I found it hard to go to sleep that night, so I ended up staying up for an extra hour or so to write a letter. It explained my feelings to him beyond just I love you.
I couldn't sleep with the entire buzz going on in my head and in my heart. I'm crazy about you. You make me feel differently than what I am used to. It's good in a way though because having this sort of love in my life gives me more meaning. I know you may not feel like this towards me and who knows you may never feel like I do towards me, but I needed to get my feelings on paper before I explode. I love you doesn't even begin to cover it. When I see you I get this happy flutter in my stomach and it has slowly become my favorite feeling. When I see you smile…. I can't even describe what I feel. All I know is that I want to make you smile and laugh as much as possible because to me that is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Just the thought that I may see you makes me heavy with nervousness, but I push through it because it is beyond worth it to see you. I swear every time I see you I want to hold you in my arms and keep you there. I want to feel what your arms around me would feel like. I imagine it would make me feel safe and loved. I haven't felt like that in a very long time, so it would be nice to see if it did. This may be getting on the mushier side, but I am ignoring that so I can continue on. You astound me. Every little thing you do even if it is annoying, is sexy. The words you use as your everyday vocabulary amazes me. You amaze me. I want to have you in my life and I know you are, but I mean as more than that. I want you as mine. One day I hope; and I think about it often, I hope I can call you mine. I want to feel your lips brush ever so softly against mine before we launch into a heavy make out. I want to feel your tongue fight with mine as we explore each other's mouths. I want to feel your hand slide down my back and for your fingers to brush against my face. I want to feel your hand folded in with mine and have it be perfect. I want to hear you whisper in my ear that you love me and that you are mine. I want to hear you call me yours. I think about holding you in my arms and making you laugh by tickling you gently. I think about you tickling me back and it starts a whole tickle war leaving us both breathless and smiling. I want to cook for you more often and amaze you every time with how much I know. I want to watch you stumble around my kitchen as you try to return the favor, but fail and end up needing my help. I want to dance with you in my living room to whatever music happens to be on. I want to see you in the dark; I want to see you in my bed as you start to fall asleep. I want to kiss your forehead and hear you mumble goodnight just before you are out. I want to wake up to you nuzzling my neck as a good morning. I want the first thing I see to be you. I want to watch movies with you on my couch and somewhere in the middle we get caught up in each other and lose interest or you fall asleep in my arms or I in yours. I want so many things with you and all I want is a chance to be able to do all of this and much more. I'm sorry for everything that I have done to you and I know that no amount of apologies can erase the harmful things I have done and said to you. I want to mend our broken relationship though. I haven't ever tried this hard to have someone in my life and I hope that me telling you even if it is in a letter, how I feel…. How I truly deeply feel will help my cause. I want you and I want to do everything that is possible with you. I want you to fall for me. Chuck, I want you to be the last person I ever love.
I look over the paper that has my feelings dumped over it. Part of me or rather most of me thought it was dumb, cheesy, and too mushy. It was the kind of thing I would never write in my life. I wasn't sure if I was going to give it to him, but at least I had less on my mind. I was able to sleep a little bit better now.