Elladan.
I trudge slowly back to the campsite after Elrohir has left me. Seldom have I felt so dejected, so terribly ashamed, for my brother is right. I have wronged him and wronged him badly and it is so hard to look at the pain of betrayal in his eyes. The sea beats out its ceaseless demand in my mind calling me onward. I cannot block it out, this is so different from the subtle quiet whisper of sea I am used to. It is so very relentless.
When I arrive at the campsite I discover Elrohir has not returned ahead of me. He is nowhere to be seen, Legolas is here however, pale and quiet but I avert my eyes. He is a thing of beauty, I can often be mesmerised by him but I will not look for every glance now feels like a dagger in my brothers heart.
I eat my food slowly and I am not in the mood for conversation so I am glad when Glorfindel goes to sit with Legolas. Instead I gaze into the fire, watching the flames dance and weave before my eyes. I am hypnotised by their movements, so when Glorfindel returns and says my name I am caught unawares. His voice startles me and despite myself I jump.
"What have you done?" He says under his breath, "Have you lost your mind?"
I have no idea what he is talking about and tell him so.
"Legolas says you have taken his sea."
"What if I have," I reply, "It is no problem and he was at the end of his endurance."
"No problem?" Glorfindel is upset and his voice rises, "I cannot believe you would indulge in such folly."
That annoys me for who is he to call it folly, he knows nothing of the sea, nothing.
"I don't want to talk about this Glorfindel." I say hoping he will drop the subject but of course he will not let it go.
"You WILL talk about it and we will talk about it now." He is angry...or frightened...or both. I do not want this to turn into a public argument.
"Not here," I hiss at him, "Somewhere else. I do not want all and sundry listening to this."
And so we leave, he is determined to talk and will not just walk away but I am tired and weary after a day of listening to this wailing sea. The last thing I want to do is speak of it.
"What do you want me to say?" I ask when we are finally out of earshot of the others.
"That Legolas is mistaken would be a start. That you have not been so reckless and foolish as to do this."
"He is not mistaken. I am a healer and he was suffering, what else would you have had me do?"
"Healers," Glorfindel sighs, "do not usually deliberately infect themselves with their patients sickness."
"It is not as bad as that Glorfindel, you are being melodramatic. I am perfectly alright." I am not at all but I am not telling Glorfindel that when he is being so insulting.
"You are lying Elladan. Why is that? You never lie to me."
"Well there is a first time for everything." I snap before realising I have just admitted I am not being completely truthful.
He takes my hand.
"This is all very honorable of you Elladan but you cannot do this. Legolas says he can take this back and he wishes to. You must let him."
I snatch my hand away.
"Are you mad? I am not letting him do that. Did you not see how he was before? If I give him back the sea he will definitely sail."
"Then perhaps," Glorfindel says quietly, "perhaps that is exactly what he needs to do."
"NO! He will take Elrohir with him. I will not be giving the sea back."
"It is not your burden to bear!" Glorfindel is losing his temper now and that is never pretty.
"But I can bear it," I say, "I can bear it with more ease than Legolas. If it will keep my brother here then I will do it."
"You are fooling yourself Elladan, if you think it will be easy. Did it look easy for Legolas?"
"I am not Legolas." I say and despite the endless battering of the sea against my walls I do believe I can cope with this.
Glorfindel shakes his head,
"You will let him take it back!"
"What are you going to do Glorfindel?" I ask, "Hold me down so he can force his way into my mind? He does not have the ability to do that anyway."
"You have to see sense in this. This is stupidity Elladan."
"It is not, it is the only thing I can do." Suddenly I am overwhelmed by a flood of misery.
"I cannot lose Elrohir, I have to keep him here, he despises me. If he goes now we will never reconcile. Never!"
Glorfindel's face is filled with concern, his anger stops dead and he is all calm reassurance.
"You are not making sense Elladan."
That confuses me because I am, I am making perfect sense.
"Elrohir does not despise you, that is impossible. He may be angry but he will forgive you, this will not keep you apart. Nothing could keep the two of you apart forever...you know this."
"Have you spoken to him? Have you seen him?...no! You have no idea what he is like, how deeply his hurt goes. I know if I let him sail it will get worse and I will never be able to overcome it."
"Elladan...this is crazy. Elrohir cannot survive without you. He is not going to cut you off."
But I know he will, I know distance will build an insurmountable wall between us so I will not be giving Legolas his sea back. I must keep it at all costs.
We argue back and forth for hours but Glorfindel will not give in. He is determined to believe Elrohir will forgive me even if we are separated. But he doesn't know my twin like I do I say to myself. This is just speculation on his part and I am not prepared to risk the loss of Elrohir on a gamble.
In the end the both of us are tired of an argument that goes nowhere and we go back to the others but Glorfindel looks at me through worried eyes. He is displeased and I think it is because he has not been able to control me. Too long I have let him tell me what to do. I am too old for that. I will make my own decisions.
Elrohir has returned while we were away and I see him sleeping with Legolas, At least he has come back. Perhaps he waited until I was gone to return as he did not want to face me? Glorfindel sleeps but I do not, I sit and watch the dying fire, poking it into life and watching the embers burn.
And the sea roars on louder than before if that is possible. I wonder what it is like in the other side?
As dawn approaches Legolas awakes and I watch him from the corner of my eye. He seems improved, there is more life in his eyes, he is not quite as pale.
"I think I will go for a walk." He says to me and I am instantly on alert. Does he mean to escape us and run to the sea?
He denies that though when I ask him and swears he will stay within earshot and come when we call so I let him go without a protest and return to my fire gazing. It is oddly soothing watching the flames dance before me. I am still watching them when Elrohir rises. He looks at me briefly then averts his eyes turning his back on me.
So he is still angry and it still hurts.
I am not sure how much longer it is before he approaches me but when he does he is not friendly.
"Have you seen Legolas?" He asks bluntly.
"He has gone for a walk. He wanted to be on his own."
His reaction to that is dramatic and panic stricken.
"You let him go?! Have you not done enough to hurt me already? Do you want to destroy me?" He cries.
I get to my feet and reach out to him, to calm him. Always my touch has reassured him but this time it does not and he shrugs me off.
"Don't touch me! Don't try to make this right for you cannot! If he has gone Elladan...if he has gone and I have lost him...how can I ever forgive you that?"
The others have heard our discussion, it has woken them and how could it not with Elrohir so distressed.
"What is going on?" Estel looks as weary as I have ever seen him.
"Legolas has gone!" Elrohir is quick to accuse me, "and Elladan allowed it, after we followed him all the way here he has let him go."
Estel looks at me with disbelief.
"Are you serious? You let him walk away and didn't wake us?"
"He has not gone far Estel. He promised he would stay within earshot. He swore he would not leave."
"Oh and he is so much in his right mind at the moment," Elrohir's words drip with sarcasm and I flinch, "Of course he will do what he said and not run. Of course Elladan, I can see that now...for all his thoughts are SO logical.."
"Legolas is not dishonest," I try to defend myself but I am doubting my decision to let him go even as we speak, "He will not break his word not matter how distressed he is."
"If he even remembers it when the sea gets in his head!" Elrohir is right in front of me, his face in my face and He is so angry I wonder if he will lash out with his fists for it is not unheard of, will I have time to duck?
"STOP THIS!" It is Glorfindel and he strides between us, he is not to be ignored.
"Stop this Elrohir, you do not help yourself by creating further injured feelings. Legolas is not the only one with the sea longing here, or do you forget that."
My brothers face pales at that and he looks at me, really looks at me for a second but then his gaze slides off me. He is not ready to think fondly of me, perhaps he never will be.
"Do you not think you should call for Legolas and see if he has kept his word before you attack?" Glorfindel stands in front of me, he protects me from them all for in truth they all look at me with disdain. They all think my decision to let Legolas go was the wrong one.
And so we call, and call until our voices are hoarse but of course he does not come. And my brother looks at me with hatred in his eyes for I have lost his dearest treasure and I know that I have lost him also, there is no coming back from this.
And the sea roars on, it calls me to better things, an easier place where none of this will matter. Except Glorfindel will not come with me I am sure of it, but now I wonder if I even need him to, for does he not just control me like a child? Does he see me for myself? Even now he takes over and protects me when I could have stood up for myself.
So I listen to the sea and it makes sense the thoughts it drenches me with. Perhaps my only option is to go? I will not be happy until I do so. I cannot stay here and watch my brother hate me and he said it himself,
He will never forgive me.