❅❄❅ When the Snow Falls ❅❄❅
Please note there are many sensitive things mentioned in this chapter such as emotional and physical abuse, suicidal themes, and just a whole lot of negative content.
Mrs. Braginsky paced back into the room without a sound. Matthew was relieved that she didn't look upset; if Ivan was in a bad condition, she probably wouldn't have looked content. She kneeled down beside Natalya.
"Did he relapse?" She asked.
"Yes, but it wasn't a severe relapse. Though, he is shaken up about it." She looked at Matthew. "I'm sorry for the bad timing, Matthew,"
"You don't have to apologize; I understand how it is," he responded.
She nodded her head. "He wondered if you wanted to leave,"
"Only if he wants me to, but I don't want to leave," Matthew looked down at his hands.
"He'll really like that," she smiled slightly.
Matthew nodded. "I will." He took it as his cue to go to Ivan's room. He picked up his things up and headed to the hall. On the way to his room, he nervously tried thinking of what to say to him first. It probably wasn't the best idea to mention his relapse, but should he ask if he's okay? Ask if he needs anything? Matthew settled with a simple hi and smile.
Inside his room, Ivan sat at the edge of his bed with his back turned to the doorway. His hair was a mess but his scarf was tied neatly around his neck; his attention was towards the window. The snow had started falling heavier than before, Matthew noticed.
When he stepped into the doorway, Ivan became aware he was behind him. He turned his head slowly and glanced at Matthew with cold eyes that lacked his usual friendliness. Matthew felt it hit his heart; Ivan looked like he was ashamed.
He hurriedly set his bag down and took his shoes off. He climbed onto the bed and set Kumajirou aside as he sat by Ivan. He glanced at him for a second before looking back at the snow.
"I hate the snow," Ivan breathed out, almost effortlessly. The look on his face and the tone of his voice made Matthew feel like he was with someone completely different from the Ivan he knew.
But he was the same Ivan, all the way through, and he knew that.
"You do?" If Ivan wanted to talk about snow, then he'll talk about snow. Whatever floated Ivan's boat. "Why?"
"People like it when it's as light as it is now, but then it gets heavy and locks people in their houses. For days sometimes," Matthew tried making some sort of connection to his feelings with his words.
"But before it can get heavy, you can always grab a shovel," Matthew suggested. "Scoop away the snow before it closes you in,"
"What if it's too much for one person?"
"Find someone to help you,"
"What if nobody around wants to help?"
"Then they can go sit on a cactus." Ivan went silent; Matthew thought he might have upset him even more, before he saw he was covering his mouth. He was holding in a laugh. "Sorry," Matthew apologized anyway. At least he was smiling now, sincerely.
Ivan lay back onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling. "So if I have a foot of snow at my door and nobody around to help me, what do I do at that point?"
"I would help you," Matthew answered softly. He felt Ivan shift around some and his hand moving onto his. He happily held his hand, but he noticed something was a little different. He looked down; Ivan's knuckles were wrapped with medical bandages from the beginnings of his fingers to past his knuckles. Matthew's thumb gently stroked the fabric of the binding.
"I punched the wall," Ivan sighed. "The wall's okay, though," Matthew picked up his hand and looked closely at his knuckles.
"How about your hand, though?" I'm more worried about your hand, silly.
"It bled for a minute, but it doesn't hurt…" Matthew brought his hand close to his face and briefly gazed it with his lips. He sensed Ivan shudder momentarily. He waited for Ivan to speak again, but instead he stayed silent. Matthew closed his eyes and pressed a quick kiss onto his pointer and middle finger before setting his hand down onto his lap, still in his. He glanced at Ivan, who appeared calmer and more content then just minutes ago.
"His name was Maksimillian Orell, we were neighbors." Matthew met Ivan's eyes and tried to recognize his state of being at that moment. He always thought he would be nervous about when Ivan would tell him, but now the time has come, and he couldn't say how he felt. Ivan looked completely content, with maybe a little bit of the sadness mixed in from before. "I never know how to start these things off," Ivan breathed. Matthew lay next to him, pulling his legs up so he wasn't hanging them off.
"Tell me the best way you can," Ivan nodded slightly.
"Maks and I were opposites most of our childhood together. He was cruel, I was gentle. He liked to play rough, I didn't. I didn't make other kids want to avoid me at all costs. If any, they enjoyed beating me up instead. Maks did, too, but we were best friends.
"I don't know when it started to get bad, but I guess it was a mess since the beginning. Maks would make me do things, or he would tell me to do things, and I would do them because I didn't want to be friendless. I was, usually, the one blamed of course. Sometimes I wonder if the kid was a figment of my imagination but there's plenty of proof against that. He was real, very real.
"At first, it was just childish harassment, I guess. That's taking it too lightly, because nobody would say damaging my relationship with my family would be anything near childlike. It went far very rapidly and it just kept getting worse, even on a good day for him. He would go from beating the shit out of me to buying a ton of books for me. It wasn't so pleasing, considering how scared I was to do something to make him torture me again. And he wore this awful grin that said "piss me off and I'll tear your limbs off" when he did nice things for me.
"So, 7th grade I think. A kid named Toris moved to our school. He approached me and we became friends, but Maks didn't like it, and he made sure I knew that." A sigh. "He would wait for me to walk by and confront me about plans with him around Toris. Toris never spoke about it himself, and he always looked uncomfortable when Maks was around. I don't know for sure but I think Maks probably pulled him aside and threatened his life if he did. I started to fight back some, which made things worse. Maks started following me, smiling all the time, and I spoke up about it, he made me feel like I was the one doing something wrong.
"I started to feel like he was following me, have nightmares where he would try choking me to death if I didn't do what he wanted. I stopped getting as much sleep, started getting panic attacks, and I began leaving my closet light on during the night. I started to fake sick to get away from him, my relationships with my family declined even more because I was closing myself off, and Toris ended up making new friends that weren't messy like I was. I was happy for him, actually.
"That summer, I spent most of my time locked in my room as usual. Maks visited me like once…" He trailed off. "That was the first time he held a gun to my head." Matthew's eyes nearly gasped. First time?
"He wanted me to steal cigarettes for him for some reason," Ivan sighed again. "And I was caught, but I got away with only being grounded by my parents. They were upset that I would do such a thing, and I would hear them talk about it every night before they confronted me,"
"But… You never told them?"
"Not then, I was afraid for my life." Matthew moved to hold Ivan's wrist in his hands. "I was so stressed out, that I started to drink. Not the best stress relief but it worked, I guess." Matthew sensed that he was shaking now, and he was avoiding eye contact.
He moved his hand up and touched Ivan's cheek. Ivan caught his eyes again and calmed down some. "It's okay," Matthew didn't know what he was assuring Ivan of, but there wasn't anything for him to be worried about other than his own thoughts.
"It is," Ivan pressed his face against Matthew's hand, and they both took a deep breath. "I just don't like remembering that I did regrettable things, because it only gets worse from there,"
Matthew nodded. "You can take a break when you need to,"
"I think I'll continue again,"
"Go ahead," he responded, stroking his thumb across Ivan's cheek soothingly.
"Alright, so I drank all summer mostly. I was stressing about having to go back to school, seeing Maks again… It was bad. But then school started up and suddenly, Maks and his friends accepted me." Matthew gave him a confused look over the plot twist, Ivan snickered. "Weird right? Endless days of worry and drinking just for a sudden change in heart. Yeah, the bullying stopped from there, Maks and I became best friends, and I also became friends with his other friends. And that year, I did even more regrettable things. Drinking, partying, vandalism, fighting… I became a second Maks, and I liked it then." Remorse filled Ivan's eyes.
"First year of high school, first day, I met Yao Wang," Ivan sighed. "I liked Yao, a lot. I wasn't going through the whole "am I gay?" confusion because I thankfully got that done and over with years before or else it might have gone worse for me. So anyway, I liked Yao but Yao didn't like me back,"
"Aww," Matthew frowned.
"It's fine, Yao wasn't the biggest issue, honestly. I was too shy to really tell anyone but Maks and Kat. And well, after that suddenly everyone knew," Matthew frown got even bigger.
"He told everyone?"
"I didn't know until I approached Yao again, and well, he rejected me after I said hi to him. I got the hint that someone had told him and after everyone started paying attention to us, I knew they knew, too. It got to me more that Maks had told than Yao literally running away from me.
"Furious, I got alone with him and confronted him. And… Well…" Ivan sighed again, burying his face into Matthew's hand. "I shouldn't have… I just… He turned everything around and made me believe he told Yao in hopes of 'not losing me to him' and Yao told everyone else. I felt so bad that I told him I had feelings for him, too. I'm so stupid."
Matthew knew Ivan was about to cry, so he pulled him into an embrace. "Ivan, selflessness isn't stupid,"
"I regretted it," Ivan sobbed into his shoulder, his arms reaching up and holding Matthew around his waist.
"That was on his part," Matthew answered. They pulled back to where they were able to look at each other again, but still in the other's arms. Matthew gently rubbed Ivan's arm. "Your intentions were good… Though…"
"I shouldn't date someone out of pity?"
"Right," Ivan stared at Matthew a good while, he took a minute to realize that Ivan was probably thinking Matthew could be doing the same. "Ivan… No, absolutely not. I don't like you because I feel sorry for you. I like you because honestly, you're lovable with your flaws and…" Ivan laughed, Matthew nearly jumped from the sudden reaction.
"I wasn't thinking you were," Ivan took hold of Matthew's hand, their fingers intertwining. "I just… Wanted to hear you say you like me." Nothing could bring Matthew down from the uplifted mood he was suddenly put into.
"Ivan… I…" He laughed, too. "Don't scare me like that," It was about time I say that to him, though.
"I like you, Matthew," He let go of Ivan's hand and wrapped his arms around Ivan's scarfed neck, hugging him tightly. Their checks pressed softly against each other. "No Yao Wang or any other guy can be a better, more understanding boyfriend than you are,"
"Nobody can compare to you, Ivan, not even close," Boyfriend. Ivan had given him the title, Matthew couldn't be happier about it. He was a little sad that he couldn't ask him out properly like he wanted, but here he was, in Ivan's arms. Sweet, wonderful Ivan. Ivan who filled Matthew's thoughts all the time, who he felt so fond of. Ivan, the pretty man with violet eyes and almost-snowy blond hair. They were together, and Matthew felt unlimited amounts of happiness and bliss. But there was something that needed to be taken care of; Ivan never finished the story.
"Do you want to continue or take a break?" He asked. Ivan thought for a second and sat up. Matthew remained laying down by him.
"I think a break would be nice," He responded. "I think mom and Nat would like to know I'm doing fine now."
"Yeah, but Ivan," He tugged on the hem of his sleeve. "Are we going to tell them?"
"That we're together?" Ivan questioned. "If you want to make an announcement. I'm sure they already consider us a couple, though."
"Okay, as long as they know. I don't want to seem like I'm keeping us a secret. Oh, I have to tell my parents then,"
"Want me to be there?"
"I'm sure I can handle it," Ivan leaned over and kissed his cheek.
"Let's go get something to drink and I'll tell you the rest," Matthew nodded and sat up. They walked hand-in-hand to the kitchen.
Mrs. Braginsky was sitting at the kitchen when they entered the room. "Feeling better, Ivan?" his mom asked.
"I am," Her eyes went from Ivan's face, to Matthew's, and down to their hands.
"I see," she stood up. "Can I get you boys anything?"
"Hot chocolate please,"
Ivan and Matthew sat down when Mrs. Braginsky brought them two mugs of hot chocolate. "I kept it warm for you guys, enjoy,"
"Thank you," Matthew took a sip. "It's delicious,"
"Thanks, Matthew. Again, you can treat yourself to as much as you like. I'll be making chicken parmesan for dinner tonight, if that's fine."
"That sounds wonderful, actually." Matthew smiled.
"You don't have to worry about him, he isn't a picky eater. Even if he was, your cooking wouldn't be an issue." Ivan added.
"Well, I'm glad. No pressure right?" Matthew shook his head. "Good, good, Ivan's not allowed to date picky eaters." Ivan nearly spit his hot chocolate out.
"Just kidding," she laughed loudly and pushed the stack of napkins towards her son. "Matthew, I wouldn't mind if you were the pickiest person on Earth or flawed any other way. I trust Ivan's judgment enough."
"Well, I'm happy I'm trusted." He glanced over at Ivan, who had a napkin over his mouth and a red face. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," he removed the napkin, smiling. "Are you finished?" Matthew took the last sip from his mug and set it down.
"I am now," Ivan nodded and picked up his mug, moving to the sink and washing them out. After he returned, he hugged Mrs. Braginsky.
"We'll be going back to my room,"
"That's fine, have fun," She responded, smiling.
Back in Ivan's room, they sat back down on the bed, facing away from the window. They didn't speak a word to each other after leaving the kitchen. Matthew was comfortable with the silence, though. Ivan lay down onto the pillows crowding near his headboard while holding onto Matthew's arm. Matthew sat on his stomach and fixed his messy hair up while they sat there in stillness.
He moved his hands down to his scarf and adjusted it for him. He held one end and stroked his thumb along the fabric.
"Do you wonder why I wear that thing all the time?" he asked, quietly.
"I did, but I kinda thought since it was cold outside and your sister gave it to you, you wore it because of that and maybe you just like scarfs."
"You don't find it odd that I wear it, even to sleep?"
Matthew shrugged. "I wear socks to sleep," he placed the scarf length over the back of his neck and settled down beside Ivan. "Is there another reason why you wear it?"
"Yes," Ivan's arm went around Matthew's waist and his other hand crept to his shoulder and up to his hair. "I was just wondering if you suspected something, it's fine if you did." Matthew nodded. "I'll continue my story then." They shifted around so they could comfortably look at each other. "So, Maks and I. It was only seemingly messy at the beginning of our relationship. He was subtly territorial and clingy all the time, just as he was in the beginning. He would get angry that I spent time with our friends without him, so I had to stop that. He started to not like me talking to them in front of him, too. All I could do was apologize to him, I can't break off my other friendships completely because he didn't like it. So, he broke them off himself, and one-by-one, Maks became the only person I spoke to yet again." Ivan let out the longest sigh, his face dropping to an unhappy expression.
"Matthew, I have to warn you, things get so much worse from this part to the part where I finish. Please bear with me; I really, really hate this part."
"It's okay, Ivan. I'm here for you, it doesn't matter how I'm going to feel about it,"
"No, this is about us now. I'm not going to force you to know certain details if you're uncomfortable. And I'll go into more detail with the things you want to know,"
"I want to know what you're comfortable with telling me,"
"I'll tell you as long as you're comfortable hearing it,"
"Deal," They smiled at each other briefly. Then Ivan continued.
"I forced myself to be happy with him because I thought he needed that. I tolerated his anger and frustration when I tried to communicate with him when he did something wrong, all because I thought I was actually in the wrong myself. It was bad when he did it before, but I started to hate myself even more when I started to believe I was doing something wrong." Oh my God, Matthew felt sick. He tolerated years of emotional abuse without even realizing it, even after the signs were crystal clear.
"I started to depend on him to feel good about myself. I was convinced he was the only person that will tell me, sometimes, that I was worth something. It hurt even more when he went back to guilting me.
"He would always tell me he was the only person who cared about me. And I believed him, and continued to believe him after he punched me for talking to a stranger nicely in public. After he cornered me, demanding I erase my old friends' numbers out of my phone. After he broke my arm when I didn't. And after he threatened to kill Natalya's cat if I didn't skip school with him one day.
"It's okay to wonder why I didn't break it off before it got too bad, even after developing self-esteem issues. I did, I tried, I wanted to end it. I didn't love him. I never did. I hated him, when I was 10 up to today, I hate Maks, but Maks didn't hate me, I think. Maybe he did, but he didn't act like it." Ivan was in tears. "When he said he loved and needed me, he proved it by always being there, watching me, waiting for me, and worse of all, sometimes holding that damn gun up to his own head and sometimes at me."
The tears that Matthew had been trying to hold back couldn't be contained. He cried with Ivan, holding tightly onto his hand and hugging onto him. Ivan clung onto him back, pressing his face onto his chest. Ivan eventually stopped crying and his breathing slowed.
"You have every right to tell me to stop doing something, now and any point of our future." Matthew ran his fingers through his hair. "You have a voice, please use it. I promise I will never do anything to you on purpose but if I do something that makes you even a little uncomfortable, please… Please tell me to stop." Matthew sobbed.
"It's okay, Matthew, really."
"No it's not, I-" Ivan had pressed his lips against Matthew's, shutting him up. He didn't pull back until Matthew relaxed under it, and when he did, Matthew had stopped crying. "I'm sorry, I'm supposed to be the one helping you right now,"
Ivan sat him up and hugged him gently. "It's fine, I appreciate your concerns but I'm not expecting you to make up for what he did to me. You're not perfect, nobody is, but I'll be happy with you, I know it," Matthew leaned in and kissed him lightly. The kiss was less stressful and calmer than the last, and they stayed kissing for a few seconds longer. When they pulled away, they stay close to one another.
"I'll try my best," Matthew whispered.
"I will, too," Ivan answered back quietly. "I have a few last things before I close off this story,"
"Go ahead,"
"First," Ivan took hold of his scarf. "Yes, I wear this scarf because Kat made it for me, and I cherish it and her, and I love scarfs. But–" He slowly undid it. "–there are two other reasons."
Slowly slipping off the scarf, Matthew saw what he felt like Ivan's whole story expressed physically. There were scars, going all different directions, some piled up closely to the others. "Maks made the first one." Ivan pointed to a largely scarred area. "He wrote his name here, but you can't see it anymore."
"Did you… Scratch it out?" Matthew was too overwhelmed to express any emotion in his voice other than surprise. Ivan's scars were heartbreaking.
"I did. I just couldn't leave his name scarred into my neck," Ivan ran his fingers across the scars. "So I scratched it out. That wasn't enough, because the bruises from him strangling me were still present at the time, so I scratched those out, too. I just wanted every sign of Maks gone."
Matthew reached up to touch his neck but stopped midway. "It's okay." He took hold of Matthew's wrists and brought his hands up to his neck. "The other reason is how vulnerable I feel having my neck showing, I feel like someone can easily hurt or attack me."
He trusts me. Matthew lightly ran his fingers across his scars. He has every reason to be scared of trusting someone, his family, too. He has every reason to say he needs to wait to get to know me and yet, he's letting me know every last detail of his lowest points.
"Tell me the rest, Ivan," Matthew moved his hands down to his shoulders and to his arms. "How did you get so strong?"
"I'm not strong, Matthew,"
"It takes a lot of strength to even consider trusting someone after something like that."
"I don't need to have any strength to trust you, Matthew. Just common sense," Matthew stopped himself from tearing up. "But I'll tell you the rest of the story now. No interruptions this time," Matthew nodded and put his hands on Ivan's.
"The last time I saw Maks was at a cafe. We got into a fight, again, about me having my own space. I was getting sick of it; my willpower to go on with it had dropped. I was with him for a year and a half, so I had taken plenty of mad abuse during that time period. I excused myself to the bathroom and I called Kat to come pick me up and bring me because I knew things were probably going to get bad and I didn't want to deal with it. I probably should have, though. And I probably should have told her what was going on at this point. Nobody but I knew what was going on between Maks and I.
"I snuck out of the window and she picked me up. And on the way back, I don't exactly remember what I was doing in the car but we got into a wreck. I hurt my head and was knocked out cold apparently, and Kat was hurt even worse; cuts everywhere and she was paralyzed."
"So that's what happened to her." Matthew thought out loud. Ivan nodded.
"The hospital was agonizing. I was confused, my parents were worried about both of us, I blamed myself for Kat's crash, of course. But then, since my dad had hold of my phone, he happened to notice the many text messages coming through and decided to check them. All kinds of angry, sometimes containing death threats, messages from Maks. My dad approached me about it, and I didn't deny it finally. So, the police were called and my parents announced we were moving. We had to, as soon as possible. All contact with Maks was broken off and we don't know what kind of punishment he received but I haven't heard from him or seen him yet.
"So we moved here, eventually Kat got out of the hospital's care. They were considering, at the time, putting me into therapy, but once they found me in bed with a razor, cuts all over my neck and blood staining the pillow, they decided immediately. And that concludes the Maks story, and starts the Francis story, a happier one." Matthew lightened up.
"Francis and I met in group therapy, as you know. It was less scary because of him, honestly, and Francis probably helped me out more than the actual therapy. He helped me out of most of my social pits and guided me through a lot of my recovery. And then I met you." Ivan pulled him close and hugged him. "I might have relapsed today but I know I'm going to be okay."
"I have faith in you, Ivan," Mathew pressed a kiss onto his cheek as they continued to hug.
"Thank you, Matthew, for listening to me. This went better than I expected."
"You're welcome, Ivan." They kissed again, which Matthew decided to call their first 'romantic kiss that wasn't for comfort,' he even felt Ivan smiling in between their contact.
There you have it folks, the longest chapter to ever come from me. I tried to tell myself I should finish this before next year, but I feel like there's a lot more that's going to happen so there wouldn't be an ending anytime soon.
I also planned to go on an update hiatus and work on my other things during that time without my set update deadlines but I guess this will start after I finish up this fic instead. Yes, it will have a happy ending.