Even exhausted, Mara slept fitfully. She was edgy, and though lying still, nude in Duke's bed was the most comfortable she'd been since the dispersal, her body ached all over, even in odd places she knew she hadn't been injured, like the bones in her shoulder.
She tried putting her feet up on pillows to relieve the swelling, attempting to make plans.
She just wasn't sure how to plan for something she'd never done before.
At 8 am she called Gloria, giving up on sleep. She set the garbage can in front of the fridge, settled down in a chair and started tossing things out as she dialed.
"Mara! I was wondering when you'd call. How are you settling, kid?"
"One down. Got Audrey back!"
She heard something fall and Gloria sounded stunned. "Are you serious? When? How? Does Nathan know?"
Another furry green container in the bin. She was getting to the dregs, bottled water, a few bottles of beer and a jar of maraschino cherries. "Paige called at 3:30 this morning because James was having a meltdown and Nathan was already here, so when she came over, I did what I do best. Scared her and hit her with the Aether. It's like Chia Pets say, 'just add water, instant pet', but instead it was, 'Just add Aether, instant Audrey'. Do maraschino cherries go bad?"
Gloria was quiet, trying to catch up. "You know, I can't answer that. How did she react? How's Nathan?"
Mara rubbed a spot on her chest that kept aching. "She handled it as well as can be expected. She was mad that she got sent back, but so happy to see Nathan. He's thrilled. I almost had to force them to leave at gunpoint around sunrise, Nathan's got himself convinced that Duke would want him babysitting me. But he and Audrey have a lot of time to make up for, and they have to learn how to be a family. Oh! I fixed her hair though."
"Well that's a big relief. The hair too. You think they're going to be alright?"
Putting the cherries back, Mara stood and closed the refrigerator, opening the freezer. She started dumping everything that was freezer burnt. "I do. He needs time and a lot of love, but I know Nathan will feel better when Duke is back. He suffered a severe emotional trauma. It won't go away overnight."
"And you still think you can bring our boy back?"
"I don't have a doubt. I made contact with him last night."
"You did what?" She'd never heard Gloria's voice get so high pitched. It was close to a yelp.
"About 3am, same time James woke up screaming, I got to talk to Duke, very briefly. I know his general location and I made him promise to wait for me."
"But how? You actually talked to him?"
"I had sent an orb out to search for his spirit. When I was asleep, the orb came back and pulled me to Duke. My body was asleep, it was technically a dream, but sometimes that's the best way to reach spirits. I really talked to him. I sent another orb to try and narrow the area down, because I don't want to wander around the Void for a month trying to track him down. I will if I have to, but with the pregnancy and everything- I'd rather not waste time."
"How was he?" Gloria asked desperately.
"He's okay, Gloria. He seemed healthy. He just needs time and love to recover, and that's something I can give him in spades. I promise, Gloria, I will bring your son home."
Mara heard Gloria crying for a moment before she sniffled and said, "What made you call him my son, sweetie?"
"Because I can see how you love him. I know better than almost anyone- genetics don't make a mother, love does. You cared for him and loved him when his mother wasn't there. That makes you his mom."
"Oh, little girl. I do love him, you're right. I'm so sorry about what that woman did to you. If she couldn't appreciate what she had, that's her failing."
Mara was digging in the back of the freezer and her fingers ached from the cold when her hand closed around a small, fogged-over container. Curious, she wiped her thumb over the outside so she could see what was in it and she choked and coughed, almost laughing.
"What is it, are you alright, Mara?"
"I'm cleaning out Duke's fridge and freezer, just came upon something that surprised me. I don't know how he manages to surprise me still."
She held her own toe- replaced when her body had reformed, but Duke had kept it. Right in his freezer next to the ice and an unopened box of popsicles. She couldn't even guess what it meant, but she put it back in the freezer, smiling and shaking her head.
"Anyway, I have a few things I have to do today, but I'll have my phone if you need me. I can't wait long, but I want to make sure this place is ready for him to come home to. I don't know if he'll have Void-sickness or anything, I just want to be prepared."
"You call if you need me, understand? Take care of yourself and that baby, too, missy."
"Yes, ma'am. I'll talk to you soon."
She hung up and put her phone on the counter, looking around to see if Duke kept any cash on hand. She didn't want to have to borrow from anyone, but Duke would need food to eat when he got home. She stood in front of the counter, rubbing her hand and thinking. The sudden commotion in her belly sealed the deal.
Sighing, she picked up the phone and shot a text off to Nathan.
-Any idea if Duke keeps spare cash around? I need to get some groceries.-
Her phone buzzed almost immediately, and she was surprised. She'd assumed they'd still be sleeping.
-I can help. How much do you need?-
Mara frowned at the phone. She was fine asking if he knew where Duke kept things, but she wasn't about to take money from Nathan. She nibbled her thumbnail thoughtfully.
-Can you get me into the office for the Herald?-
-Sure, why?-
-I have money. I need to be able to get to it. I only need a few minutes there.-
-Should I pick you up at the Rouge?-
Part of her wanted to say yes. To let Audrey and Nathan help her and take care of her. But the louder part had more pride.
-No, thanks. Just meet me there in an hour?-
-See you there.-
Bringing the phone back to the bedroom with her, Mara made the bed and dressed herself, readjusting her clothes several times. She slid on her cardigan, putting her things in the pocket before she left the boat, taking the trash out and locking up behind her.
She drove Duke's car to the Herald and got out, waiting on the sidewalk. Only a minute later, the Bronco pulled up, Nathan sliding out as Audrey took James out of his carseat.
"Thank you. Sorry if I woke you, I texted hoping you'd just get it when you were awake."
"We were awake- the little guy was up at 8. What about you? You should still be asleep." Nathan was unlocking the door as Audrey came up, smiling at Mara.
"I tried, couldn't really sleep. I dozed for a few minutes at a time, but eventually gave up and decided to clean out the fridge." She made her way into the office, the smell of the office bringing back a thousand memories. "What will happen to this place?"
"They left it to Dwight. He hasn't decided what to do yet."
She knelt in a corner, sliding stacks of boxes around to make an open space on the floor and pressing a slightly faded bit of flooring until a panel popped open. "Nathan, would you mind pulling the box out of there for me? It's heavy and I don't have a good angle." She scooted aside to make room as Audrey and James watched.
He pulled out a large wooden chest, standing to put it on a counter. Mara looked in the hole once more, picking up a loose photo before shutting the panel and moving the boxes back.
"Do you think Dwight would be willing to sell it?"
Nathan shrugged, but Audrey looked interested. "You thinking about going into journalism?"
"Not really, I just don't want some stranger taking it over. If Dwight wants to sell, I'm going to offer to buy it."
"What's in the box?" Nathan looked excited, like a kid finding pirate treasure.
"My stuff. From when I was Sarah and from when I was Lucy. Dave took care of things for me."
She opened the heavy lid, handing Audrey the loose picture she'd picked up- Lucy with Vince and Dave, all laughing like idiots. Mara looked over the contents carefully, pulling out a small photo album that she hugged to her chest and then counting something. "I don't have ID or anything, I can't go get a bank account or even really cash this stuff in. Would you guys mind helping me? You can take however much you want for your trouble."
Nathan and Audrey frowned at each other. Audrey said, "Of course we'll help with whatever you need, and we don't need to be paid. What's in there?"
"A bunch of mementos, some savings bonds, 13 gold bars and 13 silver bars."
They were dumbfounded. "How?" Nathan asked.
"I left things behind, things I thought I might be able to come back for someday, things I thought I'd be able to give to-" Her eyes shot briefly to the baby in Audrey's arms. "Just stuff I thought might be useful someday. I have other things hidden around town, but this was the safest one, so I thought it would be the best for today. The guys took care of it, adding certain things for me. Including money, it appears. I know I didn't leave quite this much in the chest."
She held the photo album like a shield or a child- loving and protective. Audrey's tone was warm and persuasive. "Will you show us?"
Mara wondered if that was a good idea. But Audrey wanted to see, and she didn't want to lie or keep secrets, not about things that didn't really matter anymore. "Sure, if you want."
She laid the album out on the counter, opening it to show them the pictures that the Teagues brothers has taken of her when she was Sarah, the pictures of James that they'd taken before she had to go and everything June Cogan had sent for Sarah since then. There were more pictures of Lucy and a grown James in the back of the album, and a lock of his hair tied in a silk ribbon.
Audrey was staring in fascination. "He looks just the same."
"His hair is a little different. Lighter, because of you."
Nathan's eyes were sad. "Are you okay, Mara?"
The lie came out automatically. "Of course. Don't worry about me. I had my chance. He's in the right place now. Not the point though. You wanted to see, so I showed you. Do you mind cashing in the money though? I don't know what the price of gold or silver is right now, but the bonds are mature and have probably gained a lot of interest. I just need to get groceries and a few things I didn't have money for. Is there a baby store here? I can't shop online without a card."
"You can use my account," Audrey offered, "until we get you set up with ID and get you a bank account."
Mara smiled gratefully. "I'd appreciate it. I don't have time to drive out to the city, too much to do. But there's stuff that I have to have, and I don't have much in the way of clothes."
"Why don't you let us give you the cash to do your grocery shopping while we do the bank stuff, and if it makes you feel better you can just pay us back after we bring you your money. I can even get you some clothes in your size to wear until you have the time to do real shopping."
"That- are you sure you have the time to do that? I don't want to impose."
"I'm positive. Is there anything specific you want?"
"Nothing beige. Please. If you can, whatever is really soft. And if you see baby stuff, I need a few of everything. I don't know how much time I have, but if you could get a few blankets and sleepers and diapers, I can buy the rest online when I get home, if I can use your account. I'll give you the money upfront so I don't mess up your finances."
"That's fine. We'll bring your box back to you after we exchange everything for cash. Do you want to put your personal things in a bag for right now?"
Mara looked around, spotting a cardboard box on Dave's desk. She went over to grab it but stopped, pausing to open his desk drawer. She pulled out a few photos of Dave with each personality, tucking them into the photo album as she came back to the counter and transferred her keepsakes to the cardboard box so Nathan could carry the heavy wooden chest.
Nathan pulled three $100 dollar bills from his wallet and handed them to Mara. "So you can get groceries. I don't remember seeing you eat anything yesterday."
"Thank you. Just promise you'll take it, and whatever Audrey spends, from the money they give you at the bank."
"Okay, I promise. We'll meet you at the Rouge later?
Mara nodded. "Thank you again. I really appreciate this."
They walked out together and Audrey locked the door as Nathan carried the chest to the Bronco. Mara put her cardboard box into the back of the Land Rover, thanked them both again and blew James a kiss, leaving before she could get teary.
She managed to do all her shopping and get back to the Rouge without incident. There was a lot to be said for looking different- being small and inconspicuous. People didn't stop her or think she was Audrey, and she didn't have to really talk to anyone.
She unpacked all the groceries, stocking the shelves, fridge and freezer with fresh food. She'd even gotten lucky and found a case of maple water at the store, and she opened one immediately, taking her medication before she peeled off her cardigan and sat down.
She laid her head back, closing her eyes and letting herself relax, dozing off and on. She yawned when she heard the knock at the door and went to let Nathan and Audrey in.
Audrey was smiling happily, James in one arm and several bags in the other, and Nathan was loaded down like a pack mule, the chest in his hands and bags hanging off both arms.
Mara let them in, rushing to take the chest out of Nathan's hands- it was light enough to carry without the bars in it, though it was heavy enough that it was obviously holding something- and letting them set everything on the counter.
"What did you do, Audrey, buy out the entire store? What is all this?"
"Necessities. After we did the banking stuff, I made a list of the things I knew you'd need. Sit down, Mara, I'll bring everything to you. Did you get all the grocery things you needed? Here, will you hold James?"
Audrey's obvious excitement made Mara smile a little, and she took the baby, who reached for her happily. She allowed herself to be herded back to the couch, where Audrey was piling bags on the coffee table and floor. "Yes, I got the groceries. I tried to get things I knew Duke would like so I can cook for him when he gets home."
Audrey got a pair of scissors from a kitchen drawer and came to sit with Mara. "If you don't like anything, I can take it back, but whatever you do keep, I'll take the tags off and put them in the washing machine for you."
"Thank you for helping me. It was really nice of you to do all of this. Did you pay yourself back already?"
"We went to the bank first, so we just used your money so you wouldn't worry. I have the receipts from the bank and the stores for you."
"And there was enough for everything?"
Nathan laughed loudly before Audrey could answer her. "Yeah. Don't know how you decided to choose that method of putting money away, but gold and silver have gone way up since you did. You shouldn't have to worry about money. Here's your papers from the bank. Once we get you some ID, they really, really want your business."
Confused, Mara looked at the papers he handed her, then looked back up at him. "You're sure this is right?"
He nodded. "They were as shocked as us. They didn't have that kind of cash on hand, so they drew up a cashiers check for most of it. We can take it to one of the big banks or you can just deposit it when you open an account. I called a friend of Duke's, he's working on setting up the papers you'll need."
"Nathan, you aren't getting involved in forgery, are you?" The thought was immensely pleasing. That she could heal him and corrupt him at the same time... it was like every holiday wrapped in one shiny, government-issued bow.
His smile was warm and amused, like he could tell what she was thinking. "No. Everything is legal. Gloria got the old forms and signed off on a birth certificate for you, the rest is just filling out papers and waiting."
"I don't know what to say. Thank you."
Audrey helped put all the new clothes in the wash and as the next set of bags were opened, Mara laughed at the squealing, the side of Agent Parker that was rarely ever seen. That had never really existed before - Audrey Parker the mother. It struck Mara that that had almost been taken from Audrey too.
She had already gone without a childhood, either real nor the miserable history given to her by the Barn. They'd tried so hard to keep her from love, and when she finally gets love, they overwrite her and she misses out on motherhood. If she had lived, what would Charlotte's story be in another 500 years? What 'crime' had Audrey Parker committed that her enslavement was justified?
Charlotte had tried to make Audrey into Mara. Exhaustion and hormones combined and the random thought passed that perhaps Mara wasn't even the first. Maybe there was another girl before her. Would Audrey have remembered Mara in 500 years? Mara shivered and focused on the creature that her mother and the universe had tried to prevent.
Mommy-Audrey patiently sorted and unwrapped blankets and sleepers and every other baby-item she'd been able to find as Mara watched her, fascinated.
The one thing Mara had gotten with James- his gestation and birth- Audrey had missed with her own James. So if Audrey wanted to experience pregnancy vicariously? Mara was glad to be the one to share it with her.
Wishing she could move freely, Mara grabbed Audrey's wrist with her free hand, James still in her lap. Audrey glanced over, curious. "Thank you, Audrey. I appreciate your help, and I'm really glad you're back. I was afraid you'd hate me. I wouldn't have blamed you. But you've been really nice. It means a lot."
Audrey sat down next to Mara as Nathan took out the bag of discarded labels and wrappers and clasped their hands together, laughing. "You fought to get here, you cared enough to help Nathan and you brought me back. Why on earth are you thanking me?"
"Everything could have been so much different. If I had just been a little more trusting... But then when I did trust someone, it bit me in the ass. It's hard to know who to trust, so I thought it was easier not trusting anybody. I don't know how I could have made myself understand sooner, but I wish I had."
"I know you were scared. And once we were away from each other and I could think about it, I understood. I tried to imagine myself in your position and it was impossible. And then I was in your position, in a way, and it was so much worse than I had imagined. Now? Knowing what I know and having experienced it even for just a few weeks, I don't even know how you managed. We were all wrong about so much. But all we can do is try to do better in the future. Once you get Duke home, we'll all be better."
"You believe I'll bring him home?"
"Yeah. Yes I do. And I can't wait to see him with a baby. I believe in you."
Nope, Mara couldn't take it. Too much emotion. She stood and headed for the kitchen, hunting for something to do that wouldn't cause tears. She stopped dead in her tracks as she looked at the counter, Nathan coming up behind her very quietly.
"Do you like it?"
"It's very nice. Is this new?"
"You can't really shop for things online without a computer. We thought you'd like something portable."
She rubbed at her hand and noticed Nathan doing the same with his own. "How'd you hurt your hand, Nathan?"
He glanced at Audrey, blushing. "Car door. It's fine. What'd you do?"
"I must have knocked it on something when I was cleaning out Duke's freezer. How quaint, we're twins." She touched the thin, flat computer with one hand. "This is great. I might need some help. Everything I know about computers I learned during my time with Audrey. So I'm good with NCIC, solitaire and minesweeper."
Audrey scoffed, but Nathan laughed loudly, moving next to Mara to give her a crash course. He'd already set it up for her, making her an email account and logging her into Audrey's online-shopping accounts so there wasn't much to do. Mara forced a roll of bills on Audrey, insisting she wanted to be able to do some shopping if she couldn't sleep again.
Before Nathan and Audrey started getting ready to go out for dinner, Audrey hung up the clean clothes in Duke's closet next to his stuff, putting all the baby clothes and blankets in the dryer. Mara was drinking a meal-replacement liquid and dreading another sleepless night when Audrey and Nathan collided, Audrey accidentally stomping on Nathan's foot. A sharp pain ran through Mara's foot, up her leg and she froze, staring down.
Nothing had touched her, she hadn't stubbed her toe- she'd been standing still, for crying out loud. She thought about their aching hands and a chill ran up her spine. It was coincidence. Of course it was coincidence.
But Mara had never believed in coincidence.
"Before you guys go, Nathan, would you mind if I checked you over really quick to see if you have any injuries from when your Trouble was active that didn't heal right? If you're going to be keeping up with a baby, you really should be in prime condition, right?"
He shrugged. "If you want to, sure. Isn't it a little late to fix it if it's healed, though?"
She led him to the couch, having him sit next to Audrey so Audrey could nurse James while they worked. "Not with Aether. I can heal anything that's out of place. Do you have anything specifically that's been hurting you? And please don't pull the tough guy act. I need to actually know if something hurts."
"I've got a lot of little aches and pains. Some of my joints are a little stiff. Right here aches." He pointed to where she had shot him and she smiled apologetically, sitting in front of him on the coffee table.
Mara focused, letting the Aether flow to life, showing her a detailed scan of Nathan's body. As she cataloged his poorly-healed injuries and began to repair them, she compared them to the aches that had been plaguing her. Even now her shoulder hurt, so she used Nathan's injury as a test, letting the Aether flow over and re-set the bones, healing the soft tissue damage.
Anxiety blossomed in her chest as the ache in her shoulder faded.
She went through him level by level, repairing constantly. Being unable to feel had caused him to exacerbate injuries as they healed and his body was full of scar tissue and poorly remodeled fractures. She considered what other things she should test as she worked. Nathan hadn't said anything about feeling more pain than usual, but Mara had to be certain.
"Stay right there, I just need to grab something from the kitchen, I'm almost done and you guys can go eat." In the kitchen, she took out a small filet knife, eyes on Nathan as she pressed it into the palm of her hand. He didn't react- didn't jump or flinch or even look at his hand. Mara put a band-aid against the cut, leaving the knife in the sink as she returned to the coffee table.
She took Nathan's hand, checking for herself. There was no wound.
What the hell was going on?
Audrey finished feeding James and burped him, handing him over to Nathan, where James curled into his father's arms. Mara remembered the depth of her grief when she'd found out that her son had been brought back, given a second chance but given to another mother. How much she had hurt over losing the only tie she had to Nathan, the only thing that connected them. When would she ever learn?
Rule #1. Be careful what you wish for.
"Okay, you should be good for now. We'll want to go over you once or twice more, but we'll give it some time in between treatments. You guys should go eat. Thank you for all your help today."
They stood to gather their things, but Audrey hung back, staring at Mara like she could see something was on her mind. "Are you sure you don't want to come with us? I still haven't seen you eat any real food."
"Thanks, but I'm good. I get enough calories and nutrients. I can wait for Duke. I'll eat when he does."
"Call us if you need anything?"
"Of course. Go. Have fun."
She patted their backs, kissing James on his head as she walked them out, putting the baby things from the dryer into the laundry basket to bring back inside and locking the door. As she sat and folded everything in neat stacks, the same thought repeated over and over in her head.
What have I done?