Christmas Shopping Ain't for Sissies

Daryl drove into the parking lot of the firearms store. "You sure this is the place?" Somehow Smith & Wesson doesn't say Christmas to most people.

"This is it. Rick loves guns. Andrea hates guns. Rick wants a gun for Christmas. Andrea refuses to buy him a gun. So every year I buy an instrument of mass destruction and register it in my name. Then after Christmas registers it in his name. Andrea reimburses me the money." Carol hopped out of the truck and started toward the supermarket sized building.

Daryl followed. I thought Christmas shopping with Carol would be at some upscale mall instead here at Guns R Us.

A very large bald man wanded them before they got to the security desk where they had to prove that they weren't felons, didn't have restraining orders against them, and didn't intend to use their weapons to attack America. Carol took it all very calmly so Daryl figured that it wasn't her first shooting match. Why did they search us for guns before we got in the store. There's like a million guns inside.

Daryl waited until they were through security before he asked, "Why doesn't Andrea just buy the gun herself. She's paying for it anyway."

Carol laughed and he liked the way her entire face smiled when something amused her. Even her eyes twinkled. "There is probably a restraining order keeping Andrea fifty yards away from the store. She tried to do it. She and I came here five years ago with the intention of Andrea buying a firearm for Rick. Just being here made Andrea nuts. She's a liberal who favors gun control. This place is her personal hell. I thought she was going to make it. We had the gun and we're just waiting for the gun check to be finished. The couple behind us in line were complaining about having to wait for their gun. They blamed the wait on commie-loving deviants in Congress and the liberal conspiracy to deprive Americans of the right to defend themselves. Andrea kept her mouth shut until they said that they were buying the gun so that their sixteen year old son could carry it to his school in case there was a shooter. Then it got ugly. The police let everyone go, and no charges were filed, and it is for the best that I buy the gun and Andrea stay away, far away."

"So what does Rick want in his stocking this year?" Daryl looked down the aisles of the giant store, "We could start our own army."

"Rick is gun gung ho this and every year. Little Ricky wants his own assault rifle." Carol charged down an aisle and Daryl followed her. The guy behind the counter ignored Carol and looked at Daryl, "Sir, would you like some help?"

Daryl decided to have some fun, "My woman, she's been wanting one of those assault rifles for Christmas. Nothing says happy holidays like a new firearm."

Carol rolled her eyes at Daryl and then looked at the clerk, "I am interested in purchasing an assault rifle. Can you show me what you have in stock?" Carol used her smart phone to check some numbers and specs on the rifles and finally she found the one that Rick wanted. The clerk took all the information and agreed to page Carol so that she could pick up the rifle after all the gun checks went through.

Daryl wanted to go look at the crossbows. He had used one years ago but he was out of practice. He was shocked at the price tags on the crossbows, but they were finely crafted and he found one he really liked. Didn't make sense, but he found one that felt right in his hands. He put it back, "That's too much money for a bow I won't use." There wasn't a salesperson around to talk to either.

"I need to go get a pistol for Andrea. Rick is determined to teach her how to use one this year. I promised to look for one for her." Carol glanced at her watch, "If you are finished here."

Carol looked at the stock and finally chose a 9mm Glock. She had taken it out and racked it and heft it in her hand. "This is the one I want."." She handles that pistol like she knows her way around a weapon. Yeah, it turns me on.

She looked at Daryl. "We have a few minutes before this gun is checked out. Do you want to go back and look at the crossbows again?"

Daryl protested, "It was too much. Not paying that kind of money for a bow." Or a car, a boat, or a motorcycle.

"It's not that much money. You own half a construction company and you want that bow. Be good to yourself." Carol patted his shoulder. I would like to be good to you for hours. My bad.

"I'll just go look at it. Might be able to find one just as good somewhere else." Won't be as good as that one though.

There was a salesclerk at the crossbows when they got there. Guy about their age who looked at Carol like she was on his Christmas list and ignored Daryl. She's with me, asshole.

"Can I help you with anything?" Stop staring at her tits would be a good start.

"My man, he's been wanting one of those crossbows. Nothing says happy holidays like a new firearm." Carol's face was perfectly serious but her eyes were dancing.

The clerk tore his glance away from Carol's tits and looked at Daryl, "Have you ever used a crossbow?" Condescending asshole, I oughta put a bolt up your ass.

"Yes, I have. I want this one." Daryl picked out the one he wanted, "I need a good supply of bolts too. Never know when you might need to bring a varmint down."

The clerk gulped, "Yes, sir. Just tell me what you need."

Carol patted his arm again, "I just heard my page. I'll meet you at the exit."

Daryl leaned over and kissed her, "I'll be there as soon as I get finished." Carol's eyebrows went up a little, but she didn't say anything.

They loaded the weapons in the back seat of the truck. "We can eat lunch or rob a bank." Daryl threw an old tarp over the weapons.

"I'll buy lunch. It's Sunday and the banks are closed. We'll have to wait until tomorrow to start our crime spree." Carol looked at her watch. "I'm hungry."

They ate lunch at the food court of an upscale mall. Then the grind began. Daryl carried bags and followed Carol around. He didn't whine. Dixons don't whine. Then again no Dixon man would carry bags and follow a woman around a mall like a damn pussy. Carol shopped with relentless efficiency. Apparently she knew what she wanted and where to get it.

"I'm finished for today. Is there anything you would like to look for?" Carol asked him. Like I would go shopping in a place like this.

"A cold beer would be good. I didn't whine." My feet hurt. These bags are getting heavy. I want to go home.

"I'm ready to go home. You probably have beer in your apartment." My apartment? I want to go home and hang out with you.

His stomach rumbled. "Let's order a pizza. We could watch a movie or something." My choice of movie or something would be R rated. I'm too tired for an X movie or an X something.

TWDTWDTWD

The beer was cold and the pizza was deliciously hot. Daryl kept eyeing Carol's collection of Mother Earth News. "You read this?" He looked at the cover, "Compost Happens" and "You Too Can Find Happiness in a 20 by 20 House."

"You're making those titles up. I read every issue. So does Sophia. It just a thing with us." Carol bit into her pizza. "Ooh, that's hot." She took a drink of cold beer, "That's better."

"Why would you read it? It's not like you are going to be making apple butter out on the parking lot." You're a woman who wears power suits and lives in a city.

Carol wiped her hands with a napkin, "Sometimes when I come home I'm all wired up. Mother Earth calms me down. It's like an adult fairy tale. Everyone lives happily ever after. Just content to make their own cheese and grow vegetables all year long. Harmonious with nature. Peaceful." She took a sip of beer. "You can borrow some if you want to read some articles."

Daryl picked up a few magazines, "I'll take these and look them over. See if I can find my zen."

They finished the pizza and the beer and Daryl knew it was time to go, "I better make that long cold walk to my apartment." He stood up, "Do you have a gun? You seemed to know your way around a pistol."

"I bought a pistol years ago. I was afraid that Ed might show up sometime. I still have it. Take it out every few months to a pistol range and practice." Carol stood up, "I could protect you on that long cold walk across the hall."

Daryl grabbed the magazines and drifted toward the door. Carol eased her way toward him. "You do take Christmas shopping seriously."

She patted his arm again, "Christmas shopping isn't for sissies."

He put his arms around her and they kissed until he was ready to rethink the R rating on the "something".

"What time do we rob the bank tomorrow?' Daryl licked her ear and felt Carol's involuntary shudder.

"Lunchtime. That's when banks are the busiest. We can be in and out in no time. Out in a flash with the cash." Her tongue began to explore his mouth and Daryl knew she felt his involuntary shudder.

She pulled away, "Go on then. You go home and play with your new bow." I would rather stay here and play with you.

He opened the door and peered out into the brightly lit hallway, "It's dark and scary out there. Maybe I should stay here where it's safe."

"Thank you for going with me today. I'm going to be smiling all day tomorrow when I think of you telling that clerk that you might need to bring a varmint down." Carol waited until he was at his door.

"I'll text you tomorrow." She waved at him and closed the door behind her.

TWDTWDTWD

Daryl waited until noon to text Carol. "Dinner? Rob a bank?"

He was rewarded a minute later, "Dinner. Save the robbery for Black Friday."

"Ribs? Fixings? I'll pick it up on way home." Please don't be working late tonight.

"Sounds good. Be home by six." Daryl put his phone in his jacket pocket and turned around and bumped into Jesse.

"Good news? You got a big smile on your face". Jesse snickered, "How was Christmas shopping yesterday?"

Daryl gritted his teeth. Everybody knowing my damn business. "It ain't for sissies."

Both men laughed, but Jesse turned serious, "Loving a woman ain't for sissies, but it's worth it."

AN

Buying a handgun in a reputable store comes with lots of paper work. In this story Carol buys a gun knowing that she is going to give the gun to Rick. Actually, you have to swear that you are buying the gun for yourself and are not going to give it to someone else. I changed it for story purposes but Dear Readers don't try that at your local gun store.

Next chapter will be more serious. Carol is facing some challenges at work.

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