I Am Not What You Choose To See
AU story that centers around suicide and healing. Hope you enjoy. Please review and let me know.
I own nothing. Nothing.
Chapter Thirteen
Raidou smirked as he hurried beside Gai to get to the hospital. Lady Tsunade had a double room set up for Genma and Kakashi to be settled in. Genma's minor wounds were healed and he was left to sleep. It was Kakashi that had Tsunade the most worried.
"He's completely shut down," Tsunade explained as Gai cursed softly, "I can't wake him back up. It's like the brat has shielded his mind from the outside world."
"It's Hound," Gai sighed, "Hound is the one shielding my rival until Kakashi can come to terms with what he exposed to Genma. That is one of the first times that I've heard him mention his father's suicide so openly."
"He did what?" Tsunade gasped, "I want to hear the whole story of Genma's retrieval from the beginning. Kakashi has never spoken of his father's suicide. This is a first for the brat."
Raidou tuned out the story as he watched his lover sleep. Genma looked peaceful. Very peaceful.
"I hope Ibiki was right and you've turned a corner," Raidou thought as he brushed a hand through Genma's thick hair, "You terrified me today, Baby. I hope you and I can heal together. It is truly time for you to have some peace in your life."
Tsunade had Genma taken to a new room in the psych ward and surprisingly allowed Raidou to have a cot in the room. The scarred jonin slipped under the blankets and slept deeply for hours until he was pounced upon.
"Oof!"
Raidou opened his eyes in surprise only to stare at his lover's beaming smile. This was the type of smile that the scarred jonin had rarely seen from Genma and very much cherished the few times he'd been graced with such an open expression.
"I saw her, Rai," Genma gushed, keeping his wrists against his chest as he grinned wider, "I did. She came to me and I saw her and she was so angry at Father."
"Who, Baby?" Raidou asked, deciding to go along with this happier Genma as he sat up to settle his lover against his hip, "Who came to you?"
"My kaasan, Rai," Genma explained, "She sang to me and she made a lot of the hurt go away and she told me that she was going to kick Father's ass when his time comes. Father won't like that very much, but Kaasan is angry and she moves mountains when she's angry. I have her temper too, did you know that?"
"I didn't," Raidou denied, enjoying the brighter eyes of his lover, "I'd like to hear all about your kaasan one day."
"I'll tell you all about her. I promise," Genma continued before sighing softly, "Kaasan made me understand that Father shouldn't have hurt me. I didn't know, Rai. I just thought…I thought that I had done something wrong to have Father hate me so much. Did you know I've let him steal my earnings for years? That's really stupid, isn't it?"
"I read that in your journal. Ibiki still has your journal and I'll get it back for you. How many years did that bastard do that?" Raidou demanded before calming as Genma flinched and looked down, "No, Gen. I'm not angry at you and I don't think you have ever been stupid. I think you were just trying to survive and be a good son. I'm glad you dreamed of your kaasan."
"Not a dream," Genma denied with another beaming grin, "She came to me and told me she loves me and is proud of me and made a lot of the shame and pain go away. She told me that when she couldn't be there for me that you'd be there because you love me and I love you too. She likes you and told me to tell you that your father appreciates the mochi you leave at his shrine."
Raidou blinked in shock. No one knew that he left mochi for his father. That was a father-son treat that they'd snuck behind his mother's back since she was against sweets and the sneaking had stuck with him. The only way that Genma could know was…was if Gen's deceased mother really had talked to his deceased father. Wonders of all wonders.
"Gen, you tell your kaasan that I'll always be there for you when you see her again and I'm glad she knows how much I love you," Raidou urged as his lover grinned wider, "And tell her thank you for taking care of her little boy for me. I'm so glad that she could help with some of your pain. How do you feel now, Baby?"
"A little better. I broke really badly, but I want to get better now, Rai," Genma hummed, looking relaxed for the first time in a long time, "It still hurts here inside of me, but not so sharply anymore. Ibiki said there were ways to deal with pain like that I'm going to learn how. Rai, I've scared you a lot, haven't I?
"Very much, Baby," Raidou admitted as his lover frowned, "But sometimes pain has to be released. Yours has been building up for a long time. You were going to break eventually, but I'm glad that you want to get better again because I need you and love you so much. Let me see those wrists. Are they hurting you, Gen?
"Yes," Genma admitted as Raidou gently massaged the healing wrists through the armguards, "And I'm hungry, Rai."
Raidou beamed happily that Genma seemed to have truly turned that corner. His lover was ready to heal finally and admitting to what he was feeling without anger. Genma would be able to listen to counseling and express himself rationally now. Raidou got a nurse to retrieve the Hokage and Tsunade was more than happy to see to Genma's wrists. Genma ate some miso soup before falling back to sleep, tucked snug in his bed.
"Genma's so tired and emotionally drained that we were seeing the child within him that no longer feels abandoned just now. The more he strengthens, the more we'll see the true Genma reemerge. He's going to heal finally," Tsunade grinned out as Raidou sighed in relief, "His wrists are doing better and the more food we can get in him the faster his tissue will heal. Genma wants to live again."
"Thank God," Raidou breathed, sitting heavily in a chair, "Hokage-sama, there is one more problem. Goro Shiranui has been stealing monies from my baby. I think if I dealt with that I'd kill the man. Can I pay for a mission and request Ibiki to handle getting Gen's monies back?"
"On the house!"
Tsunade chuckled as Ibiki could be seen stalking past the observation window on the way out of the ward.
"I think Konoha can do that one for free," Tsunade offered, "Go back to sleep, Raidou. You look dead on your feet."
"Hai, Hokage-sama."
Raidou slept well and woke with Genma curled up next to him. Ibiki grinned at the startled jonin and helped Raidou slip from the cot.
"You've been dead to the world for over a day," Ibiki whispered, "Genma was very worried so I allowed him to sleep next to you on a cot I shoved up next to yours. We've been having trouble getting him to eat or sleep until he knew you were alright."
"You should have woke me up then," Raidou gasped before stilling as Genma shifted and slowly sat up, "Morning, Baby."
"Afternoon, Rai," Genma corrected with a snort, "Feel better?"
"Mmhm," Raidou agreed, sitting beside his lover to pull him close and revel in his warmth, "Much better."
"I'm glad you both are awake because I need to explain how Genma's therapy is going to go," Ibiki spoke up as the two jonin looked over, "Raidou, it is time to give Genma some space again. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
"No!" Genma snapped.
"Gen, we need to listen to Ibiki," Raidou urged as Genma flushed, "Let him finish explaining why he is asking that. The sooner you heal, the sooner I can take you home with me, okay?"
"Hai, Raidou," Genma sighed, but gave a small smile when his boyfriend squeezed him softly.
"Genma, you need to sort out your feelings without distractions," Ibiki continued, "You are finding yourself again, but your true self is still a little fractured. You and I are going to help you figure out ways to put yourself back together and be whole again. When I see that your decisions are completely your own again, Raidou will be allowed to visit. I will, however, allow him to come see you through the window you hate so much everyday so you know he is close, okay?"
Genma scowled softly, but eventually nodded.
"I understand," Genma sighed, "I want to go home with Rai so I'll listen and get better. I'm ready to do that now. I promised my kaasan to be strong again and I want to. I want to be the shinobi I once was."
"That you still are," Ibiki pointed out, "You just need to be reminded of your strength and learn new skills to deal with your feelings."
Raidou felt torn in half when he left Genma, but his boyfriend swore to listen and get better. The scarred jonin was glad to see this side of his lover and held in his emotions to say goodbye for just a short while. Raidou groaned once outside of the room, wanting to run back inside to stay by his Gen and never leave his side. Genma knew or sensed the truth and signed through his window a minute later to Raidou. "See soon." "Love" "Be strong." "I fight."
"I love you, Baby," Raidou mouthed as he placed his palm against the glass where Genma's hand rested before Ibiki shooed Raidou away and shut the curtains to the observation window from the inside.
The jonin sighed and then decided to see how his downed comrade was doing.
"How is he?" Raidou asked Asuma a few moments later once he had found where Kakashi's hospital room was located.
"No change from before," Asuma admitted as the two of them watched Gai holding his rival's hand, looking beyond worried at the limp man in the bed, "It's nearly been three days and Kakashi hasn't moved a muscle. His breathing is good, but Lady Tsunade has some IVs hooked to his arm since he's getting dehydrated and needs nutrients."
"Is this like before with Itachi?" Raidou questioned.
"No. Itachi sent Kakashi into an unconscious state by ripping apart the man's mind with the sharingan. Lady Tsunade was able to heal the damage and Kakashi woke back up. This is something different. Kakashi's mind isn't aware or active. Gai is blaming Hound, but we don't know what is going on."
"I wonder if this is a catatonic state like what my Gen went through after reliving his attack," Raidou thought aloud.
"Gai brought that up and the Hokage denied that," Asuma sighed, "It's not like Kakashi doesn't want to wake up, but more like he can't. Lady Tsunade is trying to figure out what will shock Kakashi back to awareness."
"Not good. I hope Baby doesn't hear of this or he'll blame himself for Kakashi's condition," Raidou fretted.
"Shouldn't be hard since Genma's in a locked down ward," Asuma mentioned before pausing as Raidou chuckled, "What?"
"You would be amazed what Genma can find out about no matter where he is," the scarred jonin snickered, "He discovers any secret I try to keep from him. Don't ever try to throw him a surprise party, but I know my Gen. He'll blame himself for Kakashi's collapse."
"He shouldn't," Asuma replied, "Kakashi has been holding some important emotions inside of him for too long. Hound was able to get through to Genma, but Kakashi obviously wasn't able to handle the sharing. That is between Kakashi and Hound."
"Doesn't mean that my Gen won't try to take responsibility," Raidou denied, "Life is simply life, but Kakashi and Genma have both been handed some real shit in their time."
"I have every bit of faith that both Genma and Kakashi will learn to handle what they've been through," Asuma urged as Raidou offered a tight smile, "It just seems that Kakashi needs a little more time to come back to us to learn to deal with his. That's all."
Time passed and before anyone realized it a month had gone by since Genma's running. The broken man continued to work to put himself back together again and Kakashi remained still to the world. Many were fretting over the Copy-nin's condition, but no medical intervention seemed to work to wake the nin. Another problem was that one night Genma escaped again. Raidou discovered the empty room first on his daily, morning visits to Gen's window and freaked along with Ibiki.
"Stop," Tsunade ordered as Raidou and Ibiki were about to hit the hospital alarm, "Come see what I found."
Raidou shared a look with Ibiki and the two followed their Hokage…straight to Kakashi's room. Gai was trembling and crying his "manly" tears while keeping himself carefully hidden from whatever was happening inside the room.
"What is going on?" Ibiki asked before Tsunade offered a beaming grin.
"Is my Gen in there?" Raidou demanded before grunting as Gai hugged him joyfully, "Gah! Let go, Gai. Let me see."
"Look at the passionate youthfulness!" Gai glowed before scowling as Ibiki refused a hug, "Downer."
"Weirdo," Ibiki snapped back, "Move."
To be continued…