Elladan.
Glorfindel is an early riser. He is up with the dawn, whereas I am not so inclined to move.
"I fancy a walk," he says, "Will you come?"
I groan and turn my back on him. He knows he is unlikely to get a positive answer to that question.
"I will go by myself then." He laughs and sits to strap up his boots.
The knock on the door surprises both of us. It is loud and insistant. Is something wrong?
Glorfindel goes to answer as I get up. The urgency of the sound makes me nervous.
It is Legolas.
He stands there pale and wild eyed, in obvious distress, Glorfindel leads him inside.
"Legolas, are you well?" He enquires though it is obvious he is not. He looks at Glorfindel, but does not see him, it as if he looks through him. It is to me that he speaks.
"I cannot bear it. Please take it away!"
I know what it is he speaks of, it is obvious, he reeks of the sea.
"Can you help me Elladan?" He pleads.
Glorfindel looks at me with serious eyes. He knows of the connection Legolas and I share, the connection through the sea longing. I have spoken to him about it often. He knows what it is Legolas asks of me.
"Be careful Elladan," he says quietly "can you handle this?"
"Do not worry," I reassure him, "I have done this before."
"I will leave you then...if you are sure?" he says but he is concerned, I know it. Something bothers him.
Legolas leans against the wall, forehead pressed against the cool stone and as the door shuts behind Glorfindel he raises his head to look at me.
"I am so tired." It is all he says and I believe him, he looks exhausted.
"I can not do this any more." A thrill of fear runs through me. He cannot sail, for if he does my brother will be left alone and grieving.
"You cannot leave Legolas," I gasp, horrified. "You have always promised Elrohir you would not."
"I did not know it would be like this!" He cries, "It gives me no peace." He sinks back against the wall and slides to the floor burying his head in his hands.
"It is too much!"
I sit beside him and place an arm around him,
"I will help," I say but the truth is I am afraid. I have never seen him this distressed and I wonder if this may be beyond me.
"We will work something out, I can make this better, I will make sure you are able to stay."
"I cannot come running to Imladris everytime the sea calls," he snaps, "You are too far away."
"I will ease it now, Then when things are clearer for you, then we can talk." There is no talking to him now, he is far too distressed. "Let me in," I say, "Let me in."
And he does, far too eager, far too quickly he grasps at me and I am unprepared. He sucks me in before I am anywhere near ready.
The sea roars around me. It is everywhere and I am drowning in it. I thrash against it, choking, struggling to keep my head above water, I will surely drown in this.
I panic, and I can not see Legolas within this tumultuous sea. I cry his name with desperation, where is he? Where is he? And I understand. He cannot stay, not like this. How does he survive this? At last I feel the touch of a hand, the brush of his fingers and I clasp them desperately. Now I can see him and he is drowning, eyes wide and desperate.
What can I do? This is too much for me to control. I cannot change this. The sea overwhelms me, it is far to dangerous, far too wild. I can think of only one thing to do. I must take on some of his sea myself and so I reach for it, grasp it hold it too me. I take his burden and laden it onto my fea. I do not stop to think what this will mean for me, I have to do this for my brother. I have to find a way to make it possible for Legolas to stay.
The slap when it comes is stinging, It burns across my cheeks and jerks my head to the side. Someone is screaming my name,
"Elladan!, Elladan!"
Another slap even harder than the last and I gasp in pain as I am wrenched from the sea, Legolas disappears from my grasp and he is gone, the sea is gone. All is quiet and I am in pieces.
I open my eyes and the rooms spins around me, where am I? Finally I focus on the face in front of me, it is Estel and he is furious. My gaze slides behind him to Elrohir, white faced, rigid, frightened.
"What are you doing?!"
"Saving your friend," I try to answer but my mind will not think, my tongue will not move. I am scattered on the wind. The words come out garbled and nonsensical. I remember Legolas and turn my head towards him but he leans against me and his wide open eyes are blank and empty. Where is he? Have I lost him forever in there?
"You should not have done that!" I cry to Estel but my tongue is numb and clumsy and I do not even know if he can understand me. I am terrified.
Estel's temper is running wild.
"How long? How long Elladan." He shakes me in his rage and I struggle to push him off, even my limbs do not obey me, "How long have you had the sea longing? Why have you not told me?"
"Leave me," I mumble and I think it makes sense, "Let me find myself." I shut my eyes to shut him out, breathing heavily as I wait for my wits to return. He must have understood me because he stills and sits silent before me. I do not know how long it takes before the pieces that are myself return but behind them all I hear the sea and it is loud...so loud. It is not my sea.
When I begin to feel in control I open my eyes again and turn to Legolas. It is such a relief to see him blinking slowly, trying to focus, at least he has returned but I can tell he is as scattered and as disjointed as I.
I clasp his face between my hands clumsily,
"Are you there Legolas? Are you safe?"
He attempts to answer me and fails but I do get a nod and it is enough. I place my arm around him and pull him too me in an attempt to protect him while he gathers himself.
Estel has lost his patience, he grasps my arm and it is not kindly.
"Are you insane?"
"Are you?" I snap back, "You could have killed him!"
"I was trying to reach you. You were lost to us."
"You should not meddle in things you do not understand!" I am angry now.
"Do you understand it?" He sneers. His words are biting...and true, I did not understand what I had attempted to do. I am not about to admit that though.
"How long have the two of you been indulging in this folly?" He is so angry but I know behind it all is fear.
"He was suffering and I can help him. Would you have me turn away? Do not forget for who's sake he remains here!" That was a low blow and unfair I know but I will defend myself however I can.
He pales at that but continues to attack.
"You have done this before haven't you? With no one around. It could have ended in disaster. Why didn't you tell me, tell Elrohir?"
"Because you would react like this...and Elrohir would be terrified, I didn't tell you because I didn't have the strength to!" At the mention of my brother I remember he was here and search the room for him. I cannot see him.
"Where is Elrohir?"
"He has gone." Estel says bitterly, "and I am sure he is in a fine state."
Beside me Legolas stirs, he is trying to speak and I bend my head towards him but I struggle to hear what he says, his words are thick and jumbled. He tries again, shaking his head in frustration as he forces the words out.
"Go ...to...him."
He worries for Elrohir and so do I but I am reluctant to leave him while he is not himself. He pushes me off him, but it is less a push than a pointless flailing of his arms.
"Aragorn is here." He says more clearly and in his eyes I see Legolas, not the confusion of earlier. He does return.
I turn to Estel,
"I must go to him. Can I trust you to protect Legolas until he is more together?"
"Of course!" He snaps and his eyes flash. "What do you take me for?"
"You caused this by interfering!" I counter angrily.
"You caused this with foolish risk taking!" He may be right, I knew Legolas was perhaps too distressed for me to manage. I should at least have asked Glorfindel to remain.
Standing as it turns out is not easy and walking even less so. I would call what I manage more of a stagger. I feel drunk as I stumble out of the room. I fix Estel with a baleful stare as I leave. I am still angry at the distress he has inflicted upon us, even unintentionally. By the time I reach Elrohir's room I have at least managed to work out how to place one foot in front of another. Legolas's sea is a dull roar at the back of my consciousness and it drains me. I wonder how long it will remain, am I stuck with it forever?
I hear my brother before I even enter. He is in a rage. I hear the crash of furniture as he overturns it. Elrohir always deals with his fear with anger. He is out of control and I wonder if I will be able to rein him in this time. I open the door with apprehension and duck as a glass flies towards me.
"Go away," he cries, "Leave me alone! You will anyway."
"I will never leave you." I say quietly. The room is a mess, he has destroyed it.
"Stop Elrohir, stop this, it does not help."
And he does, but I think only because he has nothing else to smash. He is shaking.
"Why you?" He says in agony, "Why you? Do the Valar hate me that much? What have I done?"
"It is not about you Elrohir," I say tentatively, "and I will not go. You do not have to fear this."
"Do not lie! Do you think me stupid? I see how Legolas struggles to remain."
"It is different for me, my sea is quieter, not the same as his. Perhaps it is my Noldor blood that tempers it?" It is not quieter at the moment, it is a vicious thing pounding in my ears but I do not tell him that.
He stills, breathing heavily and stares at me asking the same question Estel did.
"Why did you not tell me? Why did Legolas know this and not me?"
"Because it would hurt you." I say, "as it is hurting you now. Legolas found out accidently, when he was injured in Minas Tirith and you were not there. I asked him to say nothing, do not blame him."
"Why does he go to you for help and not turn to me? I asked him what was wrong, he lied to me."
"He knows the sealonging hurts you. He protects you...and I can help him."
"I knew something had changed between you." He mutters bitterly, then he turns his back on me.
"Go away Elladan. I need to be on my own to think."
"This is hardly thinking," I indicate the destruction around me.
"It is the way I think."
"It is the way you destroy yourself." I am not willing to leave him.
"Who are you to tell me how to feel?" He cries and he is weeping, he is disintegrating before my eyes.
I say the only thing I can say,
"I am your brother."
And I do what I should have done the moment I arrived here. I cross the floor, one, two, three paces until I am before him.
I take him in my arms, I hold him.
"You will never lose me Elrohir."
But the sea laughs at me in my mind. Already I am sick of it.
What have I done?