[A/N] Hey, I know I'm late... I'm sorry. When I said I'd have this chapter up before the end of January that was me under the illusion that my work hours would be cut down after Christmas, in fact the opposite happened. Thanks again for all the support, I appreciate every single follow, favourite and review so much. Thank you. Anyway here's the timeline of the 6 months between the crash and Paige and Emily's break-up. I hope you enjoy.
January 4th 2014
Paige fell asleep about an hour ago, one hand was stretched across Emily's still body, the other laying carefully over Emily's warm hand, desperately willing her girlfriend to wake up soon. Mr and Mrs Fields were sat on the overnight cot, which the hospital had offered out of goodwill for the worried parents. Pam was fast asleep in her husband's arms as he remained sat still, reading a book not allowing his mind to wander while keeping protective watch of his family. Paige was supposed to be down in her own room given she was yet to get the all clear and be discharged, but she was well on the road to recovery that the doctors were able to turn a blind eye this one time, it only seemed fair having administered drugs into that should help wake Emily from her medically induced coma, knowing Paige would want to be there when she first woke up.
The sound of movement caused Paige to jump, her eyes still tired and dazed. "Shouldn't she be awake yet?" Paige uttered anxiously, her hair a mess and voice heavy with sleep, the worried expression on Paige's features catching Wayne's attention.
"I'm sorry Ms McCullers, it's really just a waiting game. Everything is reacting as normal it could just be her body's naturally tiredness that's keeping her asleep." The young doctor explained, offering a comforting smile.
"Thanks, Doc. Paige try get some more sleep, we both know how stubborn Emmy can be..." Wayne chuckled lightly, Paige returning a heartfelt smile before laying her head back down to lie on Emily's bedside, she began whispering possible plans of their shared future into an air of nothingness, drowsy mentions of weddings, children, and thoughts of spending the rest of her life with Emily hoping it might stir her girlfriend awake. Paige yawned one last time before falling back into a restless sleep.
It must have been approaching 4am and Wayne had fallen asleep now too, when Page felt the faintest of movements tickle beneath her hand stirring her awake.
"Emily?" She sat up with such speed her head was awash with light-headedness. Emily eyes blinked, cringing at the burning sensation, desperately trying to take in the unfamiliar surroundings. Her movements rapidly becoming jerky, her heart rate speeding up on the monitor as fear swallowed her up not understanding what the hell was going on and where she was, her throat burning of desert level dryness taking away her ability to speak which only furthered her fear.
Paige stood up, one hand tentatively holding onto Emily's shoulder while the other went under her girlfriend's chin, hoping to calm her once she met Emily's eye line. "Em... it's okay, you're in the hospital. It's okay." Paige voice soothed calmly, Emily looking to the girl in front of her, her eyes growing wide as if it was the first time she saw Paige in a life time, her eyes watering over.
"Shhh, it's okay... You're parents are here, I'll wake them and go get the doctor." Emily simply nodded dozily, as her eyes blinked around the room trying to take the whole thing in.
Paige woke the Fields', shaking the pair gently hoping to stir them without a startle, the two parents immediately running to their daughter's side as soon as they comprehended what Paige was explaining to them. Tears streaming down Emily's mother's face, her father's eyes sparkled with teardrops, too, as they caressed their daughter's face. Paige pressing the assistance button, calling some of the medical staff who could explain to Emily the extent of what had happened.
"Water." The word near inaudible and raspy, as Emily turned to face the shelf as best as she could grimacing as she finally noticed the pain surge through her body, that aspect of things had been at the back of her mind. Wayne reached forward pouring out a small glass of water and finding a straw so Emily could drink with ease.
"Small sips, sweetheart." Pam encouraged, Emily coughing taking the drink as it lubricated her throat for the first time in close to a week, a foreign feeling to her body after its sleep like state for the past five days.
"Emily, you're awake." The doctor approached the bedside, his voice lively and cheery. Paige had decided to sit back and let Emily and her family just be together for a moment but Emily's eyes kept flicking towards her as if she was making sure Paige was okay too. Eventually Emily trained her almond eyes on the doctor, hoping to get some kind of clarity.
The doctor explained everything that happened to Emily, her face visibly cringing every time he mentioned the crash as images flashbacked into her mind. He explained how she was in need of more surgery and that she had some important decisions to make regarding her treatment. He finished by asking her how she was feeling, and if she was in need of anymore pain medication. Emily simply nodding a no.
Pam and Wayne also noticed Emily's intent on talking to Paige, making excuses to leave the two alone for a little while. Pam whisking herself away to make some phone calls knowing the girls would be dying to know the minute Emily woke up, and Wayne muttered something about getting coffee before kissing his daughter on the head and whispering some more kind and comforting words in her ear making her smile.
Once the door shut, Paige padded nervously towards her girlfriend's bedside. Tears mirrored on both their faces. Emily's eyes tracing every inch of Paige's body once again making sure she was okay for what must have been the hundredth time over the past twenty minutes, biting at her lip so she wouldn't break down too much.
"I've missed you..." Emily voice was still raspy, hoarse and sore. Even though Emily didn't know she had lost five whole days out of her life until the doctor told her so, something within her that had felt empty, afar and missing suddenly felt refilled, revitalised and vibrant again as soon as she saw Paige in one piece.
"I've missed you too." Paige's chin quivering as she fought back tears, she carefully placed a kiss to Emily's forehead, before sitting down grabbing a hold of her girlfriend's hand, and for the first time in what seemed like forever the hold was finally reciprocated. Unable to stay awake much longer, exhaustion from the overwhelming amount of pain meds Emily was currently on, continued having an immense drowsy effect on her, pulling her back into a heavy sleep.
January 5th 2014
"Goodmorning, Mrs Fields" Spencer greeted when she ran into Pam in the hospital's waiting room.
"Spencer, you can call me Pam... and I really shouldn't have to remind you at this stage. That goes for all of you girls." Pam scowled at first hammering home her point, before offering a kind smile to the group of anxious girls waiting to finally get to see Emily awake again.
"How is she?" Hanna interrupted this time, an unusually nervous tone to her words.
"She doing well, she's still very tired and drowsy, but understandably so. She still is a little confused and shaken up but I think having Paige with her and seeing all of you will no doubt pick her up some more." Pam added her whole mood having been revitalised since Emily awoke from her coma.
"Can we see them?" Aria asked eagerly, bouncing on the balls of her feet.
"Sure, I think they're still asleep. I will show you up to the room and maybe myself and Wayne will head back to the hotel for a little while, shower and get cleaned up. I know Nick and Anne McCullers are coming to visit around 3pm, so that will give us enough time before we need to return." Pam planned out loud.
"Oh Mrs Fi... Pam, my Mom said she'll call in about 4:30 to talk with Emily and Paige before they give their statements to the police later on." Spencer added, Pam simply smiling in response grateful for the legal help offered up by Veronica Hastings.
"Well, I think it's time I show you to her room... I can see how anxious you all are." Pam made her way towards the elevator, the girls following close behind her.
"Shhh... no startling noises now." Pam instructed one last time, as she entered the room. Paige immediately jumping up, her body now upright as straight as a poker as soon as she heard the disturbance. Her brown swirled orbs were dazzled like a deer caught in headlights. Paige, although completely wrecked with exhaustion, still seemed to be on high alert of any little noise or movement within the room which resulted in her cautious and jerky behaviour. Paige decided to leave the bedside once she calmed to hug and welcome all of Emily's friends.
Emily's fingers twitched no doubt immediately missing the feel of Paige's hand on her own. Her eyes flickering open once again from the rooms blinding brightness as she tried to adjust her vision. A mumbling of words slipping from her mouth as she tried her best to wake up, the meds she was on made it increasingly difficult for to shake off that hazy, disorientating and drowsy fog that hung on all her senses.
"Em, sweetheart. Hanna, Spencer and Aria are here to see you. I'm going to go meet your father for a little while. We'll be back in time for the statements later on." Emily recognising her mother's voice, her vision beginning to focus as she saw her three best friends approach her bedside. One blonde and two brunettes, their eyes strained with teardrops as the reality of the situation settled in on them, they could have lost their best friend.
"Heeey." Emily's voice still rasped. "Take a seat."
"Damn Em, you got that sexy raspy voice thing down." Hanna added off the cuff, the blonde always went with humour to cover up her own unease and when she didn't really know what else to say.
"Hanna!" Both Spencer and Aria chastised, Hanna shooting them a glaring look as if to say 'what?'
"So how are you feeling, Em?" Spencer approached the bedside, taking the seat where Paige was sat after the brunette had offered it up, choosing to go sit on the free seat beside the window, leaving Emily some space to chat with her friends.
Paige hadn't realised she had falling asleep until she felt a hand shaking her awake. Her breath ragged, sweat covering her from head to toe and her neck burning in an aching stiffness after she fell asleep in another awkward position.
"What's wrong?" Paige grimaced, her eyes darting around the room for any kind of urgency.
"Nothing's wrong, Paige. You were having a nightmare, Em just asked me to wake you." Hanna explained shyly, worried she had upset Paige when she saw the darkened wave of panic flash behind her brown orbs.
"Oh... Em?" Paige shot her girlfriend a puzzled look.
"Paige, you need to get some proper sleep. Maybe you should head back to your room for a bit."
"I'm fine!" Paige shot back defensively. "I don't want to leave your side." Her eyes watering unable to hold back her emotions, the exhaustion, fatigue and unending trauma of the past few days was really wearing on her.
"Okay... climb in here." Emily with the help of her friends was able to move over enough to leave some space for Paige.
"I don't want to hurt you, Em." Paige sighed, her eyes now resembling that of a sad puppy.
"Will you stop being so fricken adorable and just get your cute butt over here." Emily chuckled lightly, the other girls laughing now too as Paige padded towards Emily before tentatively climbing into the bed next to her, curling into her girlfriend's left side that was injured significantly less than her right side. Emily grimacing ever so slightly as she reached down to pull the blanket over Paige, the pain quickly slipping from her mind as soon as she felt Paige's hand wrap protectively around her waist, knotting itself up within the hospital gown fabric Emily had yet to change from. Paige yawning once more as she snuggled her face into Emily chest thankful to be enveloped back in Emily's natural scent before falling asleep within seconds.
"I'm so happy you two are alive and safe." Hanna whispered, rubbing at her eyes and biting on the inside of her cheek as she looked on at the sweet interaction between Emily and Paige.
"You know she never left your side. She fought with the doctors to come visit you as soon as you were out of the ICU, and pushed herself in physical therapy to get to spend New Years with you." Spencer added solemnly.
"She did?" Emily looked down at her sleeping girlfriend with such awe, the whole situation was still a little much for her to process.
"Yeah Em, I think the most difficult thing about this horrible situation for Paige was seeing you in such a life-threatening state." Aria interjected, Emily eyes remained glued to the sleeping brunette, her brows forming a sad crease as she placed a gentle kiss to her girlfriend's forehead.
"We should probably head out, let you two get some rest before giving your statements to the police later." Spencer stood up squeezing Emily's shoulder lightly, Hanna and Aria followed, the blonde moving closer to Emily to give her friend a brief hug before leaving.
"See you all, later?" Emily questioned, yawning in the process of speaking as she carefully slid down in the bed trying to get a little more comfortable beside Paige. Her friends responding with a yes before waving goodbye once more.
Once Emily was comfortable she leaned closer to Paige whispering "I love you, Paige" before placing a chaste kiss to the other girl's cheek, the action causing Paige to stir a little mumbling nonsense as she too pulled herself closer into her girlfriend. Emily happy to be falling asleep in her love's arms once again.
"Are you sure you're feeling up to this, girls? I can get them to hold off another few days?" Mrs Hastings questioned before sitting down on the seat next to Emily's bed, where Emily and Paige had remained wrapped up in each other.
"I think we're ready." Paige replied for the two of them a little too hastily.
"Emily?" Veronica asked again needed to hear both give their permission.
"I can do it." Emily acknowledged, her tone not as sure as Paige's.
"Okay, I'll go inform the chief. You'll both have to be questioned separately before going over some brief details together, once the questioning is done. But I'll be there with you the whole time. If either of you feel uncomfortable, I'll be right there for support. This isn't going to be easy, girls, so just know everyone is keeping the two of you within their best interest." Mrs Hastings explained once more.
"Paige, I'm here to bring you down for your x-rays and therapy session" A young doctor interrupted as he walked into the room.
"I guess that means Em you'll have to go first." Paige spoke before kissing her girlfriend on the forehead as she carefully hopped down off the bed. "See you in a little while, my love."
Emily simply smiled in return, waving a goodbye as Paige exited the room with the doctor.
"How'd you go earlier?" Emily asked once she noticed Paige trod her way back into the room, followed by some cops and Mrs Hastings.
"X-rays look good, and they're happy with my improvements in therapy. I might be getting discharged tomorrow. Dr Morgenstein has to check me over once more though." Paige spoke excitedly.
"That's great, Pay. But I meant about the statement." Emily kissed her girlfriend to congratulate her on the good news, but couldn't help but notice the immediate drop in Paige's mood when she reiterated her first question question.
"Oh that, yeah that was fine." Paige brushed her off, not wanting to go into any of the heavy details.
"Okay, Ms Fields and Ms McCullers... we just have a few last question we need to ask you together. You both know if at any stage this is too much, just ask and we can stop or take a break. You also have your lawyer present, who can support you both through-out the questioning." The Chief explained calmly. "Are you both ready to start?"
"Yes." The two answered at once, Paige taking a seat next to Emily grabbing her hand. Emily couldn't help but feel like something was a little off especially with the way Veronica was keeping an eye on Paige.
The officer went over both of their statements, recounting the scene and asking for any further details. He filled them in on the details that no one would be charged, the accident was simply an unfortunate result of bad weather. He then recounted the scene stating that the HGV by all accounts was travelling at a safe speed, but the sharp corner and black ice sent the trailer hurdling out of control. The driver couldn't reclaim control and the truck swerved across the road into Paige and Emily's path. Paige reacted by driving down the embankment, coming to a stop after the car crashed into a tree on it's left side, the majority of damage to the car was a result of the speed they entered the embankment. The HGV came to stop about 500 metres down the road, causing minor damage to other cars and stopping as the vehicle flipped over onto it's side.
The officer finished up by asking "Do either of you have any questions?"
"No, I think that's it." Emily replied quietly, the toll of events beginning to weigh on her as the memories of the traumatic experience plagued her mind.
"I... I just have one." Paige initiated timidly, releasing her hand from Emily's.
"Okay, we'll try our best to answer it."
"Could I have reacted better? Done something different?" Paige questioned her voice going across more stern and severe this time, Emily's brows furrowing at the odd question.
"Paige, you and Emily survived a truly awful accident... you made the right decision." The police officer replied honestly.
"I know we survived, but could I have reacted better? The injuries we sustained were a result of my decision... could I have done something different, so that it could have resulted in a better outcome?" Paige asked again, a greater sense of panic, desperation and urgency on her words this time.
"Paige, sweetheart we already went over this..." Veronica spoke sympathetically, the woman's response to Paige only causing Emily more confusion as her eyes flitted from her girlfriend, to the lawyer to the present police officers.
"Mrs Hastings, stop me if I'm wrong but am I not entitled to know?" Paige hissed back angrily at the lawyer, before continuing again; "I just want to know? Why can't I know?" her frustration evident as tears circled her eyes bringing an icy shine to the brown that resided there.
"Ms McCullers, there is nothing to gain out of such a question. It really is better left unanswered." The chief understood where Paige was coming from, in seeking out such information. "Nothing positive will come out of speculation." He finished.
"My name is Paige... if you're looking for Mrs McCullers, go down to the freakin' waiting room and find her. I just want someone to answer me, please just answer my question." Paige was growing more and more frustrated, her breath ragged and force as a crimson colour tinted her cheeks. "Please..." her tone had suddenly changed, it sounded defeated now, heartbroken, tired and lost. This was the one question Paige needed an answer too, and no one was willing to give it her it, the prospect of not knowing was simply terrifying, almost suffocatingly so.
The police officers exchanged a look between themselves, before briefly glancing at Veronica Hastings who simply gave a nod. She knew Paige was entitled to the information she was looking for, and even though she knew it the response would offer no kind of comfort to Paige they was nothing she could do, if Paige continued requesting the information. Emily continued looking on, shocked into silence seeing the distress on her girlfriend's features. She had sensed something was up with Paige ever since the girl came back from the interview, but she didn't think things had spiralled this badly.
"Okay Paige, of course there are things you could have done differently. But chances are those things could have resulted in either you or Emily dying. There is also a chance that one or both of you could have been left paralysed or suffered a significant brain injury, if you hadn't of re-acted in the way that you did. An extensive study of the scene shows that if the car had of crashed on your side, the evidence shows you would have been dead or even more severely injured than what Emily sustained. Of course, what you're really asking is if there was a chance you two could have survived with only minor cuts and bruises that could have been a possibility, yes, but a very very minor possibility. There is a much greater chance this accident could have resulted in two fatalities, than you two walking away uninjured, which would have been near impossibility given the circumstance of the crash. You should be really happy that you survived, and proud of the actions you took to ensure the best possible outcome for yourself and your girlfriend."
"How can I be proud, we only survived because the paramedics got their time. My action resulted in my girlfriend dying in front of my very eyes, she had to be resuscitated and there wasn't a single thing I could do. She has been in a coma for the past five days with a brain bleed, she has numerous surgeries to look forward too and her right side is so damaged they don't know if the mobility or feeling will ever return to more than eighty percent, and even that is being optimistic. So please explain again, what exactly am I supposed to be happy about here?" Paige mumbled before storming out of the room, the tears that had previously glazed her eyes now running rivers down her cheeks.
"Paige..." Emily called out, wanting to go after her but knowing space was probably for the best.
January 7th
"Emily!" Paige ran towards her girlfriend who was struggling and fraught after falling onto the floor, striving to move and get up. Painful, agonising and stressed groans slipping off her tongue.
"Stop!" Emily screamed viciously at her girlfriend, pushing through her pain she began forcing Paige away. "Get away from me! I can do this myself!" Her voice screeched, the chaotic commotion eventually grabbing the attention of a nurse passing in the hallway, who anxiously entered the room.
"STOP!" Emily squealed once more when the nurse joined Paige in trying to get the distressed girl up off the cold, hard floor.
"Fuckin' leave me alone. Don't touch me!" Emily continued fighting, using her strong arm to push both Paige and the nurse away, straggled pain still engraved on her face as she continued to fight off their help.
"Emily, we're just trying to help you." Paige explained forcing calm onto her voice, as she tried her best to wrap her arms around Emily's waist with care, instead she received a strong hit to her bad shoulder causing her to retract in searing pain now too. A sharp hiss was ripped from her lungs as she was stood still, staring with incredulous at the love of her life, distressed on the floor. Paige had never seen Emily so distraught and anguished, the sight was truly shocking and upsetting to watch unfold.
"You wouldn't need to help me if you didn't get us here in the first place, Paige. You're the reason I can't even go to the toilet by myself without having someone to help me, holding my fucking hand." Emily spat out angrily, her eyes wide and reddened with anger burning holes into Paige's suddenly slumped demeanour, her whole being seemed to collapse in on itself the second Emily uttered those words.
"Emily Catherine Fields, I never want to hear you talk like that ever again." A deep booming voice carried across the room, all eyes landing on Wayne Fields as he stood in the doorway arms crossed only accentuated by the stern look on his features. His eyes staring deeply into those matching on his daughter's face.
"Daddy?" Emily's voice broke, tears in her eyes now as she transformed into what looked like a young child scorned. Fear, sadness and shame a picture on her usual confident face. Her eyes briefly flicking to Paige who she now noticed looked like she was on the verge of collapse, as shock and sadness tortuously crafted by pain and hurt haunted her features.
"I-I-I think... I'm just go-going to go." Paige's voice sounded foreign as she turned on her heels wanting to get as far away from Emily for the first time ever.
"Paige..." Wayne began trying to offer comfort, knowing the words his daughter just uttered were said in haste, anger and out of frustration. He knew full well the devastating hurt such words caused Paige hearing them said out loud, made only worse hearing them fall from her girlfriend's mouth.
"I'm sorry, Mr Fields...I umm... I-I-I have to go." Paige's bottom lip quivered, her voice low and ashamed, the sorrow on her tone only made more evident when she called Wayne, Mr Fields something she hadn't done since Emily and she started out dating.
Emily looked on in horror, what had she just said? Wayne walked to his only daughter's side, with the nurse's assistance the two picked Emily up and helped her back into the bed. The nurse immediately checked her over, making sure she hadn't done any further harm to her injuries before helping to clean her up after she failed to reach the bathroom in time, it was that fact alone that had thrown Emily over the edge. Once the nurse was happy enough she too left the room, leaving Emily to fall hopelessly into her father's arms sobbing.
Paige walked down the hallway in a daze, her head hung low hoping to avoid, disturb or catch the attention of any of the medical staff on duty. Her breath was laboured, as she finally stumbled into a dark empty room, closing the door behind her before collapsing to the ground as painful sobs rocketed through her body, so desperately severe no sound was registered. Her knuckles were white as her hands balled up into tight fists, lungs burning seeking out air, as her heart pummelled in her chest. Flashes of the crash torturously tormenting her and she was sure was never going to escape this moment. Fear, terror, sadness, guilt and fear so overwhelming it was tearing her apart.
Emily had just confirmed her worst fear. Emily blamed her too.
Next thing Paige knew she was shivering, shaking with the cold that had a tight gasp around her, she must have fallen asleep or passed out as a result of her hyperventilation. The tiled floor she was lying on felt so cold beneath her skin, her collar bone ached no doubt a result of the cold slyly sneaking in on her bones. She sat up straight, laying her back against the cool wall when she was finally able to recognise the room as some kind of storage unit for outdated, or what she presumed was outdated machinery and broken equipment. Her head was spinning with a stomach churning ache, her eyes stinging and throat raw as she sat there in silence for the next hour wondering where she goes from here.
Eventually Paige moved knowing the doctors would eventually come looking for her. She trudged tiresomely down the busy hallway, thankful no one seemed to be bothered by her presence, passing Emily's room on the way but simply too afraid to even look at the door as she silently walked back to her own room.
January 10th
Coming to the hospital after being discharged was still a weird experience for Paige, she hated having to abide by visiting hour rules now, but it was a deal she and Dr. Morgenstein came to after she agreed to sign the discharge papers. Paige promptly agreed knowing she needed time to heal on her own outside of the grounds of the hospital, to at least try and re-integrate back into normal life. Plus it wouldn't have been particularly fair on Pam and Wayne, as well as Emily's other friends who wanted to see her too.
Emily had been acting off with her since the two had their moment five days ago, she was still angry and frustrated, but Paige hoped today might be different. Neither had mentioned the incident but the tension still hung heavily like a tumultuous raincloud edging to burst ever since Paige finally found the courage to walk back into Emily's room. The tension between them only grew more intense, both knew it was there but they both refused to acknowledge it, simply pretending they were fine, the two performing a dangerous dance around their situation. Paige's discharge only weighed heavier on them, Emily tried to hide her disdain at the fact Paige had been given the all-clear and only needed to attend regular check-ups from now on over the next year, but Paige noticed the look of jealousy and spite behind her girlfriend's eyes. Paige's heart still aching from the moment she went to kiss Emily goodnight the first night she was leaving the hospital to spend the night at the hotel with her parents, and Emily casually turned her face to side leaving Paige with only a cheek to kiss goodbye.
The doctors had mentioned moving Emily to a rehab unit in Philly where she could be closer to home and have a little more freedom than being in a sterile hospital where you couldn't do much but lay in bed. So she really hoped the good news would have picked up her girlfriend's spirit. Paige had her last check-up in New York this coming Friday, for which she was also grateful. Dr. Morgenstein would then send her files to their local hospital in Philly which she'd go for scheduled check-ups over the next year.
"Pam, hi!" Paige spoke chirpily, as she ran into her girlfriend's mother as soon as she exited the elevator on Emily's floor.
"Paige, how are you?" Mrs Fields, beamed on noticing Paige's presence.
"I'm good, are you heading down?" Paige replied cheerily, holding the elevator door for the older woman out of kindness.
"Not exactly, sweetheart. Paige, Emily isn't really feeling up to having any visitors today... maybe she can give you a call later on instead?" Pam's words coming as somewhat a shock to Paige, the once excited smile on her face was instantly wiped away replaced by a confounded hurt.
"Is she okay?" An initial sense of worry, causing Paige's stomach to drop in that sickening way.
"She's fine. Just a little umm... tired" Pam tried her best to offer some positivity Paige's way but was failing miserably.
"That's well, umm that's good... umm okay. Yeah, if you could just tell her I called by, that would be great." Paige turned back around towards the elevator rubbing the back of her neck while willing herself to stay upbeat enough to hide just how upset she truly was by the news. "Oh, could you actually give her these... and I know she's been craving some candy." Paige handed the older woman a small bunch of colourful flowers, a packet of Swedish fish and skittles.
"Her favourites. Thank you, Paige." Pam offered a half smile, she really didn't agree with her daughter's attempt at blocking Paige out but she also didn't want to further her daughter's distress. Something caught Paige's eye in the distance above Pam's shoulder, partially distracting her from her conversation when she noticed a figure walk out of Emily's room.
"Spencer?" Paige whispered, the words so low they were near inaudible. Paige could deal with Emily not wanting any visitors, but the fact that it was only her Emily refused to see, was utterly heart shattering.
"Paige, wait...please?" Mrs Fields began reaching forward to console her daughter's girlfriend, but was too late, Paige ran back into the elevator willing the doors to close so she could get out of the building as fast as possible, her throat already constricting.
"I can't believe your making me come down here, when we could be up in our room playing Xbox and eating Pizza, Han." Caleb sighed heavily as he trailed behind his girlfriend walking into the hotel gym where they had been staying ever since the accident.
"Caleb, it's a new year. We need to make changes." Hanna replied, her voice trailing off as she caught sight of some girl going at it with a punching bag in the corner of the gym. "Woah someone's taking their gym time a little too seriously." Hanna half laughed in disbelief.
"Yeah woah, look at her go... Wait! Shit, Han. That's Paige!" Caleb's laugh was quickly cut off when he finally recognised the brunette who was completely over doing it.
Running towards Paige, the two called out her name trying to get her attention but Paige was so zoned out she wasn't hearing anything outside of the sound of blood pumping in her ears.
"Paige! Paige! Stop you're going to hurt yourself." Hanna shouted urgently, she could already see blood on her friend's knuckles; anger, desperation and an unhinged, vicious focus the only thing registering on the brunette's face.
"Here hold this." Caleb passed his bag and towel over to Hanna as he prepared to physically grab Paige hoping to pull her from her dangerous trance knowing she could do significant damage to her healing injuries if she continued pushing herself with such force.
Caleb moved forward knowing this wasn't going to be an easy task, but if he didn't intervene Paige was going to do more harm to herself, taken away from all her medical progress in recent days. In a flash Caleb ran at his friend wrapping his arms tightly around her waist, earning himself a hard elbow to his upper eye as the two crashed down hard onto the ground.
"What the fuck?" Paige jumped up defensively, she was still pumped up on adrenaline, the darkness in eyes made it seem like she was about to hit Caleb but on recognising who it was she collapsed back down to the floor, her chest heaving aching for air as rough, painful gasps burned through her lungs.
"Paige what the hell were you doing?" Hanna sat down beside the two, reaching forward to rub at her boyfriend's already swelling eyebrow.
"She doesn't want to see me." Paige uttered in despair, her voice a broken disarray as hot tears melded effortlessly into the stream of sweat pouring the length of Paige's reddened face. Her hands still trembling as the remains of adrenaline rushed within her veins, her body struggling to grasp any sense of oxegen a result of her over exaltation and being overcome by an overwhelming wave of emotion.
"Okay Paige, just try and relax. Deep breaths." Hanna turned to Paige this time, wrapping her arms around the slighter taller girl hoping it would offer some kind of comfort to her friend. She knew Paige was coping well, but she never imagined Paige was struggling this badly.
Paige continued sobbing, her head remained tucked into Hanna's shoulder as she forced herself to inhale large gulps of air at an even pace hoping it would help ease some of the dizziness she was currently experiencing. The three sat like that for a little while and Paige eventually calmed enough that her breathing returned to normal.
"Oh god I think I'm gonna be sick" Paige leaped up out of the blonde's hold running towards the nearest trash can, before emptying the vile contents of her stomach. Returning a few moments later she sat back down next to Hanna and Caleb, her head hung low. Paige was grateful more than ever the room was relatively quiet for a change, being sick in front of Hanna and Caleb was embarrassing enough she couldn't imagine it happening with strangers around.
Caleb offered her some water, as Hanna went wordlessly to wiping up the blood on Paige's unwrapped knuckles. The brunette hissing every time the piece of cloth came in contact with her wounds. Her collar bone was aching now too, she so desperately hoped she hadn't done any further damage knowing Dr. Morgenstien would most likely kill her.
"Paige, lift your shirt." Hanna ordered sternly, having no patience for this kind of idiotic behaviour. She understood where Paige was coming from, but she hated to see the girl put her body back in danger. "There's blood on you shirt, did you re-injure your stitches? Are you that fucking stupid?" Hanna voiced, her words laced with anger as she pulled up Paige's shirt to get a better look wiping up the blood staining currently Paige's hip.
"Hanna?" Caleb chastised.
"What? Caleb if you or I weren't here she could have collapsed, or done some serious damage. Thankfully the stitches on your hip are still firmly in place, just a little bit of blood. But fucking hell Paige, please don't ever do something like that again." Hanna stated firmly.
"I'm sorry. I just really needed to blow off some stream." Paige replied in a low, sad and defeated tone.
"We get you're angry, Paige. But maybe come talk to us instead of letting it all bubble up and then trying to deal with it yourself?" Caleb urged, genuinely worried for his friend.
"It's killing me. Emily not wanting to see me is ripping me apart. I don't know who I am anymore." Paige voice quivered, as she slumped down into herself. Hanna and Caleb only now really seeing the exhaustion, sadness and heart break their friend was going through
"Paige... Em is just going through a rough patch right now." Hanna tried to comfort the girl knowing full well Emily was acting awful and completely out of character, she hated seeing Paige having to take the brunt of Emily's frustrations.
"It's only me she doesn't want to see though, I think that's the worst part. It's only been like three days, and I miss her like she's been gone for years. What have I gone and done... I screwed this whole thing up." Paige mumbled, her voice shaking, trembling with raw, tiresome emotion, Hanna simply wrapping her arms back around the taller girl soothing her.
January 17th
Emily was so glad to finally be leaving the hospital, she wouldn't be going home having opted to spend a week in a top of it's field rehab unit in Philly, which specialised in rehabilitating athletes but Emily's doctor said she'd feel most comfortable there, especially getting to be around other young people with similar injuries.
Emily was being pushed to the car in a wheelchair by her mother, her dad had to return to Texas a few days ago so Spencer and Toby decided to join, helping Pam and Emily to move their things back to Philadelphia.
Emily eyes immediately catching sight of a shadowed figure highlighted by an isolated orange street lamp out of the corner of her eye. Initially the figure startled her, the dark hoodie and dark coloured jeans flooding her memory with hauntings of A, that was until she took in the stance of the figure, Emily registered the way the shadows hands were forced into the small pockets of her leather jacket acting as extra warmth over a thick hoodie, swaying slightly back and forth on her toes no doubt a sign of nervousness as her eyes flitted sporadically from the ground to look up timidly at the group approaching their car.
"Emily, is that..." Pam began a little surprised to see the figure stood there too, she hadn't seen much of Paige since Emily refused to see the girl, assuming she just went back to Rosewood to be with her parents.
"Yes." Her heart was suddenly racing, she wanted nothing more than to just run into Paige arms, from this distance she could already see the pain, sadness and hurt Paige was trying her best to hide, Emily could tell see the other girl was still processing her thoughts, caught up in an internal conversation, it was something her girlfriend always did when she was unsure of her actions, usually it's outcome had a negative impact on Paige, oftentimes chastising herself for making what she considered a stupid mistake.
"Spence can you hand me my crutches, please." Emily eyes never once faltering from Paige's form.
Spencer, with Toby's assistance helped Emily up out of her wheelchair making sure she was balanced enough before allowing her to walk or at least hobble towards the brunette. Paige looked up briefly, catching Spencer and Toby's eyeline, too afraid to really look at Emily, the couple offering her a warm smile as they retreated to Mrs Fields.
"Hey." Emily mumbled unsure of what she herself was feeling once she had approached her girlfriend, Paige's eyes returned to the safety of ground genuinely afraid to look up, the couple hadn't seen each other since Emily had requested 'no visitors' or in truth 'no Paige'.
"Hi." She eventually responded just as quiet as Emily's greeting, her voice shaky and timid.
"Paige... I'm sorry." Emily moved forward into her girlfriend, slowly snaking one of her hands into the opening of Paige's jacket wrapping her arm around the other girl's waist before finding it's resting spot on Paige's back. The action was something she always did especially when it was cold out, seeking out that comforting warmth Paige's body always seemed to radiate. She placed her head against Paige's chest, turning her face into the perfectly shaped nook of the other's girl's neck, closing her eyes and absorbing the girl's scent trying to forget everything around her for just a moment. Paige had remained unmoving as Emily wrapped herself around her, ot rejecting the other girl's action simply unsure of how she was to act. Emily's other hand remained holding onto one of her crutches still in need of that extra support, sighing irritably when the object meant she couldn't wrap herself fully around her girlfriend.
"I've missed you, Em." Paige whispered, her voice tinged with a melancholic sadness as she finally relaxed into the hold of Emily's arms around her, she eventually removed her own hands from her pockets allowing them to wrap protectively around her girlfriend.
"I missed you too." Emily sniffled into Paige's chest, she didn't deserve such easy forgiveness but that was one of those things that was so essentially Paige, Paige's willingness to forgive those around her was just one of many things Emily fell in love. Paige nuzzled her face into Emily's hair enveloping herself in the familiar scent of tropical coconut and warm vanilla, a miniscule thing that she had missed so desperately over the past week. A single tear slipped from her eye, but was quickly brushed away as Paige leaned further into the warmth, comfort and safety of Emily's grasp.
"I love you." Emily uttered quietly looking up, she couldn't help in noticing the slightest hint of hurt shine through more so as she spoke her words, the pain hidden behind Paige's tear glistened eyes. The sight causing a retched feeling of heartbreak to register within her own chest. She then leaned up to kiss her girlfriend, not wanting to comfort such darkness just yet.
January 20th
"Paige! Paige, sweetheart. Wake up, you're having a nightmare." Emily did her best to shake her girlfriend awake.
Paige mumbled a stream of nonsense as she sat up straight in the bed, sweat pouring down her face as her eyes darted around the room for solace, her breathing harsh and rough as her lungs burned with fear and panic.
"Paige, it's okay." Emily uttered once more placing a hand onto her girlfriend's cheek connecting their eyeline.
"It was just a dream..." Paige sighed, releasing a heavy held breath she didn't know she was holding as she soaked up the calm Emily offered within her swirling chocolate brown eyes.
"Paige, maybe you should see someone about the nightmares." Emily treaded carefully.
"No!" Paige answered instantly, a firmness to her tone.
"Paige... it might help."
"Emily... I said no! What is some over-paid shrink going to do for me?" Paige climbed out of the bed this time knowing Emily wasn't going to let up, she grabbed a jacket hanging off the side of the chair next to the bed, gritting her teeth when she relised it was one of Emily's, having the scent of her girlfriend wrapped around was only adding to her frustration.
"Where are you going now, Paige? You need to confront this." Emily sat up as best as she could.
"I don't need to confront anything! I going to get some fresh air." Paige spat back angrily.
"Paige we should really talk about this, walking away won't help anything." Emily began to raise her voice out of frustration at Paige's stubbornness and unwillingness to open up about her nightmares.
"What's there to fucking talk about?! Drop it. It's just some stupid fucking nightmare... If I can get over it... so can you, Emily!" Paige replied just as irritated, exiting through the door out into a small courtyard outside of Emily self-contained room where she was staying at the rehabilitation centre in Philly.
"PAIGE!" Emily shouted, only to be met by the loud bang of her door slamming shut.
February 23rd
Paige half stumbled down the stairs when she heard a knocking at her front door, feeling the cold once she climbed out of bed she grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around her athletic frame to keep herself at least a little bit warm. Opening the door bleary eyed, it took her a minute to recognise the figure standing in front of her.
"Em... what are you doing here it's like 4am." Paige's voice was still laden with sleep as she squinted her eyes still trying to adjust to the lights on her porch and on the street.
Emily smiled, pretty sure she had fallen for Paige and all her cuteness all over again. She leaned forward as best as she could give her struggle with two crutches and placed a warm kiss to her girlfriend's lips.
"Happy Birthday my love." Emily whispered lustfully, to which Paige responded with a sleepy side smile. "Well can I come in, also you do realise it's only midnight." Emily chuckled lightly, at Paige thinking it was 4 am.
"Oh! Well It feels later... when you're awoken to loud unexpected banging on the door, looking at the time isn't really one of my top priorities." Paige moaned grumpily, as she helped Emily in through the door wrapping her arms around the girl's waist as extra support leading her into the den. The McCullers' den was basically like a second bedroom for Paige, she was the one who really used it, it was one of the few benefits of being part of a small family but living in a bigger than average house. Paige's lingering sleepiness a result of being awoken expectantly making Emily snigger playfully as she took a seat on the large sofa that lay perpendicular to two large French doors that opened out onto the McCullers' pool. "How did you even get here?" Paige shook her head still processing the fact Emily showed up on her door unexpected.
"Hanna. She doesn't go asleep at the old lady time of 9 o clock... but I mean Paige you are a year older now, I guess you need the extra sleep. Huh McCullers?" Emily nudged Paige when she sat down next to her girlfriend, she was still wrapped in the blanket which half covered her face but not enough to shield her exaggerated eye rolling at Emily's comment.
"I'm still younger that you, Fields." Paige mocked disdain.
"Whatever, oldie." Emily winked. "Now how about sharing some of that blanket with me, you look like ET at the minute with it wrapped around you like that." Emily laughed again as the imagery flitted in her mind.
"E.T phone home." Paige mocked furthering her girlfriend's hysterical laugher.
"As adorable as that was... your house is freezing at night can I share some of that blanket."
"Ugh fine... but only because I love you. I appreciate the surprise visit, Em... but you do know my birthday is not for another two days?" Paige reached forward to wrap the blanket around Emily, leaning in to capture a sweet peck from her girlfriend's lips while doing so.
"I know, but I have that surgery on Thursday, remember. Mom wants to drive up early Wednesday and so this was my best bet at getting to spend some time with you."
"Oh right, so will I just ride with you and your Mom to New York one day earlier then?"
"Paige you have that birthday dinner in Scranton with your relatives, you can't miss that."
"Ugh don't remind me... I guess, I'll just ride with Spencer, she going to head up Thursday night right she staying with her sister?"
"Yeah... anyway let's forget about that. I'm all yours for the next twenty four hours. I brought junk food, dvds, board games so wherever you want to start." Emily opened the rug sack she had been carrying on her back, pulling out random bags of candy, dusted cardboard boxes of old boardgames and a pile of old dvds.
"How about right here." Paige turned placing her hand on Emily's cheek before letting it trail into the girl's hair pulling her closer, a growing smile on Emily's face teasingly moving forward biting at her lip Paige pulled Emily into a heated kiss. The two hadn't been intimate since the accident, with Emily still in a lot of pain going any further than second base was pretty off limits, and even second base had only happened twice since the two got out of hospital. They were both extra cautious when it came to exploring the other's body, trying to avoid stitches, bruises and sore limbs was near impossible when things began to heat up. Paige was just grateful to get to spend some with Emily, everything was still a little hot and cold with them, and they fought a lot more now, mostly over stupid trivial things a result of frustration and pent-up energy. The natural, easy going element to their relationship had become overshadowed by this unspoken darkness that neither wanted to face. The time they spent in each other's presence was also changing, they now went two of three days without seeing one and other, one or the other making excuses about being busy or caught up with something, they still loved each other wholeheartedly but it was better for them at the minute if they just saw each other in sporadic visits.
"Are you ready for your birthday present?" Emily asked excitably.
"I guess..." Paige responded, she always felt awkward receiving gifts and presents in a way she felt like she was undeserving, or the person who was getting her the gift could have better spent their money on something else. It was just one of those things that still stuck with her from her insecure youth.
Emily began rooting through the bag once more pulling out a small gift bag, handing it over to her girlfriend. Paige took it, her eyes scanning the bag and the little box inside that was wrapped beautiful in a mint blue pastel coloured paper and pulled together with silver ribbon. Paige carefully unravelled the gift only to be left with another box this one white with silver inlay, opening it her eyes tears up. Inside was a small infinity necklace but what really took her breath away was the small charms dangling on the end of the chain next to the infinity symbol, one engraved with P the other E. Paige wasn't really big into jewellery choosing to only wear stud earrings, the odd leather bracelet or simple chains, but this was perfect, the silver chain was long enough to be kept inside her shirt, smiling softly as she imagined it being so close to her heart.
"Em... it's beautiful." Paige eventually pulled her eyes off the silver material to meet Emily's eyes that hadn't once stayed from taken in every single thought and expression that flashed through Paige's features.
"I'm glad you like it, Pay. You're always drawing the infinity design with your fingers on my skin."
"You noticed that?" Paige responded shyly, blushing slightly.
"Paige you've been doing it since high school, of course I've noticed. Along my arm when we're sat in my bedroom window seat, on my back after we...you know, and we're falling asleep together. The way you nuzzle your nose on my temple before sealing it with a kiss." A look of awe briefly flashing behind Emily's eyes, a smile of disbelief at Paige's obliviousness to Emily picking up on something she did not really thinking.
"You're my always and forever, Em." Paige's voice quivered. "You've been my always and forever since the very start, Emily." Tears glistening her eyes as the tension of recent weeks haunted the bad of her mind, her words stinging Emily but she did everything she could to hide it.
"I love you, Paige. Happy birthday." Emily whispered, capturing Paige's lips between her own for a moments embrace before leaning her forehead against the brunettes'.
"I love you, too."
February 28th
Spencer and Paige asked at reception to find out which room Emily was in, the young man yawned with disinterest before directing them down the hallway telling them to follow the signs for post-op (ortho) and then to look for room 406. It didn't take them long to find the room, and the two entered exited to see Emily after getting word from Pam she was out of surgery on time.
"Hey Love." Paige declared as she approached Emily, Mrs Fields was still chatting with the surgeon, waving briefly to the girls when they walked in.
"Paige?!" Emily uttered, still slightly dazed from the powerful aesthetic.
"Hey, how are feeling." Paige asked again leaning forward to give her girlfriend a gentle kiss on her forehead only to be pushed away by Emily.
"Hey Em, so how did it go." Spencer asked amicably, taking a seat next to her friend. "Aria and Han send their love by the way."
"It's done... it's over." Emily sneered, no emotion on her words. Spencer and Paige assuming Emily's off behaviour was a result of the aesthetic.
"That's a good thing, right? No more surgeries." Paige smiled her voice full of optimism.
"No Paige! It's not a fucking good thing. The whole thing was fucking pointless. The damage is too bad there was nothing more they could do." Emily jeered at her girlfriend, shooting a vicious glance before sinking down into the bed. Tears not far from being shed.
"Emily, that's not what the surgeon said. They said improvements may be seen with further rehabilitation work." Pam interrupted, upset to hear her daughter talk in such anger and disrespectful way.
"Mom we tried that, it's done. I may as well not have a right leg at all. What's the fucking point of trying anymore" Emily hissed at her mother, the look of distraught on Mrs Fields face was haunting.
"Em, maybe your Mom is right..." Paige tried again hoping to at least ease the tension between Emily and her mom.
"Paige would you stop with this eternal optimism, it's so fucking annoying. You were there too, yeah? You were the one driving! You crashed the car! How can you be so optimistic about this shitty situation?" Emily barked out, her words causing a heavy silence to descend around the room. Paige's face having paled significantly, she looked like she about to be sick. Her stance faltering as she leaned against the window sill for support momentarily wrapped up in shock.
"Em..." Spencer tried to interrupt knowing this wasn't going anywhere good, but the hurt was already etched on Paige face.
"You don't think I remember being there, Emily! You don't think it doesn't drive me insane every single day knowing I was the driver... because it kills me, Emily. It's killing me." Paige voice was weak, but the emotional pain and suffering that laced itself into her words made the girls inner torture significantly more evident.
"You're not the one still suffering Paige!" Emily chose to ignore her girlfriend's words, as she screech back another incensed response.
"Am I not?! The constant fighting, having to see you in such pain and hurting inside and out, I guess that has no impact on me at all." Paige hissed back with a hint of vicious sarcasm, her eyes reddened as she forced back steaming hot tears willing and ready to spill down her cheeks. Suddenly Paige broke, she was done with the fighting; "If I could I would swap place with you in an instant, Em." Her voice so quiet, emotionless, broken, destroyed and empty it would have been enough to silence a stadium packed full of people.
"You are the still the one who got us in this fucking mess in the first place..." Emily returned a wicked viciousness to her tone. Emily had noticed the level of Paige's desperate distress, she could see her girlfriend's tortuous and tormented suffering behind sunken tired eyes that seemed to grow only darker in past few minutes, but Emily couldn't help herself from wanting to twist the knife that one last time. It was strangely exhilarating and addictive, yet twisted, cruel and perverse, her own heart seethed in pain, it inflicted a new feeling, something more than just pity, anger or the unending physical pain that burned up her right leg and side. It was something new and different. This new thrilling pain inside of her only intensifying as she saw something within Paige break replaced with a greying emptiness, as she continued staring on blankly watching her defeated girlfriend stumble despairingly out of her room.
March 22nd
Emily sighed sadly when she saw Paige walk into the Brew alone, the two hadn't seen each in over three weeks, only talking through the odd text message or awkward phonecall which were full of more tense silences than actual conversation.
"Paige, Hey!" Hanna called out excitedly when she saw the brunette at the counter, chatting with the barista as she waited on her coffee. Paige turned around a little taken aback when she heard her named called out, forcing a smile onto her face as she decided it was probably best to go say hello.
"Hey, guys." Paige laughed uncomfortably, standing awkwardly against the table not knowing what to do with her hands or feet for that matter, she also avoided making any significant eye contact with her girlfriend. A moment passed when Paige felt something tugging at her hand, this time pulling her attention down to Emily who offered her a kind smile, and in that flash of a moment it seemed like everything was back to normal between, Emily could always make Paige forget the world and worries around her.
"Hi." Emily whispered softly, although their relationship was crumbling in front of their very eyes Emily still knew she could do nothing but love the woman stood in front of her especially with the way Paige's brown eyes melted into her own.
"Hi." Paige, unable to resist the natural pull Emily had over from from the very first moment she saw the girl, leaned down placing a quick but sweet kiss to her girlfriend's lips. She offered the girl a half smile before placing another peck to Emily's forehead then standing back up straight so she wasn't ignoring the rest of the group, her hand still held firmly and comfortably within the warmth of Emily's.
"So, Paige how are you?" Aria interjected, the other three girls smiling timidly as they watched the brief interaction between their best friend and her girlfriend. They knew of the troubles slowly tearing away at Emily and Paige's relationship, but the three remained hopeful their relationship would return to what it once was, after all it was Emily and Paige's relationship they had all somewhat envied at one point or another. Emily and Paige made up that perfect couple, but not that annoyingly, sickly perfect couple when you're willing a fight to break out between the two just so you know they have flaws too, or not perfect in the way their appeared perfect on outside but were crumbling into toxicity behind closed doors. Their relationship was perfect in the sense that awe, innocent surprise and bight-eyed astonishment never ceased to fade from their eyes that only lit up more when they fell into the other's presence forgetting about the world around them, of course they fought too and when they did it was a passionate, fiery event, both had tempers and strong, stubborn and competitive personalities only adding further substance to their arguments. They could be apart and still independent, not needing to be around the other all the time, they understood the other's boundaries and when they needed space, or an extra-long hug, or simply some quiet time. They appreciated the little things and discovered themselves in the mishaps or miscommunications. They weren't perfect in the literal sense of the word, but perfect in the Paige and Emily sense. Sadly, something had changed, things were crumbling and falling apart, neither tried to hide it but both fought on ignoring it, desperately afraid to face the consequences of what could be, and so they taped over the cracks hoping one day all would be restored, it was that optimism that Hanna, Spencer and Aria clinged on to, too.
"I'm okay, keeping busy. You know usual stuff" Paige brushed of the question.
"What's with all of the envelops? You taken shifts from the local mailman?" Spencer added jokingly, not realising her question would cause a sudden change to Paige's whole demeanour.
"They're resumes, I'm just handing a few around the area" Her voice low, timid and lacking any real confidence now.
"Wow, Paigey you're even more prepared that Spencer. It's only the first week of April and you're handing out applications for the summer season. Glad to hear you're not staying in California this summer though." Hanna added cheerfully.
"Actually, I'm looking for a job now. I'm not going back to Stanford." Paige bit at the inside of her lip.
"What?!" Emily suddenly dropped Paige's hand turning in her seat to face Paige, wincing somewhat when she turned too quickly and a sharp pain rocketed through her hip.
"Yeah, I decided to drop out... I didn't want to go back" Paige took an uneasy step back, rubbing at the back of her neck out of nervousness.
"What do you mean you decided to drop out, Paige?! What about swimming?!" Emily voice grew louder, a frustrated confusion left lingering.
"I called coach, she was annoyed, upset and disappointed about my leaving. But she also understands why I wanted to leave..."
"Well I'm glad someone understands why you wanted to leave... because as far as I knew you were going back for the start of spring quarter." Emily tossed out sarcastically.
"I wanted to tell you, Em. It's just..."
"It's just what, Paige? You forgot where my house is?! How to pick up a phone and call or text? How technologically works that you couldn't message me?" Emily rolled her eyes out of pure disbelief.
"You know it takes two to lose contact, Emily! So don't you dare put this all back on me." Paige shouted back irritated by Emily rational, their raised voices grabbing the attention of a few customers trying to enjoy their lunch. "How was I supposed to go back Stanford without you?"
"Umm you get on a plane and you just go." Emily spat back matter of fact.
"Don't be so fucking stupid, Emily." Paige returned, growing more annoyed by Emily's smart-ass responses. The other three girls sat back into their seats, trying to converse amongst themselves but it was difficult not to be pulled into the drama.
"What?! I am not allowed to be surprised or frankly pissed your given up your dream university. Can I not be annoyed my girlfriend forgot to communicate a life changing decision? What are you going to do now wait tables in Rosewood?" Emily rolled her eyes, sighing irritably.
"Maybe! It was only my dream university because you were there too... you know I was over swimming competitively... and I hated my damn course, but forget all that. I'm done wasting my time on this conversation! When you're ready to 'communicate' and have stopped being such a hypocrite, you know my number and where I live too... unless of course, you've forgotten." Paige rasped in return, turning on her heels to walk out door.
"It's not my fuckin' fault I can't go back to Stanford." Emily spat out once more, Hanna, Aria and Spencer visible grimacing at her choice of words.
"I KNOW!" Paige turned once more to face Emily, this time her facial expression returning to that of honest whiplashed hurt instead of red-hot anger.
I know. The words replaying in her head as she walked out the door, happy for some more fresh air knowing she needed it to force off her oncoming panic attack.
"Em... maybe that was a little harsh?" Hanna finally spoke.
"Hanna, just stay out of it okay?" Emily sighed crossly, she knew what her friend had said was right, but she couldn't help it. "I still love her. I love her so much... I know the constant fighting is tearing Paige apart. But I just get so caught up in the moment." Emily mumbled sadly this time.
"Why, are you letting things carry on like this though?" Spencer interjected.
"I blame her... I know I shouldn't but I do, it's the only way I can accept the things that happened. It's the only way they make sense. I know she blames herself too, I think that makes it's easier. You can see the guilt in her eyes. When I get angry over this stupid situation or any of the stupid fucking, god-awful off springs as a result of the crash I put it all back on her, and I know it's terrible but in a way it works in my favour when we're apart. I don't have to see the exhaustion, the guilt, the self-hatred hidden within her tired eyes, I push her away because I don't feel deserving of her endless love for me. She looks at me the same as she did the day before the accident even happened, and I hate it. I want her to be angry at me, too. Her guilt over this whole situation stops her from doing that. She blames herself and I do nothing but re-inforce it." Emily whimpered, tears circling her eyes before making an escape down her cheeks.
"Emily, it can't keep going on like this." Spencer added sympathetically.
"I know... I just don't want to break her heart." Emily replied sadly.
April 16th
It was just another one of those miserable days, Paige wrapped up warmly grabbing her coat, scarf, hat and put on her boots but even the numerous layers of clothing could ward off the cold damp weather outside, it was unusually cold and wet for a day in April. It was one of days where everything was grey and monotonous, the sky an endless sea of impregnated and heavy clouds. The rain a constant drizzle, a cold stream that soaked your clothes almost going unnoticed but still somehow edged it's way into your bones. Walking along the familiar path, one that was haunted by her slow easy-going footsteps, other times almost going untouched when she had to run home afraid of missing curfew, the conversations they had shared just days ago replaying in her mind, of course the reminder of angry words spoken in haste seeping in too. They didn't really talk anymore, at least not in the way they use too, or in the way lovers should talk, but maybe this was better than fighting.
Looking up knowing she was close, Paige saw Mrs Fields packing the car, a shy wave shared between the two once the older woman noticed her presence.
"Do you want to come inside, sweetheart?" Pam asked a kind smile on her lips, as her motherly nature took over worried Paige mind get sick giving the horrendous weather.
"I think I'll stay out here on the porch, thanks though." Paige pushed the wet hair on her forehead to the side, the hat she was wearing unable to fight off the work of nature, Pam nodding knowing it was best not to push.
"She'll be down in a minute, she's just saying goodbye to the girls." Paige nodded understanding, taken a seat on the porch steps, so many memories, laughs, tears, kisses, I love yous and goodbyes all shared here too, a spiteful laugh slipping from her lips as she remember all the memories shared on the Fields' porch.
It was the sound of crutches that she heard first, immediately recognising it as Emily walking out the front door.
"Hey." The words spoken with unease.
"Hey." Paige responded standing this time before following Emily to take a seat on the bench. "So, you all packed?"
"I think so... we're still going to keep the house here, so I didn't have to pack everything." Emily explained. "You know this is going to be our first time really apart in two years." Emily half laughed but it only added weight the unhinged tension.
"Really? It kinda feels like we're already miles apart these past few weeks."
"Paige, can we not fight. Not today"
"Sorry. I will miss you, Em. You are kinda impossible not to miss." Paige laughed a little more light-heartedly this time, Emily smiling genuinely now too. The brief moment, a nano-second of escape for the two girlfriends, these moments were far and few between them recently.
"I will be back. You know I'll be back here for summer." Emily explained.
"I know. I just worry you'll not want to come back... there's not much left in Rosewood." Paige looked at the decking, scrubbing her boot against the wooden grooves momentarily entranced by the feel.
"Paige you'll be here. I love you, you're all I need to want to return to Rosewood."
"...And what about the fighting, the anger, the distance, the..."
"Paige, stop. Look at me." Emily requested as she placed her hands, one on each of Paige's cheeks carefully. "We'll get through this. I love you." Emily moved forward, sealing her words with gentle kiss.
"I know." Paige replied, a lie. She really wasn't sure if they could get through this, she wasn't sure if Emily could still love her.
"Emmy, your Father's on the phone he wants to talk to you before our flight." Pam walked out onto the porch.
"Okay, I be there in a second, Mom."
"I should get going anyway. Goodbye Em." Paige leaned forward capturing another sweet embrace from her love's soft lips, the kiss lingering neither wanted to part as they lips moved together gently.
"See you later, Pay." Emily called out as Paige walked down the porch steps back out into the cold unending rain, specifically choosing her words to show Paige this wasn't the end for them.
"Em!" Paige called hoping to grab Emily attention before she re-entered the house.
"Yeah?"
"I love you, too." This time no lie was uttered.
May 23rd.
"Hey dude, I'm totally going to kick your ass in pool." Toby nudged Caleb's shoulder as the two made their way towards the entrance to the hungry owl tavern.
"Good luck with that, Cavanaugh." Caleb smirked, before a sudden influx of shouting caught the two's attention.
"Woah, looks like we arrived just in time for front row seats to the boxing match" Toby laughed, the Hungy Owl Tavern was pretty much a dive and the sight of people fighting outside really wasn't all that uncommon.
"Leave her alone." The voice laced with hot anger. Toby and Caleb recognising immediately as Paige's voice. They ran to get closer trying to push their way into the crowd. Paige was getting between drunk man and a woman, using all her strength to push the man away.
The broad shouldered man turned to Paige, vicious anger in her eyes. "Don't you tell me what to do, y'hear young lady. Stay out of it."
"Put one more finger on that woman and you'll be sorry." Paige spat back, Caleb and Toby now noticing the sway in her step too, no doubt pumped up on alcohol.
"Go home to bed, sweetheart. Or maybe you can come home with me, might change you of your sick ways." The man licked his lips, approaching Paige. As he came closer he was met with a strong right fist to his jaw, recoiling in pain his elbow caught Paige hitting her nose and upper lip. Caleb and Toby eventually got through the crowd, worried and frustrated that no one else was even bothered to do anything about the fight. Toby grabbed Paige throwing her over his shoulder in one swift movement, the girl trashing about in his hold adrenaline pumping and she was all set to continue fighting.
Toby placed her into the back of his car, Caleb hopping in beside her "What the fuck was that all about Paige, you could have got yourself killed."
"Who the fuck cares? Let me out of the car, Caleb." Paige pushed the man sat beside her, only for him to push her back down into the seat maybe a little too rough but he knew she could take it.
"Paige, you realise how bad things have gotten. You're out here drinking every night, sometimes it seems like you're on more than just alcohol. Getting into fights, getting thrown out of places. Avoiding your friends." Caleb spoke with a firmness
"What friends? Pru's in fuckin' Tampa. If you haven't noticed Caleb I'm not great when it comes to friends." Paige spat back, trying once again to push passed Caleb, her attempt futile after hearing Toby click the lock button on his keys.
"What about us? Or the girls?" Caleb questioned.
"You're Emily's friends." Paige hissed, Caleb simply scoffing at her ridiculous remarks.
"Paige you can't keep this up, you're going to end up dead."
"So... and who the fuck cares?" Paige rolled her eyes defensively.
"Don't talk like that. Does Emily know what's going on?"
"Hell if I know... she won't talk to me." Paige shrugged off his questioning, acting like she didn't care but as soon as he mentioned Emily she felt herself begin to crumple.
"Paige I care about you, a lot. You and I are cut from the same cloth, we have this fucking ten weight tonne chip on shoulder because we're sure the world is against us in everything we do. You need to get over it, Cull. I don't want to see you hurt." Caleb nudged Paige again, she didn't respond simply laying back into the car staring ahead blankly.
"Why the fuck are we at the Hastings'?" Paige have you seen the state of yourself in the mirror, your upper lip is swollen and busted, you nose is still pouring blood, you knuckled are cut and bruised." Caleb explained walking with Paige towards the back door of Spencer's house following closely behind Toby, who entered first.
"Shit, what the hell happened." Spencer shot up on seeing Paige. Paige not responding in any way sat down on the couch.
"Woah Paige." Hanna added, a shocked look on her face.
"Spencer do you have beer, I don't suspect Caleb will allow me have anything stronger." Paige remarked sarcastically, she had really become this darkened, cynical and jaded person ever since Emily left.
"Umm sure." Spencer added, grabbing a beer from the fridge passing it to Toby to hand to Paige as she went to work looking for the first aid kit, and some frozen peas. Paige sat back kicking her feet up on the table, grabbing the beer and chugging about half the bottle in one go before rooting in her pocket she eventually pulled out a worn packet of cigarettes and a zippo lighter, lighting the cigarette nonchalently like it was something she always did.
"So you smoke now? That's... umm... that's new?" Hanna added, still trying to process this unknown version of Paige, bloodied, drunk, sad and smoking sitting in front of her.
"Yeah, I guess." Paige responded shrugging her shoulders defensively once more. Spencer rolling her eyes knowing a lot of this behaviour was down to her relationship struggles with Emily. Spencer walked towards Paige wanting to get a better look at her injuries placing the frozen peas onto the girls hand, Paige quickly flinched in pain but also because she didn't feel the need to be looked after, she didn't feel deserving. "Can you just leave me alone, Spencer? Can I not just go home? I'm fine. I don't need help."
"No you're staying here tonight, and stop being so stubborn." Spencer ordered as she grabbed Paige's hand with a little more force this time so Paige couldn't pull away anymore.
Paige remained quite then, finishing off the bottle of beer and lighting up another cigarette hoping it would help mask the pain she was currently experiencing as Spencer rubbed alcohol into her cuts and cleaned up some of the blood.
"See all done."
"Whatever." Paige replied, standing up and walking off to find the toilet having visit the Hastings' household a few times she knew where to go. The slight uneasy sway in her walk still clearly evident as the others could only look on with worry.
"Does Em, know how bad things are?" Toby asked.
"They don't talk, at least I know Emily won't. She's pushing Paige away. She in denial over the whole thing. Neither have tried to talk about the real details of the crash, both are obviously struggling, but Emily's not open to anything, she's just angry and won't listen and Paige is grieving and being swallowed up with guilt, and heart break. It's heart-breaking to see." Spencer replied sadly, her words being interrupted by the sound of stomach-churning, uneasy and broken sobs coming from the bathroom, everyone knowing what they were. Hanna and Spencer shared a look, getting up off the couch to go help Paige.
The blonde and brunette, entered the small bathroom picking the heartbroken girl up. No words were exchanged as Paige continued to weep desolately into Hanna's shoulder. The two leading her up the stairs to the guest bedroom where she would collapse for the night.
"I just wish she knew how sorry I was..." Paige uttered brokenly through wretched sobs.
June 12th
It was a warm June day, when Paige had received the message from Emily that she was back in town. Paige panicked initially, she was excited but also frankly a little terrified. This was the first piece of contact the two had in about month. They had stopped skype calling each other, oftentimes just making lame excuses of being busy or simply ignoring the calls, the texts and phone calls had quickly fizzled out as well neither really knowing what to say anymore. Paige was slowly getting herself back on track and was hanging out with Caleb a lot more, he had become something of a brother figure to her over the past few weeks. She applied to do new courses that she actually had an interest in studying some were in the US, others in Europe and Canada. and even one in New Zealand. The courses in university on the other side of the world were often plucked out and chosen when she felt like she needed to escape, wanting to get away from everything she knew in Rosewood, even though she and Emily were thousands of miles apart sometimes it still wasn't enough, the girl simply seeking a way to go as far away as possible. The only person who knew of her fleeting thoughts to get away was Caleb, she didn't even tell her parents knowing they'd be most likely discouraging when it came to the types of course she picked, having sought out course down the creative and arty line.
The two girls had decided to meet at the Brew, Emily knowing when she sent the text it would probably be best if they were surrounded by other people. If silence, awkwardness and tension surrounded at least they would have the atmosphere of the other lunch-goers to take some of that away. It was almost like choosing a good first date setting. Emily was sitting comfortably in the back of the café when she heard the bell chime sitting up she looked around, a gentle smile etching itself on her face as soon as she saw her girlfriend walk in. Emily could tell instantly that Paige was nervous given the way she was holding one arm across her body, her eyes scanning the room in search of the familiar face. She too smiled shyly as soon as she met Emily's eye line, with all the tension that lingered between them, the two couldn't help that magnetic attraction that was still so evident between them. Paige blushing a slight crimson colour ducking her head to hide it, before approaching Emily's table towards the back.
"Hi." Emily whispered, pointing to the couch hoping Paige would take a seat beside her, she would be lying if she didn't admit to herself just how much she had missed her girlfriend.
"Hi, Em. How have you been?" Paige responded somewhat awkwardly. This really did seem like it was their first date ever, like they had never met before. The greeting full of formalities, the two sat at an uncomfortable distance, neither knowing what was appropriate to do or to say.
"I've been okay... I guess. You?" Emily replied.
"Yeah... umm well, you know." Paige half laughed, Emily edged closer the two hadn't even touched yet, their physical connection was something they both considered important and loved about their relationship, but lately the two were almost afraid to touch the other. "How's your leg, I see your still on crutches." Paige asked her eyes trailing the length of Emily's leg and hip, missing the visible grimace to flash across Emily face.
"Can we talk about something else?" Emily asked hesitantly, her leg showed no sign of improvements and still gave her quite a bit of pain. Her injuries were an incredibly source of frustration, especially because so far everything Emily had tried, the doctors had tried was only showing up minimal improvements. Her willingness to even try to get better was going downhill rapidly, her hope of recovery had dwindled weeks ago too the biggest hit no doubt coming from the moment the surgeons told her there was nothing else surgically they could do, leaving Emily resigned to the fact she was always going to suffer with her injured right side.
"Sorry..." Paige sighed, chastising herself for even bringing it up.
"Oh yeah, I went and ordered you a decaf vanilla latte... I hope that's okay?" Emily uttered when she noticed the waitress approaching with two coffees in hand.
"Yeah, that's fine. Thanks." Paige smiled, this time reaching forward tentatively to squeeze Emily hand showing gratitude.
"Paige... I'm sorry about the lack of..." Emily began.
"Can we not talk about that either?" Paige interrupted.
"Okay." Emily replied offering a smile, silence wrapping itself around them. "Sooo... I ran into Lucas Grottesman, he was just leaving as I came in. Did you know he's engaged now, his girlfriend or should I say fiancée is really nice, they look good together." Emily started a more neutral conversation.
"Really wow, good on him. Lucas is a really good guy." Paige replied a little more energetically this time
"He is. I'm happy things worked out for him." Emily added.
The two continued chatting easily from that point onwards over the next two hours, moving closer as Emily lay head on Paige's shoulder, the two becoming more comfortable played with one and other's hands laughing and giggling like they were overly-amused teenage girls.
Paige offered to walk Emily home, the walk was slow giving Emily's limited ability with the crutches but the nice day made their slow pace more enjoyable, as the two continued conversing and teasing one and other, it almost seemed like things were back to normal. Paige kissed Emily goodbye, smiling like idiot as she walked away, not realising the smile on Emily's face would falter as soon as she closed her front door collapsing to the ground overwhelmed with emotion, sadness and anger washing over her pain surging through her right hip as she landed on the ground wrong causing a gargling gasp of pain to escape her lips.
Things at face value seemed to return to normal for Emily and Paige, they were laughing together again. Paige showed how great and happy she felt again or at least pretended, Emily pretended too.
It was almost like the two roles had somehow switched over night, Paige was the one who seemed to be doing okay now, and Emily was the one struggling. Dark circles under Emily's eyes only grew darker, the only visible sign that gave her away. To most people in the outside world they seemed normal, just another couple in love but their friends still picked up on the underlying problems, none of them wanting to say anything holding out hope that they could push through this thing. Their parents noticed too instead of fighting with Emily, Paige had resorted to taken her anger and frustration out on Nick and Pam, Pam's worries only increasing the day she came home to find Emily in pain collapsed on the floor next to their front door, she can't remember the last time she fell asleep without hearing Emily whimpering, crying herself to sleep or throwing something enraged or in a wave of anger. Emily and Paige noticed the differences, but continued this game of 'normality' the two afraid of where the alternative might lead them.
Of course there was still the little remarks, made mostly by Emily. The blame game still remained a prominent third party in their relationship, Emily oftentimes reminding Paige of the fact she was the driver, sometimes even offering up what she would have done in the situation to combat them getting into such an awful position. Paige shrugged them off, once again pretending like they went unnoticed. She was better at hiding now, hiding her hurt when Emily threw off the cuff but wicked remarks at her, hiding the panic attacks she had most days, hiding the pain in her heart.
But none of that mattered because to the outside world they seemed like another perfectly normal, couple in love and maybe one day if they continued the game long enough, that would be enough for them.
July 28th
Paige was in the kitchen cleaning up after cooking herself some dinner when she heard a knock on the door, her eyebrows knitted together out of confusion as she wasn't expecting anyone and it was a little late in the evening for one of the neighbours to be calling. She was also the only one home, her parents having gone to Scranton for the weekend to visit Paige's paternal grandparents.
"Hello?" Paige called out, peeking through the peep hole before opening the door, only to see Emily standing on the step. "Hey, Em... I wasn't expecting you tonight, but come on in." Paige voice higher now having noticed Emily.
"Umm... Paige, I'm not staying for long." Emily's voice was hoarse, her eyes visible red showing signs she had been crying.
"Okay well, did you leave something here the last day" Paige question baffled by Emily's current behaviour.
"Paige, we can't keep doing this." Emily stated simply, her expression unmoving.
"Doing what?" the slightest hint of urgency hung on Paige's voice this time.
"We're done. It's over." Emily droned, no emotion left lingering on her tone.
"What?! Emily what's going on?" Paige urged, looking for a reasonable explanation
"We need to break-up."
"No! No, Stop Emily! Don't say that. You can't just make this decision! You can't make that call!" Paige responded her voice louder and harsher this time.
"It's over, Paige." Emily sighed, seeing the world begin to crumble within the other's girls glassy eyes.
"It's not fucking over. You still love me don't you? I know you do, so why are you doing this. You still love me!" Paige shouted this time, placing a hand on each of Emily's shoulder pleading with her.
"I try so hard to forget. It's too hard." Emily spoke softly, her voice laced with melancholy.
"Emily just answer my fuckin' question, you do still love me, right?"
"Paige, what do you want me to say? Every time I look at you I see nothing but memories of a time when we were happier, when I wasn't in pain, when I could walk and run. When everything around me didn't seem so dark and confusing." Emily explained.
"Emily, you still love me?" Paige's once fiery voice a second ago, was now whimper, her legs going weak beneath her. This couldn't be happening. She knew they were in a bad place but never in her wildest dream could she imagine Emily breaking up with her.
"I wish I could say yes..." Emily started, looking away unable to see the retched, suffocating heart break swallowing Paige up.
"You're lying. Why are you lying?!" Paige pleaded desperately, opening weeping at this stage.
"Paige, a bigger part of me hates the fact that you were driving the car that day... I hate that you still look at life like it hasn't changed. I hate that you're still so optimistic. I hate that you're still fighting for this, our relationship even though I don't deserve it. I hate that your love or faith in me never once faltered, even though I have given you enough reasons to hate me. This is the only way." Emily uttered, tears streaming down her face now too.
"No it's not... please, Em... just not this."
"Paige, you deserve better." Emily bit at her lip.
"That's what I had." Paige eyes now shallow, her glance now falling to ground.
"Paige..."
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry I was driving that day, Em. I'm sorry I got us in this fucked up mess. I'm sorry for everything. Just please... please don't do this, Emily. I love you, Emily. Please no."
"See, this is why I have to do this... and maybe it's selfish..."
"It is fucking selfish! I love you more than anything in this world, Em."
"That's the problem, Paige. I can't make myself feel the same way back. The accident changed everything. I spent so much my time, our time trying to fight the hatred, but I'm exhausted. The hatred wins. I hate what it has done to us, I hate that I blame you..." Emily choked out.
"Em..." Paige voice a strangled cry.
"Goodbye, Paige." Emily spoke clearer, more definite this time as she momentarily held back the tears, ignoring the voice in head and heart telling her not to do this, revelling in the toxicity of her pain. She then turned her back on Paige's shattered form to the walk out the door, not knowing when or if they'd ever see one another again.
The sound of the door the moment Paige's body gave, collapsing hard to the ground as momentous, earth shattering cries ripped through her body. Emily fighting with herself and her inner turmoil not to turn back, knowing if she turned around to look back at Paige; the girl she did still love, she would probably change her mind.
[A/N] Honestly writing this chapter was incredibly difficult, I'm not sure if I'm even happy with the way it turned out. It was difficult trying to translate the story of their relationship breakdown in my head onto the page. Trying to stay true their characters and write them in a way that their reasoning behind things actually made sense was a struggle. Emily was incredibly difficult to write in this chapter, trying to get her story across especially because she's the catalyst for everything that happens. Paige is definitely more passive and although she goes through an emotional roller coaster it's all a tangent of Emily's actions, thoughts and her emotional journey.
Anyway thanks again for reading. Don't forget let me know your thoughts on the chapter via pm or please review. :)
I really looking forward to writing the next chapter, Emily and Paige will slowly start to re-connect. Only their relationship progress will happen properly this time, no more avoiding the past or allowing their past to dictate their future. ;)
Until next time.