What If I Said
Chapter 6: Married and Afterward
I'm getting married today, on the eve of my 17th birthday. I'm sitting at a dressing table at the back of the church, staring into a mirror as I put on my rosary. My dress isn't conventional; it's a vibrant neon green three-quarter sleeved gown with a deep V-back. It's very simple, paired with my black heels and a white lily comb sweeping my bangs back from my face. I think it's kinda weird to be getting married before senior prom. I'm chewing on my bottom lip when Stacy's mom walks in, Peggy behind her toting Desiree. And Kathy Alva is behind them, holding Isis. Peggy's my maid of honor. "This is the last time i wear a dress until I get married. But don't think I'm not happy for you!" She says. The twins are giggling in their baby pink flower girl dresses. My brother Shoe walks in. He's acting as my escort, since my father refused to attend. It's all so surreal. People criticize me for being married with children before I even turn eighteen like I'm a bad person. The don't even know what it's like, how hard it's been. I mean, the twins are almost a year old. It's late July. Diapers cost a fortune, and there's food, clothes, toys… we don't even have an apartment or a flat. We live with his parents, for god's sake. All four of us living out of one bedroom. I go to the skate comps, the girls love it. Still talk to Jackson. He's here today. All the rest of my delinquent friends are here, trying their hardest to stay under control and keep from hurting certain other people or ahem harassing the organ lady. ("Quit it Jay, I mean it!")
Married. We're married. It's odd. I like it. This wasn't what I had planned a year ago when my school counselor asked me how I decided I was gonna live my life, but I think it's better. I hate being predictable anyway.
One morning about two years later I find myself sitting on the side of Sid's pool with my legs dangling over the edge, holding Desiree in my lap watching a three year old Isis sitting on the back of Stacy's skateboard hugging his leg ferociously. He's only skating in circles, but to her it's the thrill of her short life. It's so trivial, but it's her whole world. Sid's inner ear problem turned out to be a cancerous brain tumor, none of us would believe it until we saw it. His father drained their pool like Sid had always wanted to and said the boys could skate whenever. Sid was in a wheelchair. Sometimes I find myself asking why. I don't understand how an innocent person can be chosen at random from 10 billion just to be slapped in the face with a life-threatening disease. Sid has never done anything to deserve this fate. He never killed anyone. They told him he might make it to twenty-one.
Desiree wriggles off my lap, running at the newly arrived Jay, who scoops her up. I never expected him to be so good with kids. "Skate wit me, Jay-Jay." She commands like a mini drill sergeant. That was the first word she said, 'skate', mind you. Isis's first word was equally strange. She said 'surf'. Well now we know what they'll likely be doing for the rest of their natural-born lives. Isis has changed positions and now she's sitting in Sid's lap. "Hewwo Silly Squidly. Where you get ouchie?" She asks, poking at the stitches on his head. We didn't have the heart to tell them what was happening. I laugh at her nickname for him. She giggles. "I make funny." Instantly she's forgotten about the stitches.
"Good job, keep going, put your arms out just like that." Jay instructs. That kid has changed so much. He isn't really competing anymore, only surfing maybe a little, getting into fights a bit, (but honestly who doesn't?) in a gang… but around Des and Isis it's like he falls back four years, out of constant seriousness, into that stupid young teenager mode like he used to all the time. Isis is standing sideways on the middle of the board, wobbling with both her short little arms out. She pushes off the pavement with her tiny Converse-clad foot, slowly rolling toward the grass. From my point of view it's weird to see my kids playing with the people I practically grew up with.
Stacy is starting a company. Still hasn't cut the hair, partly because I would never let him anyway. It seems like sometimes he's the only one who keeps me sane. Both my brothers grew personalities and moved on to bigger, better places. Shoe lives in L.A. with his girlfriend and Racecar moved himself, his wife Maggie, and their son Blaise to Hawaii, the lucky bugger, to work as a chef at a fancy hotel in Oahu. Neither skate anymore, but Blaise is a great surfer for a seven year old. My father moved himself to Oregon, I hear he's raising cattle and growing his own weed. And as for me, well I work at Venice Noodle Company, the laundromat, and as a weekend babysitter for the neighborhood. Eventually I want to go to college and start my own independent photography studio. Looking back, had I never fallen for Stacy as a pregnant 16 year old, I wouldn't know the wonderful life I have now.
Society couldn't keep me down; my father couldn't keep me down; nothing can keep me down. I look at myself now, and I know that whatever happens, I'll always be loved. Loved by my friends, loved by my husband, and loved my kids. Maybe one day I'll show up on the cover of a magazine. But who knows how the future will go anyway? You never know what may happen if tomorrow never comes…