Disclaimer : Castle is not mine.

It was 1am when Alexis Castle woke up gasping for breath in the dead of night. Tim slept through and she couldn't have been anymore grateful. She was having a dream that her dad was walking out the door and telling her to lock it and not open it for anyone. No one. And then it was like everything had fast forward and Detective Beckett was in their home, her apartment had blown up. Alexis was so confused, she didn't understand. Was it real or a figment of her imagination she couldn't decide and it was too late to ask anyone.

She slowly got out of bed and was happy her floor was carpet and she quietly walked over to her desk and got out her diary that she had been slowly reading. Trying to understand her life, how she thought, how she reacted, what she was like but she was only a few pages in and she couldn't understand anything except she was lonely. She grabbed her diary and pen and slowly walked out of her room, hoping Tim would stay asleep. She loved him she did but she wasn't sure if she loved him as a friend or more but she had things to sort out first such as who the hell she was. Tim doesn't seem as worried as she does and she doesn't understand, she doesn't understand how he could be so calm. How he always put her first or how no one reported him missing, how no one is looking for this amazing being she has come to know.

She left a crack in the door not wanting to wake him up and slowly tiptoed down stairs and to the kitchen counter placing her diary down and then turning on a light. She knew the light wouldn't wake anyone up. Everyone was at least 2 rooms away and the light shouldn't flood through. She sat down and opened it to the first blank page she could find and wrote at the top : After the dark room.

She put pen to paper and the words just flowed and she felt empowered, how she could write it anyway she saw it and nobody could stop her, she was in control now.

Dear Diary,

I don't really know how to write this and I most definitely don't know how to react but I have been doing this for a while is seems so I'm going to give it a try starting from the beginning.

I'm Alexis Castle and I was kidnapped apparently. No not apparently I was. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that nothing was real during the time I was in the dark room, how someone took it upon themselves to wipe me of my memories and I still understand why, why they took me, why they took my memories and why aren't they coming back. I feel lost here how everyone expects me to be okay but I am far from it.

I had a dream about Detective Beckett's apartment blowing up and I can't decide if it really happened or not. I can't ask anyone because they are all asleep and I'm struggling to make sense of the most simplest things and I don't know what to do. It's so overwhelming. I woke up gasping for breath.

Alexis had to stop writing before she started to cry. It didn't matter if she cried, she had cried plenty of times in her life but she knew once she started to cry she wouldn't be able to stop and she didn't know if that was a door she was willing to open. Sometimes she wanted to run and just see where that took her, where she would end up and whether she would be okay. It was in that moment Alexis Castle wanted to be free. She just wanted to walk the city with no idea where she was going and make her way back home. She didn't know the city and she didn't really know anyone in it. She wanted to see Dr Waltner and she wanted to see the letters she wrote because she knew she wrote them even if it is just a suspicion.

She gathered her diary and pen and with a deep sigh closed her diary leaving it for another day but she had a thought and she wanted answers so she quietly walked over to dads room and opened the door to find him there with Detective Beckett, a line of pillows going down the middle and she smiled. She walked over to Beckett's side of the bed and gently knelt down in front of her and gently nudged her. Her eyes slowly blinked open and she looked around confused.

"Alexis ?" She whispered sleepily.

" Can I ask you a question ?"

She nodded sitting up ever so slightly trying to stay awake.

"Did I write letters to you guys when I went missing ?"

Beckett nodded again and this time she fully sat up and went to get out of bed and Alexis stood up and they both left the room together quietly.

"Do you remember writing the letters ?" Beckett asked as they sat down on the sofa facing each other legs crossed.

"No just a suspicion. Can I see these letters ?"

Beckett nodded and then there was a pause.

"Did your apartment really blow up ?" Beckett nodded and opened her mouth to say something but Alexis beat her to it, "I had a dream about it, random bits not like a movie just random things and dad was telling me to close and lock the door and to not let anyone in and then you were in my room and your apartment had blown up."

Beckett nodded again not really saying anything but Alexis put that down to the fact she was tired.

"I feel so lost sometimes." Alexis confessed looking at her hands resting in her lap.

"Why ?" Kate asked gently.

"I don't know. I feel like everyone is waiting for me to be okay again and I don't know if I ever will be."

"Don't worry everyone is different and everyone is okay with whoever you want to be."

"You don't understand."

"I don't but I'm trying." She said sleepily.

"Thank you" Alexis whispered. "I'm reading my diary."

"Yeah ?" Alexis nodded "And hows that going."

"There's a lot of tears but its going okay."

"If you ever want to talk I'm here."

"I know."

They were both startled when they heard a loud thump and then the quick opening of a door and a very sleepy but panicked Tim at the top of the stairs with a hand resting over his racing heart when he saw Alexis was okay.

"Thank God you're okay. I woke up and you weren't there and I panicked but you're okay and now I think I'm having a heart attack."

Alexis smiled "Go back to bed Tim I'll be back up in a minute."

Beckett smirked at their interaction and when she saw Tim leave she turned to whisper to Alexis "Whats going on between you and Tim ?"

"Nothing" Alexis said and sound slightly annoyed with the question. When she saw Beckett raised an eyebrow at her and she was smirking Alexis said "I like him I really, really do but I don't think he sees it or he doesn't want to be with me I just don't know."

"Really you think he doesn't like you. Lex he is head over heels for you."

"You really think ?" Alexis asked shyly.

"Yes I do."

Alexis sat there quietly and bit her lip. After a while she excused herself to go back to bed with Beckett doing the same thing once she saw Alexis walk up the stairs and heard her bedroom door closed.

All the while Alexis was thinking, does he really like me like that ?