A/N: I know this idea is super overdone in the HP fandom and I'm a little late to the craze, but I wanted to give it a whirl from a different point of view since most people do it from the Snape/Lily or James/Lily perspective. I wanted to explore Sirius and Snape's rivalry a little more closely after re-reading the books and thought that it seemed excessive even for old schoolboy enemies, hence where this idea originated! It will be something of a love square with Snape/Sirius/Lily/James, eventual James/Lily to stay in canon, but the focus being Sirius/Lily.
Hope you enjoy and please be sure to let me know how you like it!
"How did the experiment go?" Sirius asked her softly, and his eyes seemed darker in the torchlight. "I think it's too soon to release any results," she told him. He laughed. "Ah, Evans...," he sighed, smiling slightly. "I knew you were going to be trouble for me." (Sirius/Lily)
(Fall, 2000)
It had been three years since the end of the Second Wizarding War and Harry Potter, newly married and beginning his first year as an Auror, had finally taken the time to resolve the last bit of unfinished business with his personal affairs. After belatedly finishing his last year of Hogwarts with Ron and Hermione, sitting for their N.E.W.T.s a year later than most students, the three of them had been a bit behind as far as their personal lives. During his first year as a trainee Auror, he had spent the majority of his time at Number Twelve Grimmauld Place with Kreacher, who had fled the Death Eaters when they had searched the Black home. Harry had expected them to trash the place, but after finding them missing, they had left it as it had been – aging, decrepit, and a little dirty outside the kitchen and dining area. With Kreacher's help, the house had been restored to its old glory, though because it was so vast, Harry had often felt a little uncomfortable in the mansion. Nonetheless, it was close to the Ministry of Magic, had been convenient, and it was hard to justify paying for a flat when his godfather had left him an entire house to himself.
The last bit of business that he was now attending was visiting Sirius Black's vault in Gringotts. He knew that the goblins could automatically transfer the money to his own vault that he had inherited from his parents, but something had prevented him from doing so. The idea of using his godfather's money for anything had irked him, especially after he had discovered a third vault left to him. It was this third inheritance that he had recently discovered that had at last forced him to go to Gringotts.
"Blimey," Ron said with a touch of awe outside Gringotts as they waited for Hermione to arrive. "Snape left you his own inheritance?"
Harry grimaced slightly. "Not exactly...," he admitted and handed him the will as Hermione hurried up to them, her hair looking frizzier than ever and appearing somewhat harried.
"What's this?" she asked breathlessly, peering over Ron's shoulder.
Harry said nothing, looking away as the pair read through the will, hunching his shoulders against the cool wind. The Ministry official had explained that it had taken so long to get to him because the contents of the vault had to be examined since Snape had been a confirmed Death Eater. Harry should have expected that much, but he never would have thought that he would be left anything by Snape. After reading the will, he had realized quickly that it had not been left to him and the will had not been updated in many years – not since the year after Snape had graduated Hogwarts, in fact.
"Oh, my...," Hermione whispered, looking up to Harry with a stricken expression. "Harry..."
"He left it all to your mum?" Ron asked incredulously.
"Yeah," Harry answered, "so it automatically was left to me. Funny how that works out, isn't it?" He could still recall the flash of Snape's memories, of seeing Snape crying like a wounded animal in Dumbledore's office after he had learned of his mother's death. Even though Snape's long-term affection had changed Harry's perception of the man after his death, he still could not forgive Snape for how he had treated him in Potions class, nor how he had treated Sirius. There was a strange guilt associated to those resentful feelings, though, knowing that he owed Snape his life.
Neither of them said anything, which suited him fine. The convoluted nature of Snape's affection for Lily had lasted for years, well past his teenage years and into adulthood. Instead, he led the way into Gringotts and presented the two keys to the goblin. Harry felt the curious stares on him and could not help but share a wry smile with the other two, recalling the last time he had been to Gringotts. He had not needed to come here since their wild escape through the deeper levels on the back of a dragon.
The three zoomed through the vast tunnels and caverns of Gringotts, arriving at Snape's vault first. It was a small, humble vault. There were piles of money that Harry asked for the goblin to transfer to his own vault. He did not have quite the same attachment to Snape, nor the same feelings in regards to disturbing his possessions the way he did about his godfather. However, as the goblin performed the magic necessary to empty the money, Harry spotted what appeared to be a wooden box in the back corner. As Hermione and Ron lingered outside, Harry made his way to the box and picked it up, turning it over in his hands. It was no bigger than his torso and when he shook it, it made no noise.
"Would you like that transferred to your vault, as well?" the goblin asked him from his side.
"No," Harry said. "I'll take this with me. Let's go to the other vault."
Harry followed the goblin out and as they left, the goblin raised a hand and the lock miraculously disappeared. When Harry stared at him, the goblin bared his sharp teeth in a parody of a grin. "When a vault changes hands and is emptied, we remove the locks for the next witch or wizard."
"I see."
"What's that?" Ron asked as they got back into the cart.
"Dunno," Harry answered with a shrug. "It was in the back of Snape's vault. It doesn't make a sound when I shake it either."
There was no more time for conversation, though, as the cart started forward and whirled deeper down into the caverns of Gringotts. Downward they flew, into the high-security vaults where Harry knew most of the pure-blood family vaults must lie. He had always wondered what the Black family vault must look like, as Sirius surely would have inherited the entirety of the Black family inheritance – not that he had ever seemed thrilled by this thought.
Once they arrived at the vault, there were multiple locks on the Black family vault that the goblin took time unlocking. When it unlocked, Harry felt his stomach sink a tad. As he had expected, the vault was filled with mounds of gold, jewels, and what looked like ancient artifacts. He heard Ron's sharp intake of breath behind him and partially wished he had not asked them to accompany him. He knew that Ron would become bitter upon looking at the gold in the vault, but steeled himself against the possibility of his moodiness later in the day. He had needed their support in finishing this last bit in his affairs and, regardless of gold or artifacts, he was thankful they had come with him.
The three of them wandered the massive vault, splitting up. In spite of his feelings towards the Black family, he would not close out their vault and transfer the gold to his own. He could not justify it, even though the Black line had now died out. To him, it would be admitting that Sirius was truly gone and even after all these years, he did not have the heart to lay his godfather to rest. Gazing around, he poked at artifacts and then came upon a chest that had the initials carved into the front "S.B." He smiled, recognizing the handwriting and moved to the chest, pulling it open. Inside were stacks of photographs, old essays, and letters. He dug around in it, smiling at seeing the familiar faces of his father, Lupin, and Sirius.
He paused, noticing a photograph that he had not been expecting. It was a photo of Lily, but she was alone and smiling into the camera, appearing embarrassed. She was school age, no older than sixteen, and was in dress robes. She rubbed her arm awkwardly and then, quite unexpectedly, Sirius came into the frame from what looked like behind the camera. He scooped her against his side and flashed his dazzling, handsome smile while she laughed.
Harry frowned. Where was James? Why was Sirius and her the only ones taking a photograph?
Setting this one aside with the others, he began to sort through the letters, skimming them idly. There were multiple letters from James, some old notes with conversations between him and James that Sirius had kept from classes. There was a pile of what looked like magical notations from what Harry suspected was alchemical, but he could no more understand it than he could ancient runes. He was sure Hermione would be able to figure it out, though.
Digging deeper, he found a stack of letters that had been wound together tightly. Puzzled, Harry picked up the bundle and turned it around in his hands. Sirius's name was written neatly across the front of the top one and Harry's heart skipped a beat as he recognized the handwriting from the letter he had found in Grimmauld Place. It was Lily's handwriting.
"Harry," Hermione called. "Where are you?"
"Over here!" he called back. He hesitated a beat and then collected the other papers, settling them into the chest, putting the bundle at the top and then setting the small wooden case of Snape's inside the chest, closing it and securely clasping the locks. As Hermione came into view with a gloomy-looking Ron and the goblin, he said to the goblin, "Can you send this upstairs for me? I'd like to take it home tonight."
"Certainly," the goblin replied and with a snap of his fingers, the chest disappeared to be sent upstairs. "Are you wanting to transfer these contents, as well, Mr. Potter?"
"No," Harry hurriedly said. "I'd like to take another look around, though, please."
But aside from an old broomstick and some other miscellaneous school things of Sirius's that he had found important enough to keep in the vault after Hogwarts, there was nothing else personal of his. There were multiple genealogy books, old letters of his ancestors, and scrolls upon scrolls in a large chest of what appeared to be historical accounts of the Black family's accomplishments, along with gold and ruby shields with ancestry names.
After the goblin had locked it up, Hermione asked, "What was in that chest?"
"Photographs and old letters. I saw some from my mum that I wanted to read."
"Your mum?" Ron asked, stirring from whatever brooding thoughts the sight of the gold had taken him. "Sirius kept letters from her?"
He shrugged. "There was a photo of them, too. Maybe it was something to do with my dad when they first started dating."
The three of them Apparated to Grimmauld Place, where Kreacher was waiting with a delicious dinner of pork roast and boiled potatoes. When Ron did not appear too enthused with his dinner, Harry, exasperated, said, "I'm not using that gold of Sirius's, you know."
"What?" Ron asked, looking up from poking at his potatoes. "Oh...I mean, it's your money, mate. Just lucky to have that much gold left to you."
"I'd rather have the people alive than their money," Harry told him a bit coolly.
Startled, Ron said, "I know that! I just..." He frowned down at his food. "You see vaults of pure-bloods like that, and then you look at my family's and it seems unfair. I don't know why we were always so poor."
Hermione's brow puckered a bit and she said delicately, "Ron, your mom said that your dad always turned down promotions at the Ministry."
"That's just what she said so people didn't look down on us," he said flatly. "Dad's never been offered a promotion. He got offered a better-paying job at the Ministry when he first graduated, but he turned it down and went for the Muggle protection job instead." He grimaced, mumbling, "Wish she'd been like you and wanted to work..."
Hermione laughed. "Oh, Ron."
Harry had to look away from them when she kissed him, finishing his potatoes. His eyes fell on the chest lying in the sitting room and after swallowing, he rose to his feet as Ron regained his appetite at Hermione's affectionate gesture. Harry sat at the divan, pulling the chest closer to him and opening it again. He pulled out Snape's box first and looking inside, he saw small little keepsakes. He saw the last piece of parchment with Lily's signature, the torn picture of her from the photograph in Grimmauld Place, and then notes that looked like children's handwriting.
Sev, one read, I hope you're having a good holiday! I wish I had stayed at Hogwarts with you. Petunia's been calling me a freak ever since I got back from Hogwarts. She's being really horrible. I miss seeing you every day. Do you like your Christmas present? I know your mum has a thousand potions books, but this is the newest edition. I put a note in the cover for you so you'll always think of me. Anyway, looking forward to being back at Hogwarts in a week. Write to me soon, okay?
Harry peered at the date. It read 1970. That would have been their first year at Hogwarts. There were subsequent notes like this during the Christmas holidays, becoming less frequent through the years. He could hear Ron and Hermione laughing in the adjoining dining area. He guessed that she had cheered him up. He paused at another note.
Sev, it read, I know you saw me after Slughorn's party and Sirius told me what you think. It's not like that. I wish you and I could talk the way we used to. I miss that about us. I like Sirius – he's been good to me when things have been tough this year. It used to be you by my side like that. It feels like you're more interested in the Dark Arts than anything to do with me. I'm worried and I know you told me not to worry. But I do worry about what's going to happen to you. The world outside Hogwarts isn't safe anymore, Sev, and I'd be devastated to know that you got yourself into something that you can't come back from. Please don't keep starting fights with Sirius and James. You should give them a chance.
This note was dated 1974. There were no notes from Hogwarts after this. There were multiple photos of Snape and Lily together as children, even a few of them in what looked like a potions club in their Hogwarts uniform when they were younger. There were none of them together in their later teens and Harry guessed that after the memory he had seen of Snape's when he had called her a Mudblood, their friendship had fractured.
There was one letter left and it had what looked like splotches on it, as if someone had cried on it. He checked the date, which read 1978. This was after his parents had graduated Hogwarts, then.
Dear Sev, it read in what almost looked like shaky handwriting, It's been awhile. I don't even know if this owl will find you. James would be furious if he found out that I'd written to you, but I needed to talk to someone – to tell someone, and I know that you, of all people, knew the truth. Thank you for keeping my secret all these years. I'll be marrying James tomorrow. To be honest, I don't know if I should have agreed to marry him. I feel so scared and conflicted. He wants to have children soon after we're married, but the idea of having kids right now when You-Know-Who is so strong scares me. James says that you're a Death Eater now, he said that you had a run-in with Sirius, which is what made me write to you. Sirius would never tell me and being around him now is hard. I've been hearing about Death Eaters dying from You-Know-Who's own hands and it terrifies me to think that one day, you and I might face each other – me, in the Order, and you, as a Death Eater. It's no secret that I joined and I trust you, even after all these years, even knowing that you're not on our side. You never betrayed me to James when you could have – and you never betrayed Sirius, no matter how much you hate him. If you can listen to any one, please listen to an old friend – be careful. There's no going back from your choice now, I know, but please be careful and if we ever meet, let's both agree to turn away and not fight. It can mean both of our deaths, but I would rather die than kill you. I hope, after everything, you still think of me as a friend. Be safe, Sev. Love, Lily.
Harry's head was whirling in a thousand different directions, his eyes staring down at the line ,"You never betrayed me to James when you could have – and you never betrayed Sirius," wondering what in the world that could mean.
He set the letter aside as Hermione and Ron came to join him, pulling out the bundle of letters that had been in Sirius's chest. Something told him the answer lied somewhere in these letters.
He untied the leather band and found that there was a good deal more parchment than he had expected. It was neatly arranged chronologically and he skipped to the end, to the last letter and found it dated 1979, a year after the letter to Snape.
Padfoot, she had written, Thanks for meeting me last night. It felt like old times, didn't it? I've been stuck in old memories a lot lately now that so many people seem to be dying around us. It makes me wonder if we made the right choice, after all. I know you told me last night had to be the last time and I'm sorry for making you feel torn between me and your best friend. I love James in some ways, but it's not the same. When I'm with you, I feel safe and warm. With James, it's like a roller coaster – always fun, always a good time. But sometimes, I feel like you need me more than him.
Harry looked away from the parchment, feeling nauseated. Hermione had picked up one of the earlier letters and she had raised her gaze up to his face, shocked. Whatever she had seen in that letter was clearly not what she was expecting, either. With an effort, he forced himself to finish the letter in his hand.
We agreed when I started dating James that you would move on, she continued in the letter, but you never even tried to date. I promised that I would stop my feelings for you, but I guess I was being naïve thinking it could be that easy – like blowing out a candle. You were right, we shouldn't have met up last night. I've been lying to myself these past years saying that I didn't love you anymore. I'm sorry for that and I'm sorry for not recognizing that you were in pain. You were so good at the wedding – you looked so happy. I was happy, then, too. We made it work. Like you said all that long ago, being with James is easier. Even so, it doesn't change what my heart really wanted. I've never stopped loving you, Sirius. I wish I could make you happy again, to see the way you smiled when it was just us. For me, knowing that you feel the same is enough. At least for now.
There was nothing left to the letter except for a heart at the end of the sentence. She had not signed her name, perhaps for fear of the letter being intercepted.
"Harry..." Hermione spoke up, having read through several of the earlier letters. Ron was frowning down at the one Lily had written to Snape. "Harry, I think Sirius and your mum – "
"No," he interrupted her. "Sirius wouldn't have – "
"But Harry," she quickly said, thrusting one of the letters towards him. "Look at this."
Unwilling, Harry glanced down and felt his stomach sink. This was not just Lily's handwriting on the parchment. It was clearly a note that had been written together.
You promised a kiss to me tonight, was written in Sirius's familiar handwriting. Underneath, Lily had written, Then I guess you have more studying to do in the library.
Harry set it aside, leaning back in the divan, feeling as if he had witnessed a very private moment. Not only was it clear that Lily had once held some share of affection towards Snape, but she had been with Sirius during school and, perhaps, had even done something with him while married to James. The thought of his godfather and mother having an affair made him feel strangely sick. Sirius had never mentioned Lily in the entire time that Harry had known him. In fact, Harry could not recall him ever saying her name. The same could have been true of Snape.
"You don't think," Ron voiced the thought in Harry's head, "that they...were seeing each other when she was married to Harry's dad?"
"No," Hermione said firmly, reading through the letter that Harry had just deposited. "No, of course not. Even in this letter, it says that they had agreed to not meet like that after she got with James. But she clearly loved Sirius very much. And he must have felt the same."
"Maybe we shouldn't talk about it," Ron mumbled, catching sight of Harry's expression.
Hermione, surveying Harry, said in a robust tone, "It's not anything abnormal. He's an ex, like Cho Chang or Viktor – "
"You consider him an ex?" Ron interrupted sharply.
"Oh, for goodness' sake, Ron," Hermione said, exasperated. "Why do you care about what I did with Krum when we're dating now?"
"That's the thing, though," Harry spoke at last, gesturing towards the letters. "You don't still have feelings for Krum. She still loved Sirius."
"But Sirius respected your dad enough not to act on it, Harry," Hermione insisted. "It's clear that Lily had wanted more, but Sirius couldn't betray James by doing something with his wife. He's not that kind of person. You know that."
Harry said nothing to this. He could recall the brooding distance that often overcame Sirius when at Grimmauld Place. He had taken it to be due to the fact that he was stuck in a place he hated, but now he wondered if it was because it took him back to his school age days, reminding him of things that he would rather not recall. His intense rivalry with Snape had, at the same, seemed like a lingering age-old bullying temperament, but now Harry rather thought it was because they had been two men after the same girl. It seemed ironic to be that combative that late in life when the girl herself was no longer among the living and when someone else entirely had married her in life.
A sudden memory came to Harry's mind, one that had seemed so inconsequential at the time, but now was more significant.
"No," Harry told her quietly, "I think he did. And he regretted it."
Later that night, after Hermione and Ron had left, Harry sat in the sitting room with the fireplace blazing, the chest of letters sitting next to him. He had gone through all of the letters by that time and all of the photographs. There were two photos with Sirius and Lily alone – one that had been at the party and the other, which had been buried in the very bottom of the trunk. Harry, drinking Ogden's Old Firewhiskey, turned his gaze from the fire to the picture. Lily and Sirius were not in school in this photo. It was clearly taken after Hogwarts. They were in a bright field with a tree in the background and Sirius was spinning her around. She was laughing up at him and his touch on her waist was personal, intimate, and caring. She was also, Harry noted, wearing a wedding ring.
The letters from his mother had been hard to read. Many of them were personal and as the months crossed into years, her letters became less optimistic, yet no less intimate.
I wish I could see you, she wrote in one. I wish we could be the way that we had been during that day we took together shortly after the wedding. I know how much it tortured you, then, so I won't ask it of you. Avoiding me isn't the answer, though, either. James asked if we had a row – I had to make up a story that you had irritated me. It's not that far from the truth, I guess. I'm not mad at you for staying away, but with more and more people disappearing, I'm always afraid that Dumbledore is going to announce your death to us. Please don't avoid me. It hurts James as much as it does me. He misses you, Sirius. If you won't come by for me, come by to see him. I promise to stay in another room. Knowing you're alive is enough for me.
Sighing, Harry rubbed his face and set the photo aside. The memory from earlier came back to his mind and he sipped the Firewhiskey as the conversation floated back to his mind.
"How come you never married?" Harry asked Sirius as he helped him clean Buckbeak's feathers. Sirius paused in brushing the beast, his expression clouding over slightly. "Sirius?"
His godfather stirred from his thoughts, smiling vaguely. "To be honest, I don't think I was the marrying type. I've never had the attitude for it."
Harry thought about this for a moment. "What do you mean?"
Sirius shrugged. "I don't think I ever deserved it. I never treated girls good in school and there was only ever one that interested me. I broke up with her and made a mess about it. She got married, though. I always resented myself for that – I should have just been more honest." Sirius smiled, taking the edge off his words. "But I thought I was doing the right thing. That should matter for something, right?"
"I guess," Harry said, not really understanding. "How old were you then?"
"Oh, I don't know. Sixteen, maybe seventeen? It was a long time ago."
"You never found someone after Hogwarts?"
Sirius barked out a laugh. "You mean when I joined the Order? No. Women were the last thing on my mind." Something about the way Sirius looked away, a wistful little smile on his lips, gave Harry the impression that he was not being entirely truthful.
Harry had thought nothing of the conversation. It had been one of many while he was at Grimmauld Place during the summer and, he admitted guiltily, he had been too self-absorbed in his own inner torment that he doubted he would have recognized it for what it was if he had done any deeper digging. He knew Hermione was right, of course, that it was natural to have expected his mother to have other boyfriends outside of his father.
He picked up the photo of his godfather and mother dancing in the field together. He turned it over and the date was carefully printed on the upper right-hand corner with a small message, "I love you, Sirius – keep this to remember us by."
Yes, he was not surprised that his mother had other boyfriends, but the fact that it had been his godfather was jarring. If not for Sirius's self-sacrifice for James, Harry never would have existed. Lily's choice in a partner had not just changed Harry's existence, but had changed the entirety of the wizarding world.
It was this thought that Harry lingered on, dwelling on the very strange, complicated relationships that his mother had with the men in her life. What, he wondered, had happened to make her choose James out of Sirius and Snape and, additionally, why had hers and Snape's close relationship broken during Hogwarts?
Part I
(Fall, 1981)
Sirius rubbed his face wearily, sinking into the armchair and wanting nothing more than to find some small moment of peace. He had been taking revitalizing potions rather than sleeping for the past two weeks and knew that it was catching up with his body. No matter how many times he adjusted the potion, it did not change the fact that his body still needed sleep. The human body was not designed to work this hard with so little rest.
Looking around at his bare flat, he realized that he had been here so infrequently that a layer of dust had begun to gather over his meager belongings. He had two armchairs in the flat, with a small table in the middle. His mattress was sitting on the floor in the corner. He had continued to use his school trunk, where it lied in the middle of the room as a means of separating where he slept from the small kitchen and as a small table. There was crumpled parchment and sheaths of it everywhere around the trunk.
His flat was located in one of the rougher areas in London and was given every protective charm that he could think of in order to keep him safe while he slept here. He did not come here often, though, occupied with tasks from the Order of the Phoenix or staying with friends. He never stayed in one location for long.
Idly rubbing the scruff that had begun to form around his neck, he took a drink of the brandy that he had been sipping and then glanced down at the moving photograph. A corner of his mouth tilted upward as he spotted the small baby zooming around on a toy broomstick. It was the latest photo that Lily had sent him of his godson, Harry Potter.
His eyes lingered on Lily in the photo and then he sighed, flipping it over and sinking into his armchair again. He had lit a fire in the fireplace, where it merrily crackled at him, blazing hot, the flames dancing. His gaze strayed to the radiator, where a shelf had been installed as a means of décor above it. Aside from his trunk, here was the only other personal touch. A vase with a collection of flowers in it sat on the shelf that stood beneath the drafty window. A rather stupid place to put a radiator, he had thought when he first moved in.
"It will brighten up the room," Lily had said when she had conjured the pretty little arrangement. Sirius had not been amused at the time. She had come to his flat without telling him, without an announcement, and had been alone. He had wanted to throw the flowers away at the time with how angry he had been with her for coming into this area of London by herself, but he had found that the flowers reminded him of her and even though she was not his to yearn for, it made him feel a little less lonely.
He turned over the photograph again and looked at Harry laughing gleefully, tapping the photo against the stand thoughtfully. Sirius had known there was no chance of Harry being his, something for which he was thankful. He had been careful to never cross that line after James and Lily had gotten married. When she had gotten pregnant, he had not expected it to hurt as much as it did to see her looking so radiant with his best friend. He had smiled, congratulated them, and been happy for his best friend, yet there had been a twinge of guilt when he had been appointed godfather.
"Me?" Sirius had asked, his usual haughty expression dropping to one of surprise. "When have I ever been good with kids?"
James had laughed. "To be honest, I don't think any of us are ever good at kids, mate. But I know that you would do anything to protect Harry. You've shown me enough times that you'd go to any lengths for a friend – I can trust you with Harry if..." He had trailed off, swallowing and looking towards where Lily had been animatedly talking to Alice Longbottom, who had also recently become pregnant. "I know you'll take care of them."
"Of course," Sirius had said, clasping his shoulder tightly, "you know that I would die for you and Lily."
James had smiled and his eyes had looked a little wet.
Sirius, reflecting back on that conversation, wondered if that day would come sooner than he was expecting.
He stood up and tucked the photograph into the trunk with the other letters and photos that he had received from Lily. He slid it underneath a photograph that he had taken of them at Slughorn's Christmas party their fifth year – that had been before everything had happened between them, before he had known what he was doing. Since James and Lily had married, he had remained respectful of their vows. He did not seek her out, nor did he give into temptation when they were alone. Lily was not as adept at keeping her emotions at bay.
The days leading up to hers and James's wedding had been, for lack of a better description, gut-wrenching. She had come to him on more than one occasion, sobbing, and he never had the heart to turn her away. After their marriage, she did her best to remain platonic, but there were many times that she would send him letters pouring out her frustration towards him and, always, to remind him that she had not truly moved on from him.
It had one such letter that he had received only yesterday, asking him to meet her in London. Against his better judgment, he had met her and the experience had left his heart in disarray. Yes, up until last night, he had done very well in respecting the fact that she had married his best friend. But now his sheets smelled like her hair and he could still remember holding her as she slept next to him. It had not been sexual, but it was intimate in a way that he knew crossed a line that he had put down for them.
"I need you to do something for me," she had quietly said to him before leaving. He had released a sigh through his nose, leaning against the doorframe with his forearm against the frame. She looked young standing in the hallway and for a moment, it felt as if they were back at Hogwarts. When he looked into the mirror, he saw a man much older than twenty-two. He had a prematurely lined face from stress and exhaustion. She still looked as she had when he had first kissed her – youthful and beautiful.
"What is it?" he had replied quietly.
"First...give me your word that you will do it, no questions asked."
He smiled slightly. "Lily, you know I will do whatever it is."
She hesitated a beat. "I don't think that You-Know-Who will stop until James and I are dead. You've seen how he's gone after us in the Order – he's particularly set out to see us and Alice and Frank dead. I need you to promise that...if there comes a time...you'll save Harry first."
His smile faded from his face and he had become suddenly so tired, so exhausted that he might have lied on the floor and fallen asleep right then. Instead, he reached out and tucked the hair behind her ear, wishing he could reassure her, but knowing that, like himself, she had become comfortable with being so close to death. They had all had so many near-misses that some days, Sirius wondered if he had not already begun to mourn the death of James and the woman they loved. "Alright," he had answered softly. "I promise."
He understood that she had been asking him to turn his back on her and trusted him to do the right thing. He had spent so much time in his own head and memories that he wondered if she had asked him because he had already turned his back on her once.
There was the slightest sound behind him and he stirred from his brooding, checking his watch. "Good evening, Sirius," a calm voice said as he took note of the time.
"Dumbledore, hi," Sirius answered, getting to his feet and closing the trunk. His visitor was right on time. "Sorry for the mess." He gestured vaguely around the room and Dumbledore smiled, his blue eyes twinkling over his half-moon spectacles.
"I was a young man once, too, Sirius, if you can believe it."
Sirius laughed and lifted his hands before dropping them in a gesture of defeat. "It can be hard to remember." He ushered him over to the armchairs and settled in the one he had recently vacated while Dumbledore joined him in the other. He did not look any different than when Sirius had been in school – his white hair and beard flowing down his starry, azure robes. He looked quite neat and put together for a man fighting a war. "Can I get you a brandy?"
"Thank you," Dumbledore said gratefully as Sirius conjured another glass and poured him a brandy, offering it to him. "Have you seen James at all?"
"No," Sirius replied, pouring himself more brandy and then taking a sip. "I've just returned here yesterday." He chose not to mention that it had been Lily's letter that had him traveling back to his flat yesterday from where he had been staying with Remus.
"Given the circumstances, I've told them that going into hiding under the Fidelius Charm would be most wise," Dumbledore explained. "As a result, they will need a Secret Keeper and James would like you to do the honors." He smiled. "If it can be called an honor having so much weight placed on your shoulders."
Sirius did not immediately say anything to this, swirling his brandy in his glass and gazing across at the fire that crackled at him, as if taunting him for his silence. After a pause, he asked, "When did you tell them this?"
"Yesterday morning. I wanted them to talk it over and make a decision. James told me today that they had agreed upon it."
Sirius nodded slowly to himself, smiling faintly. So, this is why you came to me, Lily, he thought to himself. Voldemort may be targeting you both.
"To be honest," Sirius said at last, "I don't think it's a good idea for me to be their Secret Keeper. Voldemort will know immediately when they go into hiding who they made Secret Keeper. I'd die before revealing anything to him, but the risk feels higher."
"Is that your only reason for objecting to being the choice?" Dumbledore asked mildly.
Sirius hesitated, furtively looking to the older male, but Dumbledore was sipping at his brandy and watching the fire.
"It's the main reason," he said at last. Dumbledore surveyed him, then, raising his eyebrows very slightly above his half-moon spectacles. Sirius grimaced under the stare and then said, "I made a promise to Lily that I would be here to take care of Harry. I can't do anything for the boy if I'm dead."
"You're a good godfather."
"I guess." Sirius drained his glass and then rose to his feet. He noticed Dumbledore's eyes stray to the flowers in the vase and he stiffened slightly. He had no illusions to believing that Dumbledore could not see through him. Occlumency or not, Dumbledore saw more in people and their relationships than any other man that he knew. He doubted that there was much that one could hide from the man. "What about Remus or Peter?"
"James wanted you, Sirius," Dumbledore told him serenely as Sirius paced to the fire, a frown marring his handsome features.
"They will know it's me," Sirius repeated. "If Voldemort won't, Snape sure as hell will."
"Ah, yes. Severus." Dumbledore drained the remainder of his brandy and then set the glass aside, rising to his feet gracefully. "You know," Dumbledore said conversationally as his gaze once again strayed to the vase of flowers, "one of the greatest treasures of being a professor is watching your students grow up, to experience their pains and pleasures from afar. You have grown into a magnificent young man, Sirius, and your heart is in the right place." He paused briefly, turning his piercing blue eyes to him, catching Sirius off guard. He hastily looked away, not meeting his eyes. Dumbledore smiled again at him. "If you want them to change their decision, you will have to speak with James and Lily and convince them to use someone else."
"What?" Sirius said blankly, looking up. "Them?"
"It was James and Lily's wish that you be their Secret Keeper," Dumbledore clarified. "I will be returning to them tomorrow. I expect you to be there or whoever it is that is taking their place. Thank you for the brandy – it was quite needed."
Sirius watched Dumbledore leave with a blank expression. As Dumbledore opened the door, he gestured towards the flowers with his hand. The flowers, which had been drooping somewhat, perked up a bit and extended their leaves out as if Dumbledore had fed them a treat. And with that, he had closed the door behind him and left Sirius alone to his thoughts.
Sirius expected James to resist his suggestion. To his surprise, however, James nodded, leaning forward with his forearms resting against his thighs. His black hair was rumpled and his glasses, perched on his nose looked a little worn and crooked. Gazing into the face of his best friend, Sirius felt a surge of affection for him and hoped beyond hope that what Lily believed – that the two of them would not make it through the war – never came to be true.
"Makes sense," James said to him and then rubbed his eyes under neath his glasses. "That nasty git, Snivellus. He would throw us to Voldemort faster than you could say 'Quidditch.' He'd love if Voldemort tortured us to death." He frowned absent-mindedly. "You ran into him, didn't you?"
"Unfortunately," Sirius grunted. "And I told you how well that went."
"Right...But he didn't try to curse you?"
"Of course, he did," Sirius said with a scowl. "But I got out of there. I wasn't going to give him the time of day." Harry had ambled over and was reaching his short, chubby arms up towards Sirius. He picked up the baby, jiggling him absent-mindedly on his knee. He did not go into detail about his meeting with Snape and he certainly was not about to dive into the messy details of the conversation he had engaged in with their old school enemy. Hearing the old nickname they had for him – Snivellus – brought back a rush of memories.
"I saw you with her."
Sirius's frown hardened, recalling the rage and pain in Snape's face during one of their many encounters at Hogwarts. There had been something there that Sirius had not cared to look too deeply into at the time. No, he would keep his own counsel and not voice something that would open an old wound for James.
"It could be risky, using Remus," James was saying now. "Because of the full moon. He's not aware during those hours and can be used against us."
"I was thinking Wormtail," Sirius told him, breaking himself out of his school day memories. "He's the safer option. He'll be the last person they'll expect us to use, so there's no way that he'll ever get cornered."
James grimaced, appearing skeptical. "I don't know...not that I don't trust Wormtail, but lately he's been off. He'll just disappear."
"Probably scared," Sirius replied dismissively with a shrug. "When has he ever been brave?"
"That's what worries me."
"Come off it. Wormtail practically worships the ground you walk on – the last thing he's going to do is turn you into Voldemort."
James was silent at this and Harry sneezed into the silence. Sirius, taking note of the runny nose, stood up and walked into the kitchen where Lily was making dinner. He bundled Harry into the high chair and pulled tissues to wipe his face. He could feel Lily's eyes on his back and as he straightened up, he glanced at her to find her surveying him thoughtfully. Before he was given a chance to say anything, though, James stepped into the kitchen and patted Harry on the head affectionately.
"Sirius was thinking that we should use Wormtail as our Secret Keeper," James told her. "He thinks it would be less risky."
"Less risky?" she repeated, her eyes darting from James to Sirius.
"Voldemort will expect it to be me," Sirius explained to her, as he had to both James and Dumbledore. She frowned, a crease forming between her eyebrows. "For it to be effective, I'd have to go into hiding and we just don't have enough people for that to be possible."
Lily set her hand towel aside and folded her arms over her chest as she leaned against the kitchen counter. Her eyes strayed from him to Harry, who was gnawing on his own little fist, patting his hand against the table of the high chair with childlike delight. Even though she was looking at Harry, Sirius suspected she was thinking of Marlene McKinnon, who had been brutally murdered, along with her parents, just a few months ago. Of all the friends that Lily had from Hogwarts, Marlene had seemed the most resilient – she had always been feisty, arrogant, and quick with her wand. When she had died, Lily had cried all night and had tried her best to be blasé about their deaths in a letter to him, but he knew better. Even though she and Marlene had butted heads, they had still been friends and to see people in the Order being shot down by Death Eaters no doubt had caused her recent comfortability with her own mortality.
She and James had narrowly missed being killed by Voldemort and his Death Eaters more than once, along with Alice and Frank Longbottom. Sirius had his own fair share of encounters with Death Eaters, though he never relayed them to James or Lily to avoid worrying them. He had an advantage, however, in being an Animagus. He was less likely to be detected in certain situations.
Even with his own security, though, the Order was losing people fast. Sirius was grateful that he and his best friends had remained alive, though there had been quite a few times when Remus went quiet that he worried he had been taken. Some of the stories that James told him gave his heart pause. Losing either Lily or James would be horrific in and of itself, but losing them both would devastate him.
"He hasn't been around as much," Lily said at last. "Every time he's come by, he's seemed really low. I don't even know if he would do it."
"What do you expect?" Sirius said. "People are dying left and right – who wouldn't be depressed?"
Her face seemed to drain of colour and he instantly regretted his frankness. James scowled, throwing him a disapproving look as he went to Lily, putting an arm around her shoulders. Sirius was reminded why it had always been James who had the girlfriends and not himself. Even with Lily, he was terrible with words.
"He's the best option," he continued doggedly, refusing to apologize for his honesty.
There was a brief silence as James rubbed Lily's back. Harry became fussy and this time, James was the one to take the boy. As Harry began to wail, he took the bottle that Lily handed him and went into the den. They could hear James cooing to his son, trying to coax him to take the bottle.
"I couldn't forgive myself if I got used against you two," Sirius said to Lily quietly, taking note of her muteness.
"I know," she answered, smiling very slightly, "but I don't think James trusts Wormy to do the right thing if he's ever caught."
"He'll never be on the radar to need to do the right thing," Sirius reassured her. "If I'm put under the Imperius Curse because they think they can use me to get to you two, this will all have been for nothing and it's not just you two who will be at risk." He gestured towards the den where they could hear James murmuring softly to Harry. "You asked me to put Harry first and I am."
She nodded slowly and then released a slow breath. "Okay...I'll tell James." As she made to move to the den, she touched his chest, raising her eyes to his. "I trust your judgment. Thank you, Sirius." When she smiled, it was warm and for a moment, he forgot where he was and wanted to pull her into his arms to feel that warmth again; instead, he let her hand drop as she entered the den to talk with her husband.
Left in the kitchen, Sirius stared around him and felt cold and very alone.
After James finally acquiesced to Sirius's solution, prompted by a good deal of prodding by Lily, he left to make a final visit before heading home. James had said that he would notify Dumbledore and he would do the charm necessary with Peter. He knocked on the shabby door that he had Apparated in front of and there was a few moments' pause before he heard the locks and then a wan, tired-looking face appeared at the door.
"Have any free time?" Sirius asked Remus as the latter male smiled in greeting.
"Oh, go on then," Remus said amiably, opening the door wide enough to let him in. "Where've you come from?"
"James and Lily's," he answered, stepping inside as Remus shut the door, securing the locks behind him. "Nothing like seeing happily married parents to remind you that you don't even have a girlfriend. We're behind the times."
Remus laughed, following Sirius into his very small, humble living room. The paint was peeling in places and it looked even more dingy than Sirius's own flat. "Trust me, I'm aware. People have been getting married left and right these days out of desperation, fearful that they'll lose the chance to further their bloodline. I can't say that I blame them."
"What about you, Moony?"
Remus grimaced. "No...I don't think so. It's too much of a risk with my werewolf form. I'd be lucky if any woman would even want to date me." This time when he laughed, it was hollow-sounding. Sirius squeezed his shoulder in a brief, comforting gesture and then settled on the couch, sighing.
"Yeah, I'll pass on the whole thing," Sirius said in a too-light tone. "Who needs the complications of a relationship when you're trying to stay alive?"
Remus handed him a glass of wine and then offered him some of his dinner, which Sirius waved away, declining. "You're a terrible liar, Sirius."
"To you, maybe."
He gave a knowing smile and then began to help himself to his steak and kidney pie. "Life seems short these days," he said after washing his food down with a drink of wine. "It would do well to take advantage of what little life we seem to have, my friend."
Sirius swirled the wine in his glass and glanced over at the fire in the grate that was dying. He set his wine on the coffee table in front and stood up, gathering a log and stoking the fire. "It's too late for that for me."
"What makes you say that?"
Sirius glanced over his shoulder at Remus. His friend looked as tired as Sirius felt. He had never confided in anyone his secret affection for Lily – he had guarded that tightly to his heart, even practicing Occlumency so that she could never be used against him. He had made his choice a long time ago – he had chosen his best friend over a girl and while a part of him regretted it, he knew it had been the right thing. Now, when it felt like death was so close to all of them, he wanted to confide in someone and of all their friends, Remus was the most forgiving.
"Do you remember," Sirius said abruptly, standing up as the fire began to crackle back into life, "when you told me that I was getting myself into a love triangle when Snape and James were both after Lily?"
"That seems so long ago," Remus musingly said, "but yes, I remember. Snape hated you almost more than James around then."
Sirius sat back on the couch next to Remus, wondering how best to broach the topic. Remus finished up his steak and kidney pie, setting the plate onto the coffee table and refilling his wine glass.
"I know already," Remus told Sirius, taking his wine glass, "so you don't need to feel as if this is a repentance confessional." Sirius, startled, looked at him. There was a faint smile on his lips. "It's why I warned you then."
"But I wasn't doing anything then."
"It didn't matter." Remus shrugged. "I could tell that you were interested."
"Did you ever tell James?"
"No. It wasn't my place to get involved. I don't know the full story, obviously, but there was something going on in our fifth and sixth year with you two. Snape tried killing you on more than one occasion and it wasn't until our last year when that particular brand of hatred was redirected at James. And then him and Lily started dating, so I thought it was just casual." Remus drank from his wine, watching Sirius over the rim of his glass. "I'm guessing that's not the case."
Sirius shifted in the couch, frowning. "No, not really."
"I can understand the appeal," he said in an almost clinical tone. "Lily was never my type personally, but I can see why guys went after her."
Sirius laughed at this. "Oh? And who was your type?"
"Ah, well...It seems disrespectful to say now." Remus gave a wistful smile. "I always liked the girls like Marlene. They were fun."
"You and Wormtail both," Sirius replied. "Something about you two and dominant women."
Remus did not deny the observation and instead asked, "So, why did you feel the need to tell me about an old school-time adventure?"
"Because it's not just isolated to our time at Hogwarts."
This time, Remus frowned. "But she's been dating James since then. Not just that – she's married, Sirius."
"I'm aware of that." Sirius drained the wine from his glass and set it on the coffee table, leaning forward much like James had with him earlier that day. "It doesn't change how I feel, though. Does that make me a bad person? A bad friend?"
"No," he was quick to say, "and I'm sure if James had ever known, he would say the same. He was never against us dating girls he had dated – he was trying to get you to date Dorcas for awhile there, if you remember. And it's not like you told Lily about Marlene, right?"
"I didn't feel like it was relevant. That had happened before they were dating and James only did it because Marlene was putting out more than other girls."
"Let's just say that she was more experienced out of respect for the dead."
Sirius laughed. "Marlene wouldn't have cared. She was the most headstrong, independent feminist I'd ever met. She was proud of her 'conquests' as she called them. She was a wonderful person." He sighed, suddenly feeling gloomy. "That's why I wanted to tell someone. Every day I go out, I feel like I'm on death's doorstep. I told Dumbledore this once and you know what he said to me? He said that only a man with a good heart accepts that he's so near death and still – how'd he put it? – 'flirt' with death. He tried saying it was a good thing."
"He's seen more than us," Remus said thoughtfully. "To him, I think there's worse things than death."
"Yeah, like being alive while everyone is dying around you." Sirius glanced at his friend and saw a troubled frown pulling Remus's mouth downward. "Sorry, Moony. It's just how I feel. I'm worried about James and Lily and their little boy. They've had more close encounters than either you or I have and it's like Voldemort wants to see them hang. Losing them would be hard. Losing anyone else close to me, really."
"I was sorry to hear about Regulus," his friend said quietly. "He was a Death Eater, but I had always liked him in school."
"He only joined because of our mother, I'm sure of it," Sirius said with a shake of his head. "Regulus never cared about the Dark Arts beyond what we learned at home. He never had a passion for it, he was just an idiot follower. They still haven't even found his body. Nobody knows what happened to him."
"I had heard that Voldemort killed him when he tried to back out of the Death Eaters."
"I asked Dumbledore, he said that was the story the Death Eaters were putting out to scare others into submission, but that wasn't true. Not even Voldemort knows where he is, apparently, but that he's dead. Something about the Dark Mark allows him to sense when someone branded with it has died."
"I don't suppose you asked your mum about it?"
Sirius snorted. "I did. She wrote me back saying that she was proud of how he had died, but I know she's tore up about him – her only real son dead, left with a blood traitor of a son. Even if she knew, she wouldn't tell me. She knows which side I'm fighting for while she pretends to be neutral in Grimmauld Place." He made a disgusted sound as he said this and Remus smiled sympathetically. "Anyway, I best get going. I've got to head out again tomorrow."
Remus followed him to the door and they hugged each other briefly. "Stay safe out there, Sirius," he said softly, squeezing his shoulder. "You and the rest – you're the only family I have."
Sirius gave a nod of reassurance and a moment later, he had Apparated, leaving Remus on the front porch looking as tired and worried as he had when Sirius had first arrived.
Sirius knew that he was going to either be killed or go to Azkaban. At the moment, he would gladly welcome death.
He had heard the news from Hagrid, who had been in London on his own business and was on his way to meet Dumbledore. He had been a weeping mess, barely able to report the news at all when Sirius had encountered him. Harry had been nestled comfortably in Hagrid's large arms, looking peaceful and oblivious. The words had sunk into Sirius's soul, freezing him. He had been too numb at first to believe what he had heard, too shocked, trapped in disbelief.
James and Lily are dead.
He had fled from Hagrid after that. Outside of Dumbledore, nobody else in the Order had known that Lily and James had switched their Secret Keeper. Even Remus believed that Sirius was still their Secret Keeper. He had barely heard Hagrid's following words, that Voldemort had perished in the house with James and Lily when attempting to kill his godson. At the moment, he did not care. The only possible way that he could have gotten to them was if Peter had betrayed them.
Sirius, in Godric's Hollow, was one of the many in the group staring at the ruined house. For Muggles, it looked like a gas explosion had gone off. For wizards, it looked as it truly was – a magically blasted house, terribly maimed and blackened. Sirius vaguely remembered arguing with Hagrid in the pub, insisting that he be given Harry since he was his godfather. Hagrid, tearful, had argued back, telling him he had to meet Dumbledore, he had his orders on what to do with the boy. Sirius had given up the argument and given him his enchanted motorbike. If Dumbledore had better plans for his godson, then so be it. His own life, after James and Lily were murdered, was now forfeit. He no longer cared what happened to himself. Everyone would think it had been him who betrayed them, anyway.
James and Lily are dead.
He shook the echoing words out of his head and his eyes darted around the crowds, looking for the rat-faced traitor. Instead, he was surprised to find a familiar face – a familiar, horrified, anguished face.
"Snape?" he whispered to himself and unbidden, he made his way through the crowds towards the greasy-haired man. A need to rage, to blame someone besides himself was unfurling within him. He did not want to face his own inner shame just then. "Happy, are you?" Sirius sneered to him when he came within earshot.
Slowly, Snape turned his head to stare at Sirius and for a moment, neither of them spoke. Snape appeared as if someone had ripped his soul of his body and his face was streaked with tears. He looked like a madman. His hair was sticking out in all directions, giving it the impression of being yanked from every which way. There was a hollowed-out, sick look to his face and dark circles, making him appear that he had not slept for days.
"Happy?" he repeated vaguely.
"She's dead," Sirius said in a poorly controlled voice. "That's what your lot wanted, isn't it? Come to cry over the death of your lord and master – "
Snape, quite uncharacteristically, did not go for his wand. Instead, he lunged at Sirius and knocked him to the ground. The Muggles around them cried out in alarm as the two of them began to viciously punch at each other. Snape went for Sirius's throat, trying to choke him and they rolled in the dirt. Snape was screaming indistinct things at him while Sirius swore. Two Muggle policeman disentangled them, shouting them down. Snape was breathing raggedly, his nose bleeding.
Sirius shook off the policeman and after a very wary glance at the two men, they returned to the sidelines to keep the crowd away from the building.
"You don't know anything!" Snape snarled at Sirius after the policeman had left. The Muggles had edged away from them, thinking them to be mental tramps arguing over sleeping bags or something similar. "I tried to save Lily!"
"And that makes you a hero?" Sirius snapped back and gave a mirthless laugh. "What, trying to repent years later after treating her like trash?"
"I loved her!" Snape's proclamation sounded manic as he screamed it, his eyes bulging wildly. "I loved her before you did! Before you gave her away to James! She was my everything!"
"You disgusting, good-for-nothing piece of shit! You had an opportunity to be with her and you chose your Death Eaters over her – she didn't want anyone but you until you screwed it up for yourself! Don't try and blame that on me!"
"You got in the middle of us and now – " Snape seemed unable to finish the sentence, gulping down the words and appearing as though he might break out into a fresh wave of tears.
But Sirius did not care. He no longer wanted to argue the past with him, let alone argue about a girl who, at the end of her life, had never been theirs to lay claim upon. She had been James's wife and now he, too, was dead.
And it was his fault.
He backed away from Snape, who was too incensed and overcome with grief to care what he did. He turned away from him and behind another home, he Apparated back to London.
Sirius knew it was his fault, knew that it had been because of him that they had perished. It had been him who had convinced James to use Peter when he did not want to, it had been him who had insisted Lily change James's mind. He remembered Peter's behavior shortly before he became Secret Keeper, his evasiveness, his gloomy attitude, and his avoidance of any of them, as though he very much wanted to be far from them. He had become a spy for Voldemort and the realization struck ice into his heart.
In a second, a flash of memories whizzed by him – Peter, laughing with them at Hogwarts, Peter cheering beside them at a Quidditch match, Peter pouring him wine at James's wedding, Peter playing with Harry as a rat.
He had thought that James dying would be the most painful thing, but he found that experiencing the betrayal of one of his longtime school friends caused a pain that he would never be able to put into words. They had all been best friends since they were kids. He never would have expected any of them to sell each other out.
But James had suspected, a sly voice said in his head. James knew that Wormtail would buckle under pressure.
Hardening himself against the threat of screaming, of going mad and delirious in the middle of the narrow street in London, Sirius took a shuddering breath and then changed into his Animagus form. There was no time to grieve – that would come later. For tonight, he would hunt. He would find Peter and he would kill him.
(Fall, 1974)
Sirius Black stared down at the bit of parchment, aware of the uncomfortable dip that his stomach had taken. Of course, he had expected this conversation, albeit he had thought she would approach James before him. After all, James had been the one who had been harassing her for the past two years whether it was through insults or, more recently, invitations to Hogsmeade. Two weeks into the new term, he would not have thought that he would receive parchment dropped in front of him in the library by another fifth-year Gryffindor girl, who had cast him a flirty smile that he had pointedly ignored.
Let's talk about your best friend. Meet me outside the library before dinner, the message read.
Sirius squirmed, crumpling the note in his hand and stuffing it into his pocket. This was worse than when Holly Pilldock, the beefy seventh-year with a beginning unibrow had sent him a long poem confessional last year before she graduated about how she had watched him for the last four years. He had never thought something would trump that debacle. She had stalked him for weeks afterward to receive an answer. Lily Evans did not seem the stalking type, but that did not necessarily mean he wanted to endure any type of one-on-one conversation with her. Even in a group, she did a good job of using the sharp edge of her tongue for take-downs that were downright ego bruising.
As he headed towards Herbology, he decided that he would ignore the request altogether. After all, who was she to demand that he meet her to discuss James? It was not as though she were his teacher.
Feeling a good deal more satisfied with this and entirely unaware of any potential consequences that such an action would cause, he headed towards the greenhouses with a lighter step. As he approached the greenhouse, he saw Peter Pettigrew, Remus Lupin and, of course, James Potter all lurking in a group outside the greenhouse waiting for him. Peter appeared anxious, shifting from foot to foot. As soon as Sirius came into view, his face cleared with relief.
"Oh good, we can go in now," Peter said, looking to Remus for confirmation. Remus hid a faint smile behind his shaggy hair, turning instead to nod towards Sirius.
"What took you?" James demanded as the group entered the greenhouse to settle at the work tables. "Usually you're a lot faster about shaking off girls confessing to you."
"Maybe he's gotten a conscience over the summer," Remus teased slyly.
"Fat chance," was James immediate response without allowing Sirius a chance to intercept. "He shot down a girl in Spain faster than a snitch during Quidditch. She was pretty, too!"
"I'm not interested in girls that throw themselves at me," Sirius loftily replied. "What's the point in a girl who's too easy? Those are your types." He slanted a look to James, who grinned unapologetically. In their group, James was known to go through girlfriends as fast as Sirius did in rejecting them. They each had begun to bet on how long it would take James to get through the entire fifth year girls at the rate he was going.
"Not this year, mate!" James thumped himself on the chest. "I'm a changed man. This year, I've got my eye on the prize – L. E.!"
Sirius exchanged a glance with Remus, both of whom looked skeptical. Even without Lily's note from this morning, Sirius did not need anything more to know that she loathed James to the core. Even if she was not best friends with Severus Snape, he doubted that would change. From the comments he had made, what James considered proud conquests, she found to be blatant misogynistic behavior and had, at more than one point, scolded him for breaking so many hearts and treating girls like objects. During one such conversation, James had wittingly replied, "If I was a heart-breaker, would they keep coming back for more?"
Reminded of this, Sirius made a show of pulling his Herbology book out of his bag. Loathing might not be sufficient enough a word to represent the feeling she had towards James.
"What?" James asked, looking around as each of his friends, all of whom pointedly said nothing. "What's with this silence? You're not going to say anything?"
"Doesn't she hate you?" Peter had the audacity to ask.
This did not seem to faze James in the slightest. "Hate can be transformed to love easily!" he declared gallantly. "Remember Madeline McDougal? The Irish girl that graduated last year?"
"Ah, yes, the one that gave you a bloody nose the first time you asked her out," Sirius reminisced.
"And then you two ended up in detention together for Muggle fighting," Remus added with a small frown.
"Which then led to us bonding over the injustice of detention," James concluded.
"What are you and Lily going to bond over?" Sirius asked dryly. "Unless it's how much you hate yourself, I don't think you'll get far."
"She's in the Slug Club," James said, "so she must like potions. Maybe I can figure in that angle. Self-hatred might be too strong to use this early in the game. That will only be used in a desperate attempt."
"It's not a game, James," Remus said with a deeper frown, now turning to look at him full in the face. "Don't pretend to be mental just to snog a girl."
"Okay, okay, fine," James said, rolling his eyes. "But Sirius is the one who mentioned it."
"Mr. Potter," Professor Sprout's voice snapped into their conversation before Remus could form a rebuttal to this. Flinching, James turned to stare at Professor Sprout with an expression of wide-eyed innocence. "As interesting as your dating life might seem, can you please quiet down so the other students can learn at least?"
"Yes, professor," he replied with an abashed smile that turned devilish when she turned away. He and Sirius snickered under their breath together at having him so openly called out. Far from embarrassing him, when professors used this tactic it often led to grandiose gestures and speeches instead. But, as it was still early in term, James settled into silence at the work table and the group of boys refocused their attention back to the professor.
While pruning one of the plants with writhing tentacles, Sirius's mind returned to the crumpled parchment that he had abandoned. While he did not think that James had attempted a gesture towards Lily Evans yet, ignoring the note left him with an uncomfortable sense of foreboding. He could understand why James fancied her, though he had dated some of the prettiest girls in their school. Lily had the type of stubborn, resistant spit-fire attitude that James loved to have turned on him. Where her comments were sarcastic towards him and Remus, they were outright poisonous towards James. He had thought that Severus's remarks were acid, but there was something particularly brutal about Lily towards James that made Sirius wonder how his friend could still be obsessed with her.
Then again, James always did like the mean ones, Sirius thought, pulling out of reach as a tentacle tried to slyly go for him. He slapped the plant sharply with the edge of his scissors, causing the vine to retract in alarm. He could still remember most of James's girlfriends and out of the handful, there were very few that were not, well, bitchy for lack of a better descriptive term. Something about being bossed around and made to be the equivalent of a queen's servant seemed to turn him on.
This train of thought turned his mind to another question, but one that would have to wait until after class.
It was an exhausting period and by the time the group had left the greenhouse, they were all dirty and disheveled from their work. James had a smudge of dirt on his nose from thrusting his glasses back onto his nose.
"So," Sirius spoke up in a low tone as the group separated, Peter heading off to Divination while the three of them headed to Ancient Runes. He had glanced over his shoulder at the three, a gloomy smile on his face as he waved. Peter had not felt he had the aptitude to pursue the elective and had gone for one that he had thought would be easier, though far less useful in the group's opinion.
"So?" Remus repeated, raising an eyebrow as Sirius glanced around to make certain no one was near them.
"Did you try it? The engorgio charm?"
Remus's eyebrows shot upward and his gaze slid sideways to James, who had the grace to look embarrassed at their stares. He even went a little pink in the face as he made another move to shove his glasses up his nose. "Well," he mumbled, "yes..."
The two of them stared at him in rapt attention, even Remus unable to ignore this conversation.
"And?" Sirius prompted.
"It...didn't quite work out." He rubbed the back of his head, looking even more embarrassed by the moment. He paused in their steps, gesturing for them to step into an alcove and dropping his voice. "The thing is...it had the opposite effect. I had to have Madame Pomfrey fix it and you have no idea how awkward that was. She wanted an exact measurement because she thought I was trying to lie my way into a bigger size. I had to explain to her why I even had an exact measurement."
Sirius had started to snicker wildly, though he covered his mouth to try and conceal it behind his hand. Remus's mouth twitched, but he did a far better job of covering his mirth, putting on a grave face as if a family member had just died. "That's really unfortunate," Remus said in the tone of a man speaking at a funeral.
James cast him a dry smile, catching Sirius's shaking shoulders. "You both are the worst enablers," he stated plainly.
"I didn't encourage it, I just said it would be interesting."
"And I," Sirius spoke, coughing on his laughter, "told you it would be useful if we could. Better smaller than with a huge knob hanging out of your pants, mate."
James had to laugh at this and the three of them continued their trek towards the classroom, needing to pick up their pace a bit given their pause on the way. This particular referenced conversation had occurred over summer when James and Sirius had been in Spain and had followed into Diagon Alley when they met up with Remus and Peter. The question had been hypothetical: what would engorgio do if one were to use it on human body parts? For them, they wanted to know why wizards never used it to make the fun bits larger.
"Muggles use something called 'plastic surgery,'" Remus had told them thoughtfully. "Apparently it's very popular with Muggle women."
" 'Plastic'?" James had echoed. "What, like they add something to make it...thicker? Longer?"
"Both. And apparently for women, their boobs get bigger." Remus made a gesture with his hands, miming the rounded size on his chest. The other three boys had stared at him, apparently transfixed. One witch walking through Diagon Alley had thrown them a look of disgust at what she had likely considered an obscene gesture. Remus had been thoroughly cowed at the stare and had ducked his head, all clinical conversation of plastic surgery and body augmentation erased from his mind temporarily.
As Sirius and Peter argued over which asset would be the best to use engorgio on a girl, James had fallen into a contemplative silence until they arrived at Flourish and Blotts. After retrieving their new sets of books for their fifth year, he had flashed his wicked, confident smile, saying, "I'll do it."
"Do what?" Remus had asked, startled, as he looked up from one of the books he had bought for pleasure reading.
"I'll try engorgio."
"Come off it," Sirius had laughed in disbelief. "You'll look like a prat using that and having a huge knob hanging off your broomstick."
"That's if it goes wrong," James had replied with the same cocky grin. "But I'm one of the best in our class for Charms and it's a fairly basic spell!"
"I think you're going to find that charming a teacup compared to a human body part is going to be a lot different," Remus had said, amused, though he did not try to convince James to do otherwise.
Presently, James had shrugged off the embarrassment and took the failure rather well considering how his ego must have been deflated upon explaining the predicament to Madame Pomfrey.
"Anyway, it doesn't matter," James said as they settled into their desks in Ancient Runes. Leaning over, he grinned as he added, "It's about the skill, not the size, mates."
Sirius barked out a laugh while Remus rolled his eyes with a dry smile. As James settled back into his desk, Professor Babbling came in, briskly clapping her hands for the attention of the class. Sirius leaned his elbow against the top of the desk, flipping through the book idly as the rolls of homework parchment flew up to the professor's desk. Glancing up, he stiffened upon catching a pair of brilliant green eyes staring at him. The fine eyebrows snapped down as their gaze met and Lily Evans's mouth turned into a tiny little frown as he quickly averted his gaze.
Avoiding her, he feared, was going to be more of an obstacle than he had thought.