It was all white in the beginning as far as I can remember. White as an egg, it was. I know I asked myself lots of questions like who was I? Where was I? Who are you? Who are they? I don't remember anything before this white place with its shiny objects I couldn't name and swinging lights. Was this my home? I was kind of wet and not dressed and there were men and women in white coats with rubber gloves were running around mumbling words I didn't understand and looking at everything like they were scanning it. I didn't have any hair and I didn't speak because I didn't know how…I wasn't sure if I even could speak. There were others who were about my size so I figured they were about my age. One of those people in their funny white coats looked me over, tilted my head back and stared at my neck, then wrote something down very quickly mumbling to herself. She tapped my lips with a small piece wood and asked me to open. That weird wooden stick prodded about my mouth and under my tongue which left this weird taste in my mouth. Lots of other tools were put on me and around me. Cold metal things and sharp things poked into my skin. After it was all done I met with a man who wore specs on his face and seemed to smile kindly at me.
"Hello number 12, I am Doctor Clerval, and you are a very special boy. Can you lift that chair over there for me?"
I didn't understand him very much but with some help I understood what he meant. I picked up the chair and held it high over my head. He smiled at me and even clapped calling it wonderful. I picked up many other things each one bigger than the last but felt like nothing in my hands. Much more praise was given to me and I felt I had done something good. I had made the nice man happy. It was a warm feeling. The good doctor let me play with toys and other people who had no hair like I did and numbers for names. We played on the slide and did puzzles while behind a funny kind of mirror we were watched by the coat covered people who seemed so interested in us. I was taught how to paint using my fingers and was commended for my artwork. I was taught how to speak as well and said many things. Circle, that was my first word. I learned numbers but never learned to read. The doctor always gave me pets on the head and fed me chocolate pudding. I was also given pills and sharp pokes with a needle which I didn't like but the dear doctor was always there to put a Band-Aid on it and kiss my ouchies. I was his favorite, that's what he said. So as his favorite I tried to shine in whatever task I was given. If I was asked to lift a cement block I would do so, if I was asked to punch through brick walls I would do so, and if I was asked to swing around columns of marble I would do so. I knew I was strong, much stronger than he was, than any of them were. I had also figured that I was stronger than most, even more strong than the others. I had friends and for a while I was happy but I wanted to go outside. I could hear the bird chirping and wanted to play with them. What was it like out there? Was it all sunny and green like in the pictures I was shown in my wordless books? Was it warm like the over head lamps in the hot room they sometimes put me in? Did it smell the way it did like when the rain fell from the sky? What did rain feel like? What did it taste like? I was taught songs too. The ittsy bitsty spider was one of the first.
"But why does the spider keep going on? It will just rain again…"
"My dear boy the spider doesn't know that. He only wants to get where he's going."
"What do spiders look like?"
"Well they are small and have eight spindly legs."
"What is….spindly?"
"Thin and frail. Spiders are very fragile and they make little webs in the corner of damp dark places where they sit and wait for their food. Ah there's one now."
My eyes sat there watching a black spider crawl around on the beautiful little web making fancy designs and so proud of her work was she that she stood there in the middle as if to show it off. It ate flies, I was told, and so I caught one midair and this only delighted the doctor. I watched this spider bundle up this little gift and feast upon it. I felt bad for the fly but I supposed that things must die in order for other things to survive. It was sad really…I wondered if one day I would die too. I cried and he wiped my tears and sang to me but not in that way he normally did. My good doctor spoke three languages and only one I knew. I had begun to try to figure out the other one.
"There now. You are much too grown up to be crying. Goodness I cannot coddle you like an infant all the time."
"Doctor…one day I'd like to go outside. Can I one day, go out there like you sometimes do? Can I play in the rain and sunshine?"
"Perhaps one day my boy, but not today. The world isn't ready to see your special skills just yet."
"My special skills…?" I asked him, looking at my hands.
"That's right. You are a very special boy."
He always said that to me and I'm sure he said that to the others for at least one of them was a boy I think. Hard to know since they had no hair and wore the funny dress I did. We played more games through the day and colored and played but I still never got to go outside. I'm sure one day Doctor will take me outside with him and we can all play hopscotch or leapfrog or pick flowers. I'd like that. Once though I had overheard a conversation between the doctor and another person about number twelve. I was number twelve and I knew that so I listened closely.
"How long do you intend to keep this up?"
"Keep what up exactly, Doctor Freudman?"
"This charade between you and number twelve. You treat him like a child."
"He is a child."
"Be that as it may he is not your child and he is not just any child. You all but bottle feed him. You can't go on pretending like this with him. Drop this now."
"I'm not pretending anything I just-"
"You have grown soft to him and have forgotten the true essence of our mission. You know that if any of this goes awry you will have to execute him so it's best to just detach yourself like the rest of us."
"…Very well…but I'm more than certain nothing will happen."
I don't remember much after that except that I was given more shots, ran on an endless track with things attached to me, fed and put to bed. When I awoke and was brought to his room for what they called 'evaluation' I gazed at the spider who was so small she could crawl out and enjoy the feel of the grass on her tiny feet. I envied her but she was the only animal I knew outside of the occasional rat or bunny in the lab and so I loved her too. The doctor looked me up and down avoiding my eyes too much and gave me a lollipop telling me to be on my way.
"Doctor," I said before I left the room, "What does execute mean?"
"Where did you hear such a word?"
"I'm not sure… what does it mean? I know cute is what I am…and what the rabbit is….what does the Exe mean? Extra cute?"
"No no my b-number twelve. Execute: To carry out something."
"Oh…alright then! Thank you, Doctor."
I was still confused by what that meant then. They will carry me out? As in pick me up or lift me? Will they carry me out of here? Will I finally go outside? I joined my friends on the play area where we built towers of blocks. I shared my lolly with them and we talked softly about things. I told them that M. Spindly the spider had built a new web and that I was given extra shots today. It all seemed like a normal day until I hear this strange loud noise like a bird screaming. There were flashes of red light and people shuffling about sounding worried or panicked. My eyes looked upstairs where the noise was coming from. What was going on? Was the doctor in trouble? I heard a lot of yelling about burning the evidence and words I haven't heard but were sure they were bad ones. Then the doctor came in. I was sure he would explain it to us whatever all the fuss was about. If there was danger I was sure he would get us out of it. Then he pulled out a strange device I had never seen that made a loud pop. My friend number five went down to the ground and red liquid streamed out of his head. Blood. This was blood. He was dead just like the fly. Then number ten went down the same way. My heart hurt….I was scared…I was terrified….I was frightened. Doctor….Why….He turned his gun on me. He meant to kill me….and then I realized what Execute really meant. I was your special boy….Your special….
I can't exactly make out what I did next but I had to get out of there to save my own life. I would not die. Not here not like that! I was covered in blood from my friends from that man…that doctor who betrayed me. I ran I ran as fast as my legs could carry me Past all the dead people thinking I was their fly this whole time. I was their fly. I WAS THEIR FLY. I had reached an opening up above me and the air was cool. There were two people standing there, a tall man with shiny eyes and black clothes and a young boy who was dressed up very fancy. The boy stopped the man before he did anything and asked my name. My name? All I knew was that I was number twelve. He took my home with him. I was given a bath and new clothes. I had met new people. I was to live in this big house. I should have been happy…but I didn't trust him…what if he meant to harm me too? What if they all did? What if they meant to use me and then execute me? But my hair grew blonde and he said he liked it, he said it was nice and beautiful, and he gave me a name. Finnian. Then he gave me a book to read and a hat to wear, a bed to sleep in, food to eat, a job I must do that was outside with flowers and trees and grass. My new master. My Ciel Phantomhive who was so small like I was. He knew me as not a number but an individual. He admired me and valued me. Mr. Sebastian who was so tall and smart taught me how to read and since then I have read the Finny book many many times though I always have trouble with some of the words. I had friends again but they were much older than I was. The clumsy maid who was so sweet and lovely, the chef who burned all the meals but was strong and handsome and funny, and the old butler who made me giggle and taught me how to control my strength more.
I could be happy here. I was happy here. Happy at last. I could go outside. I could grow things. I wasn't just some useless tool to be used. I meant something…I had a purpose! My strength which had been a curse now was a gift that I could use to protect my beloved master and my beloved home full of beloved people. I have thought about whether I would die again and whether I could kill again but I decided for this little boy with his serious face and pretty eyes blue like the sky I could do it. I would do it. He deserved that much after what he gave me and so for my master I will kill and for my master I will die.