FADE INTO LIGHT
3
"I brought you something," she said when she walked into the door the next evening. Kate moved over to the couch and sank into it, patted the cushion next to her.
"Come sit with me."
He appeared by her side, sat down beside her. She dug her fingers into her briefcase that she had placed next to her ankles, and pulled a slim rectangular frame from its depths. Sitting up straight, she seemed to be holding her breath as she turned over the frame and presented it to him.
Tears sprang to his eyes and he abstractly thought that he didn't know he could still cry, that he could still feel the heat of the salty trails as they coursed down his cheeks.
"It's the best one I could find," she said quietly, almost apologetic and he didn't understand why.
"It's- It's perfect," he whispered, reverently traced his fingers across the image. It was a publicity photo, taken at one of his last book parties - his mother, Martha, framing him to one side, Alexis on the other, in that green pea coat that brought out the vibrancy of her hair. They were smiling, all three of them. Happy.
"Not everything had been perfect, you know," he explained, not sure whether he was telling Kate, or reminding himself. Remembered nights, weeks, months of writers block, bad reviews that dragged him down, a string of flings with women who cared only about his money, the unfortunate incidences where he'd acted first and thought later, and the subsequent, unflattering coverage in the society pages.
"But this here, this- It made everything worthwhile." He swallowed, blinked the sheen from his eyes that had clouded his view like a curtain. Kate was smiling softly, warmth and understanding in her gaze and more than anything he wanted to feel her palm curved to his cheek in comfort, to tug her into his arms, and never let her go.
"They're doing okay," she said at last, and his mouth fell open, his heart hammering against his ribs.
"Alexis lives with Martha. They have a two bedroom apartment in So-Ho. Martha has opened a small acting school. It's pretty successful already, and she dedicated it to you. There's a plaque in the entrance foyer, with a picture of you, and a quote from one of your books." There was a small grin in her voice and he had to laugh with her, despite the pain of missing his mother.
"Alexis goes to her same school, her grades are still good, and she's joined the after-school writing club as well." He smiled, filled with pride at his smart, resilient child.
"She looked alright."
"You saw her?"
"Yeah," she nodded. "I hung out near her school for a while this afternoon, waited until classes let out and she was walking out. She's sad, I could tell she was, but she has her friends, and your mother. She was holding up okay."
He gulped down the knot in his throat, nodding, choked on his words. "Thank you, Kate."
"Of course."
They sat in silence, with only the flame of the gas fireplace crackling like background music. At last Kate rose, stepping over to the piano. She sat the black frame on top of the gleaming black surface.
"How about right here?"
He nodded, missing them so much that everything hurt, in ways he didn't know he could hurt.
"Perfect."
She couldn't stop crying, the night that she had to shoot Dick Coonan. It was the first time ever that he stepped into her bathroom. He watched her scrub her hands under running water until they looked red and raw.
"It wasn't your fault," he murmured soothingly. "You had no choice." It'd been Espo or Coonan, she had told him between heart-wrenching sobs when she'd come home, and his heart was cracking open for her. He knew what it meant for her - the only lead to her mother's murder, and he had died, taking all his answers with him.
She kept scrubbing at her hands and he reached over, turned off the faucet. "You did the right thing."
Kate sobbed, stumbled backwards against the bathroom wall, and sank down the cool tiles to the floor.
"I wish I could see you," she whispered, her forehead sinking to her knees. She looked forlorn, and so small. He'd never once thought of her as small; she wasn't invulnerable but she was strong, always stood tall. Yet huddled against the wall, her arms clasped around her knees she looked young and small and he would've done anything and everything he could to help her - to give her strength, and peace, and answers; to make her happy.
He flipped off the main light, plunged the bathroom into complete darkness. Next he turned on the shower, ran the water on full hot, until steam was billowing through the room in large swirling clouds. He didn't know if this was going to work, but he lit the candles that were grouped together on her counter - one, two, three. The flickering light barely cut through the thick humid fog, leaving the room in a yellow, soupy haze.
"Castle." She gasped, her voice almost toneless, as if anything louder than a whisper would break the magic between them. "I see you. I can see you." Kate kept staring at him as he approached her, sank down next to her, her eyes wide with astonishment.
And then she barreled into him with a sob, her arms winding around his shoulders, fingers gripped to his neck and the back of his sweater. "Rick."
He caught her, wrapped his arms around her and dragged her into his chest, marveling at the fact that he could feel her, actually feel her in his arms, so lithe and warm and strong, the beat of her heart rapid where he could feel it against his skin.
"Shhhh," he hummed, ran his fingers up and down her back, up and down, soothing her until her tears ran dry and her sobs calmed to quiet hiccups.
"You'll get them some day, Kate." She pulled away slightly, her forehead sinking to his. "You'll get them."
Kate had a date. Lanie had set her up with some firefighter, featured as Mr. June in the calendar and she really, really didn't want to go - but what was she going to tell her friend? That she'd rather be at home with her ghost friend with whom she might be in love?
Her eyes flew open and she stared at herself in the mirror. Was she falling in love with Rick? Her heart was racing and she rose her hand to her chest, trapped the heavy beat beneath her fingertips.
"Wow. You look amazing," he said once she stepped out her bedroom. She felt herself blushing, bit her lip as she looked down at her red dress that swirled around her thighs, the hem caressing just above the knees.
"Thank you."
She stood frozen in her entryway, didn't feel ready to go though she knew that she should. She wondered if he was staring at her, if his eyes were tracing the length of her legs, her dress as it curved over her hips, her naked shoulder left free by the fabric.
"I- I should really go."
"Yeah." He cleared his throat. "You should go."
Castle roamed the loft, restlessly tracked from room to room, up the stairs then back down, in and out of the kitchen, the living room, the office. Time seemed to lose all meaning as he waited for her to come home. Jealousy churned in his stomach, even though he tried to push it down, tried to deny its existence. He had no right to be jealous, no right to her. He was-
He was in love with her. Hopelessly, in that forever kind of way.
He loved her.
He curled up on her bed, buried his nose in her pillow where the cherry scent was strongest, and it made him feel warm and at home and so unbelievably happy.
She deserved to be happy, too. She deserved everything beautiful that the world could give her, deserved to be loved and treasured and taken care of, even when she could take care of herself just fine.
And he could never be the man who'd give her all of that. He was- a ghost, a specter, a soul or spirit; even he couldn't tell what he was. He no longer existed. He wouldn't be able to make her happy, he could never really have her.
The front door slammed shut and he startled into awareness, made his way to the entry.
"How was your date?"
"Total bust." She grinned, didn't seem too bothered and he had to try hard not to let the joy he felt resonate in his voice. "Boring, and completely self-involved."
"You took off your dress!"
"Don't sound so shocked." He heard the teasing in her voice. "Had to go back in to work; we had a break-through." She lifted a paper sack into sight. "Just picked myself up some dinner at Remy's."
"Burger and a strawberry milkshake?"
"You got it."
He kept her company while she ate her late dinner, listened to her voice as she told him about her latest case, half-drowning in the sweet melody of her inflections. She was so beautiful when she spoke, animated and passionate, her eyes sparkling and her hands gesticulating with her words.
Yet he couldn't forget his earlier realization, told himself that he could never forget again that she needed, deserved to have a life apart from him, without him.
"You deserve to be happy, Kate," he said, and her eyes startled up to his, her mouth open. He wanted nothing more than to lean in and kiss her, taste the strawberry shake on her lips. It was tearing him apart but he had to- He had to.
"I can't be that man for you."