AN: Frisk POV time! Head's up, both Frisk & Chara are non-binary. It's a thing. They both go by 'they'. (Also, Frisk is selectively mute sort of, that's why they sign sometimes.)
I love the narrator!Chara theory with all my heart meaning they're still not a murderous demon, just a fucking nerd with a Lot of issues. Through the course of the game they and Frisk came to depend on each other for a lot. Adjusting to being your own person again isn't exactly easy, for either of them.
Comments are love, comments are life, etc etc, you all know the drill. Enjoy!
You're sitting at the breakfast table when Chara disappears.
You're kicking your feet under the table, idly swinging them back and forth, and making what you hope is appropriate breakfast conversation with Toriel. Mainly you're just humming a lot in what is probably the right places. You're not really paying attention. Chara is being distracting.
"Would you prefer the chocolate milk or the regular milk today, my child?" she asks.
Chocolate, Chara says.
You try not to roll your eyes. It's my turn today, you tell them, so, no.
Come on Frisk, they wheedle, Just this once. I'll do your English homework for you.
You pretend to consider it, then send them the general feeling of a shrug. Nope.
"Regular, please," you tell Toriel. Chara groans. Traitor. You are, by far, the worst person I've ever had to share a body with. I swear I'll talk through all your lessons, just you wait.
You hide your smile behind your spoon. They wouldn't, and both of you know it. Number one perk of sharing a body: if either of you gets in trouble, both of you have to make up for it, and if you miss out on information in school you'll have to spend twice as long reading at home. Which might be fun if it wasn't school books.
You're pretty confident they wouldn't deliberately get you in trouble even if you weren't sharing a body anyways. It's been a long time since they were anything other than helpful.
Toriel hands you the milk. You smile brightly at her and wait placidly for Chara to lose patience and start nagging you again. It only takes them about thirty seconds.
I just don't understand, they say, chocolate is amazing, everything that tastes of chocolate is amazing, ergo, chocolate milk is also amazing. It's the food of gods, Frisk. How can you just not like it?
It's too sweet, you say serenely and start pouring it into your bowl.
Too sweet? Chara says disbelievingly. Frisk. Frisk. Listen-
-and then they're gone. There's no warning, no gradual fade-away, just their voice cutting off mid-sentence, and a sudden silence.
Your smile freezes on your face. Chara…? They've stopped talking to you for seemingly no reason several times in the past, when something reminds them of things they'd rather not think about, or when you've inadvertently pissed them off, but it hasn't been like this. This is different. You can't feel them. There's always a corner of your mind that isn't your own, a presence that over time has grown to be comforting, but now when you send a probing thought their way there's nothing there. It's empty.
Chara this isn't funny
They don't reply, of course they don't, they wouldn't do this to you on purpose.
Black spots are dancing before your eyes and there's a strange whooshing sound in your ears. You feel dizzy. You feel- you feel-
The milk drops from your fingers and splashes over the table as you clamp your hands over your ears. You back from the table until your back hits the wall and you can push into it, sliding down to the floor so you can curve into yourself, be smaller, disappear. Someone is touching your arms but you can't deal with that right now, shaking your head and tightening your grip over your ears. Everything is so loud. Your heartbeat is so loud.
Chara please
It doesn't make sense but it feels like it echoes, like your mind has gone from being a home to a desolate cave. They're not there.
Come back
please
I need you to come back
But nobody comes.
When you come back to your senses you're on the couch instead of the floor, and someone is stroking your hair.
Chara? you send out, with the weak hope that you just imagined it, but they don't respond. Your mind is still more spacious than it should be. They're really gone.
You take a deep, shuddering breath, and try to sit up.
The hand in your hair stills. Toriel makes a concerned noise and helps you up, hand on your shoulders. "Frisk," she says, cautiously, "I am glad you're awake. Are you feeling better, my child?"
You nod, pause, and then shake your head. You open your mouth to speak but you can already tell words are sort of beyond you right now, so you raise your hands to your chest to sign instead. They're shaking. 'Sort of.' You quickly follow it up with an 'I'll be fine though,' trying to convince yourself more than her.
"Could you tell me what it was that set you off?"
You shrug.
"Frisk, please," she says, still calm and careful, but with a thread of frustration. "I cannot help you if I do not know what happened. Nor can I guarantee I won't say… whatever I said to startle you so badly if you will not explain to me what it was."
You press your lips together and instinctively hunch your shoulders. 'Really I'll be fine,' you insist, 'I just need some air be back in a bit bye' and then you're up on your feet and leaving, darting out the door even as Toriel is telling you "Wait-"
Outside the air is cool and you take a deep breath, let it settle in your lungs, and then you run and run until your legs are aching and you're far enough away that no one will think to look for you there, and you can finally let yourself fall into a little pile on the ground. The leaves crackle beneath you. In your pocket your phone is buzzing insistently, but you don't pick up.
You can't talk to her about this.
You wish you could, but you can't. You can't talk to anybody about this.
None of the others know that Chara exists.
You've wanted to tell them so many times, and you think sometimes they've suspected something's up, when something startles Chara and they lash out instead of freezing up like you do, or when they laugh, or when they make you laugh at something nobody has heard. But you've never said a word. Not even when you say or do something you've picked up from them and it makes Toriel's smile turn melancholic. You're sure that it would make her happier, or at least less sad, to know. You think she deserves to know, but you can't tell her.
Because Chara asked you not to.
They asked you not to and it's their secret. That means they call the shots.
Simple as that.
You know why they don't want her to know. You think you even understand - it's the same reason Asriel wouldn't let you bring him with you from the Underground, the same reason Alphys hid the amalgamates for so long, and the same reason you have never explained to anyone exactly what happened during your time in the Underground.
The same reason why you've never told anyone about the resets.
You wish you could reset right now. Load up an earlier SAVE, one where Chara is still with you and everything's alright, but that's not possible.
You haven't been able to save since you left the Underground. It's like all your SAVEs have just… disappeared.
There's still something, they say, but it's far, far away, and they refuse to touch it. Say it feels like it'd unravel everything you've done, tear the world out from under your feet, and for what? You're satisfied with the ending you got.
Neither of you are willing to risk losing it.
Chara thinks the reason you can't save anymore is something to do with the magic that was all over the Underground. Your bet is on the Barrier. Either way, it doesn't matter, it all amounts to the same thing; there's no earlier SAVE for you to reload. There's just you, and now, and the loneliness.
You anxiously rub your fingers over the seam in your jeans. You want Chara back. You would, you think, do anything to get Chara back. But isn't that selfish?
… if you bring everyone their happy ending again, it would be alright, wouldn't it? Chara would understand. You're sure, if the others knew, they would too. Right?
You tentatively reach out for the reset, not really trying to do it, exactly, just checking to see if you can get a grip on it without Chara to guide you, but… there's nothing there. Just like before you climbed Mt Ebott. You can't reset. Not at all.
Your eyes fill with tears but you blink them away. Crying doesn't help. This isn't the time. There's always a way, there's always a way to solve things. You didn't get through the Underground by giving up! You must, like you always have, stay determined.
Okay, you think. Okay. Chin up, Frisk. Stop moping.
There must be something you can do to fix this. Even when you have no idea what happened. Even when you're all alone-
-but you're not alone, are you? You have your friends, all of them. If you need help they'd be there for you, you know that, and even if they don't know Chara…
You vow to yourself that you'll try, you'll really try to keep their secret, but. Getting them back is more important. (You very determinedly do not think about what would happen if you were forced to tell Asgore and Toriel the truth only for it to end up being hopeless. That won't happen. It won't. )
You nod to yourself and straighten up, brushing yourself off as well as you can. It's… sort of cold. Nowhere near as cold as in Snowdin, of course, but. Possibly you should've brought a jacket. Anyways.
Everything will be okay. You just need to ask for help.
Your phone buzzes again and you wince. Maybe the first step ought to be letting Toriel know you're okay.
After that there's someone you need to talk to.