Elladan.
"I will come with you." Elrohir says and I cannot believe what I am hearing, he has not just said that, he will not leave me. Legolas too struggles, he shakes his head in denial and confusion.
But Elrohir repeats himself and I hear him clearly.
"I will come with you."
I gasp and Estel beside me whispers urgently,
"What does he say?"
I turn to him, my heart pounding, this cannot be happening.
"He says he will leave with him." It is all I can do to say those words.
I watch the colour drain from his face.
"No." He tries to deny it too, I do not blame him, for him it would be a permanent goodbye. I realise with a sudden clarity why Glorfindel had been so insistant on accompanying me. He did not think me incompetent, he did not doubt my abilities, he knew. He knew this was a possibility. He worried for me not my brother.
I wish he was here.
Legolas is not accepting of Elrohir's offer,
"You cannot do this" I hear him say. "You do not mean it, you are not ready."
But Elrohir insists, I cannot see his face. I wish I could see his face.
"I do mean it. I am ready. I will see my father Legolas, I will see my mother." He folds his tongue around her name as if it is a prayer.
I feel a surge of anger then, how dare Legolas do this to me, how dare he take my brother from me? How can I survive here without him? But I cannot follow, I know I am not ready, I cannot leave my sister, my little brother, I cannot leave them. How can he?
The sea pounds in my ears and assails me, it seeks out my anger and uses it to insist I too go but at it's sound my anger fades. How can Legolas stay? How can he stay and live with this burden?
Legolas looks up, he looks straight at me. I see the tears on his cheeks, I see his haunted eyes and I cry out to him silently,
"Do not take him. Do not take him from me for I cannot bear it."
He stands tense and still and looks. He looks at me as if he can see to the heart of it is as if I hear his voice, as if he has heard my desperate plea.
"I will not let him do this." It sounds in my head as clear as if he is standing next to me, I put my hand to my head, I look at Estel to see if he has heard it too. He has not.
Legolas' face is unreadable, inscrutable but a resolution flickers behind his eyes. He has made a decision, I do not know what but I find out soon enough. He turns back to my brother and backs away.
"I am not what you think." He says quietly, "You will not wish to do this when you know."
Elrohir advances,
"You are who I love. There is nothing you can tell me that will change my mind."
It is then I know what he intends, a split second before he speaks it and I cry out,
"No, Legolas!"
It startles my brother beside me but Legolas does not so much as give me a glance.
"I have slept with Elladan."
He seeks to turn my brother against him. The only way to change his mind, to enrage him so that he will stay.
And to do so he has thrown me to the wolves.
...
Legolas.
Despite my determination when I left Imladris I find I cannot do it, I cannot leave without seeing him. He may not need me, he may not want me but I need him. I want him. I take my time, I allow him to catch me. I only hope he is looking.
And he is, he finds me. He tells me he loves me. He tells me he regrets his words, he didn't mean them, he still loves me but I know he will not love me when he knows the truth. That is even clearer to me now and one day the truth will undo me. I cannot stay here to wait for that to happen. It will destroy me. For the first time in my life I run. I, who have never run from danger. Who has always faced adversity with courage as my father taught me, I run.
So when he begs me to reconsider I stay firm. I will not stay to watch the destruction of our relationship. I cannot do it. He knows all my weaknesses though and he uses them.
"What of Estel and Gimli?" He asks me and I look to them, down the road where they wait, watching. What of them? Can I leave them? I will never see them again. Never. I hesitate, the choice is agonising...but my Father waits for me across the sea, my Father who I miss with a physical ache. I want to see him. I want him to hug away my hurts as he did when I was a child. There is so much here which hurts me. It overwhelms me, I want him to take them all away. When I was young I believed he could mend the world, a part of me still does. The more unhappy I get the more I need him.
It is this I try to tell Elrohir,
"I am unhappy," I say and he knows, he does know, he tells me so.
He comes towards me and cups my face in his hand. I lean in to his touch, his love warms me and almost, almost I give in. I want him so.
"I will come with you."
At first I do not understand. I have heard him wrongly for I am sure he has not just said that. I am hearing things, imagining it. Then he repeats it and there is no doubt.
"I will come with you."
He cannot mean that! He is not ready to sail I know that, he does not have a longing to depart. He has too many he loves here. I tell him so,
"You are not ready."
But he swears it is true,
"I will see my father Legolas, I will see my mother." And I remember that he too has a Father across the sea. Does he yearn for him as I do mine? We have never discussed it.
Hope surges within my heart. Is this possible, could it be that we could do this together? Oh how wonderful it would be if I could sail with him. I feel the beginnings of elation, a brief moment when I allow myself to believe we could make this work.
Then I see Elladan.
He stands behind Elrohir further down the road and his face is a picture of devastation. As I look at him it is as if I can see right into his soul, he is distraught, bereaved.
"Do not take him from me for I cannot bear it." I hear his words crystal clear in my head. I know they are words only for me, Elrohir has not heard them. And I realise my fantasy of sailing with Elrohir is just that, a fantasy. I cannot do this for if my separation from my father is so traumatic how much worse Elrohir's separation from his twin. He will mourn him deeply, he will not be Elrohir without Elladan. I do him a massive disservice by even thinking we could do this.
And what of Elladan? I owe him a debt. He has taken the sea from me and I cannot imagine why he has done that. You could barely describe us as friends, for so long we have been at each other's throats and yet he has taken my burden without hesitation. Would I have done the same for him? I cannot take his brother from him I know that much.
"I will not let him do this." I tell him but that is easier said than done. Elrohir is determined and Elrohir when he is like that will not be turned. My Elrohir is all fire and strength. He burns, how he burns, it is why I am drawn to him. At times I cannot take my eyes from him so glorious is his light, so brightly he shines. When he has come to a decision he will not back down, he will not change his mind. He is the rock to which I cling but he is stubborn, oh so stubborn. Having told me he will do this he will not easily let me down.
I flick through options in my mind. What can I do to ensure he stays behind, to ensure he will not follow me and I can think of only one. I must make him hate me. I must make him never wish to follow. I must tell him the truth. Oh how it hurts, the idea of doing this. For years I have attempted to hide from my misdeeds. For years I have cringed in fear of what will result from his discovery of them. But Elladan! My father's voice echo's in my mind, 'A child of the woods always pays his debts.' I will not let him down.
I will pay my debt. I will take this mortal blow.
I back away from his love, his light. Is this the last time he will look at me with love in his eyes? My heart breaks, It splinters right there before me.
"I am not what you think. You will not want to do this when you know."
Please believe me Elrohir, please don't make me say this. Please.
Of course he does not believe.
"You are who I love. There is nothing you can tell me that will change my mind."
I close my eyes. I must do this, I must do this. Say it Legolas, say it.
"I have slept with Elladan."
At first he looks at me in confusion. He does not understand this, he cannot comprehend it and I am forced to repeat myself, this time softly.
"I have slept with Elladan." Every word is a dagger.
Now it hits home, his eyes widen in shock and he spins round, staring, staring at his brother. The truth is there for him to see in Elladan's horrified face. It seems forever that he looks at him but when he turns back to me his eyes are filled with pain and betrayal.
Now it comes, now I will lose him.
"You see," I murmer, "I have betrayed you. You do not want me, I am not worthy of this sacrifice you offer me."
His eyes flash with anger then, this is what I expected.
"Do not tell me who I love and what I want!" He snarls.
He advances towards me and I brace myself for the blow that is to come be it from words or fists, I deserve this. I deserve everything he throws at me. So many hours have I spent imagining this moment in my mind. I stand firm, only my shaking hands give me away.
Then Elrohir takes those hands whose trembling betrays my distress. I look into his face and my tears burn a track down my face.
"I am sorry." It is not enough but what else can I say. "I understand you cannot want me now."
And then he speaks,
"I do not care."
He means he does not care for me, my mind explains, but no.
"I do not care Legolas, who you have slept with. This changes nothing."
This is not how it should go. This is not what he should say. I have imagined this, I know how much he should hate me. And yet he holds my hands firm.
"I will not abandon you."
The relief when I understand him is enormous. A wave of it engulfs me and leaves me undone. He will not leave me. He knows and he will NOT leave me.
I am gasping for breath and my legs refuse to hold me upright. I find myself on my knees. He will not leave me. He is beside me then and speaking but I cannot hear him through the buzzing in my ears. He will not leave me. His face swims before me as I peer through the black spots that suddenly crowd my vision. What is wrong with me? I realise I am about to faint but how I know that I do not know, I have never fainted before in my life.
The last thought as I struggle to see, to hear, to stand is that I will never live this down.