Chapter Five: What Was Lost

Emma shifted in her seat, grimacing.

It had been half a day since Gold had cast the spell on himself. Regina had told them the spell would take a long time to execute, so they'd agreed to take shifts on watching Gold, watching Henry, resting and taking care of business. All except Neal, who stubbornly insisted on staying by his father's side. He barely even left to use the bathroom.

He was currently asleep, head pillowed on his arm on the side of the bed, where his hand held his father's. Emma watched him sleep, feeling a sad smile creep over her face.

She couldn't blame him. She knew how rocky things were between father and son, knew Neal was still angry at the man who had let him fall to this world alone. But she'd also heard Gold that day dying in his shop. The words he'd spoken.

'I'm full of love. I spent a lifetime looking for you. For a chance to say I love you.'

She'd watched Neal take his father's hands, holding him, anchoring him. Watched them, two men side by side, twin expressions of grief on their faces. So much anger, so much grief, so much love between them that it had hurt to watch.

Gold's face was still twisted in pain, reflection of whatever memory he was enduring. Emma took a hand towel and dunked it in the bowl Mary Margaret had brought in hours ago, after Regina had returned to the hospital, then used the water to wipe away the tears and sweat on Gold's face.

Gold flinched, anguish scoring lines in his face. "I'm sorry..."

She wondered who he was apologizing to. According to Neal, he'd been saying that the whole time, off and on, muttered snatches of regret and remorse and confession.

"Wonder which one that was." Emma jerked, startled.

Neal had woken at his father's cry and was watching him with sad eyes.

Emma swallowed hard. Then she sat back down and looked at him until Neal looked her in the eyes. "You wanna talk?"

She thought he might refuse, but after a moment Neal sighed. "My dad, before he became the Dark One...he was pretty different. Not like the man you know at all. Not like he was after the curse here either."

"Yeah? What was he like?"

"Gentle. Kind. People called him a coward." Neal shrugged. "I don't know, maybe he was, a little. But he never hurt anyone. He never used violence. My mama would scream and shout and insult him, and he'd never even raise his voice. The villagers would sneer at him, and he'd look ashamed, but he'd never...he never got angry. The only man I knew who never raised a hand to anyone."

He took a deep breath. "There was a family I stayed with. Used to talk about religion and stuff. One time, the other kids, they got into a fight, and their mom sat 'em down, gave them this lecture about settling things peaceful, turning the other cheek. And all I could think about was how my papa was, before he took the curse. And maybe I was a little ashamed of being the coward's son but...he was a good man. A good man. And then the Duke started taking kids for the war, and he went and took the Dark One's dagger, took the curse...and he..." Neal stopped, shook his head.

Emma let him stay quiet for a few minutes, then spoke softly. "He what?"

"He changed. The day after, when the soldiers came for me...it was like looking at a completely different person. He humiliated them, and then he killed them. Just, one, two, three, dagger to the heart. And I knew, I knew then...he wasn't my papa any more. He was a stranger wearing my dad's face and clothes, using my dad's voice and his words. The next couple of years, I kept trying, kept trying to bring him back, to get my dad back, to find some shred of the man he used to be, but..."

"Didn't work?" Emma could almost sympathize.

"He just kept getting worse and worse." Neal shook his head again. "He just...the deals, the violence...I was playing in the street one day, bunch of other kids, and one of the farmers accidentally clipped me with his cart. It was an accident, and it was my fault. I ran out in front of his donkey. Fell and skinned my knee. It wasn't serious. But then he showed up...everyone was falling over themselves to get out of his way. And he saw my knee...he turned that guy into a slug and stepped on him. Man with a family, who never did him any harm or anything. Because he could."

"Geez." She'd wondered why everyone seemed wary of Mr. Gold. She knew he had power equal to Regina or greater, but that kind of history… "Sounds pretty brutal."

"That's what the Dark One is. And there wasn't anything I could do to stop him. After a while, he just didn't listen to me. He took care of me, got me clothes and art supplies and food and everything I needed but...it wasn't the same. It was never the same after he got cursed."

Emma nodded. "Is that why you're angry at him? I mean, besides the deal he broke with you?"

There was a long moment of silence, then Neal nodded. "Yeah. I guess so." He heaved out a long breath. "He kept saying I was important to him, and I just keep wondering...if that was true, why didn't he listen to me?" He dropped his head to his chest.

Emma thought about Henry, about her early days in Storybrooke. "Sometimes, when you're a parent, it's hard. Especially if you wind up in a role, a position, you aren't prepared for. I mean, when I came here, with Henry…." She laughed a little. "I wasn't ready to be a mother. Really wasn't ready. And then he expected me to be this...this savior, this curse-breaking miracle woman or something. He kept telling me about all these things, about the people here and the people there in your world. And on top of that, I became the deputy, and then the sheriff, and I was fighting with Regina, and I was still trying to figure out how to be a decent mom..." She shook her head. "After a while, I just...I stopped listening. It was too much, too hard. I couldn't deal with it. I didn't want to believe. In the end, I might never have believed if Henry hadn't poisoned himself and put himself under the Sleeping Curse to make me listen."

She studied Gold's sleeping face, twisted in anguish. "Somehow, I don't think your dad expected to get cursed or become the Dark One. Maybe he never expected to be more than the man he was when he was your dad. And...maybe he just got overwhelmed too."

Neal sat for a long moment, his hand flexing restlessly around his father's. "You think so?"

Emma considered. She hadn't liked Gold when she'd first come to Storybrooke. She wasn't sure she liked him now. But she'd learned a lot about him after the curse broke, and on the trip to New York. He was a complicated man. But she'd seen him with Neal, and with Belle, and some with Henry when he'd realized the boy was his grandson. There was no denying that what he cared for, he cared for fiercely. "I think it's a possibility you shouldn't discount too quickly."

Neal studied her face for a moment, then jerked his head in one short nod. "Okay."

***SM***

He'd almost lost track of the unending images of brutality. His tears had long since dried, his soul too wracked with guilt to do anything more than watch in agony as each new atrocity was shown to him. Each unfair deal, each act of casual brutality pierced him with shame, but he had no more strength to react, not even to the Dark One's insane laughter in his ears.

And then they fell into a memory he knew better than almost any other, a memory that had haunted his mind and seared his soul for over two centuries.

A moonlit night in a clearing, where Bae held out his hand with a magic bean sparkling on it, and told him how he'd found a route to another world, a land without magic. A world where they could start over, and the dagger's curse would be reduced to nothing.

He was on his feet before he could think, reeling back. "No. Please...no. I can't watch this."

"No choice about that, dearie. After all, this is one of the big ones, isn't it? Your fall into Darkness." The Dark One snickered at his side.

"Please...no..." He lurched forward as Baelfire dropped the bean on the ground and a howling vortex appeared.

He watched, stricken, as he and his son both tumbled into the void, stopped by his dagger in the ground, his hand locked upon the hilt.

"You broke the deal..." The Dark One's voice was a mocking sing-song in his ears.

Bae was screaming at him to honor his deal, to keep his promise. He was screaming that he couldn't. And then Bae's hand slipped in his.

Bae's scream changed, from anger to fear. From 'keep your promise' to 'don't let go'.

"Oh Gods...please...I know I did wrong, I know I was a coward. I know I failed him, betrayed him. I know I was a fool. I made the wrong choice. I was too arrogant, too addicted to power." He wanted the memory to stop, wanted to close his eyes and stopper his ears.

Bae slipped and disappeared into the howling void.

"NO! Bae!" The scream ripped from his throat, even as the void closed and realization returned to his counterpart's eyes. Even as his past self dove toward the ground, screaming and digging frantically in the dirt. They were both howling in the agony of losing his son.

"I didn't mean to. I was just terrified. I didn't mean to. I was a fool and I know it...Bae, please, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I wanted to come with you, please, forgive me, let me come with you, I'm sorry, so sorry..."

"But you weren't completely, were you?" The cold, manic voice pierced him.

"I have never regretted anything more."

"Oh I know, dearie. But this is all about honesty. And let's be honest, even if you couldn't follow your son into the portal, there were other things you might have done. You didn't have to let him go."

"I lost my grip..." He couldn't face this. He couldn't...

"So you did. But that's not really believable when you look at it, is it now?" The Dark One sneered at him, his memory counterpart collapsed and weeping in the dirt between them. "You're the Dark One, dearie. You can transport yourself, and other people. You have greater strength than most, when you want it. You have a whole arsenal of spells. And you couldn't stop the boy from falling in. And why is that, dearie?"

"I..."

"I know why." The Dark One snickered. "He called you that word. Called you a coward. Besides, rather a millstone around your neck, wasn't he? Always complaining about your job. Always whining about the deals you made. Never could appreciate what you were doing for him. Protecting him, giving him things, making sure he was cared for. And it was always 'don't don't don't' and fuss, fuss, fuss wasn't it? Bet you wanted to be free of all that nagging, didn't you?"

"I loved my son."

"Oh I know it dearie. None better. But the truth's the truth, and truth's what you need here. You know what they say, the truth shall set you free!" The Dark One laughed again. "So...if it's freedom you want to see your boy again, it's the truth you'll have to tell. So tell."

Truth. Rumplestiltskin swallowed hard.

When Bae had called him a coward, it had hurt. They'd had their arguments in increasing numbers over the months after his transformation, but never had Bae called him coward. With all the things his son had gotten angry at him for, he had never stooped to the insults the villagers had once taunted him with, never used the words that had once been flung at him in derision.

He had known that Bae was trying to goad him, but the truth was that the words had stung, all the more for the ring of honesty in them. And just for that moment, he had been angry and hurt. And all the frustration he tried not to feel when Bae snarled at him about his deals, or turned him away for one reason or the other, or harped on him about his curse, had risen to the surface, stung to waking by that one word. Coward.

Only a moment of hurt. A flash-fire instant. But then, that was all that was needed to say words one couldn't take back. All that was needed to become a Dark One.

All that was needed for his hand to open, just a little, and let his boy fall.

"I let him go. I was angry, hurt, and I let him fall." He doubled over, face pressing into the dirt, anguish knifing through him like a blade. "I didn't mean to, but I was so angry, so hurt when he called me that...but it was true, he was only telling me the truth as he saw it, he was only trying to get me to let go, and I did...but of the wrong thing. Oh gods, Bae, Bae, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it, I was only angry...it was just that...oh, Bae, I'm so sorry..."

The words choked him, sobs tearing through him, the force of his regret so deep it felt it would literally tear him in two.

Oh Bae, my sweet boy, I am so sorry...

***SM***

One moment Gold was quiet, save for the occasional whimper or whisper. The next, everything went sideways.

Emma had been paging through her emails and considering a cup of coffee when Gold moaned "Oh Gods..."

His tone made hair stand up on the back of Emma's neck. She put her phone down and hollered for Neal, who'd gone to the restroom. "Neal!"

Neal popped back through the door just as Gold exploded into motion, howling like a man gone mad. He jolted up off the bed, wrenching at the chains. "No! Bae! Bae!"

Emma barely managed to duck in time to avoid a broken nose. "What the hell?"

Gold's hands wrenched at the chains again, clawing the air in front of him. "Bae, please! Please! I didn't...I didn't mean it...please son, I want to come with you! Please...Bae! Bae!" His expression was twisted in agony.

He fought the chains for several more minutes, guttural moans wrenching from his throat until he was hoarse. Then he went limp, hands flung over his face as tears poured down his cheeks. "Bae, Bae, I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. God's Bae...I didn't mean it. I'm so sorry." He shuddered and fell silent then, tears streaking his face. Emma was about to reach across him for the washcloth when a broken whisper emerged from his throat. "I'm so sorry...I was just angry...just hurt...it was just for a moment...I'm so sorry Bae. I never meant to...I'm so sorry...Bae, my sweet boy..."

The words died away. Emma looked across the room at Neal.

Neal was standing where he'd stopped, halfway to his father's side. His face was pale. "Papa..."

She swallowed hard. "Guess we know what that was."

"When I went through the portal." Neal's jaw worked. His eyes were shining, as if he was fighting back tears. "He said he regretted it, that he spent a lifetime trying to find me...I wasn't sure..." He stopped and swallowed again. "I wondered before if he really loved me, or if he was just saying that."

"I don't think there's a question anymore." Emma felt a lump in her own throat. The anguish in Gold's voice...it was too much like her feelings when Henry had eaten that poisoned turnover and collapsed in front of her.

"No." Neal took the last few steps to the bed, wavering, then fell to his knees beside his father's contorted body. "I did hurt him. For so long, I wanted to believe it was all his fault, but I did hurt him." A single tear broke free to slide down his face. "I'm sorry too, Papa." He reached out and gently took one of Gold's hands, cradling it in his own.

Emma saw a dark stain on Gold's sleeve. A quick check revealed a similar stain on the arm closer to her. She gently ran a finger across it. Her finger came up red. "Neal. He's bleeding." She unbuttoned the cuff of Gold's sleeve and worked it gently from underneath the cuff to reveal an ugly raw abrasion. It looked like someone had stripped the skin from his arm in a horizontal slice. "Looks like he hurt himself fighting the restraints." She found more than one wound, testament to the violence of Gold's struggles.

Neal copied her motions and revealed similar wounds on the arm he held. "Guess we should see if Papa left a medicine kit here."

"Yeah. I'll go look." Emma set Gold's arm down and stood up. She could feel her eyes stinging and a lump in her throat.

It took her a few minutes to find the kit, stashed under a bathroom sink. She brought it back, along with some fresh water. Then she and Neal tended to Gold's arms, trading peroxide and ointment and bandages back and forth across the unconscious man, until all the raw cuts had been cleaned and bandaged. Afterward, Neal used some spare lengths of gauze to muffle both cuffs. Then he rearranged his father to lie more comfortably. Emma helped, rearranging pillows and straightening blankets while Neal supported his father and wiped the sweat and tears from his face. They finally got him settled, wrapped in a blanket and propped on the pillows. By the time they were done, Gold's breathing had settled back into the slow rhythms of before.

But he hadn't stopped crying. Slow tears continued to leak from his eyes, down his face. His mouth was drawn tight in pain as he wept silently.

Neal watched his father, then reached out and brushed a wayward lock of hair away from his face. Then he took up the washcloth and began to wipe away his father's tears, his hands tender and gentle. "It's okay Papa. It's okay. I'll be waiting right here for you, when you come out of this. And you're never gonna lose me again."

Emma felt like a rock the size of Everest had lodged itself in her throat. Suddenly, it was hard to breathe. Watching Neal, thinking of Henry...

She stood, unable to sit and watch any longer. "Hey...I'm gonna go get some air. Maybe some food or something..."

Neal didn't even look up. Emma stood a moment, then turned and almost bolted through the door, reaching for her cell phone as she went.

She needed to see Henry.

Author's Note: So...big event here

Next time...someone else is going to get involved.