Chapter Eight: Love of a Monster

The next hour was hectic. Regina had gone to see Henry, and none of them wanted to ask her to return. A quick discussion resulted in an agreement to call her back on speaker phone, rather than have her return to the house. In the meantime, Neal called Mary Margaret and David over to the house. Both were busy with their own responsibilities, but agreed to come over that evening, as soon as they could get free. Emma took a moment to freshen up in the bathroom, then rejoined the other two.

Gold had gone quiet again, coiled in on himself to the limit his chains would allow. Emma watched him tremble, remorse and shame on his face. She wondered what it was like, to shoulder three hundred years of regrets and pain.

Her own thirty years seemed a lot to deal with as it was. She turned her head to look at Neal. It hadn't occurred to her before, but she and Gold had always had one thing in common. They'd given up on their sons, then fought to get them back. She wondered if that was why she was the savior, or if it was something else. She wondered if that was why she'd always had such a complicated relationship with the pawn shop owner. Shared mistakes, the trappings of destiny...maybe she'd ask him about it someday.

She hoped he'd survive long enough for her to ask.

***SM***

The things he'd done with Regina...Rumplestiltskin felt himself quail at the memories.

He'd taught an innocent how to kill, and how to take pleasure in killing. How to take hearts, and make slaves of others. Poisons and plotting and violence...Regina, for all that she'd been Cora's daughter, had known nothing of any of that.

Not until he'd taught her, of course. Manipulated her. One step at a time, combining empty promises and pointed reminders and the addiction of dark magic to twist her gentle soul into something far more cruel.

He'd learned from being the Dark One, after all, that the kindest souls, once broken, housed the greatest darkness. That was why Zoso had chosen the meek and mild spinner that he'd been. Desperation and fear and so much bottled up rage...and he in turn had sought out the same for his curse caster, and used his knowledge to twist Regina in the same fashion that he'd been twisted.

It was all the worse, that he'd known what that twisting would do to her, what it felt like.

He watched one lesson after another, shaking with grief and remorse, while the Dark One laughed in the background, gleeful and delighting in his agony, whispering in his ears.

'You broke her, you broke her...knew what you were doing and you did it anyway. And you think that I'm the monster in your heart...but you knew what you were doing here. All for your purpose. All for your curse. Quite the trick, that. But you convinced yourself you were justified. Because it was for your son. That old, tired excuse. But you enjoyed it, didn't you?'

"I..."

He had. The twisted satisfaction of no longer being the only one so damaged, the savage glee he'd felt, knowing how close he was to achieving his aims. He'd smiled as he manipulated her, and it hadn't all been his curse or a false front.

His soul felt as if it was crumbling to ash.

The image wrenched again in the familiar transition to a new memory. Rumplestiltskin looked around as the surroundings changed to a new palace, not Regina's castle. A smaller palace, warmer toned.

He knew this place. His heart clenched within his chest. He couldn't breathe.

'That has to be him.' A young woman's well-controlled alto. A voice he knew almost better than his own.

'Well, that was a bit of a letdown.' His own high, impish giggle.

"Ah yes. And then, there's this little scene. Quite a change from manipulating the Queen. Quite a change in another fashion too." the Dark One crouched beside him, an ugly sneer on the thin lips. "This one...this one's all yours, dearie. All yours."

He watched himself bargain with Maurice. Bargain for the defeat of the ogres. In truth, he'd probably have destroyed them regardless. It was part of his original terms as the Dark One, after all. He hated ogres with a passion, had ever since his tour as a soldier.

But he had bargained. For Belle. For the girl. Not because he actually needed a maid or a house-keeper. His magic sufficed for such mundane tasks, and the cost was negligible.

But he had wanted her. He had known his curse would be completed soon. He'd also known there was very little of his humanity left after three centuries. He'd been afraid he no longer knew how to be human. He'd been afraid that he'd find Baelfire only to be completely unable to interact with him.

He'd had no use for a man who'd offer a gold-spinner more gold for services. That was like offering a stone-mason statues in return for his work. He'd had no more use for the knights, muscle-bound oafs who'd probably attack him as soon as they thought they had an opening. But Belle...she'd seemed sensible and quiet, well-read, and easy enough to cow and manipulate. Or to stop, if she took it in her head to be foolish.

The Dark One tittered and dropped down beside him. "Took her from her friends and fiancee and her family. Didn't even need her. Just took her. And why is that, dearie?" The imp bounced to his feet, bowing in a mocking mimicry of the memory playing out around them. "Well, speak up."

"I was...selfish. I wanted to...have someone to control. To use. I..." The words broke in his throat. "Belle..."

The scene shifted, and he watched himself throw Belle in the dungeon, a sneer on his face. Watched as he left her there, in the dress on her back that was all he'd let her bring. No light, no blanket, no pillow. He'd treated her has bad or worse than Regina had ever treated her prisoners, and without even the excuse of rebellion or law-breaking.

She'd come with him in good faith to honor a deal for the safety of her people, and he'd been cruel, treating her in a manner that not even the Duke he'd once lived under and despised would have done. He'd treated her like a slave.

He found himself sobbing, painful tears falling down his cheeks as he watched his own viciousness. He'd justified it as a response to Milah and Cora's betrayals of him, but in truth he'd behaved as badly as either of his former lovers, and with far less cause.

"I was...so cruel...Belle...I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." His voice broke on the words, leaving him with nothing to do but watch as he mistreated the woman who would come to mean as much as his life to him.

"Belle...I'm sorry…I'm so sorry...please..." He reached out, then dropped his hand to his side as the uselessness of the gesture slammed into him.

He'd done this, and there was no taking it back, or justifying his cruelty.

***SM***

"Belle..."

The cracked whisper made Emma and Belle both sit up straight. Emma had been showing the other woman how to look up things on her phone, something Belle found fascinating, when Gold moaned.

Tears once more stained the pawn shop owners face. His expression twisted in misery. One hand wrenched, trembling, off the sheets. "Belle..." He reached out, straining at his chains, then dropped his hand, anguish washing over him. "Belle...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry…please...Belle..." The already broken voice cracked again.

Belle watched, pity in her face. "I don't understand...why is he calling my name?"

"Because my dad loves you." Neal's voice was quiet. "He loves you so much he called you when he was dying." he stood restlessly, then turned to look at her. "I didn't believe my dad could love any more until he called you. I thought he was just telling me what I wanted to hear, when he said he was sorry for letting me go. I thought he might be just...messing around, that he wasn't really dying. Until he talked to you. That was when I knew he was telling me the truth."

Belle nodded. "He said that I...I made him want to be the man he used to be." She reached out and laid a tentative, gentle hand on Gold's wrist, just above the shackle. "I don't...really remember or understand but...the man he is now...the man who did this to himself...is that...is that what he meant?"

Neal's jaw clenched. "A man who sacrificed himself for his family? Yeah. That's exactly who my dad is. Was." He swallowed hard. "That's who my dad always was. My papa."

Belle nodded. Just then Gold shuddered, hands twisting in the sheets. "Belle...I'm so sorry Belle..."

Belle watched him. "Why is he apologizing to me?"

Emma settled for leaning against the wall. "Well, according to Henry's book, you two haven't exactly had the easiest relationship history."

Neal looked up. "Henry's book?"

"He has a book. It tells the stories of everyone who came here from the Enchanted Forest. You're probably in there somewhere, as Gold's kid. Your dad's story with Belle definitely is."

"Tell me." Emma hesitated, and Belle stood up and came around the bed to face her. "Please, tell me."

Emma swallowed. "I don't know everything, but...according to Henry's book, you traded yourself into Gold's keeping as a servant, in exchange for him protecting your family from monsters. So you went with him. He..wasn't a nice guy. Pretty awful, actually, kind of a beast. But...you were stubborn, and he...he kind of developed feelings for you. And you did for him."

Belle frowned, then looked back at Gold. "In the story...is there a cup? A chipped cup?"

Emma blinked. "Yeah. You broke it the first time he teased you. He kept using it after, sort of a sentimental thing. Even after everyone came here, that thing was important to him. He beat the hell out of a guy for stealing it from him."

"Oh." She looked at Gold, then back. "In the hospital, he brought a cup to me. He seemed so sure it would help me regain my memories. But...I was so scared, so frustrated...I knocked it out of his hand and broke it." She paused. "I remember...it was chipped."

Emma nodded. "Yeah. You mentioned that." She sighed. "He took it pretty hard, when that happened."

"He looked so sad, so shocked..." She heaved a breath. "He left with you the next day." She turned back. "In the story...what happened?"

Emma frowned. She'd been more interested in Snow White's story than Belle's, but she'd been curious enough to read the whole thing. If only because of the way Gold had avoided talking about it when she'd arrested him for assaulting Moe French. She pulled the details to the front of her mind with an effort. "You guys developed feelings for each other. But...he didn't think you were serious. So he sent you away from the castle."

"And I left him."

"No. You came back. But then you tried to break this curse he had...with True Love, I think. And he got super upset and threw you out. And then...someone else told him you'd died."

"But I didn't die. I was just..." She frowned. "I was...trapped. I think?"

"Yeah. You were. You were a prisoner for a while. But you got out, and you went back to him, and he apologized and promised to take care of you. At least, that's what you told me when I met you."

"And then I got attacked and lost my memories again."

"Among other things. Like I said, it was a rocky relationship between the two of you."

Belle nodded again, slowly thoughtfully. Then she looked back at Gold. "But he...he loved me. Even when he sent me away?"

"Pretty sure he did, yeah. If I had to guess, I'd say he's apologizing for sending you away. And...whatever else he did."

"I think I understand." Belle studied the tormented man, then walked back around the bed and sat back down in her chair. She studied his face, then gently reached out and brushed the hair from his eyes. "I think...I really do understand."

Neal cocked his head. "What do you mean?"

"I don't...I don't know anything. I can't remember. But this...being here, with him, watching him do this, seeing how much he cares...what he's willing to go through..." Belle gestured. "I was...I was terrified of the man in the hospital. He was so...so passionate, so intense. But seeing him like this, it's different. Taking care of him, imagining how he must have taken care of me...how he did take care of me, judging by the clothes..." She gestured to the outfit she wore, which Regina had found in a closet. "I think...I could fall in love with someone like that. Maybe...maybe I even have, a little." She bit down on her lip, shy and hesitant. "It sounds ridiculous, I know, but...it's the truth. I just wish I could remember what it was like before."

"I don't think it matters. Right now, all that matters is that we figure out how we feel about him now, and what we're gonna do when he wakes up." Emma watched as Gold flinched, expression contorting in grief.

"Yeah. I just hope we can figure it out before he wakes up." Neal heaved a sigh and turned back to his father.

Emma watched him as he tenderly wiped a damp rag over his father's face again. Watched Gold, the man she had started out disliking, the man she had distrusted, and still kind of did, the man she had grown to sympathize with and almost pity over the past few days. "Yeah."

***SM***

He watched Belle walk away after his memory self told her to go with tears streaming down his cheeks. His expression in the memory was impassive and carved from stone, but watching broke his heart anew.

'She's right you know.' The Dark One snickered at him.

'I know. I am a coward. I was too afraid to believe in her. I couldn't even tell her why the magic mattered, that I wanted it to find my son. I sent her away because I wasn't willing to take the chance. I'd rather break her heart than risk letting her break mine any further. I was a coward, and I was selfish." He sucked in a ragged, sobbing breath. "That's what I do. I let people go so I don't have to risk anything. First Bae, then Belle."

'Nice to see you're finally owning up to it.' The Dark One giggled. 'Of course, from here on, everything's for your curse. Shall we see what you did next, dearie?'

No waiting, he was simply swirled away into another memory. Not that he cared.

He was a coward, and a monster. No memory could tell him what he didn't already know. Everyone he touched, he either used or shoved away, twisted or tried to break, either to achieve his ends or to protect himself and his own interests. No matter how he justified it, it was all the same.

He'd always be a selfish bastard, willing to let everyone else suffer rather than endure the consequences of his own actions or risk his own heart.

Author's Note: Poor Gold...Well, he'll be waking up soon