Chapter 4

The days passed.

And with the passing of that time the understanding came to Rose that she couldn't stop taking the stuff in the blue bottle, because the pain she went through when she tried wouldn't allow her to do it.

She had tried twice to go a day without the stuff but each time the pains started up again, cramps in her body like she was coming down with flu, and those pains got worse and sunk to her bones. And she couldn't lock herself away alone and shake and sweat and throw up because it wasn't a process that got easier to handle – the longer she left it, the worse it became.

Now it was dawning on her that Missy had not been lying – this stuff was dangerous, and it was addictive.

Rose blamed herself for believing otherwise when that woman had looked into her eyes and lied and lied again. It was her own fault – she knew the shock of the explosion and the worry she was going through over the Doctor was also partly to blame, but she also blamed herself for that, even though she knew she was only human and no one in her position would be able to cope without making some bad decisions, not after everything that had happened...

It hit her every morning now, the pain of what she had to live with, and most of all, the uncertainty as she wondered if the Doctor would survive.

But the upside to this was the fact that the Blue Ice helped her to cope. Her mood was lighter, she didn't cry any more. She was handling this, and would keep on handling it as best as she could. And when the Doctor woke up, he would know what to do – she would have to tell him eventually about her problem...If he ever woke up...

"I'm worried about you, love."

Rose had been making the tea in the kitchen and humming along to a song on the radio as her mother had walked in, looked at her like she didn't understand her any more and said those words.

Rose turned and smiled.

"Why?"

Jackie looked intently at her daughter, again getting that awful feeling that something was wrong, something under the surface...Rose seemed so lively, so upbeat, so confident all of a sudden, yet the Doctor's condition hadn't changed at all.

"You seem a bit too...happy."

Rose ran her fingers through her golden hair and flipped it off her face, met her mother's gaze with a dull kind of shine in her eyes and she smiled again.

"I'm fine. I thought I couldn't cope, but I can. I guess I never realised how much I could handle until this happened."

Jackie stepped closer, concern still apparent in her eyes.

"But you look tired, love. Maybe you're not getting enough sleep. And I don't like to say this, but maybe you shouldn't be sleeping next to him every night in the same bed."

"He's my boyfriend, why shouldn't I share his bed?"

Jackie gave a sigh:

This was difficult...

"I know it must bring you comfort to hold him every night but Rose, he's in a coma. I don't want you to wake up one morning and find him gone...I wouldn't want that for you, not to feel him cold in your arms -"

"Mum, stop it," she said, and she shook her head in disbelief, "His condition hasn't changed since the explosion. He could be like this for years. If that's what I have to accept, fine. I'll never give up on him."

Jackie placed her hand on her daughter's shoulder as she looked into her eyes.. She had always tried her best with Rose, and now she knew if she didn't make her face facts, she could never forgive herself. It wasn't easy, but it had to be said...

"Rose, I'm sorry love, but I don't think he's going to last for years. And even if he did, it wouldn't be fair on him to be stuck like that. I think he's already gone. You have to be prepared for the worst. You could lose him at any time."

Yesterday's buzz was wearing off and her mother's words felt painful, as if stuffed with razor blades, their edges catching her sharply. All of life was way too painful right now...

"Don't say that..."

She was thinking about that bottle of blue heavenly escape. She needed a hit. Her shaking hand reached for a mug of tea, missed and knocked it over.

"I'll take care of it," her mum said, and Rose stepped aside as Jackie began to clean up the spill.

"I'm only trying to help," she added, "You don't seem to want to accept the truth, Rose. It's going to hit you very hard when it does happen."

"It won't."

Rose was shaking inside now. She glanced at the clock on the wall:

Yes, it was time to take a hit...

"I don't want you to talk about him dying," she told her, "He's not going to die. He's going to come out of this and be okay, he has to...Sorry about the mess."

Her mum had cleaned up the spill by now.

"I'll make you another cup of tea," she said kindly, and Rose wished she hadn't sounded so very kind, too kind, like she was ready for something to happen that she couldn't even bear to think about...

Rose left the kitchen and crossed the hallway and went back into the bedroom and closed the door.

The Doctor had turned on his side - he did that sometimes, and she had given up on hoping that moving was a good sign, because he was still no closer to waking up.

She dropped to her knees on the carpet and reached under the bed and drew out the case, opened it and hit the the compartment opened she snatched out the small bottle of blue liquid and then closed the case and pushed it back under the bed.

Then Rose sat on the edge of the bed, her back to the Doctor as she uncapped the bottle and inhaled.

Relief flooded through her body, quieting the monsters that lurked in the corners of her mind, the fears that she couldn't face up to. She blinked, breathed a relieved sigh and capped the bottle and put it in her pocket. The blue haze was fading out now, but she felt warm inside and all the unbearable pain was dulling to a level she could cope with.

And it was a relief so beautiful she didn't have the words to describe it:

This wasn't a high.

She wasn't the sort of person to get high.

This was, for now, a way of coping - at least, that was the only way she could accept it. She would deal with the consequences later, because she had no other choice...

Then she got up, left the room and closed the door behind her, no longer fearing her mother's talk of the Doctor and death, because those razor blades were nicely blunted now and no words had the power to cut deep any more, at least not as long as the buzz lasted...

She went back to the kitchen and joined her mum, and as she walked in the room, Jackie looked at her in surprise:

Rose looked fine again. Too fine, and it worried her...

"Are you okay?"

"My boyfriend's in a coma but I'm coping," Rose replied brightly, and then she thanked her for the tea, picked up the mug and sipped from it.

"So what are you doing today?"

Jackie blinked and looked at her in surprise.

"I thought I might stay here because it's not right to leave you on your own to cope. You're doing way too much, Rose."

"No I'm not," Rose replied as she set the tea down, "I'm fine, mum. Look at me."

"I am," Jackie replied as concern reflected in her eyes.

Rose smiled again, and that smile almost made her eyes shine, but for the odd dullness reflected within.

"I'm fine, everything's going to be fine," she added, and then she sipped her tea again.

"How is he this morning?" her mum asked.

Rose shrugged.

"Same as usual, looking handsome as ever, and still fast asleep..." she paused for thought as the warm and relaxing buzz ran through her mind, "I don't think of him as in a coma any more. He's my sleeping prince. I wish I could wake him with a kiss, imagine how lovely that would be..."

"Well he's not," Jackie reminded her firmly as she wondered if Rose was losing touch with reality, "He is in a coma and he's not going to get better!"

"Stop worrying, mum. I can handle this. I can handle everything, I'm fine! And you should go out for a while, its not fair on you being stuck in here all the time."

"Okay Rose...I might pop to the shops in a while, but I won't be long. I think I'll just go and check on the Doctor first."

"You do that, say Hi to him," Rose replied, and she sounded as if nothing was wrong at all, and that worried Jackie far more than she cared to show.

The Doctor had been in the same deep dark place where he had been since he had chosen to put himself into the coma. Now he was cautiously rising out of that dark place, very slowly, wanting to be sure he was properly healed.

He knew this was not an easy option.

His body had worked hard while he was shut down to repair the damage, and he would feel exhausted when he finally woke. He had caught voices around him over the passing days, he knew Rose was with him, and she sounded sad. He was yet to pull his memory together to recall everything. Something had happened...a ceiling had cracked and fallen...that was still hanging there in his mind, like a prompt to remind him of the rest on waking.

He rose up through another layer of darkness, feeling aches and pains and stiffness. The last of the healing was working through him now.

He knew he would wake soon.

And there was something he was remembering and as it came to him, he wanted to wake now, because he had just recalled he had passed out before explaining everything to Rose...no wonder he had heard her crying , she didn't know he was actually in control of this, and was going to be okay.

There was no darkness around him now. It was like being deep under water and slowly rising, he was getting closer to the surface at last...

Rose was in the kitchen, she had just finished her tea and had looked out the window at the deep blue of the sky and thought of how it reminded her of happiness in a bottle:

Of course it was all going to be okay.

She felt just fine.

She didn't even resent the addiction any more.

She was starting to wonder how she ever managed without it...

"Rose!"

As her mother called to her urgently, a flicker of panic ran through her, and she dashed from the kitchen and down the hallway, and as she entered the bedroom, if not for the buzz that was keeping her together, she was sure she would have lost it and started sobbing and been useless, but she held it together, even though the Doctor was shivering and sweating and his body was shining with perspiration as his breathing grew more rapid and came in short bursts.

"I just came in and found him like this," Jackie said, and as she looked to her daughter, she knew she would not be going anywhere until this was over, because a change in his condition had to be a bad sign.

Rose took a deep breath as she tried to pull her head together and as she fought against the false sense of security that kept pushing to front of her mind, she recalled how she had sat on the bed with her back turned to the Doctor while she got high and hadn't even bothered to check on him.

That was the addiction biting at her, and she knew it.

Rose leant over him and ran her hand over his sweat dampened hair.

"It's okay, I'm here now," she promised him, and she placed her hands on his shoulders, trying to calm him as he shivered and more sweat ran down his face.

"Rose..."

She glanced over her shoulder at her mother.

"What?"

"Let me help."

"I can handle this!" she insisted, and then she sniffed.

"What's that blue stuff round your nose?"

Rose pulled back from her trembling lover and wiped her nose with the back of her hand, and was alarmed to see a trace of blue wetness there.

"Nothing...make up or something...don't worry about me, I'm fine! I need to get the Doctor cleaned up."

Jackie said something about fetching some water and then she left the room.

Rose thought again about how she had sat with her back to the Doctor as he lay locked in a coma, and then calmly got high.

She hated herself for doing it, but how could she stop now?

"I'm sorry, Doctor...this wont happen again," she whispered, watching as he continued to tremble and sweat as she felt so helpless to save him that her powerlessness terrified her.

Back at her Tardis, Missy was beginning to feel as if all possible avenues of escape were closed off:

She couldn't flee in her ship because sooner or later, that bracelet would start working properly and any how, if the Daleks wanted to, they could kill her at the touch of a button, regardless of where she fled to. They would still be able to locate her position as on Earth. But not the exact spot, not until the signal cleared. She would blame the Judoon for that, say they had affected the signal when teleporting everyone away from the bomb site...

As she looked to the darkened screen wondering when the Daleks would make contact again, she felt a creeping sense of cold anger rising through her:

They could have told her where the explosion had been planned.

She had almost been killed for taking a wander outside on that day.

But that wander had led her to the Doctor...

As she thought of him she drew in a breath as she placed her hand on her upper chest, pressing her palm flat against the thin fabric of her floral dress as she breathed out and felt a pull of yearning.

Yes, she wanted him...

And Rose Tyler had him instead.

That was more than a source of annoyance, it made Missy almost as angry as the thought that she had almost been blown up by a Dalek bomb. Then she thought of Rose and the drug and smiled as coldness shone in her eyes.

"Perhaps it won't be long," she mused, and then a smile tugged at her lips as she wondered if the Doctor would be in need of a new companion when he woke up...

It seemed like the best option, with the risk of the Judoon hunting her down if the bombers talked, leaving the Daleks with no more need for her, ironically, her old enemy was now her only hope to stand a chance of getting out of this alive:

Yes, the Doctor, who didn't yet know who Missy was, would certainly be her best chance of survival - and with looks and a body as fine as his, what a pleasure it would be, to be at his side and to take the place of Rose Tyler...

An hour had passed.

Rose was alone with the Doctor now her mother had finally listened and understood that she could handle this. Rose felt like she was in control now, although the drug was still carrying her through, her mind was clearer now.

There was nothing like a cold hard shock to bring her to reality, and finding him so unwell had given her the shock she had needed.

Now, her head was together at last.

She had just finished bathing the sweat from the Doctor's body, she had dried him off gently with a towel and then straightened the sheets, keeping them folded to his waist as the fever started to leave him. She had opened a window to let the air come in, and it was helping him, because now he wasn't burning up, and he had stopped perspiring and trembling.

As she sat beside him she watched him sleeping, and then she gently took hold of his wrist and felt his pulse. It was steady, just like his breathing.

"What ever that was," she said to him, "You're over it now."

And he gave sigh, turning his head slightly.

"I think you can hear me when you do that," she told him, and she placed her hand on the centre of his chest and ran it gently across to his shoulder, where she let it rest, her fingertips stroking his skin lightly, "Can you feel that, Doctor?"

He gave no response and she leant over him, looked at his sleeping face and then spoke softly to him again.

"I wish you could hear me."

She pressed her lips to his, a single, tender kiss. Then a flicker of sadness ran through her as she wished he could respond.

"I just want to look into your eyes one more time, I miss you so much," she said to him.

The Doctor stirred again and gave another sigh as his lips parted. His eyes were still closed and the thought of never looking into his gaze again was enough to make her heart ache, and she was sure if not for that stuff she couldn't stop taking, she would have been a sobbing wreck by now.

"Are you okay?" she asked quietly, "I just want to know its stopped hurting. I don't want you to be in pain. Did I make it all go away? I tried to, I really did..."

Then Rose lay beside him on top of the covers, and as she looked at him, as she thought how he seemed to be merely sleeping, it seemed hard to accept that he would never wake.

He gave another sigh as she shifted closer to him, and she ran her hand down his arm, sliding her fingers to the underside of his wrist once more, feeling his steady pulse.

The feel of that rhythm was as comforting as the sound of his double heart beat as she placed her head on his chest.

"No matter how long it takes," she said, "I'll look after you."

And she raised her head from his chest and looked at his sleeping face.

"It's weird, talking to you like this. It's almost like you're just having a nap or something..."

And she gave a sigh as she ran her hand over his chest again.

"I feel a bit guilty saying this, Doctor - but you know how I love to look at you in bed. And right now it's so hard to remind myself that you're not just sleeping. I know what I'd do if you was..."

She ran her hand down his firm body, now her hand was resting on his hip beneath the covers as she looked at him, wishing he would open his eyes.

"I suppose its a good thing I'm needing you so badly. It just proves what's happened hasn't changed the way I feel. I still want you, still love you..."

She ran her hand up to his chest again and leant closer, her lips touching his once more.

"I love you so much," she whispered, "But you know that...you still know that, this changes nothing. We still have each other."

And she kissed him again, this time on his cheek.

The Doctor turned his head, his lips brushed hers as his arm slid over her side.

Rose caught her breath.

"Do you know I'm here?"

His hand shifted from her hip to her lower back, were he gently rubbed at her back and shifted even closer to the warmth of her body.

"Doctor?" she said, looking at him as desperation shone in her eyes as she watched for the faintest flicker of hope that he might be waking.

He was on his side now, facing her, his arm still around her as his head rested half on the pillow and half on her shoulder.

Rose wasn't sure if she was still thinking clearly. She knew she had been making a lot of sense when she had changed the sheets and bathed away his sweat and checked his pulse and got him comfortable.

But this was something else...

She wasn't even sure if she should be kissing him and touching him like this, not under the circumstances.

But he seemed to be responding...

She didn't want to get her hopes up.

Maybe it was a coincidence.

Sometimes when she cuddled up to him at night he seemed to shift closer to her, perhaps...

No, this was different...

She turned her head and looked at him.

"Come on Doctor," she said softly, and she ran her fingers though his hair, "Please wake up, you know you can do it..."

And she kissed him again.

And just for a moment, she swore he tried to return that kiss.

Rose felt her heart start to race as her hopes began to climb with it.

"You can hear me, I know you can...it's me, its Rose.."

And she did it again, running her fingers through his silky hair as her lips touched his and she kissed him again.

She felt it happen again, his lips parted and she felt him respond, although briefly.

"Wake up!" she said impatiently, and she ran her hand over his chest, then gently kissed him again.

This time it felt like there was no response once more, but it had given her hope.

Then she heard the front door close, and she smiled as she watched him sleeping.

"Mum's back. I have to tell her the good news."

And she kissed him again, this time on his cheek, and got up from the bed and left the room.

"Mum!" she said, and Jackie dropped the shopping bags in the hallway, looking to her daughter in alarm.

"Oh no, what's happened now?" she said, hurrying up the hallway to meet her.

It was then she noticed Rose looked elated.

"Something good just happened! I was kissing him and I think the Doctor responded!"

Jackie's eyes widened.

"Oh Rose, I don't think you should be doing that to him..What else have you been doing? Don't forget, he's in a coma...You shouldn't be messing about with him like that -"

"But I think he heard me, he felt me touch him!"

"I don't want to think about what you've been doing to him, Rose! You have to stop that, it's not right..."

Jackie turned back, picked up her shopping bags and then headed for the kitchen as Rose went with her.

"But Mum, you're not hearing me...I think he's improving!"

She saw hope in her daughter's eyes and she wasn't sure whether to be glad about that or not, because the Doctor had not seemed at all responsive last time she had looked in on him.

"I think you're desperate to hope for it," she said to her, "And you're probably reading it wrong. Put the shopping away for me, I'll go in and say hello and see if he can hear me."

Rose was unpacking the shopping.

"I know I'm right," she said, "He might do it, he might wake up one day...I haven't given up hope yet."

And Jackie said nothing in reply as she left the room, wondering if her daughter's imagination had got the better of her.

As Jackie went into the bedroom, she saw the Doctor was in bed, on his side, his eyes were closed and he was breathing steadily, and she could not see any apparent change in him at all.

She went over to his bedside and spoke quietly to him.

"Doctor?" she said, "Can you hear me?"

He gave a sigh.

"Maybe not," Jackie murmured.

"Yes, yes, I can hear you," he said, and he sounded tired.

Jackie stared at him.

The Doctor opened his eyes and blinked and then he sat up stiffly, leant back against the pillows and took in his surroundings, and as he struggled to recall the details, his eyes widened in alarm as he pulled the covers up to his waist.

"You're really awake!" Jackie exclaimed.

He looked nervously at Rose's mother.

"I have no recollection of why I'm here, at least not yet," he said.

"I need to fetch Rose -"

"Wait!"

Jackie turned back and it was then she noticed how worried he looked.

"What's wrong?" she asked him.

"This is really important, I need you to tell me something," the Doctor said as he looked nervously to his girlfriend's mother, "Just be honest with me... Why am I naked and sleeping in your bed?"