Crystal blue eyes gazed into Mara's violet eyes. "Oh my god. Mara? What happened? How did you let me out? Oh god, how did I get- they overwrote me and sent me back? Why? What was the point of going into the Barn?"
"Parker?" Nathan looked like he was barely hanging on, terrified and hopeful and sad and on edge.
"Nathan!" Audrey threw herself into his lap, kissing him with her arms tight around his neck.
Mara sighed in relief and leaned back carefully, stroking her fingers through James's hair. If she had to lose her son, Audrey was the person she was willing to lose him to. He would be safe and adored, he would have a full life with his mother and father. Audrey would have time to adjust and learn how to talk to children about things other than serial killers, and maybe, if Audrey could ever forgive her, Mara could be a part of their life.
James smiled at Mara, a beaming, drooly baby grin, and she smiled back happily. Her baby rolled in her belly, bumping James's leg, and his eyes went comically wide. "Ba?"
Mara giggled. He was gifted. "Yep, that's a baby. Look how smart you are already. You're going to keep your mommy and daddy on their toes, aren't you?" James grinned again at her compliment and adoring tone of voice, and she tickled his belly, making him laugh.
She didn't notice Audrey and Nathan staring at her for several minutes, and when she looked up, she blushed. "I- Sorry? I was just trying to keep him entertained for you. You- you can take him back if you don't want me holding him." Their silence made her stomach twist. Maybe Audrey still hated her. Mara sat straight again, the smile fading from her face. She glanced away from everyone. "I'm sorry, Audrey. I'm sorry I was cruel and petty and I'm sorry I was too late for everyone."
The lump in her throat was too big, and she stood quickly- peeling off the band-aid- and passed James into Audrey's lap, Nathan's arms grabbing him securely as Mara turned and fled for the bedroom, closing the door behind her.
She sat on the edge of the bed, pulling Duke's pillow into her arms to cry into.
Of course Audrey hated her. She'd hated her before, and look what had happened since then- because she had gotten stupid, because she had been lazy and slow, taking the time to learn how to walk properly and hide her body, Audrey had gotten caged and they had lost Duke, Dave and Vince. Audrey should hate Mara. Mara certainly hated herself.
She should have found a faster way back. She could have figured it out. Even without a ring, she could have found a wheelchair and rolled her ruined carcass through the Void. She had worried about the difference in Void-time, that it would make more time pass on this world than just traveling overland, but she'd been too late anyway. Had she really been hiding out because she was learning to walk, or was she just so damned vain that she couldn't handle the thought of being seen in public?
Had the people she loved been forced to watch Duke die because she was that narcissistic? Had Nathan been forced to kill his best friend, had he gone without sleep and suffered those nightmares because of her vanity?
She cried silently into the pillow, wishing Duke was here to explain everything for her. She finally had made peace with Nathan, even slept next to him, holding his hand. She wondered if Nathan would pull back from her now, with Audrey hating her.
There was a knock at the door- probably Nathan making sure he hadn't left anything behind- and Mara pulled away from the pillow long enough to croak, "It's open" before hiding her face again. A weight settled next to her, and then a hand stroked her hair. Not Nathan's long fingers. Audrey, then.
"Why did you run, Mara? You looked so happy, you were playing. What happened?"
She pulled the pillow from her face but kept her arms around it. "I saw you guys staring at me. Just staring. And I remembered that you hated me. That even though you were yourself again, it didn't negate the damage. That you never would have gone into the Barn in the first place, that Dave would be alive, that you wouldn't have had to see-" Her voice cut off, choking on Duke's name. "Because of my mother, and because I was stupid and slow."
"None of that is true, Mara."
"Why would I lie?"
"I didn't say you were lying. You can't see the situation clearly because you're too close. First off, you're not responsible for the things Charlotte did. I was here, I agreed to help rebuild the Barn and I went in willingly. That's not your fault. Duke chose too. He begged Nathan to kill him, Mara. He was tired of being a pawn and he didn't want to be used to hurt people. But can I ask you a question?"
"You can ask as many questions as you want. I told Nathan, I won't lie. I'm tired of lies. If any of us had been honest, so much would have been different for everyone."
"Obviously the story you told Paige was... creative truth-telling, and I understood most of it, but how did you really get hurt? Are you in a lot of pain?"
Mara was curious when she looked at Audrey. She honestly didn't appear to be angry or distrustful. Mara set the pillow back in it's spot. No lies.
"Yes, I'm in pain. When she said she was combining us, it was a lie. A smokescreen. She injected me with something, maybe a tranquilizer or paralytic, I don't know. But she dispersed me. Made my cells separate so I would be invisible as my body was pulled through the atmosphere to her lab in Mexico. The process isn't meant to be used on living things. It burns living flesh. Because I'm more Aether than person, and because of the baby, it didn't kill me. It burned all the living flesh. When I came to, my entire body was destroyed."
She held her hand palm up, creating a fully rendered 3-d hologram of herself from the Aether's view. It looked nothing at all like her. This creature was black and red, shaped like a girl, but curled into a fetal position. The long, curly cinnamon hair made her look more macabre. The hologram twitched and drug itself along the floor in fits and jerks, wailing like nails on a chalkboard.
Audrey covered her mouth, gagging as tears rolled down her face. Mara grimaced and banished the image. "There was a small box of Aether that she must have been using in her tests. I used all of it, and I managed to heal my face, hands and feet. I sped up the healing on the rest of my body, but it took around six weeks to re-learn how to walk. I found an open Thinny and collected as much Aether as I could carry with me. I used so much to try and heal myself, hundreds of orbs. But they stopped working, and when my body wouldn't use them, I made them dormant again. Nothing has changed since then.
"What's funny is that when I was put back together, it followed the original coding from my DNA. My mother changed me about 100 years into the Barn, made me bigger, changed my bone structure a little. This size and shape, this hair? This is what I looked like originally, when I went into the Barn. So I can't really be touched, but I got my body back. Acid was the only thing I could think of to explain this to Paige."
"I'm so sorry. We didn't even consider that you might still be alive, or if you were that you weren't inside me."
Mara shrugged. "It wasn't your job to take care of me. I earned this pain. If I hadn't been so stupid and selfish- and it was selfish to let her take your autonomy away just so I could be happy- I would have been here to stop this disaster. I could have healed you myself, I could have helped save the town, saved Dave. I'd never have let you go in that Barn, and I could have saved Nathan and Duke all this pain.
"When I got to town and found out- I realized it had all been for nothing. Everything was ruined, nothing that any of us had done had any real, lasting impact. Yeah, Nathan got a chance to have you back, but not the way he wanted. Paige wasn't you, and you're who he was in love with. He learned that lesson the hard way with me and Sarah. Paige could never have been his partner, she could never have been you. Even with James starting over, Nathan couldn't have told Paige he was the father. He was trapped, the only one who remembered everything except for Gloria and Dwight, and Dwight is busy with his daughter. Gloria is miserable, too."
"Since you mentioned him, can you explain what happened with James? Is he really mine? How does that work? He is Nathan's right?"
Exhausted, Mara shifted so she was lying back on the bed, head propped on a pillow. Her feet were swollen and she had the normal pregnancy aches. but she rarely had the ability to focus on them. At least with Audrey back, Nathan could sleep without nightmares. Mara would be alone, but she'd be able to walk around naked.
"I scanned him at the coffee shop. He's biologically yours and Nathan's. I think it was something Mother planned, though I can't be sure. Maybe as a way to keep Nathan in line, to keep him from pushing too hard to drag you up. He'd have been afraid to lose James."
Audrey looked surprised. "You mean he's not yours anymore? How? Why? What's the point of changing his DNA?"
"Still just guessing, but I think she knew there was a chance I'd survive the dispersal. So she set everything up so that even if I lived, I'd lose everything. Dave, Duke, you- James was the only thing that tied Nathan to me. So if I came back, I'd have nobody, and I'd have to go through every day knowing that even though I couldn't protect my son, he was alive again but beyond my reach. Same reason his touch doesn't hurt my skin. I mean, it hurts through clothes, but skin to skin? No pain. So I'd be able to see him, but I'd be nothing to him, nobody, and the one person who can touch me without hurting me is someone I can't touch. One last punishment."
Audrey closed her eyes, slouching. "I'm so sorry."
"Don't be. It hurts, but I've thought for a long time that the reason my James died was because he was born to the wrong mother. As your child, he'll be safe and protected and loved. You'll be able to keep him and protect him. He has a mother and father who are in love with each other. This is the only good thing to come from this. I love him too much to begrudge him a good life with the right parents."
Her hand went to her belly, keeping her fingers still as she felt the movement inside her.
"You said 26 weeks? So another 14 to go, right?"
"Don't know. For my species, I'm full term, but who knows how Duke's genes will affect the rate of growth. It could be anytime from now to 14 weeks from now. That's why I have to save Duke as soon as possible."
"Nathan said you have a plan to bring Duke back. Is it really possible?"
"It has to be. I have no more religion, I'm making my own rules now. I will get him back. My child will have a father." Her eyes were heavy. It had been ages since she'd slept in a bed. There was a deep fear of nightmares coming, of not having anyone there to wake her, but she had to learn.
"Why was Nathan here when I came?"
"I guess he's been coming here at night, a way to feel closer to Duke. Same reason I'm here. When I talked to her, Gloria gave me the boat and Duke's truck, so I live here now. I understood how Nathan felt, I could see how badly he was hurting, so I asked him to stay. It helped me, too. At least now that you're back he won't have so many nightmares. He deserves some peace, he's been suffering so much. We slept in the same room for a few hours, but it was only so we'd have someone else around. Don't want you to think I'm hiding anything."
Audrey smiled a little. "I don't mind, I'm glad. Thank you for taking care of him when I couldn't."
Mara touched Audrey's hand. "I'm not trying to be intrusive, but you've been gone, and I want to make sure you know what to watch for. He's very depressed, blames himself about Duke. He's had no space or time to heal at all, trying to make Paige comfortable. Not having you to talk to, you not remembering. He's fragile. Having you back is going to be a big help, but-" She considered how to put her feelings into words.
"You were angry when you realized you'd been overwritten and sent back. Nathan has been alone, he's had time to see that everything- all the pain, the loss- it was for nothing. It's like everything they did to keep you from the Barn in the first place was gone, but he'd also lost Duke in the process. He's had nothing but time alone to think. When I took the tattoo away, he'd been hurting himself to try and get rid of it because he couldn't find a laser place. Expect Post-Traumatic Stress. He might try to hide it to ease your transition, but he's been suffering."
"Is there something you think I should do?"
"Don't let him hide. Try to get him to talk, and when he does, remind him that Duke knew Nathan loved him, and that's why he trusted him to help him. Remind him that he helped Duke. It will take time."
"What about you?"
"What about me?
"I listened to you. You're blaming yourself for everything. How can I help you?"
Mara shook her head, looking away. "Different. Nathan did the best he could in an impossible situation he wasn't at fault for. The worst thing he did was get that stupid, spiteful tattoo in the first place, but he never had any intention of actually killing Duke. It was a schoolyard prank that bit him in the ass. Nathan is innocent.
"If I had been honest from the start, if I hadn't been such a fool when my mother spun that story about wanting to fix me so I could be happy- and honestly, I should have known better. She'd never wanted me happy, I was just desperate to become someone who could be loved so I fell for it. If I had been smart enough not to get dispersed or strong enough to get here faster, I truly could have prevented all the rest. It's because of me that we lost everyone and Nathan's been alone. So yes, I blame myself. I should blame myself." Mara breathed slowly, trying to calm down.
"The point is, Audrey, I know how to cope. I've hated myself for a long time, and this is nothing new. For Nathan, it is. He needs a lot of support. I just want you to be aware."
Audrey looked heartbroken, her eyes glimmering with unshed tears. "You're wrong. You didn't do this, she did this. It's her fault, Mara. Not yours."
"Which came first, Audrey, the chicken or the egg? She came to Haven because I was born different. She came back because I got free. Cause and effect. But it doesn't matter. Getting you back, getting Duke back and healing Nathan. That's what matters."
"Do you want us to stay with you?"
"No, no. You guys need to have space to greet each other properly and start bonding as a family." Mara stood, going to the closet to hunt for a robe. She found a soft satin robe hanging in the edge of the closet and smiled. This was perfect, and she'd be able to tease him about it later.
"Will it make you uncomfortable if I change with you in here? The seams are starting to chafe and I need to give my skin a break."
"It's fine, do you need help?"
"I'm good." She removed the boxers and panties first, folding them and setting them on the dresser before she took off the shirt. She heard Audrey's muffled gasp as her body was bared and she rolled her eyes, slipping the cool satin on with a content sigh. "I told you, everywhere but my face, hands and feet. It could be worse. Do you want to feel Duke's baby?"
Audrey actually smiled at the idea. "Yes! Yes, so much! Will it hurt you though?"
"Just don't move your hand a lot. Here." She stood in front of where Audrey was sitting and took her hand, putting it flat against her belly.
"Holy crap! She's moving like crazy! Can I use my other had too?"
"Go ahead."
Audrey pressed her hand against the other side of Mara's belly. "Wow, that's a lot of movement! Are you sure there's only one baby in there?"
Mara actually had to pause and think about it. "I- no, I guess not. I don't know anything. I've refused to even scan myself, not when he isn't here to find out. Whatever happens will be a surprise. It's possible, I guess. I've always thought it felt more like an octopus than a baby."
She bit her lip, needing to speak but not wanting to sound rude. "Audrey? Would you mind very much if I put your hair back to normal? It would make me feel better seeing the old you, so I'm sure it will make Nathan feel better."
"Can you do that? I don't mind at all, that would be great!"
Relieved, Mara took an orb from her duffle bag and in seconds, Audrey looked like herself again. "Thank goodness. I hated you looking so different."
"Thank you, Mara."
"I'm exhausted and I have a lot to try and get done tomorrow. I don't mean to be rude, but I need to sleep. James should be fine now, I used a little Aether for his teeth and belly, but I think he felt Duke making contact and that's what was making him scream. He spent a lot of time in the Void."
Audrey stood quickly. "Of course, you're not being rude." Audrey caught Mara's hands, leaning to kiss her cheek. "Thank you for calling me your sister. And you will never be nothing to James. You're his aunt, and I want you to be his godmother."
Mara stroked Audrey's hair. "I don't believe in the gods anymore. Or they don't believe in me. I think that's a requirement."
"Not for me. It just means I want you to be his other mother. To be the one to take care of him if something ever happens to me. Please?"
"Of course. Thanks."
"Can I come by tomorrow?"
"Yeah. I need to work on the plan to get Duke back, and when it's time for me to go, it might be good to have a ride to the nearest Thinny. I don't know how hard he'll be to find and I can't take care of him and drive at the same time."
She walked out of the bedroom with Audrey and Nathan stood, James in his arms and apprehension on his face. His stance relaxed and his smile lit up the room when he saw Audrey's hair.
"Mara's tired, Nathan. I told her we would come back tomorrow."
He frowned slightly. "Mara, do you want us to stay? That nightmare- should you be alone?"
She raised her hand to touch his face. She almost stopped herself for fear of offending Audrey, but carried through- she had warned Audrey that Nathan needed help. She would help him in any way she could.
"Nathan, you've been in a nightmare too. Audrey is back. That part of the nightmare is over. It's time for you to enjoy it. Take your girlfriend and your son home. Get her stuff from where she's been staying and go make your house a home again. Let her help heal you, Nathan. Do it for me. Do it for him. He's going to come home, he'll want to see you a little bit happy."
He really had such expressive eyes. She could see the fear in them as he stared down at her. "I'm worried about you. He'd expect me to keep an eye on you, you're pregnant and hurt."
Mara patted his cheek before taking her hand away. "And yet I still got to Maine from Mexico on the 600 pesos I found in the lab. That's about $35. I'm stronger than I look. Audrey has my number in her phone, you can call or text whenever you want. But remember the kiss story you told me about? I fixed her hair, Nathan. Please take some time to just be happy."
He looked thoughtful, but eventually nodded, squeezing her hand. "Do you swear you'll call if you need anything at all? Even if you just want to talk?" He was staring so hard, she was pretty sure he'd actually see it if she lied.
"I swear that if I actually need anything, I will call. You can't babysit me every time I want to talk to someone. I'm okay."
He nodded, knowing she wasn't going to budge. "Please call if you have a nightmare, though."
"And you call me if you have one. I think you'll be okay though, Nathan. Audrey, same for you- call me if you need anything."
"I will. Thank you for helping me."
"It's the least I could do. Goodnight, James." She ran her fingers through his hair and leaned in to kiss his cheek.
"We'll see you tomorrow then." Audrey squeezed her hand and Mara walked them out, retrieving the glowing blue orb from the deck. The sun was coming up, painting the landscape in vibrant colors, but all Mara could think about was how she wished Duke were there to see it. She waved at them before going back in and locking up, turning out all the lights.
Back in the bedroom, Mara slipped the robe off and climbed into the bed. It felt so nice to have nothing but the sheets actually touching her- no seams or pleats, just soft cool cotton that smelled like Duke.
Images of twins danced in her head. A little girl with curly dark hair and silver eyes. A boy with hair like Duke's but Mara's eyes. She could be the first person to bear him a son. It didn't matter. Either way, there was at least one baby Crocker in her, and Duke would be here for the birth. Audrey was safe.
One down, one to go.
Just before she closed her eyes, Mara brought an orb to her lips, whispering words of love and a promise that she was coming for him. She even put in a little extra energy, in case he wanted to try and contact her again, then she sent it off to find Duke.
In the silence, she closed her eyes and rested with the essence of Duke around her and his child inside her.