I Am Not What You Choose To See

AU story that centers around suicide and healing. Hope you enjoy. Please review and let me know.

I own nothing. Nothing.

Chapter Nine

Raidou rubbed a fist against one of his eyes before startling as a hand came down on his shoulder.

"Gah!"

"Sorry, sorry," Kotetsu apologized as Raidou withdrew the kunai from the chunin's throat, "I was getting my hand checked and thought I stop in to visit. Thought you heard me come in."

"Oh," Raidou sighed, "Sorry, Ko. My mind wasn't focused. How is your hand?"

"Healed," Kotetsu grinned out, showing his freed arm, "Good riddance to stupid slings. How is Gen?"

"The same," Raidou sighed.

Kotetsu frowned as he gazed to the still shinobi in the bed as he leaned against the railing of the bed.

"We miss you in the mission room, Gen," Kotetsu called as Raidou looked up in alarm, "Place is so boring without you. You know, you always kept people on their toes or knew what to say when someone was down. You've always just been there, you know. We depended on you to keep things light and was like…calming. Crappy to not realize what you had until the person isn't there anymore. Raidou looks like shit and we miss you, Man. Please wake up soon. We need you."

The scarred jonin relaxed. This was something Genma needed to hear. Something from someone other than Raidou.

"Don't seem right, Rai," Kotetsu remarked, keeping his eyes on Genma, "Never seen Gen so still. He's always been this bundle of cooling energy. Even still, he just seemed ready for action, you know?"

"I do know," Rai chuckled, gazing to his lover fondly, "Gen wasn't even still like this in sleep. He's a kicker. Do you know how many times he's kicked me right out of the bed? Talk about a rude awakening."

Kotetsu laughed as Raidou grinned at happier memories. The jonin wished he had known the suffering Genma was going through behind that mask he'd developed. The chunin stayed a little longer before having to leave. Raidou groaned softly as he lowered his head onto Genma's bed railings to watch him breathing.

"I want my Genma back," Raidou whispered as his heart broke and felt the tears starting as he buried his face in his hands, "Damn, Baby, I miss you so much."

A small noise made him look up to see brown eyes watching him. Genma blinked in confusion then shut his eyes again.

"Baby?" Raidou gasped, standing to lean over the man, "Genma, open your eyes for me. Come on, Gen. You can do it, Baby. Open your eyes."

Genma made a small noise in protest, but opened his eyes to glance up at Raidou. The eyes were confused and then frightened as he strained against the padded restraints.

"Shh, Baby. I'll unbuckle those," Raidou urged, beginning to work at the straps, "You're in the hospital, Gen. You tried to hurt yourself and the restraints are policy. I know you're scared, but I'm going to take these off now. Stay still, okay?"

The frightened shinobi glanced at Raidou again before closing his eyes and shuddering, but he went still. Raidou undid every strap and then backed away when Genma cried out and scrambled from the bed to huddle on the floor in the closest corner of the room while the breathing mask hit the farthest wall. Genma was terrified judging by his wide, glassy eyes.

"You're safe," Raidou cooed as he sighed at the blood trickling from the place where the IV needle had been torn from Genma's arm, "I won't let anyone hurt you."

Panting, Genma pressed himself further back as Raidou lowered himself to sit on the ground, several feet away from the frightened man. Then Raidou did something that he hoped he wouldn't regret. The jonin slid a kunai from a pouch and tossed the blade so it was within reaching distance of his boyfriend. Genma snatched the kunai up and held it out in a defensive stance.

"What the hell did you just do that for?" Lady Tsunade asked from the doorway as Genma pointed the kunai between her and Raidou in agitated movements.

"Gen's scared. He needs to feel in a little bit of control," Raidou insisted, turning to his lover, "Gen, it's okay. You're safe. You have the kunai. No one can approach you without your permission. You're safe, Baby."

The scarred jonin hid a grimace at the shaking of Genma's hands. His wrists were still healing and weak with the special armguards used to stabilize the abused appendages. Genma needed to calm down.

"Gen?" Raidou called as the kunai was leveled back on him, "You're okay."

"N-no," Genma stuttered, "No…not ever. Not ever, ever."

Raidou remained silent as his lover shook harder. The agony at seeing the broken man before him pulled at him so hard that a gasp of pain escaped him before he could stifle the sound. Another sound echoed as Genma dropped the kunai.

"Rai?" Genma whispered as Raidou blinked, "Raidou?"

"Oh, God, Baby," Raidou breathed, crawling forward as he pulled the stunned man into his arms while kicking the kunai towards Tsunade, "It's me, Gen. I'm here. You're okay."

Raidou hugged Genma tight while the smaller man hid his face against the scarred jonin's shoulder.

"Don't want," Genma whimpered, shaking hard while pulling his aching wrists tight against his chest, "Don't, Rai. Don't tie. Don't."

"He's talking about the restraints," Raidou pointed out as Tsunade nodded, "He's not going to go back in that bed, Hokage-sama. Gen's frightened."

"Then let's get him a new room," Tsunade offered in the softest voice she could muster, "Gentle, Raidou. Very gentle."

"Baby, let's go where there are no more restraints," Raidou soothed as his lover hunched against him tighter, "Would you like that? Would you like a new room with no restraints where you are safe?"

Genma didn't answer for the longest time before he finally nodded and allowed Raidou to slide his arms beneath the other to lift him from the cold floor. The smaller man remained passive as Raidou stood with his precious burden.

"A comfy room, please, Hokage-sama," Raidou nearly cooed to try and keep Genma calm while Tsunade used her medical jutsu to heal the torn skin from the IV quickly, "One with a nice view and a soft bed so my Gen can rest and heal."

"Follow me," Tsunade instructed as she walked slowly down the hall, "I know a nice, safe room. Come on. Let's go get settled."

Raidou didn't miss that he was being led to the psych unit in the hospital. He remembered spending a week in the unit after his burns broke his mind for a few days. The rooms were made for comfort and to help a delicate mind recuperate. He hoped that Genma was too out of it to realize where they were heading. Genma didn't protest being laid in his new bed and sighed as he closed his eyes and fell back to sleep.

"That went better than I expected," Tsunade snorted, handing Raidou the kunai, "That was a dangerous move, Namiashi-san."

"Gen is still a shinobi," Raidou retorted, "Didn't you notice? He protected his back and needed to feel in control by being able to defend his front. I just don't know what made him drop the blade, but I'm glad he did."

"You sounded in pain," Tsunade pointed out as the jonin blinked, "Genma snapped back into reality when he heard you and dropped the kunai. He'd have reached for you if he had had the strength to. That was not the Genma we know, but he's still in there deep down and I've got the perfect therapist picked out to help his mind heal. Here he is now."

"Ibiki-san?" Raidou gasped as the jonin walked up, "You?"

"Me," Ibiki agreed, "I am a certified therapist and have seen plenty of shinobi return from being tortured and broken in the past. I've been studying your notes and nearly skinned Goro Shiranui when I interviewed the bastard, but I have a good understanding into Genma's upbringing. I've also dealt with victims of brutalization in the past. Genma has a long way to go, but I'm hoping that his mind is not so far gone that he can return to the shinobi he once was."

"I don't give a fuck about him being a shinobi," Raidou growled, "I want my Gen whole again. I want him to feel safe, loved, and healed. I want him happy. That is what I want and I don't want you being the therapist if all you care about is returning Gen to the field."

"You are a brat," Ibiki chuckled as Raidou blinked, "My wording was wrong. I meant I'd like to help Genma regain his confidence and sense of self. This is not about anything more than helping Genma heal. That too is all I want."

Raidou regarded the older man before nodding quickly.

"No restraints," Raidou insisted, "Please. Genma was held down by a shinobi who used wind to render him helpless while others used his body. You can't make him feel trapped."

"Everything I already know," Ibiki assured, "Calm yourself, Raidou, and allow me to do my job. I refuse to think Genma will give up. He broke, but it's time to put him back together again. His moods will be very unstable at first. He'll be angry, sad, lethargic, and the list goes on. Sometimes he'll turn on us and won't want us near. Genma will try to push us away. Helping him will not be easy, Raidou."

"Life isn't easy," Raidou stated, "I understand what you are saying, Ibiki, but I have no intentions of leaving no matter how hard Genma tries to push me away. I love him."

"Then remember that at his worst," Tsunade voiced, "He'll lash out a lot, but patience and understanding will help pull down the shields he will use to defend himself. There will be times you will not be allowed to visit which starts now. Genma will need to earn the right to have visitors. Genma needs some space to work out his feelings. Raidou, he might not be able to return your love. Can you handle that if Genma chooses to end the relationship?"

"Anything for Gen," Raidou nodded out as pain pulled at him hard, "I will respect Genma no matter what he decides. I swear it, but I will never stop loving him. He is my most precious person and I just want him happy."

T.T

Anger had ripped through the jonin when he awoke and discovered he was locked in this room for his "safety" once he had strengthened enough to be more aware and could move about a little better. It pissed him off that there was even a chakra dampener in the room so he couldn't teleport or use jutsu to defend himself. He barely remembered waking the first time, but he did remember the fears. He was told that Raidou had brought him here so he could be seen for his mental therapy. Whatever. Genma didn't mind the room all that much, but he hated the big window where people watched him. Ibiki had found it funny when he had used drawing paper stuck to the glass with gum to spell out "Fuckers" on the window.

"And why are the nurses and doctors fuckers?" Ibiki asked as Genma sat on the window seat with his back turned on the man to watch birds flying by.

"Not a fish," Genma answered, rocking where he sat.

"A fish?" Ibiki repeated before chuckling again, "You don't like to be watched like a fish in a bowl, hm?"

Genma nodded. He was tired of being watched. Always observed. Always spied on. He was done with people deciding for him what he wanted. Raidou, Ibiki, Tsunade, the doctors, the nurses…he was done.

"Genma, do you know why you are being watched?"

The jonin knew. He knew he'd broken. He knew why his weak wrists needed the armguards that wrapped around each arm from his thumb to nearly his elbow, but he wasn't going to give Ibiki the satisfaction of saying the word "suicide." No sir!

"Genma, you made a decision to hurt yourself because you were pushed to your breaking point," Ibiki voiced as the other in the room shuddered, "The staff here just want to keep you safe."

"Didn't ask you too!" Genma snapped, turning to glare at the older man, "I want to be left alone. I want…I want it to all go away!"

"What to go away, Gen?" Ibiki pushed.

"You! Them!" Genma hissed, pounding his chest, "This! Hurts! Don't want this!"

Ibiki sighed as Genma choked. At least he was talking now, but the jonin was hard to follow.

"Are you in pain?" Ibiki asked as Genma scoffed, "Report, Shiranui-san."

Genma sat up and turned to blink at Ibiki. A shinobi order, huh? Fine.

"I fucking hate it here, Sir," Genma hissed, "I hate the fact that no one cares that what they want it not what I want. I don't want to talk about what happened. I don't want to remember how I was passed around like a fucking bottle of sake and forced…forced to feel things I didn't want to feel. I could care less that my family has hated me since I was five. I don't want to remember how the one I thought loved me more than anything called me a whore in front of the whole mission room and struck me in the face. I don't care that the rapists are dead because they already did their worst to me. I don't care that everyone is 'sorry.' I don't care that I sliced up my wrists because it didn't give me what I wanted. I just wanted it all to end because my heart hurts all the damn time and now I've got you rubbing that in my face. I'm tired and I'm dirty and everyone is pretending to care, but you don't. Get the fuck away from me!"

Ibiki didn't flinch when Genma threw his tray of untouched lunch at him as he began to scream vulgarities. It was one of those days again.

"Enough," Ibiki grunted, catching the man as he went to throw a chair, "Calm down. I'll leave, but calm down or the Hokage won't let Raidou come see you. Do you want that?"

"Yes," Genma spat as Ibiki blinked while he sat the chair back down, "Don't want Rai here. Make him stay away."

"Why?"

Genma panted and pulled away to crawl into his bed. Ibiki barely heard the whispered, "Dirty." The torture specialist wanted to groan. Genma was pulling away from everyone and was refusing to eat. The spiraling down was growing worse with time.

"I'm going to let you rest," Ibiki offered the lump in the bed, "But know that what was done to you wasn't your fault. You were a victim. You are not dirty. No one thinks that. Raidou will give you the space you want, but he loves you very much. I know you are hurting, Genma, but pulling away from everyone is going to make that pain in your chest worse. Dying isn't the answer to ending pain, Kid."

"Living isn't either. It's never worked for me," Genma snarled, "Go away!"

Ibiki stepped from the room and watched a nurse lock the door once again.

"Ibiki?"

"Still spiraling," the large man reported as Tsunade frowned, "Spoke more than he has about some of his feelings, but he's locked away a lot. Genma won't eat. Can we not at least get liquid nutrients into him?"

"I do at night when he is fully sedated," Tsunade explained as Ibiki cursed, "Little baka rips the IVs out when he is aware. Plus…do you feel that?"

"Yes. A chakra signature that shouldn't even be in that room," Ibiki huffed.

To be continued…