Chapter 6: Re
The wolf within was furious. It wanted to do nothing more than hunt, hurt and possibly kill those responsible for the death of one of its pack members. And it wanted to simply leave this mess and go far beyond and start over again. Some place where it would get some peace.
But it also wanted to protect what it saw as its cub from all harm.
The human within whom the wolf resided had the same thoughts as the lupine within.
Remus had never so much wanted to destroy those who had hurt Sirius. It was taking every bit of his self-control not to let the wolf side gain control of his mind. He knew that once that happened, very few people would be safe and there would be no turning back.
But boy, was he sorely tempted!
Padfoot was gone. Another of the original Marauders had departed for his next journey, leaving him almost all alone.
Almost because he knew he owed it to Prongs and Padfoot to take care of Pronglet.
He would not let any harm come to Pronglet if he could manage it. And may Heaven save Wormtail (he briefly lost his control letting out a very loud and very wolf-like snarl. Thankfully though there wasn't anyone with him in his room that he had rented in Muggle London) if he were to ever cross paths with Moony.
That rat would be shown no mercy.
Remus took a deep breath to calm himself down.
Unfortunately for him though, it didn't work.
He was far too strung up and in a far too morose mood for it to have been beneficial.
He kept going over that fateful day, wondering if there was anything that he could have done to have saved his best friend.
But he knew in his heart of hearts that no matter what he tried, it would end up in the same situation - Sirius would still be dead.
There was nothing you could do to prevent something from happening, as the moment you did that you stepped into a different time line forever.
Remus briefly contemplated the idea before the wolf within (if it were possible) shot the idea down ruthlessly.
That would be tantamount to abandoning his cub, the only one of the pack that was left.
And wolves don't leave members behind if they can help it.
A strange thought made his way into his mind, something that was totally random. He wondered if the Liverpool football team's anthem of "You Will Never Walk Alone" had been based off the pack behaviour of wolves.
He case that thought aside, for while it was a good distraction, it didn't help him figure out what he should do next.
One thing he knew for certain was that the wolf was going to take greater control and he was going to let it as well. For far too long he had played nice, listened to too many people and had hardly put his foot down when he needed to.
No longer was that going to be the case.
The wolf had often ensured his safety in life or death situations. And instead of waiting till such scenarios to make flight or fight decisions, Remus reasoned that combining the soft human and the tough wolf traits would help in his and more importantly, the people who mattered most to him, survival.
Perhaps if he had let his wolf instincts take greater control, Sirius would still be with them all now.
His guilt returned with full force now. Not because he had kept his inner wolf so tightly caged, but because he should have tried to talk to Padfoot more.
Although Sirius would deny it and would never openly ask for help, Moony knew that Padfoot had been struggling.
In the mornings, Sirius would invariably be the first one at the breakfast table, which was a highly unusual occurrence who used to take pride in the fact that he would sleep till the last possible minute before classes and yet arrive looking as dapper as ever.
Remus remembered clearly the first night he had spent at Grimmauld Place, he thought he heard some voices coming from a level above him (no matter what he tried, Sirius couldn't get the wards on the house to permit werewolves on the top floor of the house and he hadn't been able to tinker on the house's wardstone as well)
Being unable to go and check up on Sirius, Remus decided to ask him about it the next day at breakfast.
When he came down for breakfast, Remus who was usually the first to wake up, was surprised to see Sirius sitting at the table staring blankly at the wall in front of him. It became immediately clear to Moony that Sirius had hardly slept (further evidence being the bags under the eyes).
But before he could ask Padfoot anything, Sirius began to grill him completely about Harry and what he thought about his skills and where he thought he should improve. Remus wasn't sure if it was a query that Sirius had been thinking of for a while or if he started on the topic with no preamble just to divert Moony's attention from asking him about the bags under the eyes.
For the moment though, Remus let it slide, resolving to come back to it at a later point and started telling Sirius stories of Harry from his time spent in the Defence class. And where there was Harry mentioned, one could not be far from mentioning both Ron and Hermione as well and so Moony kept Padfoot in rapt attention as he told him the adventures that had happened during the year and the ones from the previous years as well.
He could see that Sirius was lapping it all up, absorbing every word that Remus said with great gusto and pride. There were moments though when Sirius would unexpectedly ask him a random question on the general education system, on Dumbledore and on things that just didn't fit with the flow of the conversation.
Remus also noticed that Sirius was immensely proud of his godson and would close his eyes, with tears streaming down his cheeks to highlight the point. Other times though, the eyes would still be closed and the current story not one that was particularly interesting, but tears would still be streaming down his cheeks.
Whenever it was the second style, Sirius would ask Remus to stop his narration and quietly leave for his own bedroom.
Remus had seen then, should have asked him then if everything was OK, but he had never done that. Moony, being an extremely private person, was one who didn't appreciate people coming up to check on him immediately. He would much rather wait for them to enter once he had calmed down and composed himself. And it was the same rule that he had decided to follow for Sirius as well.
The problem was that every time he waited, Sirius would take an awful lot of time to come back down to the dining area. Invariably, work for the Order would also enter into the equation and the thought of checking on Sirius would slip his mind.
He never failed to notice that Sirius was always the first one at the breakfast table. And while he could no longer see bags under his eyes, Remus strongly suspected that his old friend was using glamour based charms to cover them up. He also noticed that Padfoot never stayed long at the table to discuss and greet any of the remaining guests at Grimmauld Place.
Almost as soon as he was done, Sirius had begun to head back upstairs, some times to his room and other times to the library. What he was looking for, Sirius never said, and nor did Remus ask him anything.
But Remus had to highlight Sirius' situation to someone, and that had to be done soon. The only name that he could think of was that young Auror who had joined the Order.
Nymphadora Tonks.
But one who wanted the world to call her only Tonks.
(Personally he thought the name was quite fetching and amusing, being uncommon as it was. But as he preferred having all parts of his body in perfect working condition if possible, he called her by the name she wanted everyone to call her. Tonks)
He knew that Tonks' mother was one of Sirius' closest cousins during their younger days. Andromeda had cut-off contact from most of the Black family once she had married Ted Tonks, as the alternative was that she would be an "accidental" victim of pureblood policies. While never overtly supporting the Order, Andromeda had done her fair share for them, trained as a Healer as she was.
He wasn't sure if Tonks had told her mother about Sirius. He doubted that would be the case, as even though she was quite clumsy, Tonks did take her duties seriously. So it remained to be seen as to how to broach to Andromeda the topics of Sirius' innocence as well as the help that Sirius so clearly needed.
He was sure the other Order members had noticed as well. And as the year had gone by, Sirius' spts with Snape were becoming more and more commonplace and were increasing in intensity.
Remus shook his head at that. It was very clear to him that Snape was deliberately taunting and provoking Sirius in the hope that he would do something stupid. And as it turned out, every time such a provocation occurred, Sirius obliged to respond. With the effect of the nightly nightmares now in full effect, it was getting easier to trip up Sirius, something that should have been nipped in the bud in the first place.
But it never stopped. Dumbledore might have had a word or two with both of them because the continuous baiting had stopped. Subtle saracastic, sneering and caustic messages were the order of the day for both parties involved.
Remus knew he would have to talk to Andromeda soon.
And for that he would have to talk to Tonks.
He groaned. He knew about Tonks' fascination and crush on him.
If his guess was correct, then he was sure that all the Order members, at least the ones that attended the meeting regularly knew about it.
Which meant that Sirius would have also known about it.
And yet hadn't said a word.
Something was definitely off about him.
Shaking his head and bringing himself to the present, Remus ran a tired hand through his hair.
There were so many signs that he should have seen. So many little things that pointed to the fact that there was something with Sirius, good or bad, and yet he hadn't taken the time to delve deeper into it.
He had so much to atone for.
And while that process would start by making sure that he continued on what Sirius had done, for the moment, he simply wanted to forget.
He looked at the clock on the wall that hung there right above the door, a simple one that yet retained its elegance. It featured both the time and the date and while at the moment he didn't need the date, he was sure he would need it in a couple of days, especially as he worked out from the muggle calendars when the next full moon was.
The clock read half past ten at night. Satisfied that it could be considered late, he walked over to the fridge and pulled out a can of beer.
It was all over in two simple motions.
The first move was to open the can.
And the second to knock back the contents in one go, even though he coughed along the way.
He repeated the procedure with a few more beers till his world went black.