Chapter 4

"Finally!"

"Hey, it's not my fault that you can't follow directions."

"Shawn, the so-called directions on the back of that pamphlet barely qualify. Seriously, how am I supposed to know how to turn 2 blocks before the tree that was bulldozed three years ago?" Gus asked in frustration. "And why couldn't we use the GPS on your phone?"

"Gus, you know my battery is dead from watching episodes of "The Mentalist" on the way down here," Shawn said as he heaved a martyred sigh. "And now I won't have anything to watch on the drive back."

"Whatever, Shawn," Gus said dismissively. "We're here now, so let's get this done so we can get home."

Gus pulled his car to a stop next to an airport stair truck. They got out and walked up to the front door, avoiding the cobblestones that were broken or missing in the front walkway and the Segway that was sprawled across the path. Gus reached out to ring the doorbell.

"Ah!" he cried as a strangled bell sounded inside the model home.

"What?" Shawn asked.

"It shocked me!" Gus griped.

When no one answered the doorbell after thirty seconds, Shawn knocked on the door.

The glass window pane in the door fell out and shattered.

"No wonder they couldn't sell any of these McMansions," Gus opined.

"Hello?" Shawn shouted through the hole in the door. Though he could hear a TV blaring inside, he still received no answer. He turned the handle and pushed the door open.

"Do you think we should just go in?" Gus asked.

"Dude, how else are we going to snoop around?" Shawn replied with a derisive look as he stepped inside. "Besides, it's a model home. You're expected to walk in and take a look around."

"Whatever, Shawn," Gus said to his back as he also stepped through the open doorway.

The inside of the house could best be described as a disaster area. There were piles of Chinese takeout containers and opened pizza boxes sitting on the kitchen counter. Clothes were lying in piles on the floor. Magazines were spread about the dining room table. Dirty dishes were strewn across the entire area.

"Did a nursery of raccoons get lose in here?" Gus wondered aloud as he surveyed the scene.

"A nursery? Not a herd?"

"No, Shawn, a group of raccoons is called a nursery," Gus declared.

"I've heard it both ways. But judging by my time as an animal control officer, I'm afraid I have to disagree with you on both points, Gus," Shawn answered.

"You only spent a week there, and you never even left the office!" Gus objected.

"Either way, this place is in serious need of a maid," Shawn stated.

"I can't believe it! GOB actually came through! You must be from the housekeeping service!" a female voice cried from behind them.

Shawn and Gus turned to see a middle-aged woman with long blonde hair stepping off the bottom stair. She was wearing a black cocktail dress. With her heels, she stood the same height as them.

"We're not-" Gus started to say before being interrupted.

Pointing to Shawn, she said, "You can start down here."

"And you," she continued, turning to leer at Gus, "can come upstairs with me. There's something very dirty in my bedroom that I need you to come help me with. Or at least there will be…"

Shawn and Gus' jaws dropped.

"Did she just…" Gus asked his partner.

"Yep," Shawn replied with a grin at his friend's expense.

"But we're not…"

"Nope."

"Don't you think we should…"

"Probably."

"Excuse me, ma'am, but we're not cleaners," Gus explained.

The woman deflated before them. "I knew it was too good to be true," she said with a sigh. She walked past them towards the kitchen, muttering under her breath.

"Maybe you can help us with something, though," Gus called out.

She perked up, turned around and gave them a predatory smile. "What did you have in mind? Because I'm ready and willing…"

Shawn decided to speak up as his partner took a nervous step backwards. "I'm psychic detective Shawn Spencer and this is my partner, Rainbow Chipsdelux. We're investigating the disappearance of George and Michael Bluth."

She stared at them blankly.

"We were hired by GOB Bluth," Shawn added.

"Are you some of his Hot Cops friends doing some moonlighting?" she asked hopefully.

Shawn and Gus exchanged a quick, confused glance. "No, we really are detectives."

The woman's shoulders sagged again. "Oh. Well, go ahead and have a look around. I'm Michael's adopted sister, Lindsay."

"Thanks," Gus replied as Shawn started poking through the debris on the table.

"Just let me know if there's anything I can do for you," she purred.

Gus backed up another step. "Great," he said warily.

Lindsay leered at him again before she walked around the counter in the kitchen. She opened a couple cabinets, obviously searching for something. After a few unsuccessful attempts to locate what she was looking for, she gave up and instead grabbed a bowl off of the counter. Without even rinsing it, she picked up a partially spilled box of Cheerios and dumped some into the bowl before she started to eat handfuls with her fingers, ignoring them.

Gus was appalled at her behavior. He turned to his partner, who didn't seem to even notice the disaster around him. "I really hope you've found something already," he moaned.

"You can't rush genius, Gus," Shawn said with reproach. "The only things I've found so far are a few travel advertisements for honeymoon cruises for a Mr. and Mrs. George Michael Bluth, but I haven't made it through all of the piles yet."

"This place is even worse than your apartment!" Gus lamented.

Shawn just shrugged. "Let's check out the rest of the place," he said as he walked towards the family room where he could hear a TV blaring.

"What do we have here?" a balding man in a house robe and cutoff shorts said as he glanced up from his seat in an overstuffed chair as Shawn and Gus entered the room.

"I'm Shawn Spencer, psychic detective, and this is my partner, Leggo Myeggo," Shawn said.

"Mmm, a couple of good looking dicks. I'm Tobias Fünke, Analrapist and Actor," the man replied, handing Shawn a business card from his pocket and a headshot that he picked up off of the coffee table. "What can I do for you gentlemen?"

"We're looking for George and Michael Bluth. Do you have any idea where they are?" Shawn asked.

"Hmm, I haven't seen George Michael lately," Tobias stated as he turned his attention back to the TV. "You'll have to ask my daughter Maeby if she's seen her cousin around lately. Oh, and if you see him, tell him that I can't wait for another one of those fully loaded bananas of his."

Gus and Shawn exchanged looks of frustration. "Not George Michael, George and Michael," Gus tried to explain. His statement fell on deaf ears, however, as Tobias had already closed his eyes and appeared well on his way to falling asleep. Within moments, they heard him start to snore.

"This is the weirdest family I've ever met!" Gus exclaimed as he turned to look at his partner again.

"Agreed," Shawn said with a nod. Without another word, he turned and left the room, heading towards the entry way.

"Shawn! Where are you going?" Gus demanded.

"Don't be a metaphorical monster hiding in a closet, Gus. I'm going to check out the bedrooms," Shawn said derisively as he headed up the steps. When he stepped onto the landing in the middle of the staircase, there was a loud crash in the living room. Looking over the railing, Shawn saw that the shelves of the wet bar under his feet had collapsed. He turned his gaze to the chair. Tobias hadn't stirred. Shaking his head, Shawn continued up the stairs and headed into the first bedroom on the left.

By the time Gus stepped through the door, Shawn was already rifling through papers at the desk on one end of a set of bunk beds. He paused for a moment and gazed at one paper that had been half buried under schoolwork before he resumed his search.

Before Gus had a chance to join in the hunt or to attempt to convince Shawn to leave, another voice startled them. "What are you doing in my bedroom?"

Shawn and Gus spun around to see a short girl dressed in a white blouse and a plaid skirt standing in the doorway. She had dark, curly hair and a face covered in freckles.

Shawn stuck a hand to his temple and closed his eyes. "Oh, I'm getting a vision. You're Maeby Fünke!" Shawn cried out.

Maeby's face lit up. "You've heard of me?"

"I haven't, but the spirits have. I'm seeing an image of you. You're standing in front of a bunch of people. And there's a priest. You're in a flowing white dress. You're getting married! But who is the groom? I'm getting some initials. I see an M and a G. G and M. Oh! And a B. GMB."

Maeby gasped.

"Yes! It's GMB, all right, and I'm starting to get something else. It's the marriage certificate! And it has the names. There's yours and there's the other. It's… It's… It's your cousin, George Michael Bluth!" Shawn's eyes popped open. "You married your cousin?"

It took Maeby a few moments to gather her wits about her before she could finally respond. "It's not what you think."

"The spirits pass no judgment," Shawn said.

"It was an accident," Maeby continued to justify.

"How do you accidentally get married to your cousin?" Gus asked in disbelief.

"It was supposed to be a fake ceremony for old people in the hospital," she explained. "Somehow it got done by a real priest and the next thing I know, there's a marriage license showing up at the door. And now George Michael's not even around to get it annulled."

Both Shawn and Gus perked up at that. "Where is George Michael?" Shawn asked with great interest.

Maeby began to pout. "I don't know. He never showed up for Pop-pop's party on the Queen Mary. Uncle Michael left to look for him and I haven't seen either one of them since. The next thing I knew, Uncle GOB had moved from his yacht into Uncle Michael's room and was hitting on my mom, which is all kinds of creepy."

Both Shawn and Gus shuddered.

"I know, right?" Maeby continued. "So now I'm stuck being the only one here with any sort of a job or, really, a grasp on reality. Wouldn't George Michael get a kick out of it if he could see me being the responsible one!"

The guys shrugged.

"Wait! Who are you and why are you here?" Maeby finally asked.

"I'm psychic detective Shawn Spencer," Shawn answered. "This is my partner, Pogo Shtick. We've been hired to find your missing family members."

"Oh! Great!" Maeby exclaimed. "I really miss George Michael."

"Well, we'll be sure to let you know as soon as we find anything," Gus promised as he edged past her and out of the bedroom.

"Don't mind him," Shawn said as Maeby watched Gus' escape. "He didn't eat his Wheaties this morning."

"Psychic detective, huh?" Maeby asked. "That sounds like a good premise for a movie or a TV show. Mind if I try to work something up?"

"That'd be awesome! I've already got it cast for you. I'll be played by Ashton Kutcher. I say Gus should be Denzel, but he votes for Terry Crews," Shawn gushed.

Maeby gave him a wry smile. "I'll see what I can do."

"So, is there anything else you can tell me that will help me find your cousin?"

Maeby thought about it for a minute. "Nope."

"Alrighty then," Shawn said with a patently fake smile. "I'll just be leaving you to your work."

"OK," she distractedly replied, already focused on her new project.

~'`^`'~-,._.,-~'`^`'~-,._.,-~'`^`'~

Posted 2016-04-07