I don't know what I've done or if I like what I've begun - Where I Stood - Missy Higgins

Tonks had a long, lonely weekend. She thought it best for her to stay home and yet staying home felt even more lonely. She slept most of Saturday, having been up all night, but she decided that she would go out on Sunday.

She woke early on Sunday morning, having spent the better half of a whole day sleeping, at seven. She crawled out of bed in her blue flanelette pyjama bottoms and an old Weird Sisters shirt. She she stumbled into the kitchen to make herself a hot chocolate for breakfast she found, much to her dislike, she was out of Honeydukes Specialty Hot Chocolate Drink Mix. Tonks hadn't planned her day as of yet but at this she quickly decided a day out in Hogsmeaded was the go. She'd visit Honeydukes for some hot chocolate mix and other sweets she might fance, Gladrags Wizardwear to maybe buy herself a bright new scarf for winter, and then go for a drink at the Three Broomsticks.

She dressed slowly, pulling on a denim skirt, a black shirt, purple cloak, striped rainbow socks and her favourite boots. She attempted to change her hair colour back to pink but it remained lifeless and dull. Tonks made an annoyed sniff at her inability to change her hair as she pulled out her wand and Disapparated to High Street in Hogsmeade.

The cheery faces surrounding her suddenly made her feel a little lighter as she strolled down the street to Gladrags. She walked into the shop, which was almost empty except for the witch at the counter and a little old lady looking at hats. Tonks had a wander around loooking at birantly coloured robes and cloaks before finding the scarf rack. At such a variety her mind felt it hard to catch up with what her eyes were looking at. There were scarves galore. Scarves that changed their tartan pattern every few seconds, scarves that were made of something soft and feathy, scarves for chirstmas that hummed Christmas carols, scarves with moving stripes. Tonks finally decided on a deep purple coloured scarf sprinkled with little flashing silver stars. She paid for her new scarf and left the store. Out on the street it was a windy day, strange for summer. Men, women and their families bustled about against the strong winds. She passed a couple holding hands and she felt a little tug at her heart. Tonks walked a bit fasted away from them.

She spent the morning peering into shop windows, not particularly buying anything, just happy to look. She stopped off at the Three Broomsticks for a Butterbeer in the early afternoon. She saw a few people she knew but somehow she felt she didn't want to talk with them. Tonks avoided eye contact as she drank the warm, golden liquid, feeling her mood lift. She loved that about Butterbeet, that it made her feel all happy and warm inside.

Tonks left the Three Broomsticks an hour later, three Butterbeers fuller, and a whole heap happier. She strolled around Hogsmeade feeling light and floaty and she couldn't help smiling. Tonks was almost about to call it a day whn she realised she hadn't gone to Honeydukes. Oh how she loved Honeydukes Wall the wall sweets in so many different types and flavours you couldn't even name them all. A little bell tinkled above her as she walked into the shop. A delightful sugary scent instantly filled her nostrils. Tonks's first move was to the Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans, he absolute favourite. She chose out the largest box and clutched it in her hands as she browsed through the 'special effects' section, before moving to the wall where every variety of Honeydukes chocolate was laid out before her. There was the ordinary milk chocolate, whie chocolate and dark chocolate, then there was mint chocolate, custard white chocolate, chocolate with honeycomb, chocolate with cherries, marbled chocolate, each with it's own unique tase and velvety texture. Tonks grabbed a tin of drinking chocolate mix and surveyed the blocks of chocolate, pondering on which to buy. She had just went to reach for a slab of white chocolate when the little bell above the door tinkled and a gust of wind came in along with the man who also stepped across the threshold. Tonks grabbed her chocolate and turned to look at the customer just out of curiosity. Her eyes widened; it was Remus. She looked at him and quickly ducked out of sight, peering through the shelf between the chocolate wall and the shelf filled with acid and blood pops. Her eyes follwed Remus to the shelf holding the great slabs of chocolate, her heart racing. She watched as he stood pondering over which chocolate to choose, eventually seeing his hand go for a block of dark chocolate. Tonks decided now was a good time to purchase her stuff and leave. She hurried over to the counter, handing over her beans, chocolate and drink mix as the friendly witche put them in a large paper bag. Tonks took no glances back as she paid for her things and left the store, the familiar tinkling sound ringing above her.

---------------

'Well that was odd,' thought Remus.

He had justed popped into Honeydukes to pick up a nice supply of chocolate for a week (he liked to have chocolate during full moon) when he heard a tinkling sound as the door opened and a familiar, young, heart-shaped faced witch in rainbow socks left carrying a large paper bag. He was most certain Tonks hadn't seen him or else otherwise he might have struck up a conversation with her and invited her to talk over a drink at the Three Broomsticks. He stood for a moment considering which block of dark chocolate to buy, eventually making his decision. He was about to make his way to the counter when he found himself surveying a selection of sweets. Something told him to buy a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans, so he grabbed one of the smaller boxes and took it to the counter to pay. Something inside him told him that the beans might do some good throughout the week.

Remus stepped out into the windy street looking around himself. He couldn't find any sign of Tonks. Remus sighed as he trudged up High Street clutching his chocolate and beans to the Three Broomsticks for a firewhisky to drink alone.

---------------

Tonks was breating heavily. She had taken a few steps away from Honeydukes and Apparated home instantly. She was sitting at ther kitchen table, her back straight and her eyes wide.

'Bloody Hell!' she thought, 'why didn't I just talk to him then?'

Tonks stood up, blank expression on her face, shopping bags left unpacked and walked straight to her bedroom. She laid on her bed staring at the white ceiling, her heart beating and her mind on the one man. She was like this for a few hours before she finally fell asleep.

---------------

Remus packed a bag with a good book, chocolate and a change of clothes. It was going to be a long night. He had a small shack up in the mountains in a very isolated place. He knew for sure that no one knew it's whereabouts and he made sure of it. He went on Tuesday afternoon, prepared for a painful night by himself.

---------------

He woke with a start. It was wednesday, around midday, sun pouring in through the windows, warm on his scratched and bleeding skin. He felt his cheek; a long scratch etched into it convered with dried blood. Remus gave a huge yawn and pulled himself up from the floor as he searched around for his bag. He didn't want to be here a moment longer. He grabbed his stuff and apparated home where he spent the day sleeping.

---------------

There was a knock at the door.

Tonks groaned. It was a hot night and she'd had troubled getting to sleep. She rolled out of bed wearing nothing but a daggy singlet top and a paid of short shorts. It really was that hot.

There was another knock.

"Alright!" she called grumpily as she felt her away along the hall, lighting up the room with her wand.

There was another knock.

"Bloody Hell!" she cursed, "I'm coming alright! Just hold your - Remus!"

He stood in her doorway wearing what looked like his pyjamas: as paid of striped pyjama bottoms and an old shirt accompained by a pair of holey slippers. He had a box of Bertie Botts in his hands.

"I - uh - fancied a chat," he said, a little startled by Tonks's attire.

"At three in the morning?" she asked, giving a huge yawn without pardon.

Remus averted his eyes away from here.

"Well... I er... you see... I... well... yes."

Tonks opened the door wider, gesturing him inside. He nodded and entered, looking around at anything that wasn't the thin figure in short shorts, as the thin figure locked the door. Without a word Tonks walked into the kitchen, Remus followed hesistantly after her, trying his best not to look at her and rather around him. Tonks had gotten out two rather large mugs and was putting heaped teaspoons of Honeydukes Specialty Hot Chocolate Drinking Mix into them. She made the hot chocolates in silence as Remus stood there in her kitchen feeling quite uncomfortable and unsure whether or not to say anything. She handed him a floral mug and walked back into the lounge room and sat on the lounge. Remus followed her, pausing for a moment before her sat down next to her.

Tonks sat and stared deeply at the wall infront of them. Now that her face was well lit Remus could see just how ill she really looked. Tonks's hair had lost it's vibrant colour, her eyes gone colourless and her face had gotten paler. There was something about her posture that didn't seem right either, her shoulders were kind of slumped forward. Her appearance shocked Remus and he felt a pang of guilt stab him.

"You don't look well," said Tonks suddenly, still not looking at him.

Indeed he didn't. He was covered in fresh cuts and he must've looked extremely pale and he knew heavy dark patches hung below his eyes.

"I've felt better," Remus said truthfully. He took a sip of the hot chocolate Tonks had made for him. It warmed him up inside (despite the fact that the night was already very hot) and he suddenly felt a little bit happied to be sitting there on the little lounge with Tonks.

"So have I," said Tonks sadly.

Remus turned to look at her. She looked so genuinely sad.

"Remus why - ?"

"I'm sorry," he cut through.

Tonks gazed at him with questioning eyes.

Remus continued.

"I think I've been avoiding this but I also think we both need to talk about it..." he broke off.

There was an awkward silence.

"Me too," said Tonks with a sigh.

More awkward silence followed. Neither spoke for about three minutes, then...

"I love you."

Tonks could've dropped her mug then and there. These were the words she was least expecting to hear from him. She could've easily guessed that her face was a mixture of surprise, confusion, shock and elation. All she could do was stare at him and sutter. Remus raised a gentle hand to stop her from suttering.

"I love you," he repeated, Tonks heart doing a little flip. "It's just," there they were, the two words she didn't want to hear. "I don't think we can ever be together."

He broke from her gaze and sighed.

Tonks looked away also. She took a sip from her mug.

"Why, Remus?" she eventually asked, staring at the wall once again.

"Because..." he began, but stopping trying to choose the best words.

"Because of you?" Tonks offered in a small voice.

"Yes," Remus found himself forcing the word out of him as if he didn't want to.

Tonks merely nodded.

"I'm just not... right. I'm too old and I haven't got a job and... I'm too..." this was the part Remus had trouble with. "I'm just too... dangerous."

He said this bitterly, shaking his head.

Tonks drained her mug and set it down on the coffee table infront of her. She ran one hand through her lank hair and sighed.

"You know, Remus, I really don't care. Age is nothing and these days most jobs are controlled by the Ministry and you know... I hate the Ministry, you know that!" she paused, Remus sat really still - there was one more thing he needed to hear. "And remus, I know. I know that you're a werewolf. I'm aware of that and I don't care. It never stopped us from being friends, why should it stop us from being together? Remus, there's nothing to stop us."

He was quiet. It was Remus's turn to stare at the wall now. Tonks looked at him, wishing he would say something but he said nothing. She decided not to press on, instead she got up and picked up the two mugs and took them back to the kitchen - he didn't follow. Tonks cleaned the mugs silently, not wanting to go back into the lounge room and disturbing his thoughts. She knew she'd have to though. She glanced at the kitchen clock; it read four fifteen. Little talking had happened within the hour and a quarter and she was sure not much more was going to happen.

When Tonks reluctantly returned back to the loungeroom she was shocked to find Remus sitting there, his eyes red and his face wet, and he was holding the box of beans he had brought over. He looked up when he felt her presence and smiled a little.

"I, uhm, brought you some beans," he said quietly.

Tonks smiled and sat back down next to him.

"Thankyou," she said to him.

Remus opened the box and drew out a tiny, pink bean and gave it to her. She popped it in her mouth and smiled.

"Coconut ice," she smiled, taking the box from him and drawing out a small brown bean. She was uncertain for a moment whether to give him the bean. Tonks had had bad experiences with brown beans. She felt, though, this time may be different. She gave the bean to Remus who put it in his mouth and pulled a funny face.

"Oh..." breathed Tonks, worried that the brown bean had failed her again.

Remus, noticing her look of worry, laughed.

"I was kidding around, Tonks. It was chocolate milkshake."

The both laughed.

"Did you knwo these were my favourite?" asked Tonks.

"I had a feeling the might be," said Remus as he carefully chose another pink bean out for Tonks, knowing that pink was the safest coloured bean there was. He leaned over and carefully placed the bean in her mouth. The touch of her lips on his fingers sent a shiver up his spine.

Tonks felt the same. His fingers on her lips made goosebumps erupt on the back of her neck. She chewed the bean, swallowed it and smiled.

"Strawberry cheesecake," she choked a little, taking another brown bean from the box.

She leaned in slowly, popping the bean in his mouth, feeling the goosebumps come back with the feel of his lips on her fingers. His shivers came back at the feel of her fingers in his lips.

"Chocolated" he choked a little, taking yet another pink bean.

He edged closer to her. Remus placed the tiny, pink bean in her mouth but his hand gently lingered, holding the side of her delicate face. He felt her jaw move as she chewed the bean and he felt her moved at she swallowed it.

"Bubblegum," she whispered, her eyes wide and locked with his.

Remus lent in closer, their faces only centimetres apart. He lifted up his other hand gently to her face.

He lent in closer, their lips touching. He kissed her. She kissed him. His hands gently holding her face, her hands tangled in his greying hair. They stayed this way for what seemed an age, holding each other close.

Remus broke away from her, for a second gazing longingly into Tonks's eyes, which seemed to sparkle. He let go of her face and a wave of guilt washed over him. He looked at her in the eyes and realised.

"Oh God..." he breathed worridly.

Tonks's eyes lost their sparkle almost immediately.

Remus looked around the room wildly. He was still very close to her.

"Oh God," he repeated, standing up shaking his head.

"Remus..."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I shouln't have done that... I shouldn't've..."

"But..."

"I'm sorry, Tonks. That should not have happened," he was very quiet. "I should go."

"But, Remus..."

He moved towards the door.

"I'm sorry," he repeated over and over again as he opened it.

"Remus," said Tonks, gently touching his elbow.

He looked her in the eye, both sets were filled with sadness.

"I'm sorry," Remus said one last time, looking into her colourless eyes and shaking his head.

There was a small click as she shut the door and a small 'pop' as he left.

Tonks stood facing the door which Remus had left from, he hand up to her cheek which he had held only moments ago. She felt herself shaking and she let the tears flow freely from her eyes.

---------------

Remus was furious with himself. He threw things around his bedroom. Books, clothes, pillows, a burnt out candle, a half eaten chocolate bar, all were lying out of place across the floor. He sank low on his bed, breathing heavily, his face stained with tears.

What had he done? He had gone over there to talk to her, to tell how much he loved her, to explain why they couldn't be togetherm so appologise, maybe to fix things. Instead he had made things worse. He had kissed her. He had kissed her after telling her they couldn't be together. He was such a hypocrite.

Remus had no idea how on earth he was going to be able to talk things over with her now. She would be hurt and furious. He didn't even know if she would want to talk to him. What would she do if he turned up tomorrow wanting to talk? Would she invite him in and let him explain even more things? Or would she just close the door on him? He had really messed things up now.

He glanced at the clock on his bedside table, it ready five forty. He was dead tired. Grabbing one of the pillows he had thrown furiously around the room, Remus laid it under his head as he curled up tightly under the blankets, his face still wet from tears. If Sirius had been here he would know exactly what to say. But he wasn't here and Remus was on his own.

---------------

Tonks woke late that morning finding herself curled up on her lounge with a spilt box of beans around her. She propped herself up on her elbow, he mind processing the scene. When she finally understood, tears began to well in her eyes. She blinked them back as she got up and began replacing the beans in the box, one by one. Once she had recollected all the beans she knelt on her soft carpeted floor, her elbows folded on the seat of the lounge. She ran her fingers over her lips, remembering vividly the lips of his on hers. She tried hard to shake this memory out of her head but it was just must too strong and so hard to forget. She couldn't quite understand what she was feeling for Remus at this stage. Half of her was deeply in love with him, the other half was a mix on anger and hurt. She picked up the box of beans that had be ever so carefully packed and dropped them in the bin with a hollow thud sounding afterwoods.

Wow, that came quick. Hope you enjoyed this chapter, I reckon some of you may have. Tune in for chapter four some time in the next decade (I'm so slow at getting these chapters up, it's such a problem).