I honestly can't thank you guys enough for the amazing reviews I got for the first chapter of this! Thanks so much to sharp-talons, cosmopolitan, HalfBloodHannah, JohnMayer1207, AlaiLuver, Anon, messyblackhair66, Rachel, fudge-butter, Joelle Cher, Prongs'LilyFlower, Cuban Sombrero Gal and JAMESandLILLYareCUTE. I can't believe how long since I updated :S so sorry about that too.
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Ch 2: Testing the Limits
Lily's unrelenting fury stayed with her for days. In her spitting rage Emma hadn't quite understood the reasoning behind Lily's anger but needless to say that didn't bother her as long as Lily was contributing to her sabotage plan.
Hell has no fury like a woman scorned. How very true.
One lingering problem remained however. How do you get even with a guy like James Potter? He was flawless, undefeatable, such a rare specimen of human kind it seemed nothing could oppose him.
"It can't be done." Emma concluded angrily after two plans of sabotage had gone straight down the gurgler. "He's simply indestructible."
Nothing like that short break between classes to strike a brainwave. The girls' bathrooms were notorious for being a haven of information. No girl seemed to be able to resist a quick gossip as they checked their perfect hair for faults and tittered excitingly about whose elbow accidentally touched someone else's and whether or not it was really obvious that you liked John Smith when you had Mrs John Smith and I love John Smith printed across all your books surrounded by enchanted flashing love hearts. Normally Lily steered clear of the lip gloss scented, perfume engulfed, gossip exchanging cubicles but for once their uses were founded.
"Uh-uh. We're just not hitting in the right spot. He's got to have a weakness somewhere and we just have to find it." Lily argued back in frustration. It simply had to be there unless he was secretly a flawlessly programmed robot with an extra-large serving of pheromones.
A delighted smile lit up Emma's face. "You're brilliant Lily." All she was met with was a sceptical stare. "Think about it; what makes James tick? What is it that makes him an irresistible god in everybody's blind eyes?"
The bang of a cubicle opening surprised them as Lily jumped back, crushing Emma's foot in her wake. Platinum blonde hair swished elegantly as Cameron Prince stepped out with the click of her two inch heels with startling poise.
"It's everything." She murmured in a dreamy voice, which for Cameron-the-slightly-anal-retentive-annunciation-Queen was saying something. "It's his smile, his charm, how he makes you laugh, the way he holds you and nothing else seems to matter –"
"Hello, did we ask you?" Emma butted in rudely, her dark gaze defiant. Dreamy voice and expression were quickly replaced with one of dislike.
"Well you aren't getting very far are you?" The sharp, icy tones of Cameron snapped in reply. Angry glares shot from one to the other, heated sparks quickly growing to a roaring fire.
To say Cameron and Emma didn't see eye to eye would be a considerable understatement. Both loud and bossy, they were most definitely not a good mix. Quick tongue bated ice-cool attitude and without Lily to intervene an all out bitch fight would have been inevitable.
"Cool it Emma. I think Cameron's on to something." Emma's indignant sniff was ignored as Cameron cast her a triumphant smirk.
"We've got to cut him at the knees; turn James' Potter's peerless reputation against him. Reveal him as the phoney he really is. If his game is that he's always got a date…" Scheming brilliance glimmered from Lily's bottle green eyes.
"…then we make him undatable."
"A destruction of everything that is James Potter."
It was as perfect as James Potter's mind blowing smile. As indestructible as his irresistible charisma. More foolproof than his twisted mind games with naïve schoolgirls.
Cameron wrinkled her perfectly symmetrical, blemish free nose. Talking about scarily perfect people, Lily thought enviously. "Yeah, but how do we do that?"
Self-congratulatory smiles faded, slipping from glowing faces like melting ice cream. Knowing where to hit was one thing. Knowing how to do it was a whole other factor in consideration.
"Uh…"
---
Scarlet flames reflected in the large emerald eyes of Lily. With a soft humming noise she uncrossed her legs and stared deeper into the hypnotic flames. Still no brain waves. It was beginning to get tedious now, the dedicated hours of plotting sabotage, the fruitless attempts to deflect arguments between Cameron and Emma and the twinging bursts of vicious anger whenever James stepped within her radar.
"I've got it."
The voice of Cameron drew Lily's gaze up to be met with her devious one. Despite Emma's forceful protests against it, Cameron seemed to have unofficially joined the Pound James Potter into a Gooey Mess organisation. And while Cameron may have looked like your typical superficial, self-absorbed, platinum blonde bimbo her appearance was deceiving. The quick witted Ravenclaw had thus far proved to be, well a pain in the arse to say the least, but also quite an asset. Two just wasn't quite enough to think up, let alone pull off anything remotely ingenious enough to throw James Potter from his high horse. And only someone as manipulative and seemingly perfect as Cameron herself was a match for He-Who-Must-Be-Undatable.
And it seemed that she was just about to prove her worth.
Now, Emma wasn't nasty by nature but her forceful personality did prove testing at times. As she contorted her face into numerous mocking expressions Lily listened to The Plan. A wicked grin quickly stole across her face until the both of them, and even Emma, were wearing matching Cheshire cat grins.
Simple is the key. Show time.
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As per usual James was strutting, head held high, through the many corridors of Hogwarts. Meanwhile a cluster of three girls lurked just out of sight with sly smiles, watching their carefully plotted plans put into action.
"Shit." James cursed angrily as a large tear appeared in his bag, papers and books flying in every direction, ink bottles smashing atop the lot.
The throngs of students milling through the crowded corridor weaved out of the way, a few just arriving clustering towards him trying to catch a glimpse of the hold up.
"Here Prongs." Remus handed him a pile of assorted parchments as Sirius and Peter set about retrieving the further scattered belongings.
A collective gasp could be heard through the corridor and suddenly it sounded as if someone had pressed the mute button on a TV.
"Erm, this yours Potter?" A burly Hufflepuff asked, kicking a piece of parchment towards him.
A few grimaces could be seen, the occasional snort of laughter from those close enough to read as James Potter, King of Hogwarts turned beet red.
Do you suffer from performance inadequacies or anxiety? Erection problems? Premature ejaculation?
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"That's not mine!" James yelled loudly, his face nearing on glow-in-the-dark. Lily clutched her sides in laughter and tears of mirth pricked at her eyes.
And then the bombshell hit.
"Sex Matters? James, you never told me you suffered performance problems!" Sirius exclaimed in what would be yelling for most people. On Sirius it made people clap hands over their ears at the deafeningly loud sound. "You told me you were a tiger in the sack."
"I-I don't! I-It's not mine I swear!" Who knew James Potter could be short of words?
Gales of laughter were brewing up from the crowd, mocking cat-calls emitting from deep inside the throng of cackling students. A few murmurings of 'that's what they all say.'
"Now you mention it though," Sirius carried on in that thunderous voice of his. "I did suspect it for a while. Especially when we kept catching you practising engorgement charms and you went all red and wouldn't tell us why."
Someone threw a tomato which landed on one of James' shoes, splattering it in red goo. People were beginning to point and laugh like he was some toothless leper with a boob growing out of his forehead and trying to pick his nose with his toes.
"I think we did it." Lily gasped between uncontrollable giggles.
James was now flailing around with his arms trying to recapture the attention of the crowd and convince them that he did not indeed suffer from an 'oozy green pecker' as was the latest call across the corridor.
"WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON HERE?" Professor McGonagall's timing could not have been more perfect.
Silence.
"Will someone please tell me why all of you are clustered in the corridor when you should all be in class?" Her nostrils were flared and her lips pursed so thin they were almost invisible.
Sirius let out a loud snort and her beady eyes sought him out immediately. "Mr Black. Would you care to enlighten me as to what is so funny?"
James' face seemed to drain of all colour, the whole crowd waiting with baited breath for the inevitable.
"James here feels inadequate in the sack. He's having a few pecker problems."
Professor McGonagall's eyebrows rose so high they seemed to get lost in her hair and her eyes narrowed.
"Potter, Black, my office now!" She barked menacingly. No one moved an inch. "The rest of you, back to class."
If looks could kill, Sirius would be so mutilated by now as to be rendered unrecognisable with the glares of utter loathing coming from James.
With one quick high-five to each other the three girls dispersed back into the crowd, ecstatic grins lingering as they trudged back to their lessons.
---
"Size doesn't matter Potter. Honestly, it doesn't make you any less of a man… oh wait, yes it does!"
"Bugger off." James muttered under his breath as taunts followed him like a dark shadow. His pride had taken its biggest beating yet, what with public mocking and then being asked if he needed 'help' or to 'talk' about anything by Professor McGonagall while being force fed ginger newts. Who would have thought old Minnie had it in her? Sirius, on the other hand was given a weeks worth of detention shovelling dragon dung in the green houses.
It seemed James Potter had fallen from his pedestal. Girls snubbed him when he walked past and guys jeered loudly in his wake. And Lily couldn't keep the satisfied smirk off her face, shining like a lighthouse beacon.
But everyone seemed to be forgetting something. This was James Potter. And James Potter could never stop being James Potter. James Potter did not take sabotage hands down.
In warfare, never underestimate your opponent. Especially when he's handcuff-to-the-bed-NOW handsome, cocky as hell, and bitter with revenge.
Barely a day had passed and Lily, Emma and Cameron were staring shell-shocked at their respective house tables as cheers filled the Great Hall.
"So, on behalf of Sex Matter I am honoured to be able to present this award of Community Service to James Potter for his invaluable compassion and aid to those in need."
Grinning fiercely, James swaggered up to the teachers' table to deafening applause and wolf-whistles as Lily forced herself to put the fork down before she speared someone's hand so hard that they had enough holes in their hand that they could use it as a quill holder.
However, what was funniest seemed to be the brutal taunts turn to admiring praise. James Potter was high-fived down the corridors, passed innumerable love notes to make any hapless romantic queasy.
"I never believed it anyway, but still, I hear the smallest ones are like tigers in the bedroom. Rawr."
The batted eyelashes, simpering smiles, suggestive winks not to mention the saucy cat claws were enough to make even the strongest stomach sick.
"I don't get it!" Emma stormed furiously to Lily as they made their way to Potions. "We give him the freaking sexual prowess of a castrated midget and he gets a bloody award for it!"
Lily huffed loudly and irately as her thumping footsteps drew them closer to Professor Slughorn's classroom.
Normally Lily quite liked potions. Without sounding anything like as arrogant as Potter, she was good at it which certainly gave it most, okay all, of the subjects appeal. Today however, she felt certain she was going to drown someone in her cauldron due to insanity if the lesson didn't end soon. James' bag was also sitting dangerously close to the flame beneath her cauldron that she should not possibly be held responsible if it were to slip… okay, she had to get a grip now.
Lily did not take to failure very well and his miraculous comeback only seemed to fuel her burning hatred for James Potter, her unbridled desire to pound him into a fine powder as she was currently doing to her asphodel root.
Her hand moved swiftly as to almost be a blur as she cut up her valerian roots into small pieces and added them to her cauldron. Potter's atrociously fat head was right in front of her. Her fingers twitched with the longing to seize her knife and ferociously hack off all his hair. He'd look damn stupid bald. Like an oversized and hideous baby. Like his intellect.
Instantly, her Draught of Living Death potion turned a dark purple, the colour of freshly picked blackcurrants. She supposed she couldn't give Potter a black eye for his insolence without punishment could she?
Using the flat side of her silver dagger Lily crushed her Sopophorous Bean to extract the juice before hastily adding that too to her potion. She wished she had a photograph of Potter's face. She could pin it up in the Girl's dorm and use his face as a dart board. That would be fun.
As she languidly stirred her potion, the colour changing slowly from a soft lilac to a clear as water and finally a shade of palest pink, more annihilation possibilities rolled through her mind, each more tempting than the last yet so far out of the question that her mood turned quickly sullen.
Scooping up a sample of her finished potion, Lily walked towards the front of the room when something brushed her arm in a not entirely unpleasant fashion. Turning her head slightly to whoever was standing to her left, a look of outrage crossed her features.
Instantly the taste of bile swum in her throat and she made a silent gagging motion. Oh how she took that back. It was the most odious brush of her hand she'd ever experienced. Eurgh.
In repulsion she wiped her hand on her robes as if trying to rid herself of some vile germ or infection. Potter-itis.
---
"It's hopeless!" Emma cried despairingly as she threw herself dramatically onto the common room couch.
It didn't take a genius to figure out where her state of current gloom had materialised from. Nothing, however, matched Lily's sour look as if she'd just swallowed a lemon.
"Well maybe if you did something other than read Snitch Weekly we might get a bit further." Came Lily's snappy reply, her temper getting the better of her.
"Witch Weekly. And it has some good articles in it."
Lily raised her eyebrows in mock surprise. "What? Like, 'I'm a fourteen-year-old crack-whore who should have made my skeazy boyfriend wear a condom and now I'm pregnant. What should I do?''?" She asked innocently.
Emma let out a snort of laughter and with a quick flick of her wrist, the magazine flew straight into the smouldering flames of the common room fire.
"So, any ideas?" Emma continued casually as Lily's thoughtful eyes followed the path of the magazine, watching silently as the edges began to curl up and turn to ash.
"Drown him in my cauldron and feed him to the Slytherins for dinner?"
Her sarcastic reply was not appreciated as Emma gave a loud sigh. A small disturbance in the form of a snotty third year suspended any further disputes.
"Has anyone seen my magazine? I left it there." She pointed straight at Emma who arranged her expression into one of distinct puzzlement bordering on concern before settling into regret.
"Peter Pettigrew was reading it."
Lily stared at her friend in surprise and the snooty girl pouted brattily.
"What was he doing with it?"
Emma pulled an embarrassed face. "Don't mention it to him 'cause I know he's a little sensitive about it but he's got a bit of a women's clothes fetish and all and reading girly magazines is the only way he finds he can fulfil his sick fantasies." She nodded and gave the girl the sort of wink that said 'don't tell anyone.'
The girl stared at her like she's just sprouted thick black hair out of her ears with a slowly growing expression of disbelief.
"You stole it didn't you!" She accused, brandishing a finger at Emma who did her best to look innocent.
"Has anyone seen my lacy black corset with the ribbons on it?" Peter hollered down the boy's staircase.
With a sour look, the girl strutted away, shaking her head like she was the only sane one around. As soon as she was well out of earshot Lily let out a burst of laughter.
"Women's clothes fetish to fulfil his sick fantasies?" She managed through her flurry of unsubsiding giggles.
Shrugging, Emma grinned looking rather pleased with herself.
"Oh my gosh, I have the most brilliant beyond brilliant idea!" A wide eyed, excited look suddenly radiating from Lily's shining face as Emma's own turned doubtful.
"No, no and no, we are not dressing James Potter in a thong and handcuffing him to Professor McGonagall's desk." She said firmly.
Lily eyed her weirdly. "Ew, no. But I do have the best idea ever!"
---
"What exactly are we doing?" Demanded Cameron impatiently. Emma cast her an exasperated glance.
"I believe it's called eating. More commonly know as the digestion of food for nutritional purposes." Answered Lily, laughing madly at her own – rather lame – crack.
Looking tetchy and completely unimpressed, Cameron sniffed haughtily. "Short of shoving an entire hippogriff down his throat and hoping he'll choke, that is about as useless as windscreen wipers on a motorbike. So, what is the plan?"
A sly smile spread across Lily's face. She raised her eyebrows as if to say 'wouldn't you like to know?' and stayed silent.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
The impatient taps as Cameron eyed her dangerously while drumming her foot impatiently slightly softened Lily's triumphant look. "Just wait until transfiguration."
With that said, and a slight skip in her step as she went, Lily slung her bag over her shoulder and flounced from the Great Hall in the direction of the transfiguration classroom.
Heading directly to her usual spot, Lily took her seat, placed her bag neatly beside her chair and waited patiently, her legs crossed at the ankles as her hands laid neatly folded in her lap. It was simply a matter of routine. What wasn't so routine was the 'I'm a rebel and proud of it' smirk playing at her lips, uncannily to the one that so often graced a certain messy haired Marauder's under suspicious circumstances.
"Good morning Professor." Lily called politely to Professor McGonagall's turned back. Nearly all the class consisting of the Gryffindors and Ravenclaws were settled in their seats and gazing expectantly towards the front of the room.
"Good morning class. Today we'll be learning conjuring spells." The Professor said loudly and clearly as she turned around to face the assembled students.
A hush instantly fell over the students, completely unlike anything from a teacher's wildest dreams. Or perhaps in this case, worst nightmares. Attuned to everything her hawk-like eyes could land on, Professor McGonagall stared her class directly in the eyes as if daring them to say something.
A loud snort broke the stiff silence as Emma clapped a hand across her mouth to stifle her laughter as tears of mirth swam in her eyes. Sirius let out a long, low whistle from somewhere at the back and if she'd cared to turned around, Lily would have seen James' eyes bugging out in a mixture of fear, awe and shock.
"Why Professor," The boy in question called loudly a mere second later, with his cocky smirk instantly back in place. "I didn't realise you felt that way."
In the way that only the famous Marauders themselves could achieve with such utter perfection, her lips turned to thin lines and her nostrils flared angrily.
"Minnie, how could you!" Sirius added in a wounded cry as he dramatically clutched his heart as if in pain.
The billows of smoke could almost be seen emerging from her nostrils as she threatened to breathe fire onto the front row.
"Would anyone care to explain what the problem is?"
No one spoke or made so much as a noise. And to her utter dismay, her beady eyes swung around to Lily.
"Miss Evans, as a responsible and honest member of this school community, please explain what seems to be the problem."
Conflicting emotions of hysterical laughter and flooding dread threatened to burst from her as she looked everywhere but at her Professor's face.
"Miss Evans?"
Emma literally buried her face in her hands to contain her hysterics.
"I love James Potter." Lily murmured faintly, staring straight out the open window into the courtyard.
Professor McGonagall's eyebrows went up. Way up. "I beg your pardon Miss Evans. Now is not the time for bizarre dedications of ardour."
Muttering a quick spell to conjure a mirror, Lily passed the small frame to the astounded Professor. Her eyes widened, then narrowed to tiny slits that it was very surprising she could even see. As a matter of fact, given different circumstances Lily would have been very curious as to ask. Her white lips were the thinnest of thin lines and she appeared to be breathing heavily out of her nose.
In bold letters shone the words 'I love James Potter' tattooed across Professor McGonagall's forehead in colours of scarlet and gold – keeping Gryffindor pride and all. But it didn't end there. Beside these outrageous words was a strategically placed kiss mark in some bright red lipstick.
"James Potter." Her voice was a death whisper that, hadn't it been so funny, would have scared the living daylights out of even a raging dragon. "Would you care to explain these sentiments?"
James stared at her blankly, for once, completely innocent of the crime. Yet somehow he'd cried wolf too often.
"Well, you should have just said something Professor. No need to announce it to the school and everything. I'm sure we can work something out." He said cheekily, sending her a wink as he spoke. Professor McGonagall looked ready to throttle him with her bare hands.
"Ahem. Minerva?" Tiny Professor Flitwick stood uncomfortably in the doorway. "Never mind, I'll come back later." He hurried off looking highly embarrassed as the class sniggered unobtrusively.
Red blotches of colour were appearing on Professor McGonagall's face.
"A week of detentions Potter." She snapped. James opened him mouth to undoubtedly argue that it hadn't actually been himself but was silenced with a look. "However," she added almost grudgingly and with the merest hint of softening. "Take ten points for Gryffindor for that truly amazing demonstration of advanced charms work."
Lily could have sworn her lips looked less thin, almost like she was about to smile or something completely ridiculous like that. Or maybe she was just passing wind because that always made people smile. Instantly, her visions of Potter dodging curses of the enraged professor, or being awarded a month of cleaning infirmary bedpans without magic faded from her mind.
"Genius." Someone towards the back of the classroom muttered in uncontained awe.
Irritation surged through Lily's blood as she stared at the previously livid Professor who was now, quite calmly one might add, explaining the correct incantation of conjuring specific objects now that the words had disappeared from her face.
And of course, as it does through a gossip frenzied school, word spread like wildfire. It seemed the only thing anybody talked about for the rest of the day as James' strutted down the corridors to cheers and high-fives.
Anger seizing the better of her, her foot 'accidentally' made its way into the oncoming path of James Potter.
"Oops." She said in mock apology. "I'm terribly sorry."
If she had anything to do with it, next time he'd get more than a week of detentions and a bruised knee.
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A/N Okay this is my lame lame attempt at writing humour and unfortunately I have the sad feeling I'm failing rather miserably. I hope this chapter wasn't too ridiculously stupid or cliche. I feel terrible after all those wonderful reviews for the first chapter and I hope I haven't let you guys down too much. Anymore pranks for the next chapter or just cut to the chase and move on?
Please review if you want, but please be kind, I don't think my puny ego can handle flames. Thanks