I Am Not What You Choose To See
AU story that centers around suicide and healing. Hope you enjoy. Please review and let me know.
I own nothing. Nothing.
Chapter Six
"I know I'm pretty, but in front of your boyfriend, Rai," Kakashi drawled as Raidou pulled away from him in disgust while the Copy-nin covered his red eye, "Sorry. Hound gets a little out of hand when there is blood in the air. Did I hurt you or Asuma, Gai?"
"No, Rival," Gai assured, "Got a lucky hit on Asuma though. He was most not hip when his voice sounded like a twelve-year old girl."
"Shut up!" Asuma moaned as he turned red while Kakashi flushed in embarrassment at having struck a friend.
Raidou drowned out the voices as he tried to get his emotions back under control. One rapist dead, one in confinement, and one to go. He wanted so bad to be a part of the team to hunt down Miyazaki, but Gen needed him here. Raidou glanced to Genma and froze for only half a second.
"Gen? Genma?" Raidou gasped, racing to the twitching man as the heart monitor showed an irregular beat, "Lady Tsunade!"
Genma's twitching was turning into a full blown seizure or fit of some kind.
"Move," Tsunade insisted, accidently hurling Raidou several feet back as Gai caught the jonin, "Get out of here! Genma's heart is failing!"
"No!" Raidou yelled, fighting as more hands grabbed at him, "I'm staying! I can't leave my Gen! Let me go! Let go! Genma, don't do this! Let go!"
"Get him out of here, Ibiki," Tsunade snapped as medical nin flew through the door at the summons they had received, "Raidou, you can't get in the way if you want me to try and save Genma. Get out."
Raidou allowed himself to be pulled from the room. He was numb as he was herded back to the waiting room and sat beside Iruka. He barely noted the voices asking questions around him as his heart and mind remained within the room that housed the one he loved. Aoba was back and was being filled in by Anko. Raidou was aware enough to realize that the three chunin within the group were still in the dark about Genma's attack so none of the jonin had revealed Gen's private information. Good.
"Read this for me, Namiashi-san."
Raidou looked up to see Ibiki holding out Genma's journal.
"Read this, Raidou," Ibiki instructed again, "The Hokage will do what she can to save Genma, but his state of mind will be fractured. He'll need therapy and knowing some of Genma's thoughts and feelings will help us be able to aid Shiranui-san in putting his mind back together again. Genma's strong, but we missed the cracks that were leading to his breaking. Read this."
The jonin accepted the book and glanced to his friends and comrades. They were all looking at him with encouraging eyes.
"I've got a notebook for you to take notes," Iruka offered, holding the pad out to him.
"I've got a pen," Kotetsu voiced, patting his pockets with his left hand since his right arm was in a sling, "Zumo, help me find the damn thing. I'm not as good with my non-dominant hand."
"Hai, hai," Izumo agreed, finding the pen as Raidou reached to take the offered items, "Gen won't die, Rai. He's too stubborn and strong so read that thing to discover what has been hurting him. Then we can help him heal."
Raidou glanced to what he held in each hand while the numbness slowly ebbed.
"Hai," Raidou agreed finally, "Gen is strong. He won't leave. He won't."
Despite his words, Raidou still felt fear pricking at his heart. He knew what Ibiki was doing. Distraction, but if Genma did pull through, the information in the journal could be invaluable for helping a therapist understand the working of Gen's mind. So he opened to the first page and began reading. This was a type of diary. Genma hadn't written in the journal every day, but he had put pen to paper when his heart was overflowing. It hurt to read the first childish scratchings.
"Today I snuck into my otouto's room. Ryo-chan is so small and cute. I've not been allowed to see him yet. I was punished for asking. Father is always angry and always yelling at me. It's like he hates me now and Oneesan is so cold. I miss Kaasan. I miss her singing and teaching me her jutsus and her hugs. I don't understand what I've done wrong. The house doesn't feel like home anymore."
The next entry was very telling.
"Ryo-chan is getting so big. He can sit up on his own now. He'll look just like Father. He is the only one that makes my sire smile anymore. I try to stay quiet and out of sight. When Father sees me he stops smiling. He gets angry and his fists hurt. I had to lie to my sensei and say the broken rib she found was from training with Rai-chan. I was told to eat protein to help the bone knit, but Father doesn't let me eat the good food anymore. I'm getting used to ration bars. They are not so bad if you try to convince your mind that you're eating cookies. It is just hard. Hard to try and live this new life when I remember my old one when Kaasan was here and Father and Oneesan still loved me too. Kaasan often said shinobi lived hard lives and need to keep putting one foot in front of the other regardless of what happens in life. I'll be strong like Kaasan told me to be. What more is there to do? I don't like that I'm an outcast in my family now, but it just is what it is sometimes. I guess sometimes love runs out for certain people in a family. Otouto needs that love more so I'll be fine because I'm shinobi."
Raidou wrote what he knew of the abuse and noted Genma's rationalization abilities. The man's sense of survival was strong, but he had written off behaviors from his family thinking that what was happening was normal life and not true abuse.
"Gen, you listened to your mother too well," Raidou sighed to himself, "Shinobi do live hard lives, but not as children. You had no sense that you needed to be protected as much as your little brother. You accepted things too much and just continued forward. I wish I had known."
Each entry followed Genma's through his growing years. The man had suffered alone and his pain at feeling betrayed by Ebisu as a mite of a genin was clear. God dammit! His father had even made his own son hand over his earnings each month. No wonder Gen had rarely bought anything when he was invited out with friends as a youth and always seemed on the tiny side due to lack of proper nutrition. There was also a pattern repeating in the entries. Genma didn't like being given titles.
"Gai, go get Ebisu," Raidou ordered as the nin in green glanced up at him, "I'm sorry, but the man must die. Go on."
"Um," Gai hummed thoughtfully, "Can I ask why Ebisu must die before I go fetch my often snobbish, but youthful comrade?"
"He hurt Genma when you three were genin," Raidou explained, "Blamed Gen for you getting hurt on a mission."
"When Genma was hit with the genjutsu?" Gai asked as Raidou nodded, "I clobbered Ebisu for that one, Raidou. In fact, Kakashi here pulled me off of some other genins who were calling Genma lazy and undependable once I got out of the hospital because of Ebisu's gossiping. Clobbered him again for that one."
"I remember when you laid into those genin," Kakashi nodded out, "You were screaming at everyone that Genma was no coward and that Gen had stepped in and took that genjutsu that was aimed at you. No one listened. Shinobi love gossip, but, Raidou, you can't kill Ebisu. Ibiki won't be happy."
"I would not be," Ibiki grunted.
Raidou huffed and noted that Genma had developed trust issues stemming from his neglect and abuse by his family and feeling betrayed by his comrades. Trust issues was always a bane for shinobi, but Gen's ran deeper than most.
"Rai, what did Gen see in that genjutsu?" Gai asked as the scarred jonin saw everyone's eyes on him, "I've never seen Genma that shaken before and he refused to speak about what he saw."
"He saw his father wanting to kill him out of pure hatred," Raidou answered as gasps rang out, "The vision struck too close to home for Genma since he'd been dealing with neglect and abuse from his family. He was nearly broken that day and Ebisu didn't help things by poking at Gen until he finally lost his temper. I hope that man is real happy with himself once he hears about Genma's attempt on his own life. The man is an ass and has always been one."
Raidou tuned out the others as he continued his reading. He frowned to see how much Genma hated being given labels. Hissing to himself, Raidou noted that Genma is not and never was a playboy and hated this interpretation. He remembered going along with that when younger.
"I was so stupid," Raidou thought before pausing as a hand touched his shoulder.
"Is…is there anything in there around the time my father died?" Asuma asked as Raidou blinked, "Rai, I was hurting and I said some truly awful things to Genma on the day my father passed. I apologized and he accepted my apology later, but I'm sure my words stuck with him. I was horrible then and Genma was the easiest to blame."
Raidou glared up at Asuma and scanned through a few more passages before finding the one that Asuma was referring to.
"I've already noted trust issues," Raidou bit out, slapping Asuma's hand from his shoulders, "I can't believe you said that to Genma. How could you?"
"I was wrong," Asuma groaned as Raidou sighed.
"I was too when I yelled at Gen in the mission room," Raidou spat, "But don't you see what has continued to happen to Genma?"
"Tell us," Iruka urged.
"Gen's been trying to move forward, but any mistake he makes or quirk that are his own are used against him. It's like he can't be himself or it's wrong to be Genma Shiranui," Raidou fussed, "He hated being given names or titles. He was never undependable, cowardly, a playboy, or any other name that was thrown his way. We kept putting him in a box for others to poke fun at. He's always been on the outside looking in and it has been wearing him down."
"I know what that feels like," Kakashi whispered as Gai looked at him sharply, "It gets old after a while. I think that is possibly how Hound developed. Hound didn't hear the gossip that can cut into a person. Hound only focuses on missions."
The Copy-nin stood and walked away without looking at anyone.
"Multiple personality disorder?" Izumo finally asked as some amused snorts met his question.
"Not at all," Ibiki denied, "Hound is Kakashi in absolute Anbu Hunter mode. Hound is Kakashi with no emotions besides duty, controlled anger, and reasoning. Not a different personality, per say, but a way for Kakashi to deal with difficult situations without allowing too much emotion to interfere in his duties. You do not want to take on Hound."
"Hound is very, very feral," Gai added, "The Hatake clan is rooted in strong wolf blood kind of like the Inuzuka. Blood can set Hound off, but too much emotion can bring him out too when Kakashi is feeling overwhelmed. Excuse me."
Raidou watched as Gai walked over to Kakashi as the Copy-nin stood stiffly looking out a window. Gai would calm Kakashi down before Hound stepped in.
"I'm sorry," Anko blurted as Raidou glanced to her, "I love to tease. I've teased Genma a lot and probably started a lot of the gossip that has hurt him over the years. I swear that hurting Gen was never my intentions. Hell, I even teased him about that last mission."
"And I gave him the final blow by calling him a whore. What have I allowed to happen?" Raidou breathed, watching as Gai gently herded Kakashi back to the group, "God, this is all messed up."
The situation was pretty bad. Genma had hidden a lot of pain and the rapes had ripped him up in more ways than just physical. The final blow had been Raidou's betrayal. Was there any way to fix this mess?
"We see the pattern now," Ibiki pointed out as eyes glanced back to him, "The damage is already done, but instead of trying to tease out Genma's issues from a man that will probably lockdown on his emotions once he wakes, we have a clear understanding of his tormented thoughts. That is important in therapy. Genma's issues can be addressed from the very beginning. There is a chance that we can fix the damage done to Shiranui-san's mind if he gets the proper treatment."
"What is going on?" Iruka asked as Raidou glanced to him, "Look, Ko, Zumo, and I are not stupid. There is something that we haven't been told. I know we three are younger than the rest of you and that you guys' relationship is deeper with Gen, but I still don't understand why he's choose to try suicide. There is a part of all of this that we don't know about."
"You broke up with Genma, Rai, and we now know that he was hurting that friends and comrades were throwing doubts on his real self," Kotetsu continued, "Zumo and I were also back in time to hear Genma's otouto laying into his father like no one's business out here. We know about the abuse and Ryo Shiranui is more like his brother than anyone knew, but something else tipped the scale to break Gen."
"Which is Gen's business," Kakashi voiced, "Just know that something bad happened and that those involved are being dealt with. It will be Genma that shares that part of his story if he wishes to and he won't be pushed to do so. The rest of us only were told to be able to find the ones that hurt Gen. Leave that alone. You three are trusted, but the information is not only classified, but very personal."
"Understood," Iruka agreed as Kotetsu and Izumo nodded.
"Raidou."
The scarred jonin looked up and nearly flung himself at the Hokage.
"Genma's heart tried to stop and we had to do another blood transfusion, but he's pulled through" Tsunade explained, "Believe it or not, the stubborn, little bastard was also fighting the ventilator. I wished for him to remain on the machine so he would use more energy healing, but he's determined to breathe on his own. He's settled now and I think you should be near. Go ahead."
"Hai, Hokage-sama," Raidou answered, feeling lighter, as he bowed deeply, "Thank you for saving my Gen once again."
"Raidou," Tsunade called as the jonin turned to leave and then glanced back at her, "Genma will hopefully wake up, but he might react negatively to you being near. Are you strong enough to give him the space he needs while he heals if that is necessary?"
"Anything for Genma," Raidou agreed quickly as the Hokage nodded with pride, "I just want him to get better in both body and mind. I'll wait for him as long as he needs me to wait. I'll…I'll even leave him alone forever if that is what he wants, but I'll always be close if he needs me. Always."
Raidou bowed again and hurried to his boyfriend's room and traded places with a nurse that had been assigned to watch over the nin. Genma was pale, but the tube was no longer down his throat. There was a breathing mask strapped firmly to his lower face.
"Thank you for holding on, Baby," Raidou greeted as he pulled a chair back beside the hospital bed and reached to stroke Genma's cheek so the man could know that he wasn't alone, "I read your journal, Gen. I'm so sorry. I had no idea that you were holding so much pain inside of you. I meant what I said before, Baby, you are an amazing, strong person to get past all that you did in your life. I love you, Genma. I love your passion, your drive, and your strength."
To be continued…