Disclaimer : Castle is not mine.

Alexis told Beckett everything. How she let the man get away, how she lied to Esposito and Ryan and how she didn't know what to do.

"Detective I just feel so isolated, no one can understand and no matter how hard anyone tries you don't know the pain I am going through."

"Alexis maybe if you tried talking to someone maybe we can try to understand."

Alexis looked around the car and mumbled "Sometimes I think it would be easier if I had just stayed in that dark rook, that everything wouldn't be so complicated and how eventually everyone would move on, I know I am loved and I know people care but just think about all the trouble I am causing just because I was found. Think about how things would be if I was never found."

Kate looked at her out of the corner of her eye, "Alexis if we had never found you, you might be dead or badly hurt with the way you had to survive, your dad would never be the same, none of us would be the same. Alexis I know you're finding it difficult to adjust but it'll get better. When you go back to school you'll have your friends and you'll be learning again. Alexis you should have seen the way your face lights up when you learn something new, you always had this thirst for knowledge. You were passionate and I know it doesn't seem like it know but Alexis things will get better."

Alexis was crying as she thought how she had read that last passage in her diary and how she didn't have any friends and no one knew. She just wanted to escape this pain. To her it was a special type of torture, everyone with their hopeful stares and full smiles as they slowly dim throughout the day because she isn't the same, because she can't remember. And to repeat that process everyday. She just wants to lock her self away and even though she feels isolated now she wouldn't mind leaving, being alone, not having to see people lose hope everyday.

Alexis looked up and at Beckett and smiled, it was a completely false smile but at this moment she is going by her own rules, if you seem confident people will believe it. "You're right maybe when I'm back at school."

They arrived back at the Castle loft and Alexis couldn't look at anyone she couldn't so she went to her room and put a chair behind the door so she knows she would have some privacy. She pulled out her diary where she had hid it, where she had taped it under her desk. And she read from the beginning, wanting to know more about herself, needing to know about herself.

Dear diary,

So I got this today because a lot of the self help websites say it is helpful to write your feeling down and stuff like that but I can't help but think I'm a lost cause that no one could ever help me. I know I'm not helping myself because no one knows how bad things are and how much I just want to finish school and escape. High school is like a cage, forcing you to stay as it sucks all of your happiness away and leaving you there gasping for breath.

I'm feeling more and more alone, more and more like I'm never going to make it how maybe just maybe I should make a stand and leave this place. I wonder sometimes what it would be like if we never lived in New York but instead a quiet town where hopefully people don't judge.

I was at school today and I heard them whisper their insults about me behind my back. I sit in front of them in Biology. I heard as they said how ugly I am and how I am never going to make it. I think maybe their right, I'm never going to make it and they are right I am ugly. Who would ever want someone with pale skin and red hair. I want to be lawyer or a doctor but I feel as if I can't no more that if I stay here I'm going to have nothing left I'm going to be nothing, like I am just going to never leave home, never experience anything. Never experience love.

I'm sad and I'm stuck.

I just want to leave.

There is multiple tear marks on the page, new ones and old ones and Alexis can't help but think that these feeling aren't knew so why does it feel so unexpected, that she isn't meant to feel this way but Alexis knows now that she has felt like this for a while and she has nothing to worry about. The old Alexis would never make her stand or her leave. But she isn't the same Alexis because this Alexis has been through a lot more then anyone will ever know and this Alexis isn't scared of a fight and she sure as hell won't back down from one either it's just going to take a while for people to see that.

She suddenly has a lot of anger and she can't sit still anymore she has to do something, so she grabs her gyms stuff and heads back down and when she walked out the door with everyone giving her curious glances and asking where she went, she didn't turn around just simply replied with "I'm going to the gym." And she closed the door. This is not like a fight she has ever fought before but she will win.

No one knows what she has been through and the might never know but she can still use what she learnt. If you seem confident people believe it.