Closing herself in the bathroom, Mara began the tedious process of bathing in the new age.
It was amazing what the able-bodied took for granted. She had to turn the water to the perfect temperature, turn the shower head to the least powerful setting. Just taking her clothes off was a process. She could try to save herself pain and move slowly, or she could suck it up and get it over with, like ripping off a band-aid. This time, she just ripped off the band-aid, taking the clothes off as quickly as she could move, forcing herself not to shout.
It would only get worse.
Directing the spray away from her, she stepped into the stall, gritting her teeth as she moved the water to flow over her. Even at the proper temperature, the shock of the water even touching that raw, damaged skin that seemed to be nothing but exposed nerve endings made her yelp before she was under control.
She washed herself quickly but as carefully as she could, using Duke's soap and shampoo and conditioner, letting the smell of Duke float around her and bolster her strength. He wouldn't expect her to scream or cry over something as silly as water. He'd expect a smirk, a clenched jaw and no real complaints. Maybe a joke about the amount of hair products he had. He really did have rather a lot.
If she wasn't strong enough to bathe, she wasn't strong enough to save Duke and Audrey. And damn it, she absolutely had to be strong enough. She was all they had. Even if they didn't know it, they were depending on her. Fully rinsed, she shut the water off, the chill of the air outside causing gooseflesh that felt like glass shards on her body. She held in the shout, but groaned loudly, patting at her body with a soft towel.
William had laughingly told her once that she was all hard, sharp edges, that there was nothing soft about her, considering how feminine she was. He had called her an oxymoron. Almost humorous that now so much of her life focused on soft. She wondered what William would think of that.
She brushed her teeth, staring dispassionately at her body in the mirror. Pleasing size and shape. Pretty face. If not for the demented patchwork of burns on her skin, she'd be quite lovely.
But that was a body-sized if.
She left her toothbrush next to Duke's, drying her hair with a towel. When she'd thought she'd be alone for the night, she'd planned on just staying nude. She hadn't had that luxury when she was hitchhiking 24 hours a day.
But Nathan was scared and alone. Nathan was hurting. Duke wouldn't turn him away. He never turned him away. So if a little discomfort was the price to pay to let the man sleep in peace? She would pay it with a smile.
Because that's what Duke would have done.
She stepped into the silky panties and pulled Duke's shirt over her head, adjusting the seam so it rested on a better spot. So many, many things people didn't think of. She combed her hair as quickly as possible and left the bathroom, going back to the bedroom to put her things away and taking two more pills. Nathan was already in the bed, and the poor man was blushing. The shirt fell almost to her knees, easily longer than some of Lexie's skirts. His modesty was almost cute.
She pulled the blankets back and climbed into her own side, turning off the lamp and setting a single orb like a candle to float around the room. She settled back carefully, pulling the blankets to lay over her. She lay very still, not wanting to move.
"How do you feel, Nathan?"
"Huh?"
"How do you feel? Are you okay, what are you thinking- you know. Everything."
"I was just thinking."
"Wanna share with the class?"
"I was an idiot. About everything."
"No, Nathan, she fooled everyone. Even me, and I knew her."
"I don't even mean Charlotte. Though there's that, too."
"Let's not say her name, huh? Not here. This place shouldn't be tainted. But what do you mean?"
"Sorry, I'll remember that. What I meant was you and Duke, really. I was so set on seeing the worst in you because you scared me."
"I know I did, and I'm not mad. I pushed you away because I was hurt. I was scared. I couldn't- logically, I knew that I was a stranger to you, but I'd been here the whole time, knowing you all and loving you, and I thought when I got control that you'd want to know me, to help me. My expectations weren't fair and I know that, but my heart and brain don't connect any more than yours. You were thinking like humans, looking for simple answers. Make Mara go away, get Audrey back. That's not your fault, it's your nature."
"Can I ask a question?"
"Anything. I'm tired of lies between everyone. A little trust on any of our parts would have changed everything. I won't lie."
"Duke tried to talk me into asking you if you could help Audrey when she got sick. He tried several times. If I had asked you, could you have healed her? Would you have?"
Mara considered the question carefully. "Yes, I could have. And I don't want you to feel bad about this, but I would have done it, too. I just wanted you to ask. Not even just to be petty- I knew if I just offered out of the blue, you wouldn't trust me. You'd have thought I was trying to hurt her. Like I said, a little trust on either of our parts would have changed a lot. Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure. Anything."
"When I got control, if I had actually just sat still and talked to you, do you think you would have listened to me?"
He was quiet, really thinking about it, and that made her feel good. He was trying to be as honest with her as she was being with him. "I think I would have tried not to at first. I was afraid of losing Audrey, and if I listened to you, if I believed you or liked you, that would have made everything more complicated. But after actually talking to you today, I think I would have come around. I would still have tried to get Audrey back, but maybe working together we could have figured out how to get you each into separate bodies."
They were quiet for a minute, but she wasn't uncomfortable. It was strange, but they were both suffering and they were truly the only ones who understood each other. Nobody else knew or remembered things the way they did. Camaraderie borne of war, of having lost too much. It was the closest kind of bond, yet by far the worst. That they shared their terrors, it made them dependent on each other in a way that could easily turn unhealthy. Nathan finally broke the silence.
"You mentioned your outsides matching your insides. What did you mean?"
"Mm. I'm a damaged individual. All the fighting, all the punishment, the attempts to do good things that got twisted- it hurt. It was like washing my soul with bleach and steel wool. After awhile, that kind of emotional pain leaves scars. So now my body, it's scarred and ugly and painful- it matches what I feel internally. Deformed and hideous, afraid of the light. Lexie would say it's karma."
"You sound like you believe you deserve this."
"Because I do. I deserve it. But you and Audrey and... Duke... you don't deserve to suffer. It should just be me. This whole war started because of me. I'm angry that you guys are paying for it. But I'm going to fix that. As much as I can, anyway. I can't bring Vince or Dave back. But I won't let Audrey and Duke go. If the universe wants to punish me more for that, fine. But the Gods are gone, or they've turned their backs, so I'm not going to worry about their rules."
"But you don't deserve this. We had our issues, but most of them were caused by fear and lack of communication. You don't deserve to be hurting."
"That's kind of you to say. But she was my mother, Nathan, and she despised me so much that this entire town had to suffer the fallout. You're suffering because she made it so we'd lose everyone I cared about- and you happened to care about the same people. Even with my mother gone, I'm still causing you pain."
"How long do you think it will take to fix Audrey?"
"I think we should start in the morning. My way should work immediately. There's only one, short term personality to break through. Our genetic ability matches, I have Aether and I'm going to use it to bring her up. One way or another, Audrey is coming home tomorrow."
His next question was a small, pained whisper. "And Duke?"
Mara moved her hand to her belly, feeling the dancing limbs. She wondered if the baby ever slept, it seemed that the motion was constant.
"I have to do more to get Duke. Send an orb to make sure his spirit is still nearby and where, and depending on that answer, either try to rebuild his body or go to where he is and get him."
She reached under her pillow, digging an orb from the pouch. She pleaded silently for it to find Duke and report back to her, reminding it repeatedly that time was of the essence. When she was sure it understood, she activated it and sent it off searching. She settled back into the pillows and tried to find the least painful position to lie in.
They were silent for so long that Mara actually started dozing a little. She was miles beyond surprised when Nathan's hand found hers, his fingers wrapping up with her own. He just stayed there like that, silently holding her hand. "Thank you" she whispered to him.
"Thank you, too. I was so lonely, I missed having someone to talk to. Thank you for coming back, for wanting to help and for listening."
"There's nowhere else I want to be. I just want Duke here, too."
"If I can help, please let me. I want to. I miss him too."
"I'll let you know if you can help. I promise."
"Thanks for letting me stay here. And for fixing the tattoo."
"It's what Duke would have done. I was happy to help."
"When you bring him back, I'm going to be a better friend. I'll never make the same mistakes again."
"I believe in you, Nathan. You're safe here."
As the silence deepend, Mara fell asleep, her hand still wound up with Nathan's.