Legolas.
When I come back to myself Aragorn is the first person I see and I panic, I am ashamed of that but panic is the only thing to call it. I think Elrohir has gone, that he has realised what I have said and left me and that thought is a black well of misery within me.
Of course he has not gone anywhere he is right next to me but not until he holds me can I calm myself. I feel no animosity emanating from him, only love and concern and it confuses me.
Aragorn gives me a long hard look.
"What happened?" He asks me, "how are you feeling?"
"Well." I say although I am shaking and oddly lightheaded. "I am well."
"You will have to try harder than that to get me to believe you Legolas." he sees right through me.
"It was nothing." I am not going to give him the satisfaction of admitting all is not well although I am not myself, my thoughts flit across my mind in disorganised chaos. I cannot catch them to make sense of any of it and I do not understand why I am so out of control. I feel like crying but I will not do that. Aragorn would never leave me alone then.
He gazes at me in disbelief but to my relief appears to give up. I have no doubt he will revisit this however, he will not let me off so easily.
He sits back on his heels,
"It is getting late. We will make camp here I think and that includes you. I am not in the mood to chase you any further this evening."
And truth be told I am no longer in the mood to run. I have no idea what I will do in the end but I am not in the state to think about it now.
"As you wish." I tell him and his eyes widen in surprise, he expected more of a fight I think but I do not have the energy to give him one.
Aragorn proceeds to treats me as an invalid. I am made to sit and watch while the others busy themselves with what needs to be done. Normally I would cajole, argue, outright disagree and refuse to be sidelined but this time I don't. I feel strangely fragile, as if with the wrong word, the wrong look I will disintergrate. And so I do sit and watch, I notice Gimli avoids me, avoids my eyes. I have hurt him by leaving without seeing him. I do not know what I should do about that.
I do not know what I should do about any of it and it is all too much to think of.
Eventually Elrohir comes to sit with me. He is gentle and concerned but very quiet and not like himself at all. It makes me nervous.
"I think we need to talk." He says and my stomach churns. He has thought better of his impetuous words of support, I am sure of it. I feel sick with terror at the thought of losing him and frustrated with my complete lack of control as the tears flow. This is not me. I am strong, I can put my hurts aside. Why am I suddenly falling apart so badly?
"Legolas," he says with alarm when I cannot hide my distress, "I only want to understand what has happened, that is all. I just want to understand it. This is not like you,"
And he is right, it is not like me. It is as if Legolas has abandoned me and a stranger has taken his place. A stranger who cannot cope with anything.
Elrohir reaches out and strokes his thumb along my cheek wiping away the tear that falls there and shakes his head with a sigh, what is he dissatisfied with I wonder? Something to do with me. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a sheet of paper and places it gently in my lap.
"This must never happen again." He says grimly, and I wonder what he means. It is my letter he has given me, the one I wrote before leaving, is there something in there he is unhappy with, for I cannot help the sealonging, or missing my father. Is it Aragorn he is upset about, does he, like Elladan think I treat Aragorn unfairly?
I look up in confusion,
"Do you mean Aragorn because I-"
He cuts me off, and grabs my hands between his.
"Why did I know none of this? I should have known it all. How can I help if I do not know?"
"These are my burdens I should fix them" I reply,
"No." He is adamant, "You should share them, I want to help you with them. Is there something I can do? Something I can change that would make it easier for you to talk to me?"
"That is not what I do." I say,
"It is what you will do now."he brushes his hand over the words on the paper. "If I was this unhappy would you not want to know?"
"Of course." I breathe, I had not thought of it that way.
"But Elrohir..."
"But nothing." He says firmly, and he gently folds my letter as if it was something precious, a treasure, and places it in his pocket.
"I will keep this here always."he says, "to remind me of your love of keeping secrets. I will not be letting you do that again. Whether we are here or in Valinor, no more secrets."
He takes my hand then, lacing his fingers through mine as if we are unbreakable.
"Now you will tell me about Elladan." And when I try to pull away he will not let me.
"Now you will tell me about Elladan, beloved because I need to know. I promise you, I promise with all my heart, it will make no difference to us, to my love for you, trust me."
And so I do. I tell him I was drunk and angry, I tell him I was dreaming of him when Elladan woke me. I tell him how I fooled myself into believing I was an innocent, that I did not know what I was doing, that for years I let Elladan believe he was the only one at fault when I knew, I knew exactly what it was I did. I tell him how it has haunted me, this guilt, how it has spoiled every good moment we have had. I pour out all the remorse I have carried for so many years.
"I have been afraid," I say, "For years I have feared that you would leave me when you discovered this. It has felt as if it is a cloud that hangs over our every day and one day my world will fall apart. That is all I deserve."
And he listens, he is still and silent and his face grave. At last when I have finished he speaks,
"I can forgive you this," he pulls my head down to lay against his chest and strokes my hair softly. "Is that what you need to hear? Will it help begin to mend this?"
"I do not deserve your forgiveness" I cry,
"But you have it anyway, I give it freely, you have carried this too long. You punish yourself for no good reason."
"I punish myself because I have betrayed you! Because I have hurt you, because I deserve it. I do not understand why, why you are not more angry...I thought... why are you so accepting of this Elrohir? Why do you even want to be with me?"
"I love you." He says, "and I have failed you and I thought I had lost you. This is nothing compared to that. It does hurt, I admit that, it hurts me badly...but I still have you. I have not seen your unhappiness, I should have noticed months, even years ago and I chose not to, how selfish was I? I regret my words to you, they were cruel and untrue. I will not act without thinking again."
I laugh out loud despite myself
"But then you will not be Elrohir!"
and he smiles sadly.
"Then I will be a better Elrohir."
And I frown at that.
"I love the Elrohir you have always been. I do not want a different one."
We are interrupted before he can reply by Aragorn who looks at me carefully as he approaches, he looks at me with healers eyes and finds something he is not happy with judging by the expression on his face. Still it is Elrohir he speaks with.
"Can you find Elladan and bring him back. Gimli has food ready."
I realise then that Elladan is not there. Why have I not noticed that before? I wonder where he is and I remember what he has done to my sea longing. I hope he does not suffer because of me.
Glorfindel arrives and I did not even know he was here. I am usually attentive and watchful, why are all these things happening that elude my notice? Elladan follows shortly after and he is pale and miserable, I watch him closely but he does not approach me, does not even look in my direction. Someone else then who is upset with me. The number is mounting up I sigh to myself, there will be no one left talking to me soon.
Elrohir does not return.
I eat my food and try not to think of it and fail miserably, he does not stay away on my account I tell myself. He has not left, he told me to trust him and I will. He said he forgave me. It is harder than I thought however not to believe he has deserted me, so long have I imagined that would happen and despite myself my heart thuds in my chest and my anxiety builds.
Glorfindel sits next to me with an encouraging smile but he says nothing and I continue with my internal justification of Elrohir's absense, though I do wonder why he sits with me and not Elladan. Perhaps he takes pity on me since everyone else is angry with me.
"You miss your father." It is a surprise when he speaks and jolts me out of my thoughts with a shock.
"Yes." I am so taken aback by his statement I forget to cover my tracks.
"I understand." He says sadly and I look at him askance, with disbelief in my eyes for how can he possibly understand and I am not in the mood for meaningless platitudes.
Glorfindel laughs at my disbelief.
"I am not as old as all that Legolas! I did not emerge fully formed on the shores of Cuivuénen. I do have a father and I have not seen him for a long long time." The last is said so wistfully I am ashamed and I realise I do not know him at all. The idea of Glorfindel as a child, with a father is a strange one. I know him as a warrior reborn, the balrog killer not someone's son.
"I do not know you at all." I gasp and I did not mean to say it out loud.
"No," he smiles at me, "not many do...So Legolas," he deftly changes the subject and I wonder if he prefers to be a mystery.
"What will you do now? Will you go forward on this path you have placed yourself or will you turn back?
"I do not know," I confess and it is the truth. I have no idea what I will do next.
"What would your father say to you, if he were here?"
I know exactly what he would say because we had this conversation before he left when I, at the last minute overwhelmed by the sea, was determined to join him.
"He would tell me he did not go to Valinor to spend all his time drying my tears over friends I regret leaving behind." I say and Glorfindel laughs,
"He would remind me of my duty to my people, those I lead and he would tell me he warned me about having mortals as friends and getting involved with Elrond's boy but now I must see it through to the end." I take a shuddering breath as I can almost hear his voice telling me this.
"And he would say he is always with me, even the sea cannot divide us, and he will be first to greet me when I get to the other side." I let myself imagine for a moment that welcome and it uplifts me.
"I always knew there was a reason I liked Thranduil," Glorfindel says. "and is that helpful?"
"It is, it is Glorfindel. It clears my mind, but I still miss him."
"It is not forever Legolas, one day we will be reunited."
We are silent for awhile and then I laugh,
Glorfindel give me a look that says he wonders if I might be mad.
"I remembered," I explain, "What my father said to me as he left. He told me I had spent enough years of my youth complaining to him that I wished to be free of his control, now was my opportunity and I should make the most of it!"
And then Glorfindel smiles too. He makes to leave then and I remember there is something I must tell him.
" Glorfindel, there is something else." I drop my voice to a whisper. "Elladan has taken the sea."
He looks at me blankly,
"What do you mean?"
"My sea longing. The other day, when our bond was broken, he did something. The sea was unbearable, it drowned out everything else in my mind. I could not tolerate it and now...,it is less. He has taken it."
Glorfindel leans towards me,
"He has spoken to me before of how you can alter it, make it calmer, more peaceful. Is that what you mean?"
I shake my head vigorously because that is not it.
"No, he has not changed it, it is still the same, still demanding and insistant but it has ...gone...there is only a fraction left. He has taken it on himself and I am worried. I need to reclaim it, it is not his burden."
Glorfindel turns pale, it is as if the colour drains from his face as I watch.
"He has taken your sealonging upon himself?" He repeats as if I had not just told him that very thing and shoots an anxious glance towards Elladan where he sits staring morosely into the fire.
"The fool," he mutters under his breath but I can still hear it. "What was he thinking?"
"I can take it back Glorfindel, I know I can I just need an opportunity." I don't know how I will do that, Elrohir might not be compliant with that idea and I understand why. I will have to talk to him first.
But Glorfindel is up and gone without so much as a goodbye, he strides towards Elladan who is startled by his arrival and I watch as Glorfindel whispers to him urgently his face tense and anxious.
I wonder what he will do?
And I wonder where Elrohir is, he has been gone so long.
And as I wonder I feel my newfound confidence in us begin to ebb away.