Chapter 5

Kate didn't notice Rick seated just a few tables over from theirs until she pulled back one of the chairs to sit. Despite the popular weekend breakfast hour, there were still a few empty booths free along the room's perimeter, yet somehow she and Will had ended up at a table in the middle of the room, one that afforded her an uncomfortably direct view of the person she somehow wanted both most and least to see. She simply couldn't fathom the odds or the luck – good or bad – that Rick would be eating in the very restaurant she'd chosen that morning, and suddenly the notion of some greater something at work in her life didn't seem as fantastical to her as it had a moment before.

Kate's pulse quickened and her mouth went dry almost in an instant, and as much as she wanted to she couldn't make herself look away. It was there, too, just as she'd left it weeks before; Rick still carried the somber air born of her dismissal in the hospital's stairwell and it kicked her in the gut all over again. As she sat there, she couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking, though she wasn't even sure he'd seen her yet, his eyes cast solemnly downward at something or another. The uncertainty didn't lessen the effect of his presence on her, though, as she ordered herself silently to blink. Thousands of restaurants, she thought as she finally managed to divert her gaze and take a breath, and then all at once the weight of the previous night with Will began to feel like a mountain upon her shoulders.

"One large industrial strength coffee, coming up," Will said with a grin as he flipped the menu to peruse the restaurant's breakfast offerings. "And if you're lucky, I might toss in some pancakes." He looked up at Kate and smiled a wink. "I remember how much you used to love weekend pancake breakfasts in bed."

"Will," Kate exhaled, but nothing else came. Her eyes felt an urge to wander the room but she fought it back and managed to refocus. "I'm not really in the mood for pancakes," she told him with an unintended bite. "But, I, uh, I'll let you buy me an omelet instead," she followed with an artificial grin. She heard the sound of her own voice and felt like a swindler in some late-night infomercial, peddling a product that wasn't at all as advertised. She knew their previous night together was a mistake, knew she'd never let it happen again, and yet there she was, letting him buy her morning-after eggs while she sat there smiling phonily and thinking about someone else.

"Have I told you how gorgeous you look in the morning?" Will said into the silence between them. Kate tucked a piece of hair back behind her ear and bit anxiously at the corner of her lip. "Look, Kate, I don't know what-"

"I can't do this," Kate broke in before he could finish his thought. "I shouldn't have done this," she went on. "Will, it's not…" Her words trailed off as she noticed Alexis slide out of her seat and stand to put on her coat. She turned to Kate and raised her hand to wave and Kate subtly returned the gesture, more instinctively than consciously.

Will swung his head around curiously just as Rick was climbing from the booth. Each of them spotted the other and nodded in acknowledgement. "I heard he liked them young," he joked spinning back around to Kate.

"Jesus, that's his daughter, Will," Kate hissed, seemingly catching none of his intended tone.

"It was a joke, Kate," he said with a chuckle. "Man, you really do need some coffee." As he scanned the room for a nearby waitress, Kate watched as Rick followed Alexis towards the front door without even a glance in her direction. On that morning, in that restaurant - she simply couldn't fathom the odds.

xxxx

The grass was still damp from the previous day's relentless rain and Kate's black leather boots were flecked with loose blades of green grass. She didn't visit as often as she should or as often as she'd like, but the chained ring that hung around her neck, close to her heart, meant her mother was always with her, and Kate drew tremendous comfort from that. Not a day went by without a memory, rarely a night without a dream, and as she walked the short, unmarked path from the cemetery road to her mother's headstone, the sound of Rick's words echoed in her mind like thunder through a canyon: It's about your mother.

Kate owed so much of who she was to her mother; even the hell of surviving her death made her a stronger person. But the line between cop and daughter had become so blurred in her early years with the force, and the only way she found to remain as close to whole as she could possibly pretend to be was to build up walls around her. She had to stop running into the darkness after shadows and try to find some light, and for many years that light had been the justice brought about through her work, the closure she provided to so many who, like her, had been tragically left behind. Only now, during these weeks away from him, did Kate truly realize how much light Rick carried with him and how desperately she missed that light around her.

Kate pulled her arms from her jacket, spread it out along the grass, and sat with her mother in the soft grey of the afternoon. She'd sent Will home after breakfast, and with a hug promised she'd call later. She would call, she would, but the things she had to prepare herself to say wouldn't be easy and she felt so selfish. She'd taken what she'd needed from him, but at what expense? Will was someone she cared deeply about and this was how she'd treated him. She felt so terribly selfish.

She leaned forward and brushed a pink flower petal from the stone and looked up at the dates carved below her mother's name. It was always one of the most difficult things about her visits; all the experiences and years her mother would never live, that she was robbed of so savagely, made Kate's heart physically ache. Her eyes began to fill with tears, but she blinked them away. If she allowed them to fall, she knew how difficult it would be to make them stop. Her mother had always been her touchstone, her North Star to point her in the right direction, and as lost and confused as Kate felt, she needed guidance now more than ever.

Kate opened her eyes suddenly to the sound of a distant voice, having not even realized she'd drifted to sleep at some point. She remembered lying on her back a moment before with one hand on her mother's stone and the clouded sky above, her thoughts like paths in a maze, circling and crisscrossing in a frustrating jumble without a clear end, but she looked down now at her father's watch around her wrist and nearly two hours had passed. She looked over her shoulder as the same voice called out again but she saw no one. As she stood slowly, her muscles stiff from the unforgiving ground, and bent to retrieve her jacket, she noticed something coming towards her: a dog running free with its leash dragging on the ground behind it.

"Well, hey there," Kate said, greeting the Golden Retriever as though it might answer back. The voice she'd been hearing was closer now, and she could only assume it was that of the dog's owner calling out for its return. "Sounds like someone's looking for you," she told the tagless canine who now sat perched at her side. "Over here!" Kate hollered into the otherwise peaceful cemetery around them. She raised her hand and waved when the woman finally came into view, and she grabbed the dog's leash to head for the road.

"Gosh," said the breathless woman who'd clearly been jogging at the very least, "thank you so much for catching him. I've been chasing him all over this place."

Kate handed the woman the end of the leash and reached down to rub the dog between the ears. "Well, to be fair, there wasn't much catching involved. He just came running over and sat right down. Didn't you?" she asked the dog, who looked up at her as if to agree. "He's a beautiful boy."

"Oh, don't let the good looks fool you. Ricky, here, is a rascal if there ever was one," the woman chuckled. "I adopted him a couple of months ago and, well, let's just say he's still learning how to take direction. He's as loyal as they come, but listening isn't his strong suit."

Kate had to remind herself to breathe when she heard it. "His-his name is Ricky?" Twice in one day she'd been left in disbelief.

"Yeah, well, I know it's not very creative, but I lost someone close to me recently and I really wanted to keep his memory alive in my life, so…"

Kate looked back over her shoulder towards her mother. "I can understand the feeling," she replied reverently. "I'm Kate, by the way."

"Gosh, I'm so sorry. This one has me all flustered today," the woman said, giving Ricky's head a rub. "I'm Lexi – well, Alexis, actually. It's nice to meet you, Kate."

Kate wished she had something beneath her to catch her near fall. "You too, Alexis." Her day had become a relentless barrage of coincidence that she couldn't even begin to explain.

"Well, thanks again, Kate. We need to get going now, but Ricky, here, hopes that if you ever need help, someone just as kind and willing as you are is there to offer it. Come on, buddy, let's go."

Kate watched the two wander off together down the road before she returned for a few final moments with her mother. "Did you do this?" she asked only somewhat in jest. "I remember you being much more subtle than this, Mom." A gentle breeze kissed her cheek as she pressed her lips against the top of the stone in farewell, and in it floated her mother's words: Always fight, Katie. If you want something, know it's possible and make it happen. The trouble with never is that it's too easy a word to say and too easy a notion to believe in, but easy isn't always right and easy isn't always best.

She'd never heard those words so clearly.

xxxx

Kate knocked twice at the door and took a step back. Her heart was in her mouth as she waited for the door to open, having shown up unannounced, uninvited, and, more than that, quite possibly unwelcome, the last of which would crush her though she'd certainly understand. When no one answered, she did her best to clear the lump from her throat and she knocked again, believing she'd heard sounds coming from the loft when she'd arrived – ever the cop.

She caught her lips mouthing silent words of hope just as the door swung upon before her, and she halted them with a quick bite at the soft of her inner cheek. She couldn't decide whether or not she was relieved to see Martha or more on edge than she'd been seconds ago when she didn't know who might answer. But it wasn't Rick, and now she'd have to hope all over again that he was somewhere inside.

"Katherine, hello, dear," Martha said with audible surprise. "How lovely it is to see you again."

"Thank you, Martha, you too," Kate replied, wondering how lovely it could actually be given how she'd left things with her son.

"Come in, come in, darling. I was just putting on some water for tea."

Kate stepped inside, her hand gripped in Martha's, and she felt herself flinch ever so slightly when the door clicked shut behind her. What happened next could be one of the best or one of the worst evenings of her life, and she wasn't sure how prepared she was for either. She'd ended up at his door because of a stranger and a dog and a breakfast joint, and none of those things, either separately or in their entirety, made much sense at all. But there was her mother, and for whatever reason, on that day, she couldn't help but believe her mother had a hand in all of it. That was a new feeling and one she felt thoroughly compelled to listen to.

"Would you care for a cup of tea, Katherine?" Martha asked, fluttering off towards the kitchen.

Kate hadn't moved from where she stood just inside the loft door. "Um, no, Martha, I-" she began before she heard his voice from across the room.

"Mother, was someone at the-" Rick stopped moving just outside his office the instant he saw her. "Door," he said, completing the question he now already knew the answer to. His brain could barely form thoughts or words and it was written all over his face. Kate took a step further inside and watched breathlessly as he tried to process the surprise of seeing her there. "Kate," he uttered after a long moment and in a tone she'd longed so desperately to hear.

"Well, I'll just leave the two of you alone to talk," Martha chimed in cheerfully, abandoning the tea kettle for the staircase. "I hope I'll be seeing you again very soon, Katherine."

"You too, Martha," Kate answered, her eyes still focused on Rick who'd already begun his slow approach. "Hi," she said like a nervous schoolgirl to a crush once he made his way to her. How simple a word, yet how difficult she found it was for her to say.

"Is everything okay?" Rick asked, as though nothing at all had happened between them, as though all that mattered was that very minute. "Do you want to come and sit?"

Kate nodded gently and followed him to the couch, each propped against a pillow in its corners and with what felt like a world between them. "Castle," she said, her hands in fists in her lap, "I've been thinking a lot about the way we left things – the way I left things – between us and I just…"

"Are you with him again? With Will?" Rick interjected because he absolutely couldn't hold it in another second. "You were there this morning. I saw you and it seemed like-"

She still had to call Will. She still had to think about what to say to Will. "I'm not with him," Kate said with sincere conviction, though, as things stood now, she knew Will would surely believe quite differently. "And I saw you, too, Castle," she continued for whatever it was worth.

Rick dropped his eyelids shut for several seconds in silent relief. "Kate, I want you to know – I need you to know – how very sorry I am for what I did and for that day in the hospital. I had no right to interfere and I never, ever, meant or wanted to hurt you. I would never."

"I still have your note." Kate drew a finger nervously over a dark spot in the denim of her jeans. "I wanted to…I don't let people in easily, Castle." One thought didn't connect to the other, but the words just came out. "I'm the one who's sorry, Rick. These past few weeks have been really hard," she said, swallowing down the lump in her throat, "and not having you around every day…" She had to just shake her head because she didn't have enough composure for the rest.

"Well, as the song says, I'm a hard habit to break," Rick teased in rescue, as he so often did – as she so often needed. Kate looked up at him with a smile, the first truly genuine smile she could remember in such a long time. "Such a hard habit to break," he sang to her amused chuckle. He had no idea just how fitting the song actually was. Someday she hoped he would. Someday.

"Castle," she said, her smile giving way to the gravity of her thought, "will you help me?" She'd never asked before. In all the years since, it'd been her fight alone. But he was there now, the one she'd waited for without even realizing she'd been waiting.

"With anything, always," he responded without hesitation, without any of that day, without any of the weeks lost.

"It's about my mother," she said.