A/N: I'm alive! Sorry for disappearing like that, real life got in the way. Anyway, let's go!
Story 3.2: Kawasaki Saki steps forward
In retrospect, the three of us deciding to play that card game was grossly out of character.
The old Service Club was a club with a strict, definable pattern – Yukinoshita and I would sit at opposite ends of the room, reading our books in silence, waiting for Yuigahama's appearance to bring sound to the room. Yuigahama would bring the necessary noise in the room to create the illusion of conversation, prompting Yukinoshita and I to reply and correct her mistakes.
Yukinoshita and I were people who stuck to our own rhythm and did things at our own pace, so we rarely deviated from our everyday activities. In other words, we were content to do the same things every day, following the set patterns we had set for ourselves.
Still, Yuigahama was the outlier – constantly forcing us to do things we normally wouldn't do, dragging us to karaoke places, amusement parks, shopping malls, and the like. If I were to put it another way, Yuigahama was the 'chaotic force' that disrupted the stagnating club room. A closed-off room was peaceful but also stagnant – no energy could circulate in or out. If Yukinoshita and I were a Reality Marble, Yuigahama was the planet, breaking down our closed-off world.[1]
It was a simple reminder that we could not go on doing the same things forever – nothing was permanent.
The warmth circulating in this club room was not permanent.
The smell of warm tea permeating every inch of the room would fade away eventually.
(…the warm sensation gripping my hands–)
This was the second law of thermodynamics at work. In simple terms, you could call it entropy – the idea in which heat slowly escapes our bodies, never to be recovered. No matter how much you strive to recreate energy, you could never truly recapture it. Much like how you strived to recapture lost memories and lost time, it was impossible to recreate what has been lost.
Entropy was an irreversible, one-way street.
The warmth in this room would not remain forever.
For one, a truly sealed-off room would have no air circulating in it, which would undoubtedly kill anyone in it for lack of oxygen. As such, it was a necessity to establish contact with the outside world – windows, doors, and cracks in the wall. No matter how hard you worked at keeping a closed-off room to resist the outside world, sooner or later the world will force you to open up your enclosed space.
This also meant that things leaked out from inside the room. The warm sensation produced by our rusty heater, the smell of warm tea brewed for three, the voices emanating from within the room – they all ran the risk of escaping the confines of the room, no matter how much we tried to keep them inside. It was an unavoidable fact that, no matter how hard we tried to contain everything, things leak out into the outside world.
To put it simply, not even our club room could remain eternally warm. Its inhabitants, after all, will have to leave eventually, forced to allow the cold February winds to penetrate the room and erase all signs of our warmth and presence.
This was a natural process, of course. There is simply no reason to bemoan such a fact. Even our memories are fleeting, ephemeral, and bound to disappear one day. Everything we do during our precious high school days will disappear in the maze of adulthood, to be recalled only as shameful memories to be dredged up years later – events that could never truly be recaptured or replicated.
Even so–
"Am I bothering you guys?"
The warmth in this room will obviously disappear if someone opens the door without knocking.
"This… this doesn't look like a good time, so, uh, I'll just step outside, ok…?"
It's an unavoidable scientific law. Even someone as ignorant with the sciences as I am was aware of what happens when you open a closed-off room without warning.
Heat escapes the room, and the cold comes rushing in.
(…even so, the warmth that permeates through the palm of our hands is—)
"W-we're just playing a game, Saki-san!"
"P-please, don't mind us and come inside, Kawasaki-san."
"This isn't what it looks like, Kawasaki!"
Yuigahama, Yukinoshita, and I blurted out the cliché anime lines almost at the same time. At the very least, our words weren't the same – wouldn't that have been more embarrassing? All three of us turned towards the interloper, Kawasaki Saki, who had, without warning, opened the door in the middle of our card game.
Kawasaki replied by looking beyond us, her eyes fixed on the table where our cards lay. "Um, that's…it's kind of awkward to stay here, so I'll let you guys…finish whatever it is you guys are doing." Kawasaki was fidgeting, looking around the room to avoid looking directly at the three of us
What we're doing? Kawasaki-san, what exactly are you implying? We're not doing anything illegal here, you know? We're not gambling away our entire tuition fee or anything over a simple card game, you know?[2]
And really, Kawasaki's sudden entrance had made the room's temperature drop below acceptable levels. A chill wind enveloped our bodies as wind from the outside world rushed inside. I felt my bones shiver as coldness invaded my senses. The only thing that remained warm was—
—ah, the warm hands clasping my own.
In that moment, our personal Reality Marble came crashing down.
-0-
"So, what did you want to talk about?" I asked the visitor to our room.
Kawasaki was sitting in front of the three of us, like almost all of the Service Club's previous clients. Come to think of it, this was the first time Kawasaki was consulting us in person, huh?
She was seated properly now, her posture straight and upright. Her hands were resting atop her lap, covering her skirt from any unwarranted sightseers. Her shoulders were surprisingly svelte, instead of the broad and imposing image I had imagined most female delinquents possessed. She had her hair tied up neatly in a ponytail with very few stray strands of hair, instead of the lazy mess I had expected a female delinquent would have. Her uniform was surprisingly clean as well and well-maintained as well. The only thing that hinted at messiness was the top button of her shirt being undone, giving me access to what was hidden beneath it, but I didn't look. Not at all.
She took a deep breath, causing her chest to contract and expand. I could faintly make out the outlines of her chest struggling against her shirt, and I shifted my eyes away, hoping that my companions wouldn't notice. To my relief, Yuigahama was focused on gently looking at Kawasaki, awaiting her words. Yukinoshita, on the other hand, was busy burying daggers into Kawasaki with her eyes. Well, that was her default look towards everyone, so it didn't matter.
"…it's a personal matter." Kawasaki finally muttered.
"You keep saying it's none of our business, but we would be finished with this business if you just came out and said it," Yukinoshita replied.
"I keep telling you people, it doesn't involve your club!" Kawasaki hastily replied. "Why do you have to make things so complicated?"
"Ah, Saki-san, don't mind Yukino, she can be a little harsh…h-haha…" Yuigahama intervened, as Kawasaki was becoming more and more angry. "Look, we want to help as best we can, ok? Hikki's problems are just as much ours."
"Why do you make it sound like I can't do anything on my own?" I add, as I glare towards Yuigahama, who was blowing me a raspberry. Now isn't exactly the time to act like a kid, you know.
"It's certainly true that Hikigaya-kun is the type of person who would find himself in over his head when confronting a problem." Yukinoshita added to the conversation. "Unfortunately, he's also the kind of person who would refuse to seek out anyone's help until it's too late."
"I-I don't think I can refute that statement…"
Kawasaki followed our banter, before coughing again to grab our attention.
"I really don't want to talk about this in strangers…but it certainly does involve Hikigaya and me." Kawasaki sighed. She scratched her head in annoyance as her posture relaxed. "Hikigaya, do you know what time your sister gets home tonight?"
At the mention of "sister", my ears perked up.
"Huh? Why are you interested in Komachi?" I asked, as my eyes narrowed even further. I had hoped that my threatening eyes would ferret out more information from Kawasaki. Unfortunately, she must have had her defenses up after being threatened by Yukinoshita's icy looks, as my narrowed eyes had no effect. "She usually gets home a little later than me."
"That's 'coz she's hanging out with her friends, isn't she?" Yuigahama added innocently.
Still, her innocent remark was like an arrow straight to the heart…! "T-that's certainly true, but the way you put it kind of pisses me off, Yuigahama."
"We certainly can't help it if Komachi-san is well-adjusted compared to Hikigaya-kun…" Yukinoshita sighed in sadness as she compared Komachi's social life with mine. I get it, I'm a disgrace compared to my sister, but did you really have to twist the knife even more?
"Look, just humor me here. Can you call your sister and ask her what time she gets home tonight?" Kawasaki insisted, placing her hands on the table. Outside, the sun was setting, and the sports teams were wrapping up their practice sessions. Outside our school, students all over Chiba were already making their daily commute home, or to some other popular place for students to hang out in. Somewhere out there, Komachi was loitering around with her friends.
"Alright, alright…" I replied. I took out my rarely used smartphone and searched for Komachi's number. My list of contacts was incredibly small in the first place, so it basically took no time to find Komachi's name. After a few rings, I heard that distinctive voice I knew all too well emanate from my phone.
"Yahallo! This is Komachi speaking." The voice at the other end of the line was unreasonably cheery. In the background, I could hear the murmurs of people, indicating that she was at some random mall with lots of people passing by.
"Komachi, you know it's me, you have my contacts saved." I berated her inability to greet her brother properly.
"N-no way?! My trashy brother actually bothered calling me for once? U-unbelievable! Has my poor, pathetic, idiot brother finally learned how to use his phone for more than just mobile games with 2D anime women?" Komachi's mock-surprise tone was surprisingly annoying, huh. "No way! You've never used your phone to call me ever, so I deleted you from my contact list!"
"Dumbass, we text each other all the time. Don't delete my number from your contacts, what if there's an emergency?"
"That's not a problem, your contact details are all saved in your lil' sister's heart! Oh, I'm sure that earned me a lot of Komachi points!"
I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm sure it did. Look, where are you right now?"
"Um, I'm at a nearby bookstore with some of my friends. We're looking for reference books and extra preparatory material for exams. I'll be home a little bit later than usual, I think! Don't worry about lil' ol' me and have a good time yourself, bro!"
"Alright, got it."
"Wait, why are you ask-"
I ended the call right there before Komachi could add anything else to the conversation. I sent Komachi a short text saying "No reason," before placing my phone inside my pocket.
I looked at Kawasaki and said, "She's with her friends. She's gonna be late."
Kawasaki made a strained face at my statement, as if staring at me in disbelief. If I could read her face right now, it would definitely say "Huhhhhh, are you suuuuure? You don't sound suuuure, you knoooooooooow?"
"It's probably nothing serious, but… I've been looking through Taishi's messages lately." Kawasaki began.
"That sounds incredibly intrusive." I tell her, groaning inwardly. "There's some things you can't do, even if you're siblings, you know."
"Huh? What kind of older sister doesn't look out for her younger siblings?" Kawasaki fired back, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Tch, this damn brocon…
"W-wow, I didn't know Saki-san cared about her siblings this much…" Yuigahama said, her eyes sparkling in admiration.
Oh, that's right. Yuigahama probably wasn't familiar with Kawasaki's interactions with her siblings, outside that one case with Taishi. She probably doesn't know how much Kawasaki dotes on her younger brother Taishi, or how the only time she smiles is when she's texting him or watching over her sister Keika when she gets up on stage and performs as an angel. That was just the kind of person Kawasaki Saki was.
Come to think of it, I was probably the only one aware of Kawasaki's close ties with her siblings, huh?
"I-it's only natural," Kawasaki stuttered, her cheeks flushed red. "What kind of elder sister would I be if I didn't worry about what my younger brother is up to?"
"I believe in respecting the privacy of my sister." I tell Kawasaki. "We're both incredibly private people, and besides, just because we're siblings doesn't mean we're obligated to look out for each other."
"I have to agree with Hikigaya-kun." Yukinoshita added. "Perhaps you find such behavior acceptable, but to me such intrusion into my personal business is disagreeable. If I found my own sister ruffling through my mails, I probably would be annoyed, even angered."
Somehow, I could imagine Yukinoshita Haruno surreptitiously stealing Yukinoshita's phones and sending out joke messages to Yukinoshita's acquaintances, just to shock them. On the other hand, does Yukinoshita even have anyone in her contact list besides Yuigahama and her family?
"What, and this isn't being intrusive? This is a family thing and you're butting in." Kawasaki angrily replied.
"This and that are two different matters." Yukinoshita swiftly fired back, crossing her arms. I could see the sparks of electricity emanating from their eyes, clashing in mid-air, producing powerful, imaginary crackles of power.
"N-now…" Yuigahama immediately intervened. "So, Saki-san, what's this about your brother?"
"I was getting to that." Kawasaki coughed. "So, I was reading through Taishi's mails last night and I found an unfamiliar name and e-mail address. So I read through the messages."
I felt my heart beat faster as cold sweat broke out throughout my body. Everything suddenly clicked into place – why Kawasaki sought me out specifically, why she asked me where Komachi was, why she was so insistent not to involve Yuigahama and Yukinoshita.
"Kawasaki." I managed to cough out. "This unfamiliar name - was it Komachi?"
"There was a different name registered," Kawasaki explained. "I wasn't sure at first who it was, so I asked Taishi."
"Huh?! You just asked your brother?!" Yuigahama exclaimed. "But, like, aren't you poking around his love life?"
"Not necessarily," I corrected Yuigahama. "Kawasaki could easily have phrased it in a lot of ways so it doesn't sound like she's snooping around. For example, she could pass it off as a joke. Let's say she grabs her brother's phone while he's playing around with it. She could use that as a chance to ask him who he's busy messaging."
I grinned as I gave them my sage advice, learned through years of loner training. As someone who rarely received texts, I had mastered the art of text messaging by messing with my sister's phone and reading through the list of contacts to make fun of her, mocking her incessantly for being a social butterfly instead of a superior loner like myself. What's thaaaaat? You and X-chan have a problem with Y-kun? What a paaaaain! Take it from me, putting up with all these social niceties is just a pain! No waaaaay, is Z-chan crushing on A-kun, but A-kun likes B-chan better? That's cute! Really cute!
Komachi's inbox was filled to the brim with frustrated classmates and friends pouring out their concerns for her. At one point I had wondered if this was an advanced form of bullying, but Komachi brushed it off as her natural friendliness. From an outsider's perspective, though, she was basically the dumping ground for everyone's problems - and everyone looked up to her as someone who could give them advice. In that regard, my sister was a dependable person.
"Hikigaya-kun." Yukinoshita suddenly spoke up, breaking me out of my monologue. "Suddenly, my respect for Komachi-san has increased dramatically. She must be a saint to be able to put up with your antics."
"Ugh...Hikki's the worst. Hasn't anyone told you a girl's cellphone is more important than her life?" Yuigahama added. Wait, where did that saying come from?
"I wouldn't sink that low." Kawasaki rebuked. She was grimacing now, looking at me like some kind of pathetic bug. "I just asked Taishi about it and said it was a friend."
"But you don't believe it. You think Komachi's involved." I said. "Otherwise, why seek me out?"
Kawasaki suddenly stiffened, her cheeks faintly turning red as she straightened her posture again and looked at all three of us. "Y-yeah... that's why I wanted to talk to you. No other reason..." She turned away from all three of us, her shoulders fidgeting nervously.
"I understand." Yukinoshita nodded, her cold gaze aimed at Kawasaki finally weakening. "So this is why you wish to enlist Hikigaya-kun's help. But still, why do you think it's Komachi your brother is secretly messaging? Why would he go to such lengths to hide any relationship with Hikigaya-kun's sister?"
As always, Yukinoshita's calm, rational logic was flawless. Nevertheless, she was sorely lacking in data - after all, she had no idea how much time Komachi and Taishi spend together. After all, she wasn't aware of the secret plan to support Isshiki Iroha's presidency, which was spearheaded by Komachi with Taishi's help.
"...Taishi doesn't have a lot of female friends." Kawasaki mentioned under her breath. "And I could tell the person he was texting was a girl, since it sounds different from when he talks to his male friends."
Kawasaki was trembling now, as if she was letting out a torrent of emotions held in check. "I'm just... I don't want Taishi to jump into these things unprepared. He still has to prepare for high school entrance exams, and a relationship at this point might mess with his studies. You know how much stress those kids go through when trying to get into high school."
I knew all too well what Kawasaki was talking about - Komachi, after all, was undergoing the same problems. Acquaintances and groups of friends were fractured and split apart by the pressure of academic performance, and nowhere was this more obvious than what kind of high schools students got into. If you were unlucky, and were the only kid in your class to get into a fairly good high school, while the rest would remain together, it was likely that you were going to be ostracized. And if in a group of friends, you alone would fail an entrance exam, things would be awkward- your friends would be celebrating while you wallowed in your anger and disappointment.
For someone like me, who chose this high school precisely to get away from my middle school past, it was no big deal - I could handle being ostracized and set apart. How different was it from normal? But for Komachi, it was a terrifying web of social gymnastics - the pressure to do your best and get into a good school, but at the same time avoiding hurting anyone else's feelings. You tried your best, but at the same time avoided standing out too much. If you stood out too much, you would be hated; if you slacked off too much, you would be left behind.
In many ways, striving to keep with your group was more difficult than going at it alone.
Unsurprisingly, Kawasaki worried about these practical things. She obviously wanted the best for Taishi - but it was difficult to tell what was best for Taishi. Hence her dilemma.
"I just... I just want to know what Taishi is thinking. I want to know if your sister's a good influence on my brother."
Like any good older sibling, Kawasaki Saki desperately wanted to understand Kawasaki Taishi.
After all, you weren't guaranteed complete and utter understanding of someone, just because you were siblings.
And so, I had to respond in kind.
"Heh. I don't like how you phrase that." I let out an arrogant chuckle. "If anything, I should be asking you that. Is your brother worthy of my sister?"
I sneer at Kawasaki, who replied by shaking off her nervousness and fear and glaring at me. "Huh? What was that? Were you shittalking my brother?"
As expected, that damn brocon reacted defensively.
"Uh, so basically," Yuigahama interjected, "you just want to make sure Komachi-chan and Taishi-kun aren't doing anything...wrong, right? And that it isn't interfering with their preparation for entrance exams."
"Pretty much, yeah." Kawasaki replied. "I want to get this guy to help me follow those two around today and see what they're up to. According to the mails I read they're supposed to meet up today somewhere near the school they're attending."
"I see." I reply. "It is unusual for Komachi to come home late. And if what you say is true, then she's already lying to me. Kuh, that damn Taishi, teaching my little sister to lie to her beloved older brother..."
"Gross, Hikki..." Yuigahama frowned. Yukinoshita sighed and placed her fingers against her forehead, in anticipation of an oncoming migraine.
"Stop saying that stuff about my brother!" Kawasaki angrily replied. Seriously, your responses are getting a little too predictable there, Kawasaki.
-0-
Ultimately, we agreed that the best course of action was to stalk- I mean, silently observe Taishi and Komachi's meeting. Thankfully, the place those two were meeting at was a fairly conspicuous spot, a somewhat low-key family restaurant - there was a cafe across it where we could hide and keep a low profile, and as long as we were careful we wouldn't be spotted.
For our little stakeout to succeed, however, we needed to cut down on personnel. That's why one-man sneaking missions are popular. Isn't that right, Snake?
Because Yuigahama and Yukinoshita had no personal stake in this incident, they were automatically ruled out of the sneaking mission. Furthermore, one guy sitting alone in a cafe was rather suspect, especially for someone who looked as shifty as me, so Kawasaki was to come along.
At least, that was how I understood Kawasaki's intentions for her strange request.
We agreed on meeting at the entrance of the school in thirty minutes - because we were in a hurry, Kawasaki (at my insistence) would call a cab. This was the second day in a row I was rushing someplace else using a taxi, although this time I was paying for it. Somehow, it feels like I've been rushing all over the place these days...
After I helped Yuigahama and Yukinoshita clean up, I separated from them at the entrance of the school and met up with Kawasaki, who had already hailed a cab. We gave the directions at the driver, entered the car, and sat at opposite sides of the cab in silence.
That was when I realized just how ludicrous this entire scenario was.
"Hey, Kawasaki."
"What?"
"Why didn't you just approach me in class, instead of going to the clubroom?"
If she just wanted to talk to me, there was no reason to drag the Service Club into it. Sure, Yukinoshita browbeat Kawasaki into turning it into an official club request, but she could have just talked to me before I headed to club, or in between periods, or something else entirely. Considering how much she complained about Yukinoshita being pushy, she could have avoided it entirely by not going to the clubroom.
"...didn't know what to say..."
"Huh?"
"I didn't know what to say," Kawasaki whispered in a low voice. "When I first approached you at lunch I had an entire speech planned out and everything, so I wouldn't forget what to say."
I tilted my head towards her. I felt like someone out of a Shaft anime. "What do you mean? A speech?"
Kawasaki lowered her head. "I was," she began to say, before her voice trailed off. "I was... when I realized I had to talk to Yuigahama and Yukinoshita as well, I froze up. Forgot my entire spiel. So I kept babbling the same things, over and over."
I narrowed my gaze. "What does that have do with anything?"
"I don't know!" Kawasaki suddenly blurted out. "I had my entire proposal laid out in my head, but when I saw you with the two of them my brain just froze up." Her face began turning a deep shade of crimson. I could feel her radiate extreme warmth from her cheeks, resisting the despair of the cold atmosphere outside the car we were riding in. "I wanted to approach you after class, but instead of waiting for everyone to leave you slipped out of the room so fast!"
"Slipped out of the room...?" It's true that, up until recently, I always pretended to be asleep after class ended, if only so I could be one of the last students to leave the classroom. There really wasn't any reason for me to stay unless I had classroom duty, but I didn't have anything to do either, so I didn't bother rushing out of the classroom.
"I tried to follow you, but when I caught up with you, you were already walking with Yuigahama, so..."
My eyes widened at her comment Crap, she noticed I was walking with Yuigahama? This was bad for her social standing in our class…
"Yeah…Kawasaki, I'd like it if you didn't mention stuff like that to anyone else," I murmured, rubbing the side of my nose to stamp out a persistent itch. "There's…there's really no reason for you to feel all weird or anything if you see us walking together, since we're in the same club. It would be especially bad for Yuigahama if anyone noticed we're spending a lot of time together, so…"
Kawasaki cocked her eyes at me, staring quizzically at me like I said something outrageous. "I really don't think you're tricking anyone. Everyone knows you and Yuigahama spend a lot of time together with Yukinoshita."
(…even so, the warmth that permeates the palm of our hands is—)
"Is that so." I replied, without a hint of emotion in my voice. Silence reigned between us for a few minutes.
"…I guess I'm jealous." Kawasaki suddenly blurted, after a few uncomfortable moments of silence. "At first I thought you were just as bad as I was at interacting with other people, but then you get along so well with Yuigahama and Yukinoshita. Whenever I see you with them you seem more…relaxed, for lack of a better word. Barring all the weird stuff last Christmas, you guys definitely don't act like complete strangers."
I thought you were someone like me, her words screamed out from a hidden place in her heart.
It was a common mistake, one that I was prone to making all the time. Human beings were creatures who tended to connect events and incidents that seemingly had no connections, and forced them together to form coherent narratives. Human beings, too, interact with other people by imposing their prejudices and expectations upon another person.
But that wasn't the case, was it? The only person you only ever truly understand completely is yourself. As such, when interacting with other people, you gain an understanding of them by contrasting them with your own – "Ah, this person's character is completely different from mine," or "Ah, this person's character is similar to mine." From such early judgments you form your understanding of a person, and your decision of whether or not you chose to associate with them. In other words, you judge other people at first glance by seeing if you have bits of your personality in them or not.
But that's a horrendously arrogant thing to do, isn't it? For humans to impose their own value-judgments on other people and expect them to live up to it or risk disappointing the perceiver is a terrible thing.
And so, Kawasaki Saki thought we were fundamentally similar people. Maybe I thought the same, too. After all, we had similar circumstances – siblings we cared about, difficulty interacting with our classmates, a natural aura that repelled most people. That was probably why, even after all this time, we managed to hold conversations, despite having no interest in each other – because, in our arrogance, we believed there was something common between us. It was something that I was increasingly learning was not true with anyone I had ever interacted with.
"You're overthinking things," I tell Kawasaki. "I'm not that close with Yukinoshita and Yuigahama. If anything, we're finding out just how little we know about each other."
Kawasaki narrowed her eyes even further, but loosened her tight gaze and let out a weary smile. "I just think you're lucky, is all. You have your sister, and you have your club. From what I can tell, you guys are tight." She sighed and scratched the side of her head, for one moment looking like the delinquent her image suggested. "All I have are my siblings, and recently I feel like I'm losing touch with 'em. Taishi, especially."
"So you think you don't understand Taishi at all anymore?"
"Pretty much, yeah. I know that's part of growing up, but it's frustrating to me. I thought that if there was anything I could rely on, it was that I could always be close with Taishi, talk to him when I'm feeling down, or that he'll do the same, but now he's keeping secrets from me and he doesn't tell me if anything's wrong or if he's having trouble with studies." Kawasaki lowered her head and gripped the hem of her skirt. "And now I'm feeling all helpless about it, so I reach out to get you because I thought you would understand, since we're in similar circumstances. Pathetic, huh?"
I just want to understand, Kawasaki was screaming inside.
Just because you were siblings didn't mean your relationship was anything special. The bond between siblings does not necessarily become stronger just because of blood ties. If anything, it's even more frustrating when you fail to understand your brother or your sister, because common sense dictates you should know family, at the very least.
Kawasaki Saki wanted to understand Kawasaki Taishi.
Out of the blue, I suddenly thought of an elder sister, elsewhere, with a younger sister she relentlessly bullied and doted on. Now, why did I suddenly think of her?
"…I understand." I finally blurt out. "It isn't pathetic at all, Kawasaki. If anything, it's admirable that you want to do this."
Kawasaki stiffened, her face reddening as she processed my words.
"I-I… you…" Her words came out in halted stutters. In response, I looked out my side of the car window to create distance and silence. Outside, the world was in constant movement, a barrage of scenes that appeared in one second and disappeared in the next. Fleeting, rapid images. Things that were seen in one moment and lost to time the next, never to be recovered again. Like the world outside, the words that should have been uttered were lost to the passage of time, like the view from a speeding car.
"…can't believe I'm telling Hikigaya-kun all of this." Kawasaki finally blurted out, as we spent the rest of the ride in silence.
-0-
Once we arrived at our destination, Kawasaki immediately zeroed in on the best table in a café – one that had a good view of the restaurant that Komachi and Taishi were meeting in. In retrospect, it was a dumb idea, as it was blatantly obvious that we could be seen from our position, but I didn't have the heart to tell Kawasaki otherwise, who was now in full brocon mode.
We waited in silence, me sipping my MAX Coffee and Kawasaki tapping her fingers against the table over and over again, producing a rhythm that I found somewhat soothing amidst the buzz of the crowds walking past our location. The café we were in was located across the street from where the restaurant was, and every now and then cars would speed by to obstruct our view. Housewives passed by as well, clutching that night's dinner in a plastic bag. Groups of middle school kids would walk past us, gossiping about the latest news or TV show they were watching. Sweaty kids heading home from soccer or baseball practice would run past us, bumping into groups of high school couples, who screamed at the kids for not being careful.
In other words, this was a regular, after-school scene.
Or, at least, I assumed, this was – I never had the chance to live out this kind of life, after all.
Kawasaki's incessant tapping immediately stopped when I realized a certain pair of middle school students making their way to the restaurant.
There was also no denying the fact that the two were holding hands.
Almost immediately, the person beside me sprang into action and got out of her seat. I had no choice but to follow. Conflicting emotions welled up from inside my heart, unsure of how to react to the scene that had appeared in front of us. Kawasaki's face also betrayed the maelstrom of emotions engulfing her – her eyes were trembling as if on the verge of tears and her breathing became shallow and quick.
Perhaps, by instinct, Kawasaki grabbed my hands to drag me after her, not that I needed to be dragged. As we rushed our way across the street, ignoring the potential cars crossing the street, I could not help but note the cold, clammy feeling engulfing my left hand. Kawasaki had broken out into a cold sweat.
I looked at Kawasaki again, whose face was now a mixture of despair and confusion. She threw a short glance at me, and her face looked as if it was contorted in pain and ignorance, as if to say I don't know what I'm doing. Kawasaki, in other words, was doing things out of the onrush of emotions that welled up inside her.
"Please help me, Hikigaya-kun."
Kawasaki managed to blurt out. I had no response but to nod.
When we finally crossed the street, I confirmed with my own eyes what we had seen from afar – my sister, Komachi, and Kawasaki's brother, Taishi, were together. My eyes zeroed in on the two middle school students' hands, and confirmed that the two were holding hands. I looked again at Komachi, who looked as if she was shocked at our appearance. Taishi's face betrayed the same look, one that screamed What are they doing here? for all the world to see.
Like so many times today, an uncomfortable silence surrounded the four of us – Kawasaki and me on one side and Komachi and Taishi on the other. Kawasaki was slowly catching her breath, swallowing as much air as possible to reinforce her weakened lungs. I decided it was more prudent to stay behind and allow Kawasaki to speak first, as it was her request in the first place, and I was simply there to assist.
"T-Taishi… what are you doing here?" Kawasaki finally managed to blurt out.
Taishi's response was to turn his head away, with a look of guilt breaking out on his face. He gritted his teeth, unable to say anything, and from my vantage point I could see his hands tremble, nestled in Komachi's own.
"Ah, Saki-san…" Komachi began to explain in Taishi's stead. "This isn't, this isn't what it looks li-"
"It definitely looks like something to me!" Kawasaki almost screamed. I could feel the eyes of people around us, focusing on the scene that was unfolding in front of the family restaurant. "Taishi, didn't I ask you where you were going today?"
"I-I did…" Taishi managed to stutter out, but Kawasaki immediately cut him off.
"You lied to me! You said you were with your friends, but now you're with her?"
I wanted to cut Kawasaki off – no matter how she felt, the way she phrased her sentence seems to imply she despised the very idea of Komachi's existence. Still, a part of me felt as if I understood where Kawasaki's rage was coming from. She had explained as much to me, on the way here. At its core, Kawasaki was simply looking out for Taishi, in her own, messed up way – it was just that she was terrible at expressing herself to her younger brother. Hadn't she admitted it herself? She was having a hard time connecting with her siblings. Even now, everything she had planned out, the script she undoubtedly had in her head, the speeches she probably had planned out: everything was discarded in the face of sheer, unbridled emotion sweeping her away.
Kawasaki Saki was a clumsy girl who had no idea how to talk to people. If there's any character assessment I could give of her that was it. She acted the same way when she first approached us at lunchtime, after all. This was a person who, when unsure of how to act, allowed her emotions to take control of her, as opposed to whatever she had planned out beforehand.
Such a thing was dangerous, because in the heat of the moment things could be said that could never be left unsaid. If Kawasaki was not careful, she could end up saying things that would make Taishi despise her forever.
…ah, this is perhaps where I should step in, huh?
This was familiar territory for me, after all. Kawasaki Saki could not risk being hated by Kawasaki Taishi. After all, he and his siblings were all she had in her world. For them to hate her would mean Kawasaki losing everything keeping her going.
I wasn't a weak person like that. After all, I've survived being alone all this time.
"Kawasaki."
My voice adopted a strange, almost unearthly tone, as if it was someone else's entirely. In response, Kawasaki stopped trembling and glanced at me, her eyes betraying the confusion that no doubt she was feeling right now. What is he doing? she probably would have asked, if she could have talked. Of course, I didn't want her to ruin my momentum, so I immediately continued talking.
"I want to talk to my little sister here."
I felt my lips curl into a disgusting, arrogant smirk, like that of a certain mischievous person I had known for a while. I could almost imagine myself, looking as if I was some know-it-all sage who knew everything but revealed nothing, as I took a step forward and cast a glance towards Komachi and Taishi. My heart began to beat quickly, as the stream of words emerged from my mouth, words that I knew were coming from me but I could barely recognize.
"Komachi."
"Y-yes, onii-san?"
Komachi's voice was unusually low, the complete opposite of the usual tone she adopts whenever she talks to me. For perhaps the first time in our sibling-like relationship, she was showing signs of fear, realizing that I was definitely the elder in our relationship.
"Why are you with this piece of trash?"
"Hikigaya, you…" Kawasaki blurted out, almost on instinct, but I continued talking.
"I called you earlier, didn't I?" I began, my voice becoming more and more pompous by the second. Around me, people had taken an interest in our conversation, even though many of them pretended they were not listening. No matter. If they wanted to watch, they would see Hikigaya Hachiman's greatest performance, one that would put a certain ice queen's sister to shame. "I asked you where you were going. You told me you were with friends. You told me you were preparing for your exams. And I find you with this moron?"
Komachi's face was a mixture of horror and disgust at the words I let out. I ignored the sharp pain in my chest and continued. "I mean, I wouldn't have minded, if it was someone respectable, but the only thing this kid's ever done is run to you whenever he has problems, imposing his selfish burdens on you. Do you really think I'd approve of someone like him?" I let out a dry, sardonic chuckle, one that I had mastered over the years of being a loner. It was the kind of laugh that annoyed people off, because of the aura of condescension that it unleashed.
"Onii-san, you…" Kawasaki Taishi began to say, only for Komachi to throw him a sharp glance, immediately shutting him up. Tch, this damn brat, still insisting on calling me onii-san…!
Komachi, in response to what I had said, removed her hand from Taishi's and faced me head on. Her eyes were now looking straight at me, burning with determination. She bit her lip, which was trembling in either pain or anger, and she had curled her fists as well. If she wanted to cry, the feeling of anger that was inside her was stronger, as she looked as if she was successful at holding back the tears.
After almost an eternity, she opened her mouth, sucking in all the air she could, and screamed:
"I hate you, Onii-chan! You stupid moron!"
Immediately, she aimed a slap at my face.
As I reeled from the pain, she turned around and ran away.
To the side, Kawasaki Saki and Kawasaki Taishi looked on, dumbfounded.
For my part, I couldn't say anything. I thought that, when push came to shove, my resolve would be enough, but the sight of Komachi's pained face sent chills up my spine. Did I, perhaps, make a mistake?
As the sting from Komachi's slap slowly faded away, a solitary thought entered my brain: is this what it feels like, Yukinoshita Haruno?
-0-
A/N: Sorry for bailing on everyone! Real life got in the way. But I haven't forgotten about this fic! I'm overflowing with ideas and I don't even know if they all fit the schema of this story, so don't be surprised if I pull out one-shots in the future.
Anyway, leave a review!
[1] Reality Marbles are essentially a projection of the caster's inner world – and this is seen as a contradiction by the planet, who seeks to forcibly break down aberrations to the world.
[2] The plot of Kakegurui involves a seemingly insane student who participates in high-stakes betting games sponsored by their school