[Author's Note] I'm sorry the update is late, I'm sorry it's shorter than usual but I felt bad holding off another few days without updating. I work in retail at present, and was working around the clock with it being Christmas that as well as some personal things I had going on made it hard for me to find time to write. I wrote and edited this chapter today, so I accept it's most likely rife with errors and mistakes, but I wanted to upload today. To think I've been writing this story for over a year is a little insane to me, so I can only thank YOU for sticking with me, and this little Paily story that needed to escape the confines of my mind. I'll stop rambling now, but seriously thank you all again for every single review, follow and favourite over the past year, it has been so encouraging and helpful. Finally, Happy New Year where ever you are.
Paige ran down the stairs, wiping at her eyes but the action was deemed useless, giving the constant stream of tears. At this stage everyone else had heard the boisterous and wave of angry shouting coming from upstairs, urging them all out into the hallway.
"Paige?" Caleb spoke on noticing the distressed brunette running towards them with speed, covering her face.
"Ummm... Uhhh... Hanna. Emily. Paige dismissed everyone's concern, her words nonsensical desperately hoping Hanna would understand as she continued towards the front door knowing if she was stopped she would break down then and there.
"Fuck, Paige. What did you do?" Hanna sighed, she quickly understood what was going on.
"Just tell her I'm sorry...again. I'm sorry." Paige stuttered out ashamedly, but somewhat grateful Hanna knew what had happened, not looking back as she pulled the front door behind her. Thankful to be hit by some fresh air, unfortunately the muggy air didn't offer as much relief as she was hoping for as it seemed to blanket around her.
"What the hell is going on?" Aria interrupted anxiously, pulling back her blonde friend before allowing her to continue her climb up the stairs.
"Are you all really that oblivious?" Hanna half smirked sadly, before rolling her eyes. "Emily and Paige basically went back to being Emily and Paige... before the accident. There were basically together again. None of you noticed the subtly glances, unhinged playful glares, the touching?"
Everyone shook their heads signalling a no, confusion registering on their faces.
"Aria, you didn't notice the little conspicuous marks on Emily's body?" Hanna sighed sadly, the situation only really hitting her know.
"They slept together?!" Aria raised an eyebrow completely shocked she really didn't notice any of this was going on.
"Well I assume so. Anyway none of that matters. I may go see how she is, I can't imagine whatever Paige had to say was easy to hear." Hanna bit her lip, looking to the ground already knowing exactly, how she would find her best friend upstairs.
Hanna ascended the stairs, leaving a bemused Caleb, Aria and Ezra staring at one another, still in shock as a result of the revelation.
"We might be awhile... you guys should head back, you don't want to be out driving too late." Caleb suggested, the whole tone of the day had taking a turn for the worst.
"Yeah, I think that's a good idea. Plus knowing Emily she won't want much company right now." Aria added, shrugging sadly. "God, why can't they just be happy. They deserve it." Aria wiped at her eye which were starting to water, the whole group loved Emily and Paige equally and each them knew they still loved the other, so seeing them hurt was devastating.
"Your right, Ar. Paige and Emily deserve nothing more than to be happy." Ezra mused, their minds still trying to make sense of situation.
"Would you guys mind bringing Jacob home. These kind of things tend to confuse and upset him, Hanna and I can collect him once we get back... and hey maybe it would be some good practice." Caleb smirked knowingly.
"You know?!" Aria and Ezra spoke in unison, mouth gaping with shock.
"Hanna's not the only observant one around here. I may not have noticed anything going on with Emily and Paige, but I did notice Ezra's fake not feeling well act to cover up for you, Aria... and then you not touching a glass of alcohol once this entire trip. I really just put two and two together, the look on your guy's faces just confirms it."
"Do you think any of the others know?" Aria blushed, leaning into Ezra as he placed his hand protectively across her stomach.
"I don't think so. I don't think even Hanna has realised yet. Congratulations to you both."
"Thanks Caleb." Ezra stepped forward hugging Caleb.
"Paige, what happened? Are you okay?" Toby questioned in a deeply concerned tone as soon as he caught sight of the upset girl, after she climbed back into the car. Spencer quickly turned around in her seat in the front of the car to get a better look at her friend now too, a concerned crease forming in her brow.
"I'm umm... can we just drive?" Paige voice cracked as she spoke, she turned to look out the window to hide her face.
"Sure..." Spencer shot Toby a glare, they both understood at this stage being friends with Paige for close to seven years how the brunette worked, the two knowing asking questions would only make her more upset and most likely angry.
Paige pulled her knees up onto the seat wrapping her arms around them as she curled herself up as small as could, leaning against the car door seeking some kind of comfort her tear stained eyes remained staring out the rain smudged window, watching the world go by as the car took off down the road. The weather, still a heart-breaking reflection of her current state; dark, damp, horrible and muggy. Sniffling quietly to herself as her mind constantly pondered whether or not she had just made the worst decision of her life. Toby and Spencer continued talking to one other about nothing specific, not necessarily ignoring the girl in the backseat just respecting her wishes, and for that Paige was incredibly grateful.
Over four hours had passed, Paige had falling asleep for close to two hours and was now only regretting it, she had falling asleep in such an awkward position her neck now felt incredibly sore and stiff.
"Emily and I slept together..." Paige mumbled out sadly, catching Spencer and Toby in mid-conversation causing a heavy silence to fall around all three of them in the car for a moment. Spencer glanced up into the overhead mirror catching Paige's eye line, quickly noticing the devastating distress found within her friend's brown orbs. "...it happened more than once."
"Paige, you guys have a lot of history...these things happen" Spencer offered, not fully knowing what to say or knowing what Paige needed to hear.
"It was just like old times... it wasn't just sex." Paige turned to look out the window, the pain in heart searing with poison and hurt. "S-She told me, she loves me... I think I may have falling for her too... all over again." Her voice swallowed up in melancholy as she spoke in a low tone.
"Paige I know that can't be easy, but I don't get why you're so upset? Do you not want to try and see how things develop with Emily?" Spencer questioned, confusion urging her.
"I did... I was fully open to that..." Paige scrunched her eyes together, her tears falling heavy from the cliff edges of her cheek bones, as her reality become more and more painful. The situation was smothering her.
"What changed your mind?" Spencer voiced in a calm tone, Toby looking at her for a brief second a sympathetic look in his eyes.
"Every time we're happy... s-s-something bad happens. Em-Emily nearly died falling into the lake, I should have went with her when she asked. I always find a way to screw us up, the accident was my fault and Emily nearly died then too, she did in fact die... it should have been me. Then when I saw how bad she was after falling into the lake, I couldn't help but wish it was me then too... I should have been the one hurt in the crash, I was driving-I-I-I-made all the decisions in that moment. There's always this bad omen hanging over us, hanging over me..." Paige whimpered, her bottom lip trembling with despair.
"Paige don't talk like that. You're not at fault..." Spencer began, her heart-breaking as she realised Paige never truly got over her guilt.
"I got myself an apartment." Paige declared cutting Spencer off, wanting to urgently change the subject.
"What?!" Spencer and Toby fully turned around in their seats this time, toby quickly turning back forcing his focus back onto the road.
"Well I kindacame to a deal about an apartment." Paige sighed heavily.
"What does that even mean, Paige?" Toby half laughed at Paige's vagueness a result of sheer disbelief, Paige was hitting them with shocking revelation after shocking revelation.
"It was an apartment I wanted to rent with Alex, but it was a little above our budget and it needs a lot of work... she basically hated it and made the decision against living there for the both of us, but I loved it. I still love it. I got an email from the it's current owner who asked if I was still interested, he needs some extra income because he's moving with his family to Portland, so I emailed him back last night and we chatted for a little. We eventually came to a deal over the cost of rent, and I decided to take it." Paige explained, as plain as day.
"Paige, is this whole deal safe?" Spencer asked concerned.
"I done some background work before, it seems to be fine. But I'll need your help with the paperwork. I've seen the place, it's not too far from Hanna and Caleb's and for a pretty big apartment in Manhattan I got a good deal."
"So you're moving out of Hanna's?"
"I think that's only fair, no? I know how much I hurt Emily today, she shouldn't have to avoid going over to one of her best friend's houses because of me." Paige had to bit at her lip once again fighting a new wave of tears, as she breached the painful topic once more.
"Okay. Paige, I trust your judgement... I'd be lying if I didn't tell you this rash decision making, worries me. But if you're honestly okay and happy with your decision, then I'm happy too." Spencer reached out squeezing Paige's knee. Paige simply nodded, placing her hand over Spencer's before pulling it away and using her sleeve to wipe away another escaped teardrop.
"I'm okay... I don't know about happy. It's something I had to do, Spence" Paige replied, her voice showing elements of vulnerability once more.
"Em?" Hanna cooed, as she knocked lightly on the door before entering into Emily's bedroom. She got no response, simply a strangled whimper as she finally caught sight of Emily sat on the floor against the bed, her eyes red raw with tears.
Hanna didn't say much else, simply taking a seat beside her best friend and wrapping her up in her arms holding her as tightly as possible.
A little while passed, and Emily's sobs had slowed to a broken whimper every few minutes.
"I-I-I love her, Han."
"I know, Em."
"She's scared... it's all my fault, I allowed her to believe she was at fault for the accident, for the problems and strain in our relationship after the crash. I-I-I broke her... she ran scared before I found some other way to rip her heart to sheds, just like all the other times." Emily sobs grew with intensity and heartbreak once again.
"Em, you can't think like that."
"What? Why the fuck not?!" Emily pulled away from Hanna in a heated flash, her voice laced with a darkened venom. Her eyes burning with tears as she stared into Hanna's awash with azure blues, holding her stare with a vengeance. "I'm was always the one to push her away; I pulled away when she was struggling with coming out, I pushed her away back in highschool when we thought Alison could still be alive, I blocked her out when I hurt my shoulder and didn't think I would get to California, I said goodbye to her six months after that fucking crash."
"So fucking fight for her, Emily. Prove yourself to her. Prove her wrong. Show her how much she means to you. But don't you dare screw Paige over when times get tough, or it will be me you will have to deal with. You didn't just lose Paige all those time, we did." Hanna shot back with just a much heat knowing it wasn't sympathy Emily needed, it was a push to do the right thing.
Emily's whole demeanour dropped, she now looked like a scolded five year old, who got told off. Her face an image of incredulous and fear.
"I have to fight. But what if this really is the end?" Her voice trembled with honest fear.
"Then you take your deserved spoon of medicine, gulp it down and get on with it, Emily. We all know you were in a bad place after the accident, but you're treatment of Paige was horrible, you really did tear her down and break her apart. So if Paige is too scared to try again with you, then you just need to accept that." Hanna explained plain and simple, no anger on her words this time.
"I really do love her, Han." Tears appearing once more, her voice low as she curled back into Hanna's side.
"I know you do... and I really think she loves you, too. That's the problem." Hanna whispered in response, as she began cradling Emily once again as sobs began wracking her body once more.
"Can we call into the storage unit place outside the city, I need to get some of my things?" Paige spoke up once she noticed they were about 30 miles outside the city.
"You're going to the apartment tonight?" Spencer turned, her eyes wide. "You can come stay with us, Paige. It's no problem."
"I think I just want to be alone, tonight... maybe stop by Hanna and Caleb's and I can get the last of my bits from there too?"
"Yeah, I guess? You still have you're key, they shouldn't be home for another few hours." Spencer added knowing there was no point arguing with Paige, she knew after texting with Hanna for a bit Paige needed to know that no sides were being taken. She also didn't want to baby her friend.
Once Paige had collected her all of her things she needed for her first night in her new apartment, she directed Toby how to get there and showing him to the nearest underground carpark station. They had to walk about five blocks but the load was made easy enough with the three of them to carry Paige's two suitcases, camping bed and sleeping bag and black sack of her things left around Hanna's place.
"Paige are you sure this whole apartment thing isn't someone trying to hand off a crack den into someone else's name." Spencer commented, looking around the fifth floor where Paige's apartment would be found. When the three entered the building Spencer and Toby were pleasantly surprised, the building looked clean and respectable, the building manager a woman in her mid-sixties also seemed nice and eager to get to know Paige, being her newest resident. The greying woman spoke highly of the man Paige was renting from, and even informed the trio about the history of the building and some of the history of Paige's apartment, which was in the process of being converted from an old dance studio, before the man decided to move away. The lady had said even she had practiced there, the dance studio was usually just used by off-Broadway stars.
It was the fifth floor which housed Paige's apartment that looked a little worse for wear. The hall was dark, only gaining light from two yellow wall lamps the buzz with uneasiness. About half way down the hallway they came to a huge sliding metal door.
"This is it... home sweet home." Paige declared, unlocking a large padlock to slide back the door to reveal a wooden door behind it, using the key to open the second door, Paige entered first walking up the five steps into the large open space.
"Paige, I get why you're doing this but Paige there's no way you can stay here." Spencer spoke concerned, her eyes scanning the large dark room. The kitchen area just about resembled a kitchen, as Spencer identified a cooker and a sink, but apart from that he apartment was completely sparce of any furnishings. Strangely enough she could see the potential, and she knew it was well within Paige's ability to complete such a project, but at the minute it just didn't seem safe or hygienic for Paige to live there at this present moment.
"I already have the whole thing planned out in my head" Paige replied excitedly, choosing to ignore Spencer's wishes of not wanting her to stay here.
"Paige where are you going to sleep?" Toby stopped Paige in front of him, placing his two hands on her shoulder and forcing her to calm down for a moment.
"I was going to set up a tent and just kinda live in that, as I fix up the apartment around me..." Paige responded, her voice that little bit more despondent.
"Paige, you realise that sounds insane." Spencer added.
"I know it does... but I need this." Paige eyes began watering over again, as Toby pulled her into a comforting bear hug.
"So where are we putting the tent." Spencer smiled, understanding why Paige was so set on doing this. Paige simply offering a shy smile in response as she wiped at her eyes willing them to stop shedding water.
A few hours passed, Paige was now alone in her apartment which suddenly seemed a lot darker, creepier and colder. Being in a new place always took some time to get used to, but she couldn't help but feel the loss of having Emily's body curled into her side, like she had just yesterday.
The unfamiliar shadows dancing on the high walls and across the ceiling caused goosebumps to tickle her skin, the creaking noises shooting shivers down her spine. Paige was beginning to regret choosing to stay here by herself.
Paige remained tossing and turning on the small camping bed, trying to ease her nerves and get comfortable enough to actually get some sleep. But it was the noise of banging on her front door that really startled her, grabbing her phone to see what time it was her eyes momentarily blinded from the searing light finally read 3:27am once the fuzziness disappeared. The banging continued a second time, Paige climbed up out of her bed grabbing a piece of wood from the unfinished kitchen counter before approaching the door. She was definitely now reconsidering taking on this apartment.
Taking a deep breath she pulled back the latch, and unhinged the lock opening the door, only to be met by a truly familiar face.
"Emily?" Paige released the heavy breath she had been holding back.
"Sorry... I should have called or text first."
"Yeah. What are you doing here?" Paige couldn't no longer meet Emily's eyeline, still feeling completely cowardly for what she had done earlier today.
"You forgot your Stanford hoodie." Emily pushed the piece of fabric of clothing forward.
"Emily, it's three thirty in the morning. What's the real reason you're here?" Paige sighed, half slumping against the door, Emily form mirroring Paige's as she slumped down defeated now too.
"I-I wanted to make sure you were okay?"
"Me? Emily, you realise I'm the reason we're in this mess?" Paige stated, her words causing Emily to flinch in a moment of hurt. "I'm sor..."
"Don't be." Emily cut her off. "Okay I heard you moved out of Hanna's and I wanted to make sure you were okay. Paige you're not the reason we're in this mess... I-I am."
"Em..." Paige's head dropping to the floor.
"Can I come in?" Emily reached forward catching Paige's arm, causing the brunette to jump not expecting the sudden contact, of course the electricity was still as vibrant as ever. Taking a minute to compose herself, Paige simply nodded standing back from the doorway allowing Emily to enter. The slightly taller girl's eyes going wide as she took in the dilapidated building around her, holding her tongue knowing Paige was already giving her a lot simply by letting her in.
"There's not really anywhere to sit just yet, so I hope a cushion on the floor will suffice?" Paige offered a half smile, Emily reached forward for the cushion happy for any kind of comfort. "Would you like anything to drink, tea? Water? Some leftover soda?"
"No I'm good thanks." Emily uttered, waving Paige off somewhat awkwardly as she watched the other girl grab another cushion to sit down on the floor next to her.
"Well? Em why are you really here?"
"I was upset this morning, I mean we were both there so I think you know that part. I was angry at you, Paige... but wrongfully so. I was angry because you were so quick to throw away everything we had re-captured, but I had forgotten that was exactly what I did to you, Paige."
"Emily, we don't have to get into this..."
"That's the problem, Paige. Yes, we do... Y-yo-you still feel guilty for the accident? Don't you?" Emily tired her best to ease into her question, knowing this was the catalyst for everything their relationship currently stood on. Her words were like a severe acid to Paige, forcing the brunette to shrink down into herself. Tears of her never once confronted past welling up, stinging her brown orbs. "Paige, please look at me." Emily whispered this time, her voice on the brink of a quiver.
"Of course, I do." Paige eventually looked up, tears now flowing freely across her rose pinched cheeks. Shame darkening the usual hazelnut colour. Emily biting her lip to hold back the knowing sob trying to escape the confines of her own throat. "How could I not, Em."
"That's the problem. You're not at fault, Paige... if anything you saved my life. Our lives. I was in a bad place then, a dark, dismal and horrible place. I blamed you because I had no one else to blame. I hurt you because it was the only way I could hurt myself, by pushing you away. I allowed you to believe you were at fault, Pay. I became a different person, in a weird, twisted and selfish way it became almost easy hurting you, I fed off it. My pain, my suffering, my darkness fed off it. I needed something tangible to place my hurt on, the idea that bad things happen sometimes, wasn't acceptable enough. The idea that maybe we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, wasn't enough to ward off the idea that I may never have a fully functioning right leg. I lost so much in high school; loved ones, swimming, and the chance to be normal... I was so angry that when I finally had everything I ever wanted, chances were I was going to live my life struggling to walk, doing repetitive exercises in rehab, having to burden you with my inabilities. I was able to hurt you because you offer everything up for me, you're fully open with me, Paige. I know your strengths and weaknesses because you show nothing but your whole self to me, Paige over the entire period of our relationship." Emily explained, her heart racing staring directly at Paige, who was currently burning holes into the ground, not realising how hard she had been crying until she wiped at her face.
"I-I-I felt guilty the moment I saw you die, the moment I saw your life disappear from your body for two whole minutes... it wasn't just you, Em." Paige whimpered, broken.
"I let the guilt fester. Paige, of course you felt guilty... it's in your nature to take the blame. Insecurity and self-doubt caused by Alison and your harsh growing up allowed that seed of guilt begin to bloom before anyone could stop it. I completely disassociated myself from the pain you were going through and did nothing to sway your thoughts otherwise. Paige. I know. I have always known you don't believe in bad things just happening for no reason, you think you're the reason... I should have stopped you from thinking like that, instead I let it swallow you up to selfishly feed my own darkness." Emily stopped when she heard a heart-breaking sob seep from Paige's lips, wiping her eyes once more.
"I-I should have went with you and Jacob..." Paige voice shook with such insecurity, Emily heart was so close to shattering.
"No. Paige that wasn't your fault. The crash wasn't your fault. Sometimes bad things just happen..." Emily voiced, wiping at her tears for moment wanting so desperately to wrap Paige up in her arms and put the broken girl back together but knowing deep down that it's wouldn't be right in the moment.
The two sat in silence, the odd whimper echoing around the large dark room, the pain hanging on the devastating sounds only made more vibrant as a result.
"Paige, do you think we'll ever be able to work together as a couple, again?" Emily asked the question that was haunting her since the moment Paige said goodbye.
"I-I don't know..." The brunette reflected, her voice raspy and tired from the emotional turn of events.
"Do you think you can give me one last chance?" Emily reached forward, placing her hand on Paige's, urging the brunette to meet her eyeline.
"I wish I could answer that, Em... I can't. At least not right now." Paige bit at her bottom lip forcing it to stop trembling. "I am still so fuckin' scared of everything involving our past. I was happy, truly happy when we were together on the trip over New Years. But that wasn't me, I thought I could live 'happily ever after' by keeping my guilt, shame and fear hidden in the back of my mind, I didn't want to have to confront it. But it won out. Seeing you get hurt awoken that realisation within me, Em. I need to figure myself out, first... before I can even consider an us." Another tear streaming the length of Paige's cheek as she finally looked Emily in the eye, her breathing ragged given her emotions.
"So what now?" Emily half laughed, a sad attempt at covering the creaking breaks of her heart on hearing Paige's response.
"I need to be alone, Em. Away from you. I need time... and I can't guarantee I'll ever be ready for us again. But I don't want you to put your life on hold for me. I-I-I think you should try move on with your life, Emily." Paige's head fell once more, the words like acid on her tongue.
"I love you, Paige." Emily's voice was near inaudible, her words nearer devastation than anger, but pure to their meaning. She wasn't telling Paige to make the brunette feel worse or guilty, simply telling her so she knew.
"I know... and that's what makes this so..." Paige was crying once again, unable to come up with a suitable word to describe the situation they were both in. "Emily, promise me you won't put your life on hold."
"Paige..."
"Please, Em?"
"I promise. But you have to promise to confront your guilt over the accident... if that means you have to spend an eternity despising me, then I can live with that." Emily looked at the brunette through burning red eyes, as she wiped at her wet cheeks for what must have been the hundredth time tonight.
"Okay, I promise. But just know... I could never hate you, Emily." Paige's eyes emphasising the truth behind her words.
The two sat in another heavy silence, darkened by heartbreak, longing and sadness. The atmosphere was different though, a little less uneasy than it was before almost serene in a twisted way. Almost like the two had said everything that needed to be said, spoke the unspoken, the conversation that needed to happen had happened and somehow the world was still continuing on as normal.
"I should go" Emily broke the silence again this time, standing up and stretching out trying to force out some of the tension left licking the wounds of her soul.
"You could stay? I mean it's 5am, New York isn't very safe." Paige offered, merely out of kindness. The two might be headed in different directions at the moment but that didn't mean Emily and her well-being stopped meaning the world to her.
"I'll get a cab" Emily replied plainly, shrugging her shoulders as her whole demeanour hung uncharacteristically low. "Oh before I forget, here's your Stanford hoodie back... you-ummm-you, forgot it yesterday."
"You should keep it, it is originally yours." Paige responded somewhat awkwardly rubbing at the back of her neck and scrubbing her foot into the ground. Neither knowing where to look.
"I want you to have it..." Emily insisted, her voice remaining low. Neither able to hold eye contact for longer than a fleeting second.
"So I guess this is it?" Paige walked towards her new front door, opening it slightly.
"Yep, this is it." Emily bit her lip quickly wiping away the remnants of an escaped teardrop, almost ashamed it had made an appearance.
"For now."
"For now." Emily repeated.
"Goodbye Paige." Emily leaned forward into Paige, placing a kiss to the other girl's cheek. Desperation, hurt and longing hanging onto the brief electrifying contact shared between the two for what could be the very last time.
Emily turned looking to Paige once more before leaving the apartment to walk down the hallway. Willing herself to continue putting one foot in front of the other, afraid if she stopped she collapse into the ground then and there.
"Em?" Paige called out.
"Yeah?"
"As much as the bad stuff pushes us apart time and time again, we have always found our way back to each other in the end." Paige statement seemed pointless, she didn't want Emily to latch on to some kind of false hope, but something inside urged her to say it.
"Time will tell." Emily replied, sadly.
Time will tell. Paige repeated to herself as she shut the door behind her.
[A/N] THE END.
Okay, maybe that was mean. This is isn't end, I promise. I also promise better times are ahead, things will only pick up from here (I don't think I can do any more angst with what's in store for Paily in PLL 5B). I was thinking about having the next chapter be a flashback of the 6 months of Emily and Paige's relationship after the car crash, is that something people would like to see? If there's still some confusion as to why Emily and Paige are acting out the way they have been, it might make things clearer? I can't guarantee when I'll have my next chapter up, but it will be before the end of January still pushing through some personal issues which takes away my writing time. Thanks again for sticking with me.
Please review.