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16. Ginny Weasley
Rainbow:--
Definition: 1) A bow or arc of prismatic colours appearing in the heavens opposite the sun and caused by the refraction and reflection of the sun's rays and drops of rain. 2) An illusionary hope; 'Chasing Rainbows'.
Thesaurus: 1) Chimera, 2) Dream, 3) Fantasy, 4) Illusion, 5) King's Ransom, 6) Land of Milk and Honey; the Promised Land, 7) Motley, 8) Pie in the Sky, 9) Fantastical Wish.
Summary: After HBP, Ginny starts thinking. About everything – about You-Know-Who, about the prophecy, about… life with Harry after the war. Because we all need our dreams; because we all need to chase our rainbows.
Dear Diary,August 1997
Harry left today. He left to fight You-Know-Who, or Lord Voldemort as I'm meant to call him. Dumbledore, and, well, Sirius too, I suppose, used to say that fear of a name only serves to increase the fear of the thing itself, and that I should be brave enough to call him Lord Voldemort, his name. To me, it isn't a matter of bravery, so much as that's just who he is, who he's always been. I've grown up knowing him as "You-Know-Who" and not "Lord Voldemort", so my calling him that isn't a sign of cowardice, so much as what comes natural to me; just to point it out.
Merlin, I miss Dumbledore, and especially Sirius. I hadn't known him for long, but Harry's Godfather kind of grew on all of us.
Harry. What if he dies? What if he never comes back? Merlin, I hate him. I hate him for not letting me come; I hate him for making me worry; I hate how I could never feel like this for anyone but him. I hate how he made me love him, and then he left. He left , and he took Ron and Hermione… but he wouldn't take me. Sure, he had his little 'reasons', but since when have I cared about that? Since when could Ron and Hermione do things I can't? Well, maybe Hermione, but Ron? I'm just as good!
I wonder what Harry's doing right now; could he be sitting, thinking of me as I am of him? Or would he be fighting the Dark, all thoughts of me out his mind? Or worse; could he be with another girl, in her arms as we speak? What if he finds another witch while he's out there, experiencing the world? A girl better than me; prettier, smarter, older – one more worthy to fight by his side. I don't imagine it'd be pretty hard to find a girl that's prettier – with my painfully obvious flame-red hair, common brown eyes and freckly skin, I'm not drop-dead gorgeous; he's traveling all over the world to find the Horcruxes; there's plenty of 'fish in the sea', or so to speak, plenty of girls who'd die to date him.
Oh Merlin, I blew it, didn't I?
Or am I being too overly dramatic? Maybe, as I sit here in my white cotton pajama bottoms and black spaghetti strap top, thinking and worrying and panicking over him, he's sitting somewhere out there, thinking and worrying and panicking over me. And only me. Just the thought of it sends a flurry of warmth down to my toes! I only you could see me right now, diary, you'd see how wide my smile is.
Maybe when he comes back after the war, bruised but alive, he'll sweep me up into his arms and tell me he loves me, he loves me and he'll never leave me again. Then he'll hug me so hard, it'll hurt, but I won't mind because it'll bring me only closer to him.
Maybe one day we'll get married – it doesn't have to be anything fancy, simple works best for me (I'm a Weasley, aren't I?) as long as my family and friends are there, which, in itself, will make the ceremony a big one. Maybe one day we'll have kids; I imagine Harry'd want kids…
Maybe I'm getting a little carried away here.
It would not do to drive myself to obsession now, would it? Not when he's only just left, and his return, if all (how morbid!), would be so far away. He may not even want love, either, he may wish to be a recluse, hiding away from everyone, as it's only his right to. And who am I to challenge that? To challenge him?
As bad as that would be, it would also not do for me to get my hopes up. Just because Harry Potter returns and wants love, a family, doesn't mean he'll want me, choose me. And now we've returned to my doubt, that nagging little thing that destroys my dreams and crushes my fantasies. What if I'm not good enough for him after he defeats Lord Voldemort? I've always had this doubt – Little Ginny Weasley good for the Boy-Who-Lived? Never! – but now, at this point in time, that horrible little creature seems to have amplified, creating an overly-large feeling of self doubt in the back of my mind, magnifying itself times one thousand.
I can hear them all now, laughing at my expense, at my unworthiness. They're all saying, 'and what has she done to earn his love, his respect? What has she done to aid him in his time of need?' and all I'd have to say is that I'd admired him from afar for six years before ruining any chance I might have had then.
And then another voice will pop into my mind, saying I mightn't have lost my chance at all, that I must merely wait for his return.
But all this is repetition, isn't it? And repetition of the utmost bore, too. And there is no point in sitting here, dreaming of what may, or may not, come to pass, not when there's a war to fight. There is no use in chasing rainbows, an illusion, a fantasy, because like all dreams, I'll have to wake up sometime, won't I? And then I'll have to face the harsh truth o reality, and my illusion, my rainbow, will be crushed.
Rainbows are fickle things, aren't they? They enchant you with their pretty colours, making you believe in the pot of gold at it's end, fascinating you, you who has had to endure the rain to find the rainbow, and then… after awhile… they disappear, as though they never were, leaving you with a feeling of emptiness.
Maybe Harry does love me, or maybe he doesn't, but it's no use chasing my rainbow to find out. I'd better just wait 'till the rain's over and find the pot of gold myself.
Love,
Ginny.
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By CaramelBoost
Caramel: Ok, let's pretend Harry told Ginny about the Horcruxes, alright? It's not my best work but… it's better than nothing, and I selfishly couldn't bear to give up my hold on Ginny… ::ducks head in shame:: Review, please!