Cinderjuice

A Beetlejuice fanfic by Lady Norbert

Author's Notes: What you're about to experience is arguably the weirdest thing I've ever written - and if you've ever read my Fullmetal Alchemist/Ouran High School Host Club crossover, you know that that's saying something.

One of Lydia's remarks is a quiet shout-out to Tumblr, because it's a bit of a meme there; if you're on Tumblr, you'll probably recognize it. Meanwhile, the song in this chapter is not presented in its entirety. If you're unfamiliar with it, I highly recommend looking it up on YouTube, because it really must be heard in order for its genius to be fully appreciated.

I will add that, based on commentary I received from my beta readers, you should probably not drink anything while reading this chapter.

Chapter Five: A Pretty Plot for Scary Tales

"Ugh... what kind of cutesy theme is this?" BJ muttered as they entered the school gym.

"Yeah, 'Forever in Pink' wasn't my preference either," she replied. "I tried to vote for a Halloween-in-spring motif, but the committee wasn't having it. That's why I thought the cemetery photos beforehand were a good idea."

"It does take a bit of the gack out of all this sugar," he agreed.

They found Prudence and Bertha, who were hanging around near the punch table with their dates. "Hey, everybody!" said Lydia. "Beej, these are my friends that I've told you about, Bertha and Prudence; Bertha's here with Devin, who is her biology lab partner, and Prudence's date is Kyle, he's on the yearbook staff with me. Guys, this is BJ."

"Nice to meet you all," he said. She admired how natural he made it sound.

"We hoped we were going to get the chance to meet you! Lydia wouldn't tell us much about you," said Prudence, peering up at him. "She makes you out to be such a mystery."

He chuckled, looping an arm across Lydia's shoulders. "Yeah, she does like to surprise people, know what I mean?"

From across the room, Claire's voice cut through the pleasant chitchat. "Eugh, Lydia, what are you wearing? Did you make it yourself?"

"I did, in fact," Lydia replied calmly as Claire - dripping from head to toe in shimmering pink silk - sidled up to the group.

"Well, that's a relief. At least that means there's only one dress like it. Oh, and is this the secret boyfriend?" She eyed BJ up and down, a sour expression in her eyes. "Where did you dig him up?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you." Almost without thinking, Lydia edged slightly closer to BJ; he squeezed her shoulder as though to say he understood.

The three pairs, happy to get away from Claire, found a table and sat down for refreshments before the dancing opened. "So you mean Lydia's friend Betty is actually your cousin?" Bertha asked of BJ.

"Yeah, uh... I'm adopted."

"How did you two meet?" Bertha wanted to know.

"Well, Lydia's mom has hired my dad for a couple of odd jobs over the years," he explained, lounging a bit in his chair. "Dad took a liking to Lyds and thought we ought to meet, since we like a lot of the same stuff." He glanced at her and smiled. "Between him and Betty, I guess it was only a matter of time."

"Right," she replied composedly, amused. "Unfortunately, it's usually a long-distance relationship, since he doesn't live around here."

"Why'd you keep it a secret all this time?"

"Well, I couldn't really prove he existed, so I thought it was just easier to not mention it. He's a little hard to explain sometimes," she added, ruffling his hair. He grinned lopsidedly, rolling his eyes.

"It's a shame, though. That means they've never heard all the stories from before we were dating." BJ met her eyes and winked. "Like that time we went to the Wild West show!"

"Oh, no - you don't mean - " She giggled. "With the, uh, cowpoke who wouldn't leave me alone?"

"That's the one. Oh, and my car that's sitting outside? She helped me with the refurb. I didn't even know what a carburetor was," he admitted.

The conversation continued largely in this vein through the dining portion of the evening, since Lydia's friends were so entertained by BJ's versions of events. Eventually the dance floor opened up, the prom court was announced, and people lined up for their professional portraits. After half the senior class (and BJ) postured their way through a rather terrible rendition of the "Thriller" dance, Lydia, Prudence, and Bertha made their way to the ladies' room.

"I'm glad Claire got to be in the prom court," Lydia noted, "but I'm even more glad she didn't make queen. So are you having fun?"

"Yeah, this is great!" Prudence chirped. "And you should bring BJ to more stuff. He's a fun guy and you're really happy when he's here."

"Oh, you think so, huh?" She washed her hands, chuckling.

"Well, yeah," said Bertha, passing her a paper towel. "You know how they say people glow when they're happy? That's you tonight."

"Aw, you two are sweet! But we'd better get back before he does anything silly; I'm like 85% of his impulse control."

They found Devin and Kyle right where they'd left them, but BJ was nowhere in sight. "Where'd he go?" Lydia asked, puzzled.

"He said he was going to request a song for you," said Devin.

"Oh." She tried to suppress a giggle, but it was impossible. "So we're going to do that, huh?"

"Do what?" Prudence inquired.

"Well..."

Before she could properly elaborate, however, the disc jockey's voice cut through the air. "All right, guys and dolls," he said, "we've got a special request and I've been asked for a bit of clear space on the dance floor. Lydia Deetz, this number is for you."

"Ew," she heard Claire say, though most of the rest of the buzz was merely curious. As the crowd backed up a bit, she saw BJ, and fought down a laugh. He swiped a long-stemmed rose from one of the floral centerpieces and put it between his teeth, then stood at attention as the opening notes of the song began to play. One hand was lifted in the air, with the other curled across his stomach. His fingers snapped rhythmically, arms switching positions after each line of the opening verse.

I ache for the touch of your lips, dear,

But much more for the touch of your whips, dear

You can raise welts

Like nobody else

As we dance to the Masochism Tango!

He extended a hand and Lydia hurried forward to take it, allowing him to spin her against him. They'd done this at least a dozen times at home, ever since she'd first discovered the old song and played it for him. (Granted, they usually spent a portion of the dance airborne, but that wasn't an option tonight.) Their steps were in perfect time; for some verses they stamped their feet in place while snapping their fingers, while other portions of the song had them pressed close as they stalked sinuously across the floor, their clasped hands extended before them. There was a manic gleam in BJ's eyes the entire time.

At your command, before you here I stand,

My heart is in my hand... ecch...

It's here that I must be!

My heart entreats, so hear those savage beats,

Then go put on your cleats

And come and trample me!

He dipped her, looming over her with an almost horrible grin, and she couldn't help but laugh. The dip was so low that her hair nearly brushed the floor before he whisked her upright again. There was a distinct pounding in her ears that might not be entirely related to the music, but he was spinning her before she could think too much about it.

Bash in my brain and make me scream with pain,

Then kick me once again

And say we'll never part;

I know too well, I'm underneath your spell,

So darling, if you smell

Something burning, it's my heart!

BJ paused dancing just long enough to thump his chest and burp. "Excuse me."

As the song began to wind down, he marched her across the floor once again, then spun her away from him. Releasing her hand for an instant, he allowed her to twirl on her own (usually she would be floating for this, and she wasn't entirely sure that she wasn't floating now) before catching it once again. As Tom Lehrer's recorded voice exulted the final line, he spun her back against himself and dipped her one last time, then straightened and took the rose from his teeth, offering it to her. She was almost laughing too hard to accept it. Nothing quite like this had ever been seen at one of their school dances, and few people seemed to know how to respond other than by clapping and roaring with laughter.

At some distance, however, the captain of the school's rugby team was staring in perfect bewilderment. "What was that?" he asked his date.

Claire folded her arms and looked away, scowling. "For someone as weird and gross as Lydia Deetz?" She huffed. "Probably foreplay."