlfriend's painful moans. One after another curse words are leaving Takanashi's mouth. She curses him for making him pregnant, threatens that she will make him feel the same pain as she is going through if she survives this, and squeezes so hard in his hand that it bruises. Fudou has never been so quiet. He does everything Takanashi asks of him, he's puffing with her; they had practiced that with a friend of Takanashi's who already had two children of her own. Whenever she curses at him he remains silent instead of fighting back, and as promised he doesn't faint when she needs him most. "You're doing very well sweetheart," The voice of the nurse is working on his nerves, but her kindness seems to be supporting his girlfriend. She probably misses her mother in this situation. He does too, if she'd only be here to tell him what he should do, give him advice. "push just a little more!"

Suddenly it's all going very rapidly. Takanashi squeezes even harder in his hand, there's a deafening scream coming from Takanashi's right next to his ear, and the first thing he's able to hear after is the crying of a baby. The baby, wrapped in a pink blanket, is placed on Takanashi's chest. Fudou's still nonplussed, was that it? The nurse puts her hand on Fudou's shoulder. "Congratulations daddy, it's a girl."

"A girl?" He repeats in disbelief. "I have a daughter?" The woman laughs heartily. "The mother needs some rest, would you like to hold her?" Fudou is speechless, confused and flurried when his daughter is pushed into his arms. They offered him to cut the umbilical cord, but that seemed like a scaring idea, he would not want to hurt her. In spite of his confused state he will never forget how it felt to hold his daughter in his arms for the first time. She has light gray, greenish eyes and dark hair. At the first sight she reminds him of his mother. "She looks a lot like you." The nurse wants to take her from him again, but Fudou takes a step back. The girl in his arms makes a soft noise. Not with a single word he would ever be able to describe how jubilant he feels. As if his whole life has suddenly changed. He will always love her, protect her and care for her. All that he is now, and he will ever be, everything he owns, it's hers. "I'll be the best father you'll ever have, princess." He whispers.

"Have you two decided on baby names yet?"

"Yara," sounds Takanashi's fatigued voice. "I want to name her Yara."

"Yara." He repeats while gently caressing with his trembling fingers over his newborn daughter's cheek. "Yeah, I like that. Welcome to the world, Yara. "

It is already dark when Kidou arrives back home. After he dropped Fudou off at the hospital he was aimlessly driving around the city. He didn't want to go home, but he had nowhere to go either. He could have visited Sakuma, that was his original plan, but he didn't feel like talking. He was still a little overwhelmed by the events of today. "Your father is waiting for you, Young master."

It is not often that his father calls him back after a day like today. Often they avoid each other for a while; Kidou wonders whether it is a sense of guilt. It's hard to believe. His father asks him a courtesy where he was today, and Kidou gives him a socially desirable response, he then coming right to the point. He's never been the best in some casual chit-chat. "I have amazing news, Yuuto." His father spreads his arms. "That man you met earlier today has approved of you." Kidou nods politely, although he doesn't quite understand what this means. "I take it that it was a good deal, father?" He asks apprehensively. "It certainly was, he has allowed you to marry his daughter."

Kidou is standing frozen as a statue. He first thought is that is father must be kidding, but knowing his father, that is rather unlikely. This can't be true; he has a study out of town, a life. His father wouldn't do this to him, right? "Congratulations son, you're engaged."

YOU DID IT! You managed to finish this long chapter! Congregations! You might want to rest your eyes a little while (before writing me a lovely review, how about that?)

Final note: I tried as much as possible to write according to the laws of Japan. Fudou had first been arrested for carrying drugs, but that would cost him then years and that doesn't fit in my story haha. The youngest gang member was supposed to be carrying the drugs, that's why he was crying- and Fudou took it for him. Now I couldn't include that anymore, but I had to keep the young guy because he's so adorable. – no, I don't think he'll be mentioned again in future chapters.

Kidou is nineteen and he own a car, after some research I learned he is allowed to get a Vehicle license, light at the age of eighteen, and a medium one around the age of 19/20. I'm glad that worked out, or else I would have used my own (dutch) law instead.

Again, a lot of things needed research and believe me, I've spend hours on that too. As well as translating. Why did I ever think it would be a good idea to write some parts in dutch?

Thank you for reading, I'm working on the next chapter, but don't expect it anytime soon!