The Snark Awakens

by jzhanfan

An epic parody/rewrite collaboration by a Family of Fans in reaction to the newest Star Wars movie. Laughter is the best medicine. This is a work in progress and has a team of authors, ranging in age from ten to fifty. Rated K for now, may escalate if the snark quotient rises to the point of poor taste, or if someone complains.

3. In Which Ben Solo Gets his Name

Episode 6.307 - In which Things Happen for Plot Reasons and Ben Solo gets his name

The New Republic is created but the Old Empire refuses to die. (Never mind why. Plot Reasons)

Leia goes on lots of missions and becomes a General. (more Plot Reasons)

Han and Chewie go on an exciting mission to the Wookiee's planet (apparently, based on something Small Boy read in a book he picked up at Target)

Leia is annoyed about this, because she doesn't get to go. (assumed, by Mom and Teenage Daughter, since we'd be annoyed if it was us)

Han comes back and apologizes for being gone so long. Leia forgives him and they make up. (some more non-PG activity is assumed by the adults in the audience since Han has installed a king-size bed in the Falcon and she follows him into their cabin to check it out).

Some time later, Leia gives birth to a son.

Han wants to name him "Falcon" (for the same reason someone we know wanted to name his firstborn son "Porsche")

Leia says "No way! You are not naming our kid after your ship!".

Chewie growls and Leia says, "Aww, that's so cute. If you had a son, you'd name him "Lumpy"? Well, we couldn't possibly take that name now, we'll save it for you."

Chewie has another suggestion, but Han says "No, you nutcase, we are not naming our kid after your father in law!"

Leia says, "I'm afraid to ask."

Han tells her and she shakes her head rapidly. "Nope, not Itchy, either."

Luke says, "Why not name him Anakin, after our dad?" Leia is appalled at this suggestion, but Han and Chewie simultaneously slap him upside the head and he falls to the ground unconscious, and everyone pretends not to have heard him.

Artoo goes "beep beep ba boop" and Leia and Han both look at Threepio to translate. "Artoo suggests you name your son Ben."

Han says, "You know, if it wasn't for that old man and his credits, I never woulda gone to that Death Star in the first place."

"Awwww…" Leia sighs, "and you never would have met me."

"Yeah, that too." Han agrees quickly. "Let's name him Ben."

The baby cries loudly, but since Baby is not one of Threepio's three million forms of communication (and the Doctor isn't in attendance), there is no one to translate, and the baby's true name, "Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All" is lost.

And his frustration begins to build...