... I die... ... ...I live! -'posts chapter'-... ... ...I die again...

AN: So sorry it took so long to update. Exams were trying to kill me...vicious vicious beasts. Here's a nice long chapter. And once again, thanks so much to everyone who reviewed. It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside

Chapter 6

Daniel was back in his cell, once again curled up on the hard cot residing within. He hugged his knees, rocking slightly in his anguish. He could not hold back the tears in his eyes, no matter how hard he bit his lip, but he could keep them from falling. He would not give into to that surrender. And yet, there was no hope for him…he knew that now. He had been naïve to ever think that there might have been a way for them to accept him. He had been a fool.

Once again he had nothing left to lose. But this time, there was no way out for him. He would never be forgiven for this. And if he was, he would never be treated the same. They would look upon him with suspicion and fear for the rest of his life. If he lived that long. And if Hammond told anyone…that would truly be the end of him. What agency wouldn't want to get their hands on an immortal, mutated human?

Daniel choked back a hoarse bitter laugh. What an apt description of what he was! A mutated human indeed! He had already been a lab rat for the Goa'uld, why not for the Tau'ri as well?

He was slightly surprised when Janet was the one to next enter the brig in search of him. He had assumed Jack would come down and ream him up one side and down the other, perhaps more than once. The diminutive yet elegant doctor edged closed to the cell with carefully measured steps, observing him with a very professional, reserved expression.

"Good morning, Dr. Jackson," Dr. Fraiser greeted him.

"Is it morning already?" Daniel murmured, blinking up at her.

Janet took a moment to take in his pale complexion and the dark circles that stood out like bruises underneath his eyes. He did not look well at all. Come to think of it, no one had thought to see to any of his needs. Had he even been fed since he had returned?

"Have you been sleeping?" she asked him softly.

Daniel shook his head. "I have not slept in this cell. I cannot."

"Why?"

"It reminds me of my father…or Anubis' youth. We were both punished by being locked in cells, expect they were smaller and there were no bars, only walls."

Janet was appalled. He was too frightened to sleep in the cell and no one had noticed. Come to think of it, no one had ever noticed any hint of this apparent phobia, and SG-1 had been in captive situations many times before. That was almost a testament of how little the people Daniel worked with actually noticed him. Or how much he had kept from them all.

"Have the officers on guard been giving you regular meals?" she wanted to know.

Daniel shook his head again, eyes downcast in shame. "I don't blame them. They don't want to have anything to do with me. They seem to have forgotten that I am here. I don't mind. It is better to be ignored than hated and feared."

Janet sighed audibly, gazing sorrowfully at Daniel's curled form. He had admitted himself that he was a great actor. He had fooled them all for almost five years. Was this all an act to elicit sympathy? She didn't think so. This seemed to be the real Daniel. He looked too tired to be able to keep up with his web of lies.

"Daniel…" Janet began and then paused, unsure of whether to even bother asking the question. It was not her right to ask it.

"Yes?"

In that moment she decided to dare.

"Are you our enemy? Truthfully, all lies aside."

"No, I was never your enemy. I never will be. No matter what the general decides to do with me, I am loyal to Earth. I am loyal to those I have come to love." Blue eyes peered at her tentatively. He continued on almost too quietly to hear. "You are one of those I would sacrifice for, Janet. I would always protect you. You were my friend."

"I am still your friend."

"Thank you."

"I will recommend to the general that he give you the benefit of the doubt and that you be allowed to prove yourself by your past and future actions."

"Thank you, Janet," Daniel murmured, a small smile gracing his lips.

For all his apparent weariness, that smile made him look so much better. She wished he would smile more. He rarely smiled, truly smiled. He was the master of fake smiles, but when a person was privileged enough to see one of his genuine smiles, it made the world so much brighter.

"I'll go get some food for you, Daniel. And when I come back I want to check you over."

"All right, doctor lady," Daniel whispered, holding back a chuckle at the new name he had just decided to give her.

Ten minutes later, Daniel was sitting cross-legged on the cot with a plastic tray resting in his lap. He slowly ate the food he had been brought. Janet had dragged a chair into the room and sat outside his cell, keeping him company much as Teal'c had done the night before. He wondered in the back of his mind, if the quiet Jaffa had asked Doctor Fraiser to spend the time with him, or if she was there of her own volition. Either way, it made him feel slightly better even in his dire straights.

He was picking at blue jello when the door to the brig opened, revealing General Hammond. As always, the man's face revealed nothing. He entered with the two guards outside and motioned them towards Daniel's cell. They were carrying the shackles Daniel was becoming accustomed to.

"Dr. Fraiser," Hammond greeted. "Am I interrupting anything?"

"Of course not, sir," Janet replied gracefully, but there was a hard edge to her tone. "I was just getting Daniel some food that he was in much need of."

The implications of those words were not lost on the general. He watched as Daniel was shackled and ushered out of the cell, motioning for Fraiser to follow them.

Back in the meeting room, Daniel was surprise to find that it was only the three of them.

"The rest of SG-1 will not be present for this meeting, Dr. Jackson. Please have a seat."

Daniel complied, not even daring to ask that his handcuffs be removed. Perhaps the general would not feel safe in a situation without the reassuring presence of Teal'c muscles and Jack's quick reflexes.

"Dr. Fraiser, please have a seat as well, you may stay for this interview if you wish. I would appreciate your input."

Janet took a seat closer to Daniel than anyone had dared yet to sit. It was a statement of her trust in him.

"Now, Dr. Fraiser, why was it left to you to bring Dr. Jackson food?" the general inquired.

"I discovered that the guards were not giving him anything to eat or drink. He hasn't been fed since his return."

"Is that true, Dr. Jackson?"

Daniel glanced up at him nervously. He didn't want to get the guards in trouble, but if he lied now…that could undermine any chances he had at gaining back the trust he had so hopelessly butchered all on his own.

"Yes," he finally answered. "But it's not their fault."

"I will decide what is and is not correct in this facility. The guards will be dealt with." Hammond paused, giving Daniel a long piercing look. "I brought you here to speak with you outside of the interrogation situations we have been giving you. I want to believe that you mean us no harm, but that is a very hard thing to do given the circumstance of your life."

Daniel smiled sadly at the man. "The only thing I can offer you is that I did tell you the truth about everything that I am. I could have lie, but I did not. Before this, I wanted so badly for no one to know, but I still never truly lied because no one ever truly asked."

"How long had you been in contact with the System Lords while working in this facility?"

"The summit meeting at which SG-1 discovered me is the first meeting I have held in years. The device I used to transport off planet broke shortly before I returned from Abydos. I managed to fix it not long ago."

"What kind of device do you have that can transport you all the way across the galaxy without the aid of a Stargate?"

"It is a piece of Ancient technology that I picked up in the first years of my travel, when Anubis and I were first joined. It can get me only to my planet, from there I could call meeting or travel to others at my whim."

"Why didn't you return from this meeting?"

"When I departed, I am assuming that the device on this end was broken again. I was not able to return and I did not have a GDO to use to get through the iris, even if I would have been able to explain coming through, I would have been reduced to nothingness."

"What is this device?"

"It's two devices, one on this end and one on my planet. They are as small as a large amulet. They are stationary, but will transport matter touching one to the other."

Hammond nodded, clenching his jaw for a moment, as if his own resolve were being tested.

"You have a lot to answer for, Dr. Jackson," the general stated, his pale blue eyes unwavering as they bore into Daniel's own.

"I know."

"Then let us start at the beginning. What happened with Ra?"

Daniel closed his eyes, leaning back in his chair. Time to tell his stories again…but different stories than he had ever told. Truthful stories were about to be uttered from his lips once again. What had the world come to?

"When I went to Abydos with Jack and the others, I was not aware that it was one of Ra's worlds. He had abandoned it at one point. I had not expected him to take it back, and especially without informing me. It was a shock when he arrived. I panicked, so I stuck to playing the helpless archeologist. But it should be noted that I did get away from Ra and I did lead to his destruction. I just did it in a round about way that led no one to believe I was capable of defending myself."

"And then you decided to stay on Abydos after that?"

"Yes. I could travel easily to the System Lords from Abydos. I would not have to rely on my transporter, which I took with me. And…there was Sha're. I would have given everything up for her…I would have let Anubis die for her. I was happy there. I could have stayed there forever, but…when Jack came back through, I knew that I couldn't just stand by and watch Apophis destroy what I loved. And then…he took her. I could have saved her. All I had to do was approach him in the guise of Anubis and demand that Amaunet release her host. But by that time, the transporter was broken. I couldn't just leave through the Stargate, I didn't have a chance. So I bided my time until I would be able to get her back without raising suspicions about myself. That was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. Not even lying to you is as bad as that."

Daniel gave them a weak smile, shaking his head in defeat. The sorrow in his eyes was tangible.

"When I saw her again on Abydos, pregnant with Apophis' child, I thought I would be able to save her then. But once again I waited too long. I could not force Amaunet out while she was sleeping, and then Apophis managed to take her away before I could make my move once again. I swore it was the last time I would make that mistake, my incessant waiting. I was wrong again. I am such a fool. The last time I saw her, I almost had her. I had already decided, while she held me within the throws of her ribbon device, that I would reveal myself to her and take her back. The minute she let up, I would have forced Amaunet out…but you know me, always waiting. Teal'c came in. I could not stop him. And now she's dead because of my mistakes. I do not blame Teal'c. He could never have known. I can only blame myself. I was ready to leave after that. I had every intention of giving up on the System Lords, giving up on the SGC. I wanted nothing to do with this world anymore…but Sha're…she was right. I had to forgive and I had to find the Harcesis. She was always stronger than I was. She knew I had to keep going. She did not know about my being Anubis, but she knew I was not as young as I claimed to be. She could sense that I was always lying, but she didn't mind. That's how strong she was."

Daniel's voice trailed off as he stared absently down at his clasped, shackled hands. The sadness in the air around him was almost palpable. The lights seemed dimmer and the silence stretched on as if it would last forever.

"Will he ever understand?" Daniel asked quietly, still not looking up. They all knew who he was talking about. It was as plain as day that the one man Daniel wanted forgiveness from the most was the one least likely to give it.

General Hammond regarded the archeologist with regret, sighing his answer. "I don't know"

"Will you?"

The question was blunt…and yet, the anguish with which Daniel spoke them made the general force himself not to give in to his paternal instinct to bundle Daniel up in his arms and comfort him like a child.

"I will make that decision when this meeting is over. I will give you your answer then. I have a few more questions to ask you."

Daniel gave him a tiny, knowing smile, a promise of forgiveness in advance.

"Ask what you will of me," Daniel bade him.

"I would like to bring SG-1 in for the remainder of the meeting," Hammond informed him.

Daniel nodded, and watched numbly as Sam, Jack, and Teal'c entered the room. Teal'c nodded in his direction, trust in his dark eyes. Sam gave him a tiny, worries smile. And Jack…Jack didn't even look at him. Not once. Daniel closed his eyes in despair.

"Dr. Jackson," General Hammond called his attention back. "In the reports given to me by SG-1, it was observed that you rather blatantly caused harm using both ribbon devices to the Goa'uld you referred to as Baal. Why was this?"

Daniel gave a rye bark of laughter, shaking his head. "Baal is a very…impertinent man. He thinks he knows everything. He dared to speak against me and that is something that cannot be allowed if I am to survive in their midst. I have no one to protect me when I am traveling among them, so I have to keep them in fear of me to be able to have any impact."

"What impact?" Jack spat, eyes flashing with anger. "All I see is you gallivanting around dishing out punishment to those who annoy you, then sending them home to wreak havoc on their enslaved worlds!"

Daniel was one his feet in a flash, his narrowed eyes flaring so brightly that the pupils could not even be seen. His face contorted in a vicious snarl, an expression so unlike the Daniel they knew.

"How dare you!" Daniel hissed, venom lacing his words. "How dare you imply such a thing?"

"Dr. Jackson," Hammond tried to stop him from going off. It did not have the desired results.

"Oh, don't you 'Dr. Jackson' me, you fool! I am far older than any of you will ever be. Take the time to listen to what I have to say rather than your prejudices against what you don't understand! I have made progress in taking out some of the Goa'uld power bases. There are not as many System Lords as there once were. But yes, I do bide my time. I have to have a reason to see a System Lord executed or the remaining Lords will turn against me. The System Lords you have faced thus far are not the most powerful there are. You would not have survived against the ones I have rid myself of. Were you to go up against me as a System Lord, and my peers, who are all now dead, you would suffer a quick and humiliating defeat. Be thankful I am on your side, though you don't believe that is true. And be thankful that I have already rid this galaxy of those who could crush you with a thought."

"What about Hathor?" Jack demanded. "You nearly let her take over the base!"

Daniel had the grace to look sheepish as he slowly sat back down, his shoulders hunched forward, his head down. He looked like a kid who had just gotten caught in the proverbial cookie jar.

"I've…um…always had a weakness to Hathor…"

Everyone just stared at him. Daniel shifted uncomfortably.

"Are you saying that her pheromones really worked that well on you?" Sam asked, her face disbelieving. "I thought the Goa'uld were not affected by her."

"Well…" Daniel bit his lip, looking ashamed. "I was completely under her power," he finally admitted. "More so than most. It was ironic that she chose me as her Beloved. She was in love with Anubis, but she did not know I was him. She knows Anubis is susceptible to her pheromones, but she would never dare use them on him. She pumped me so full of them that I could hardly see straight. I fought back at first, but I failed. I knew I would. You would have been glad to know that, even if she had survived, none of the larvae she birthed would have. They would have died in a week or two. My DNA cannot be used to create Goa'uld, something from the experiments done on me. Eventually, she would have discovered that I could not support her children and she would have released me from her power to torture me. At that time I would have revealed myself as Anubis and taken control of the situation." He closed his eyes. "She would have cowered at my feet at the mere shadow of my fury."

The group stared for a long time at the man sitting in front of them. His face was set in a look of resignation and had the grace to look contrite. He was trying to make himself look small again, and he was succeeding. Cookie jar boy had just morphed into little lost toddler.

"I'm sorry," Daniel's sudden whisper almost went unheard.

"For what?" the general asked.

"I'm not who you wanted me to be. I'm not who you thought I was." Tears stung at his eyes for umpteenth time in so few days. He had not had tears in his eyes this often since he was a child so long ago. The next step was to actually cry. He didn't see that happening in the near future. No, he would not allow that. "I gave you who you wanted for five years…but it was never enough. It was only a matter of time, I know. You would have abandoned me eventually. I am not needed here. The only thing I can ask of you is that, if you are going to imprison me, if you are going to turn me over to the government, then, please, kill me now. I do not want to be experimented upon ever again."

"No one's going to kill you, Dr. Jackson," Hammond stated.

"It is a better solution than Area 51!"

"It seems you have already resigned yourself to this fate."

Daniel almost laughed at that.

"What other fate could there be? I will not delude myself into false hope. Fate has never been kind to me. You are a military general of a belligerent self-serving nation. They would never allow my release."

Janet reached out across the table and gently took Daniel's hand in hers. She smiled at him and he stared back with wide eyes. She was touching him…she cared.

"For all intents and purposes, Dr. Jackson," Hammond stated. "You are still the same man that this government hired five years ago. If it is permissible with SG-1, I will speak with the President about allowing you to stay on at the SGC."

Daniel flinched as Jack pushed his chair violently back and stalked out of the room. Hammond's sharp call of Jack's rank did not stop the colonel from slamming the door shut behind him.

And once again, all was left to despair.

Daniel hung his head in abject misery and tried in vain to shut the world out, hope of salvation feeling with the slamming of that door. Even if he stayed…who would ever want him?

"I would be pleased if DanielJackson were permitted to remain at this facility. It is my honor to serve with him in any endeavors." Teal'c voice roused him from his torment.

"He should stay," Sam agreed.

"It is my opinion that Daniel is an asset to the SCG in all ways. He is not a danger to us. He had proven himself time and time again. Give him more time and he will prove himself again," Janet commented.

Daniel stared at them all in wonder, a look of shock on his face.

"We'll talk to the Colonel," Sam promised.

"I would like to take Daniel to the Infirmary, sir," Janet spoke up again, patting the hand she had never released. "He is not doing as well as I would like."

"Very well," Hammond agreed. "You are all dismissed. We will meet again after I have spoken wit the President."

With that, the general left, the guards entering the room to retrieve Daniel. Sam smiled at him before silently leaving. Teal'c gave him another of those grave, respectful nods.

Janet was helping him to his feet and happily latched onto his arm.

"Come on, Daniel. I'll make you get sleep if I have to drug you to do it."

And for the second time that day, Daniel truly smiled.