Author's Note: As always we're gonna start out with a thanks to all of you who are sticking with this hella slow slowburn and are getting into the story for more than gratuitous sex scenes (because honestly who doesn't love some smut now and then?) and are still reading, reviewing, favorite-ing(?) and following lol. Kairianna864! Because we share Fitz love! ^.^ MichaellaD – Thank you for always keeping me on my toes. I warn you bromance is forthcoming, hopefully I make it believable enough for you lol. ^.~ MarvelMatt – glad to see you're still sticking with me! ata7226 – thanks SO much for the support!
Alright folks here we go! Happy Reading!
Disclaimer: Things are owned. But not by me.
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If he didn't move too much the little star bursts didn't inhibit his vision. His motor function was way below normal for him, between the brace which he planned to rip off as soon as he left, and the gauze which he was going to have to deal with. He'd already taken the main bandage that was on his skull off. He'd pissed off too many people to walk around with a target taped to the back of his head.
When Simmons saw him in mid-bandage removal she'd paused for a moment considering him, and then turned around and left the Medbay without saying a word.
They'd been back at The Playground for only a few days, and that entire time he'd spent going over the scene on the Bus. It'd seemed like he and Skye were finding some middle ground, but he hadn't seen her since that night.
Giving him just the amount of time he needed to talk himself out of digging into his past… and his psyche.
"What the hell are you doing?" Ward hesitated only a moment before shoving the last bit of gear in his duffel bag. There hadn't really been anything to pack, but he'd reorganized long enough for her to hear from Fitz that he'd decided not to do the lab rat thing.
It hadn't taken long.
"Leaving." He stated, zipping up the bag with a few jerking movements.
"I see that genius." She spat, tearing the duffel out from under his hands and slinging it across the floor into the farthest corner of the room.
"Skye." The word dripped with warning as he turned to retrieve the bag only to be met with five and a half feet of seething brunette.
"So once again you're so full of shit your eyes are brown, is that it?" She blocked his way again when he tried to move around her.
"I never said I'd do it." He countered, holding his ground.
"Right." She scoffed, his eyes drawn down to her mouth with the puff of air that accompanied the derision. "So you really are just fine with not knowing? With the only explanation being that you're a psychopath?"
"I'm willing to accept myself for what I am!" He snapped, unable to keep his practiced calm with this infuriating, pint sized ball buster. "Which is more than I can say for you."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Oh come one Skye! I know where that team abducted you from. The damn house that Banner built! And what happened with your father? You're not learning to accept what or who you are." He ground out, gesturing to her yellow blotched arms and looming over her. "You're just trying to suppress it. That only ends one of two ways, you explode, like you did at the base, or you snap, and the people that have been your family," he said the word like something filthy, "hunt you down like a rabid animal. Like just another wolf running rampant."
Her hands flew up and slammed into his chest. He staggered back a step, blinking multicolored clouds from his vision. She pursued his backpedaling path, slugging him across the jaw and shoving him into the concrete wall.
You lying bastard! Son of a bitch! You lying-
He blinked rapidly, trying to clear the memories from his mind in time to see Skye coming up toe to toe with him.
"Don't try to make this about me." Her voice was controlled fury. "We both know this is about you once again being too scared, too weak, to do what's right. You're so damn scared of even hoping you're something besides the monster that tried to kill his friends that you're running. Again. Instead of just talking to me about it! Again! Can you just for once think about what this team needs?"
"That is what I'm doing." He snarled, regaining his balance. "You all just can't accept the fact that someone you thought you knew, someone you cared for, wanted," he nearly hissed, inches from her face, "could be such a monster without you knowing it. And worse," he continued, crowding her till their bodies almost touched, "that even after all of that. You still do."
Her lips colliding with his was more shocking in that moment than the bullets through his side ever had been. Small hands with sharp nails grasped the back of his neck, and the body of a person that could rip the earth apart surged into him. Like the force of nature she was, she stole his breath and set fire to the places she touched.
His back hit the wall and entire galaxies appeared behind his eyelids. Grasping some semblance of control he brought his hands up to her sides. He pulled her harder against him until her toes lifted from the floor, her weight from chest to knee his only anchor. She opened her mouth at the same moment he did rolling her tongue against his.
And finally without breath he was no longer suffocating.
The fingernails at his nape dug light furrows down to his shoulders. He growled his approval, deepening the kiss. Questing fingers ran over the small expanse of her back. A spot just below the nape of her neck had her shivering against him. Filing away this reaction for future interactions, he ran his fingertips down her spine searching for another…
As suddenly as it began she wrenched herself away from him.
Steam should've been rising from his body the way his skin felt. In the wake of her sudden departure his muscles clenched in freezing protest. She stood a couple steps back, one hand to her mouth, the other to her stomach. Doe eyes wide and staring, she didn't move. And so neither did he, back pressed to the wall. A few struggling heartbeats later had him shoving hands into pants pockets. The only way he could stop them from reaching after her.
Her response had been the opposite of what he'd expected. Whenever he'd gone for the hard sale with Skye, from day one, she'd seen through it and shot him down cold. No intimidation or lecturing worked on her from him.
He knew too, that pursuing her would end badly she had that skittish look, so he remained where he was, waiting.
After a moment or two her gaze slipped up to his. He felt like he had a punctured lung, he couldn't seem to keep a full breath. Her look was uncharacteristically unreadable. He tried to keep his own neutral.
When she did finally speak she had her May-trained calm back.
"You're. Not. Leaving." His teeth clenched over the argument that bubbled up. He gave one curt nod instead. She pointed emphatically at the bed. He raised an eyebrow in question. "Get back into bed, before you fall over, I'll go get Fitz so we can get started."
He stared at her for several moments before tearing his back from the wall, one vertebra at a time. He didn't trust himself getting too close to her.
What the hell is wrong with me? Didn't I just get done saying there wasn't anything between us?
Coming to a stop in front of her, he watched as she crossed her arms.
Was it to stop from touching him?
Keeping his eyes locked on hers he reached down, and sliding his fingers underneath the hem of his spare thermal, began pulling it up over his stomach.
Her eyes trailed down to where the muscles of his abdomen came into view. Pulling the shirt over his head he dropped it to the bed before reaching for the button of his jeans. She watched him for a moment more, before turning quickly and making her way to his bag, rummaged through it before coming up with sweats and a white tee.
Without a word she tossed these articles onto the bed before striding from the room, duffel in hand without a backwards glance at him. Shaking his head he changed quickly. His mind was running on over drive as he folded his other clothing and stacked them on a nearby counter. Climbing back into the bed he closed his eyes with a deep sigh.
If he were being honest with himself he'd admit he was grateful for the impediment to his leaving. His head alternated between stabbing pain and a too tight too big and heavy feeling that made him inordinately tired. The bones throughout his body ground and creaked against one another.
And also, he didn't really have anywhere to go. They didn't need to know that.
"We need to talk." Eyes snapping open he looked to see May and Simmons entering the room, both looking decidedly unhappy.
Wonderful. My fan club has arrived.
Nodding, he knew it didn't matter if he wanted to talk to them or not. May didn't need another reason to cross him off and Simmons was in charge of his medical care.
Terrifying as that was.
"We saw what just happened." Simmons said coldly with a wave to the security camera.
"All of what happened?" He questioned, wondering how badly this was going to be.
"Of course." May said with a smile that made him shift uncomfortably. "Otherwise you'd be dead, not having a pleasant conversation."
"Yeah. That's exactly what I'm experiencing."
"What did you say to her?" Simmons demanded, ignoring him.
"That I was leaving."
"Which you've since changed your mind about, unfortunately." Simmons muttered.
"You said more than that." May this time, unflinching.
"No audio on those cameras?"
"Answer. Now."
"I did." He replied. He knew now why Garrett was always warning him about weakness. This team was undoing him in turns. Skye hadn't been wrong in the beginning when she'd likened him to a machine, a robot.
Now they took turns, plucking at his cables, flicking the switches, wrecking the mechanics. Normally such a casual interrogation wouldn't even come close to causing an emotional reaction. Now he felt one more prod away from an explosion.
Complete system failure.
"You, wanting to leave, made her kiss you?" Simmons said.
"After she punched you." May added.
"Things were said. We obviously still know how to press the other's buttons."
"Did you manipulate her?"
"What?" They did see her punch him right?
"Did you attempt to trigger that response in order to gain a foothold back into her life?"
"No."
"Are you working with another organization in order subvert S.H.I.E.L.D.?"
"No. That was last year."
"Don't make me hit you."
"No. I'm freelance. No ties. To anything."
"Except Skye."
"She kissed me."
"Because you goaded her."
"I thought she'd make me leave!" He snapped, cursing silently when Simmons raised her eyebrows and May's mouth ticked up at his outburst.
Fuck it. They're going to be shredding my brain looking for that bullshit brainwashing anyway.
"I was trying to elicit an emotional response. But it wasn't to get in. I told Skye if she didn't get to the point of accepting herself for who she was now it would end badly. That's when she hit me. I told her there wasn't going to be any good done by Fitz's tests. That the only reason she couldn't accept that is because she still had feelings." When no one spoke his head dropped back to the pillow. "For me. Still had feelings for me."
"So you were trying to get in her head." Simmons said sounding confused.
"No." May said, his eyes flicked over and saw her considering him carefully. "No. Skye doesn't go for the hard sale." He wasn't surprised how similarly he and May thought. "You try to bully her into something she'll rail against you twice as much. If he tried slamming feelings down her throat she'd kick his ass just to prove him wrong." He noticed that this revelation made May even more uncomfortable.
He was lucky they'd shared the experience of being Skye's S.O. and knowing what that entailed, knew that she wasn't one to be cowed or coddled. What her reaction meant for each of them was more disturbing than the idea of her being manipulated.
He wasn't sure he could survive her twice.
"You're saying she does have feelings for him?" Simmons whispered quietly to May, he'd closed his eyes and didn't hear or see May's reaction. When it remained silent he opened them to find himself alone in the medical ward once more.
I'm so very fucked.
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Skye found Fitz in his room. He sat quietly at his desk holding the small form of Judas in his hands as the little monkey gnawed happily on a chunk of banana. When she knocked on the open door two sets of bright eyes jerked up to look at her.
"Ready?" He asked and she nodded wordlessly. Of course Fitz had known she'd change Ward's mind, or break his legs so he couldn't leave. She doubted he was overly selective on the matter. With an answering nod he placed his new friend into the giant cage taking up a quarter of the small room.
They walked silently for a moment or two. She could feel his darting gaze. She waited. Fitz wouldn't be able to stay quiet if he really thought he needed to-
"Are you sure you're alright with this?"
There it was.
"Sure. I mean. As much as I can be." And then because he remained staring at her as they went around another corner she turned the focus around. Thinking too much was bad. Like about kissing Ward. That was bad. Liking it. A lot. So much worse. "What about you Fitz? We're going to be asking a lot of questions in there. What happened that day is probably gonna be a focus."
He nodded emphatically as they stopped by his lab station. Gathering up the necessary materials for his first session with the man that almost killed him.
"Things feel differently now."
"What do you mean? Since the Bus?"
"No, well yes, obviously much different since that God awful day." They walked down several hallways while she waited for him to continue. Knowing he still had problems getting out the thoughts in his mind. Especially if they were difficult for him emotionally.
They stopped in front of the infirmary doors. They could see Ward lying on the bed. Eyes closed and appearing for all the world like he was sleeping peacefully. She could almost forget all the terrible things that he'd done.
And for just a moment she could appreciate the way his mouth had moved over hers. How she'd wanted to feel the scrape of his recently trimmed beard along all the sensitive parts of her body. The sounds he made that had her breath catching as she watched him.
That moment disappeared when Fitz began speaking. Making her feel like the lowliest piece of shit on the planet. She was fantasizing about the man that had ripped Fitz's life apart. Had been wondering how they might repeat the event without being seen.
"There's a certain kind of…ehm, terror. A sinking terror that grips you." His free hand clenched next to her. "When you realize the person you look up to, depend on, to shield you against any enemy. Mutates, from that barrier, into an equally as competent weapon. That is used to choke the life out of you." His voice trembled and she watched his throat work.
"Fitz. We do not have to do this. He was ready to leave. Let him go. We don't have to-"
"When I said things were different." He continued, eyes never leaving the man on the bed. "I meant since he's been back this time. I know it might sound strange or irrelevant. But do you remember him apologizing? When you found out about him being Hydra? When he was a prisoner here?"
She opened her mouth to say yes but then she remembered that it hadn't been until they were in the wreckage of the base that he'd said it.
"No. Actually. Not until we were trapped together. He always…"
"Made excuses yeah? He did the same before as well. When I-"
"Deprived him of oxygen until he almost passed out? I saw the video, seemed fitting."
"Yeah. Well, this time it was one of the first things he said. I was waiting for him to try explaining again, why he was a traitorous lying psychopath."
"But he didn't?"
"Ah well he said it was supposed to float. Which, it was, not that I told him that…Anyway… It might sound trivial but psychologically speaking, it shows ownership, instead of skipping that step and going straight to-" He did his Agent Ward voice that made Skye smile a little at the now bittersweet memory. "I'm Grant Ward, and I own my decisions, because talking about my feelings is scarier than fighting The Hulk, barehanded."
"So it's a baby step?"
"Right."
"Because he never apologized before."
"He never said sorry before." Fitz said nodding.
"Feels thin Fitz. I don't think any of us are willing to forgive him because he said sorry. What he did, what he does now, isn't ok."
"I don't think forgiving him is about that. Being ok with what he does, or what he's done." Fitz replied, finally turning to her. "I think it's about believing in him being able to be better." They held gazes for a moment longer before entering the room.
"Finally." Ward said, keeping his eyes closed until they came to the foot of his bed. "I thought you two were going to be gossiping out there all day."
Skye opened her mouth, something scathing about to pass her lips.
"Well I had to go over patient rules with Skye." Fitz slipped passed her, setting his supplies down on Ward's bedside table. "No yelling, no shoving, no hitting, and above all else no kissing the patient stupid. Interferes with the test results."
"Fitz!" She felt color rushing to her face turning her golden tones rosy.
"Really?" Ward said looking at her accusingly.
"Don't look at me! I didn't tell him!" She yelled in a high pitch, unbefitting a field agent.
"Then how does he know?" He snapped back eyes narrowed in disbelief.
"He must have seen it Super Spy!" She growled loudly gesturing to the cameras.
"Oh trust me." Fitz said flashing a light into the other man's eyes making him cringe back in pain. "Everyone has seen it."
"Oh God." She said covering her face with a hand.
"Is that necessary?" Grant grumbled as Fitz flicked the light in the other eye.
"Not at all. I can't gage anything Jemma hasn't already documented from pupil response." Skye watched as Ward jerked his head away clamping his eyes shut. Fitz clicked off the light with a little grin.
"Then why?"
"Did it hurt?"
"Yeah!"
"Well there you have it. Now as far as the two of you doing unspeakable things in Simmons' pristine infirmary. I'm sure the talk will die down soon."
"Right." Ward muttered, eyes still firmly squeezed shut.
"Oh don't be ridiculous, course they will. After my fourth or fifth showing of it on a loop in the rec room, with price of admission of course, people will be sick to death of it."
"Fitz!" She didn't know whether to smack or hug him.
"Fine, you can get in for free Skye."
"Fitz." Ward grated out not opening his eyes.
"Ward you can't come you're wounded." Before either field agent could protest further he continued. "Now then, let's go over every painful memory of your life." There was a clicking of his pen as he sat on a neighboring bed. "Shall we?"
"Gladly." Ward bit out, cracking open a caramel colored orb.
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Fitz was true to his word. Every time Ward shut down or got angry the little engineer would look at Skye who had taken a spot opposite Fitz. She would fix him with that gaze that made him feel like he was falling. Her eyes bottomless in a way that made that thought not at all clichéd.
After a while he felt like his insides had been through a meat grinder and set on fire. The only thing that kept the words hissing through his teeth was the way Skye was looking at him. He didn't know how all the terrible things he'd experienced through his childhood and adolescence with first his family and then Garrett made her get that clear almost hopeful look on her face but it kept him going regardless.
He'd torn flesh, broken bones, and killed people for this woman. Even though all that was massively preferable to reliving things he'd compartmentalized years ago, that damn kiss had awakened that little bastard.
Hope.
During one particular difficult story about one of Garrett's lessons involving his dog, Buddy. He noticed a look that passed between the members of his audience. He got near the end, where Garrett ordered him to kill the only other friend he'd had in years.
Pausing, he couldn't control the flashes of looking down at Buddy's trusting face and the look of open earnestness that had been mirrored in Fitz's. He knew other people might find this another thing to condemn him for, measuring Fitz against a dog. But to Ward, friendship hadn't ended at species, that's how he knew the importance of getting Judas to Fitz.
What kind of friend does that make you?
Thoughts of Kara assaulted him and he stumbled in his tale.
"Did you?" Fitz's voice pulled him back.
"What?"
"Kill him. Buddy."
"No. I pulled the trigger so he'd run. Watched him disappear in the forest through the scope of my rifle."
"So you never had any plans to actually kill him?"
"No. I did." Two sets of brows furrowed at him. "Garrett ordered me to. I had the gun pointed and ready."
"So you wanted to appease Garrett?" The little Scots prodded further.
"He'd given me a direct order." Grant answered, breathing uneven.
"So?"
"I had to obey."
"Why?"
"Because!"
"Because. Why?"
"It was a weakness!" Ward found himself sitting up in bed. Fists clenched and rage pumping through his body.
"Ward." His gaze shot to Skye, she had stood and was holding onto his bandaged wrapped hand. The synapses in his brain short circuited for a moment before sending feelings of pleasure and not impotent fury.
When his eyes fell to their entwined hands she pulled hers free, rubbing the hand in question against her jeans. Her face closed off again as May came in, breaking whatever tension had begun to grow.
"Skye. Coulson wants a word. Now."
"I bet he does." Fitz muttered. When the two women stopped on their way out and looked at him questioningly he shook his head. "We're fine here."
He continued making frenzied little notations onto the papers attached to his clipboard.
"Did I make her that way?" Ward asked, watching Skye pass from site.
"You certainly didn't help." Fitz said bluntly not stopping his current actions.
"Hmm. How's Judas?" He was relieved to see the slight grin that appeared on Fitz's face.
"Great. Really fantastic."
"That's good. You could bring him sometime, if you want." He swallowed hard when the writing came to a sudden halt.
"Eh, well I…" Fitz looked up and Ward tried to stop the way his mouth was pursing. He used to be able to keep a stony expression under torture…
What the hell is happening to me?
"Hey forget about it. Don't know what I was thinking."
"I'm sure he'd like that." Fitz said after a moment surprising him. "Nice field trip from his little house."
"House?"
"Well, eh five foot cage with different activities and toys arranged for optimal monkey business." Fitz answered, eyes back on his notes.
"I'm almost surprised you keep him caged."
"Well, I keep the door open when I'm in the room, most of the time he prefers it in there."
"Really?" Ward asked under his breath, doubt evident in his tone. Fitz looked at him from under his brows.
"I suppose he feels safe."
"Not all animals like being caged." Ward responded, reading the look in Fitz's eyes.
"Not all cages are bars with locks. Some are there to protect what's in them, to keep things out, more than in." Ward was the first to look away. "Depends on how the animal looks at it I guess."
"Yeah."
"Thanks for him. I know it was probably just an in to the team but he's quite wonderful. Much better than a dog, don't know what the hell I was thinking."
"Being reasonable just isn't your style." Ward agreed, eliciting a pleased smirk. "It wasn't by the way. Just a way to get in."
"Ah it doesn't matter." Fitz replied not looking up.
"Yes it does." Ward said emphatically drawing the other's gaze. "I get that you have no reason to believe me. Or anyone else here for that matter. But what I did to you and Simmons…I don't really go in for a higher power but if I did. What I did to you specifically, if I was going to be damned. That's what would have done it."
"Why?" Fitz said, brows knitted. "Why me specifically?"
"After everything I'd done. After everyone, including Skye, had given up on me. You were still trying to save me. To set me free from Garrett. When you hit that EMP and he went down…"
"I told you to let him die. And you didn't."
"And I didn't. But I saw in your face it was like we were back on that two man mission. You remember?"
"Of course."
"It was like we were right there. You telling me you'd told Coulson you were going to take care of me and you were still doing it. After everything. You still believed in me to be…good. And I still launched that pod and risked killing you. You and Simmons both."
He had to look away as Fitz dashed his hands under streaming eyes turning his back.
"Why couldn't you just let him die?"
"I wanted to. Most terrifying feeling in my life. I'd spent so long serving this man and in that instant I wanted him to die as much as you did. More even."
"But instead you came after me and Simmons."
"He gave me an order."
The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them and the hollowness of them made him shake his head. He expected his useless excuse to infuriate Fitz or make him stride out, speechless with contempt. Ward watched him freeze for a moment and prepared himself for the fallout.
"An order?"
"Yeah. I-"
"Fitz, Coulson wants your report on any progress from today, says he'll meet you in the lab." Skye interrupted with her entrance.
"Progress." Fitz muttered, turning his tear stained face towards them. "Right, yes, lots of progress. Good. We'll end then for today." Gathering up his things he passed by Skye, fingers tapping against his lips.
"Hey." Skye said stopping his mutterings. "You ok?"
"Hmm what? Yes fine." Looking back at Ward he smiled a little. "Tomorrow, same time, I'll bring Judas."
"Sounds good." Ward answered his already retreating form.
"What happened?" Skye asked coming to the side of the bed, obviously confused on if she should be angry or not.
"Confession?" He answered still looking towards the empty doorway.
Finally realizing she was still standing next to him he looked up to her, blinking sudden moisture from his eyes.
"You doing ok?" She questioned with raised eyebrows.
"Fine." He'd torn himself open internally enough for one day.
"Alright. Still planning on sticking around?"
"Coulson rip your ass for assaulting me?"
"Punching you? Proud Papa. Kissing you? I got the 'I'm not angry just disappointed' speech."
"Ouch. Well just do your best to keep your hands off me in the future."
"So you are staying." She stated, ignoring him. "I make no promises on the other." She said leaning into him suddenly. "Punching you is just so much fun." She pulled away with a smirk and he couldn't help reaching out with his braced hand and yanking her back.
She made a yelping noise of surprise as she went sprawling across his lap. He closed the space to her lips quickly, stopping right before making contact. Smiling when she didn't immediately pull away but stayed frozen and waiting.
"See you tomorrow then?" She nodded and he bumped his nose lightly into hers before pulling back without kissing her. "Good. You can help me feed the monkey." He grinned, brows waggling.
"You-!"
"Skye!" Coulson stood in the open doorway, clearly on his way to meet Fitz, open file in hand. "Do our talks mean nothing to you?"
"No! Coulson! I didn't…I mean…"
"Office! Now!" He said snapping the folder closed and striding off.
"Good luck with that." Ward chuckled quietly as her head fell back in a prayer for patience. Hopping up she glared at him so fiercely he had a moments doubt about trying to lighten the mood when a particularly unsettling smile crept up her lips.
"So." She began as she backed out of the room. "Do you want to find May so she can break your kneecaps or do you just want to wait here?" He opened his mouth to reply before looking towards the security camera that was focused dead center on him. Groaning he looked back to Skye who was waiting at the doorway.
"Here's fine."
"Excellent. See you tomorrow you poor, poor, bastard."
"Yeah." He muttered casting weary looks towards the camera. "See you tomorrow."
There we have it. Reviews are loved and appreciated. Thanks again for all the follows and favs. Hope nobody minds the little bro moment there. The Fitz/Ward relationship just rips my heart out so I wanted to have something between those two. Maybe this shouldn't be limited as simply a SkyWard fic… IDK well let me know my wonderful readers! See y'all next week! ^.~