Chapter 4

It'd been over a month since Will's shooting, and almost as long since she'd opened Rick's letter of apology. It still sat on her nightstand, tucked into its envelope, dropped there on the night she'd first read it, but it was coated now in a light sprinkle of dust that glistened when the light hit it just right. Kate still remembered its words as though it were delivered to her just yesterday. They played across her mind now and again in rare moments of stillness; but despite any acknowledged measure of want on her part to open the door to him again, the actual key that fit that lock remained elusive. And though she hated to admit it to herself because of what it affirmed about her current emotional state, Will and all the time she'd spent with him of late had provided her a satisfying distraction, one that she was most thankful for.

She truly did care for Will, regardless of how their relationship came to an end and in spite of their time apart, absent any contact. He was a good man and they were good together when they were good together, but their timing was off. And Kate knew their timing was still off – because of the shooting, because of work, because of her head and her heart and Rick. Rick was always in the room with her now, like some invisible force that refused to be driven away despite her most vigorous efforts. She spent so many of her minutes and hours now wondering how the hell that was, how the hell that happened.

Kate rolled over onto her side and pulled the rumpled sheet up under her bare arm. She could hear the gentle clank of ceramic and metal from the other room - the unmistakable sounds of morning coffee - but in that moment a part of her wished the sounds would just disappear. She understood their reality. She knew what they meant. She never intended it to go that far, to find its way to her bed, to get so far out of her control. But it had, and as her weary eyes landed on the envelope just out of her reach, she had to fight not to scream at the world. At herself.

Will made several attempts from the bedroom doorway to win Kate's attention but each failed in its effort. It wasn't until he came to stand before her beside the bed that she even knew he'd returned. The curve of her body unwittingly offered him a pocket to sink into and he took hasty advantage, one hand around the grip of a mug and the other atop the arc of her loosely covered hip. "Hey, beautiful," he said with a tickle of his fingertip at the sheet. "Where are you this morning?" She could hear it so clearly. It wasn't concern in his voice as much as it was hope that she might be lost in the same utopia he'd evidently awoken in.

Kate blinked hard out of her fog and angled to face him with as much welcome surprise as she could will herself to portray. "For me?" she asked in deflection about the coffee when her smile began to feel more contrived to her than candid.

"For you," he affirmed as he reached to set it on the table next to the bed. He leaned in and kissed her lips softly before resetting into place against her. "That's one crazy machine you have in there, so I'm sorry if it's not what you're used to. Hopefully I get points for trying, at least."

Will's air of pure comfort and calm vexed her, not because she begrudged him such contentment, but because her insides were swirling like a savage storm had hit and his stillness inspired such an overwhelming envy. "Yeah, we, uh, we got a new one at work and-" She stopped mid-sentence as though the remainder of her words had simply vanished. Even the mention of a damn coffee machine made her think of Rick. "I'm sure it's fine, thanks," she finally managed, reaching for the mug and sipping the steaming liquid cautiously. Her body lurched forward as she swallowed and she quickly set the mug back down. "Oh, that's-"

"Very hot, Kate," Will chimed in with a snicker.

She looked up at him as she slid her tongue back and forth along the roof of her mouth. "Not so much hot as unbefitting the name: coffee. So, somehow you can take down dangerous perps with one hand tied behind your back but you can't woo a simple coffee machine into submission, is that it?"

Will grabbed her arm playfully and rolled her so he could kneel and straddle her waist. Nearly his entire body was on display before her and hers couldn't help but react. His scar from the shooting drew her eye, and she swallowed a pang of guilt as a chaser to the awful sample of coffee. "Simple? That machine has more buttons than the freakin' space shuttle," he protested, his hands pinning her wrists against the mattress above her head.

Kate resisted against his hold but chided herself silently for the less than convincing effort. "Come on, spaceman," she teased, forcing him back with a rush of energy born of a sudden need of space, "we're going out so you can buy me a proper cup of coffee."

"Bet they don't have these kinds of problems up there," he huffed jokingly before freeing her from his grip.

Kate flashed a smile, but there was little behind it. How had it gone that far?

xxxx

Alexis poked at her plateful of chocolate chip pancakes with her fork as Rick looked on from across the table. She'd barely touched them since their favorite waitress had set them down in front of her nearly fifteen minutes before, and that was anything but the norm. It was his daughter's favorite weekend breakfast spot and she always ordered and devoured the very same fluffy stack of pancakes with a satiated smile. That Saturday morning, though, according to what Martha had told Rick earlier, was a very different kind of Saturday morning.

"This is the longest I've ever seen food on your plate at this place," he said jokingly. "I think the staff is starting to get nervous." He waited a moment or two before he pushed. "Hey, maybe I can help if you tell me what's wrong."

Alexis set her fork down and looked up, a single tear dropping from her cheek onto the edge of her plate below. "It's stupid," she told him as she wiped her eye dry. "I don't even know why-"

"Sweetie," Rick interrupted, "it's not stupid if it's upsetting you. And even if it is, there are plenty of people who'll tell you stupid is one of my specialties." She smiled gently and he did likewise. "Come on, take a bite of the gooey deliciousness and let's hear it." They'd always been close, certainly more so than other fathers and daughters he knew, and that was an immense source of pride for him. He'd been playing the role of both parents for a long time, and though Alexis assured him she wasn't terribly affected by the absence of her mother, he knew it couldn't be easy to be a girl of her age without such an important figure around on days like that.

Alexis finally swallowed down a forkful of her pancakes and Rick could instantly see a change in her face. How enviable it was, he thought as he watched her, that the problems of the young could be so easily soothed by the simplest of distractions. "I asked Nolan to the Spring Formal yesterday but he told me Amelia had already asked him." She jabbed her fork forcefully into another stack and chewed it deliberately until it was gone.

"Ah," Rick hummed knowingly, not revealing how much he already knew. "I assume this is the Nolan you've been talking so much about lately? The one with the hair and the freckles and the smile?" He knew this time would come eventually, but deep inside he wasn't entirely ready for it. "Okay, so there have to be other dances or events you could ask him to, right? You guys have stuff going on at that school all the time."

"And then I found out from Missy that Amelia hadn't asked him yet, but he was hoping she would so he lied," Alexis continued through shaky voice. "I told you it was stupid. I was stupid. I should've known."

Rick reached across the table and touched her arm. "Hey, that's my kid you're talking about, and she's the furthest thing from stupid." He tapped softly at her wrist for her attention. "Look at me, Alexis." Her eyes were wet again and he slid an extra napkin her way. "I know I may be biased, here, but you're a beautiful, intelligent, funny, sweet girl and there are going to be plenty of other Nolans in your future." Alexis squinted her eyes in silent disapproval. "Okay, well, no, not Nolans because he's clearly a jerk," he sputtered. "I meant kind, honest, chivalrous boys who will be worthy of all that you are."

Alexis giggled and dabbed her eyes with the napkin. "How many times have you been in love, Dad?" she asked after a moment, but his focus had shifted elsewhere and it appeared he hadn't heard a word. "Dad?" she tried a second time but, again, he offered no reaction. She twisted on her cushion to try and get a glimpse at what had transfixed him, and there, just inside the front door, she spotted Kate with a man she didn't recognize, but who, given that his hands were perched along her hips, clearly knew Kate very well. Alexis turned back to Rick who had since broken his eye lock on the pair. "Who's that with Detective Beckett?"

Rick glanced their direction once again as they were shown to a table nearby. In that moment he knew for certain, as he swallowed down the knot of nerves that'd crept up into his throat, he'd been in love at least once.