Legolas.
We walk in companionable silence through the trees back to the others and I realise I am happy. Not simply happy at a lull in the sea or a brief snapshot of happiness before melancholy overtakes me but really truly and completely happy to the depths of my soul. I cannot remember the last time I felt this way, so long ago I had forgotten what it could be like.
Perhaps Elrohir is right and I can now find happiness with my sea longing reduced? But what does that mean for Elladan?
I know I must speak to Elrohir about him, I must take back my burden and then this feeling of joy and light will be gone. I do not want to do it.
But I must.
"Elladan has taken my sea." I blurt it out without preamble before I can change my mind
"Taken it where?" Elrohir is startled and uncomprehending.
"Upon himself. When Aragorn broke our bond, Elladan did something...I cannot explain it but the sea is less, still there but less. He has it Elrohir."
Elrohir is pale and horrified,
"Don't worry," I say in a rush, "Don't worry, I can take it back, through our bond. I will not let him keep it."
"I do not want you to regain it," he cries, "I have just got you back."
"I cannot leave it with Elladan."
"Why does it have to be with either of you? Why can we not be rid of it? It is a cruel thing. None of us deserve this!" I had not anticipated he would be this upset.
"We cannot be rid of it Elrohir, and Elladan is not meant to bear it. I am."
"I will take it!" He proclaims, "I have a bond with Elladan, I will take it away from the both of you."
I know he means it.
"Oh Elrohir, that will not work. You are not meant to have the sea longing."
He is silent and brooding. He is hurting.
"Are you happy Elrohir that I do this... with Elladan? The bond is only through the sea longing I swear."
He does not answer me for a long time.
"I do not want Elladan to suffer, of course I don't. If you can help him then help him. As long as I know what you do and when you do it"
I am filled with a sudden urge to reassure him. His face is agonised and I realise for the first time just how much my sea longing has affected him. He suffers along with me and he is right, it is a cruel thing.
"I will not sail Elrohir." And as I say the words I know this is the right thing to do.
"You are right, I would regret it. Even with the full extent of the sea longing back I will stay."
"You say that now." He does not believe me,
"Now that Elladan has lessened your burden, but when it returns...when you are as crushed by it as you were before you will forget this promise and you will go."
"No!" I do not want to admit to myself he may be right.
"I am forearmed, I know now how it can twist my mind. I will ask for help as you have told me to, from you and Gimli and Aragorn. I will not let that happen!"
"If it twists your mind you will not know it and it will try to stop you coming to us. But you must do what you must do, I know that." He is so utterly dejected.
Moments ago we had been happy and full of love and now that has gone disappeared into a puff of smoke as if it had never been. The sea longing still dogs my steps. It still haunts my joyful moments. I would do anything to be free if it but now I must take it back.
When we walk into the clearing where the others are gathered you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. They are not happy, any of them. Even calm, controlled Aragorn can not control his anger.
"Where have you been?"
"I have been in the trees as I told Elladan." I say lightly, as if I had not a care in the world although I know that will irritate him greatly and is perhaps unfair. I am in the mood to be mischievous. I have no idea why.
"You said you would come when we called." It is Elladan and he looks as if he is weighed down so heavily my heart twists because he has done this for me and I still do not understand why. I feel a wave of remorse looking at his drawn and weary face.
"I lost track of time, I allowed the trees to distract me. I am sorry Elladan."
He turns away from me and I feel Elrohir step close by my side, to protect me or claim me I do not know. With a flash of insight I realise despite his words of forgiveness there is much still to be resolved between the three of us. I no longer fear he will leave me but I wonder what truly goes on in his mind.
"Let us get on with this then Legolas." Aragorn snaps, his control on his temper is thin indeed. "Do not draw this out any longer for it is unbearable."
And I realise why all the tension, why the anger, while I have been talking of love and happiness with Elrohir they have been sitting here powerless waiting for me to leave them.
"I am not-" I begin but he walks away.
"I don't want to hear any more." He says back over his shoulder
"I cannot cope with this any longer, none of us can. Let us just do this."
Elrohir leans close,
"Tell them you will stay!"
But I am taken by an irrational fit of pique, even though I know it is completely unjustified.
"He doesn't want to hear it" I mumble sourly, and I walk away from them towards my horse muttering to myself about the unfairness of humans as I do so.
Gimli is there waiting for me. Gimli who has said barely a word to me since they found me. His hurt runs deep and I have caused that. Still hurt or not he makes an attempt at a smile.
"One last ride together then lad," he says to me, "for old times sake." Then he looks away but not before I see the glint of tears in his eyes.
How did I ever think I could leave him behind? I am ashamed of myself.
"One last ride?" I ask, "have I done something to offend you that you will ride with me no longer?"
"You will be riding where I cannot go Legolas. Do not make this harder than it already is."
And I smile,
"I know Imladris is an elven enclave. I am sure they will let you in if you are with me. They tolerate dwarves occasionally."
It takes a while before what I have said filters through then his face lights up and it warms my heart.
"You will not leave us?"
"How could I Gimli? How could I ever leave you? I will take you to Valinor with me when I do go!"
And he laughs at the ridiculousness of that idea, but I wonder for a second...what if I did?
When I have helped Gimli up and have deposited myself on the horse in front of him I look down the road to where the others wait for me, Aragorn, Elladan and Glorfindel, a picture of solemnity and despair.
"Put them out of their misery." Elrohir says beside me, "Now is not the time to play games with them...unless you change your mind?"
"Of course not!" I shoot him a wide smile. "I stay here...with you."
"Aragorn!" I call, "What has happened to your sense of direction? Imladris is this way."
As with Gimli, realisation is not instantaneous, it takes a while for him to understand what I mean and then it is as if he sheds years of worry in front of my eyes and I realise Elrohir is right. We are still friends, we are still as close as ever. It has been my own mind that has placed barriers between us. I have a plan. I have thought on it in the trees. I wonder if he will agree.
It is Elladan who catches my eye though, and Elladan who holds it as the relief shines openly upon his face. Relief not that I stay but that I will not take his brother. He is tired and I can tell the sea accosts him but I have given him this much and I will take back my burden at the first opportunity.
"It is worth it just for that," I whisper to myself when I see that look on his face and I mean it. I owe him a debt and this is a step towards repaying it.
Elrohir rides close to me, it is as if he fears I will turn and run if he takes his eyes off me although nothing is further from the truth. The misery which drove me out here seems a faint memory now for I know he will not leave, will not forsake me, we are forever, and it was the loss of Elrohir more than anything else which caused my unhappiness. I wish I had not waited so long to speak to him and the thought that it was the sealonging which held me back and changed my perceptions is a worrying one. Can I really survive here with it even knowing what it is capable of? There is no point in pondering on it for survive I must. I have to find a way.
We are three quarters of the way back to Imladris before I can extract myself from the eagle eye of Elrohir and drop back beside Aragorn. I am eager to see if he will agree with my plan and if I am to remain here with the sealonging I know I will need him.
"How much longer do you remain in Imladris," I ask casually,
"A few days only, Duty calls me back to Minas Tirith." Duty always calls him, seldom if ever can we get time alone.
"I suppose your entourage will be escorting you then." I try to keep the sarcasm out of my voice but I think I fail.
He laughs,
"Yes, now I am a king it seems I am no longer qualified to travel alone. I had no idea a coronation would effect my skills so badly." He glances towards me.
"You and Gimli could join us if you head back that way yourself."
"Aragorn!" I hear Gimli hiss underneath his breath. Does he really think I cannot hear him?
"No...I think I would find that difficult." I try being honest as Elrohir has told me I must. It is a strange feeling. I doubt though that I will ever again be comfortable travelling with Men. Aragorn and Faramir aside they still cause me anxiety. Perhaps that scar will never heal.
"Forgive me!" Aragorn is appalled with himself, "I did not think..."
"I should be the one apologising to you Aragorn, I have caused much heartache I know."
"If you had only told me..." He says and I sigh, if I had only spoken of a lot of things.
"Do you think," I say changing the subject away from my communication failures, "Do you think they would let you travel alone if you had a pair of warriors to accompany you?"
"My brothers you mean? They are not due to come back to Minas Tirith for some time. I cannot wait for them to be ready to travel. Arwen would not be pleased!"
"Gimli and I," I say nonchalantly, "Do have a reputation for being handy in a fight. We were members of the fellowship you know, two thirds of the three hunters. Would we be esteemed enough to escort a King of Men?"
"A fine idea Legolas!" Gimli pipes up behind me, "Get rid of those boring men who insist on following you around Aragorn and come back with us."
He looks at us in astonishment,
"Travel back with you?"
I decide it is time to be serious.
"I would like some time with you." I say, "With the both of you. I cannot travel with your men, not easily and their company would not help us. Do you think you could sway them to letting us accompany you instead?"
"It will not be easy." He replies and my heart sinks for I know, I just know this would have helped me...have helped us.
But then he smiles,
"I can think of nothing better Legolas. I will tell them it will be so. What is the point of being King if I cannot give the occasional order!"
"As long as you do not think you can start ordering us." Gimli grumbles and I laugh for I am happy.
I will not think of the sea,
I think of my friends and their love drowns it out. The sea is nothing when measured against them.
With them at my side I am safe.
With them at my side I am unbeatable.
I will never forget that.
The sea will not steal them from me.
I will win.
Authors Note. So that's the end for now because I am off on holiday and I really wanted to get this all posted before I left. I know I have left poor Elladan in a mess. I will have to sort him out in another story when I come home!